well, it happened.

my baby got sick.

i picked ara up from school... she was just as normal as ever, running around, laughing, happy, hugging her friends... on the drive home she was fussy, kinda weird but i just thought she was tired. her nap is usually right when she gets home from school.

we walked in, she went to hug seth, turned looked at me and threw up all over.

she threw up about 6 more times until she fell asleep about two hours later. poor hunny.

i was able to sit with her without one little bit of anxiety. i put towels under her while she laid down and i got a bowl for her to throw up in. nola was sleeping which was AMAZING. i dont know what i would have done with her all up in ara's grill while she was trying to throw up.

it was the saddest thing i've ever seen in my entire life. her tiny little body in so much pain and she was SO calm and collected about it. i was very proud of her.

this is a very big deal because i have wondered how i would handle this when it came, if i'd be able to do it and if i could if i would still be freaking out inside. no freaking.

i feel so thankful that i could be there for her and take care of her and make the whole sick situation be as comfortable, safe and peaceful as possible.

she's better now and in bed.

(in case you haven't read before and you're wondering why this is such a big deal.... i've been an emetophobic my entire life until recently)

anyone who is family...

just walk away from the computer RIGHT now.

i'm serious.

unless its those rouge fam members (you know who you are).

alright. here it is.

(and that's a cute one)

i know i just made your night.

bummer.

not cool

this

is


sick

"what is that?" you ask...
oh they're just multiple boxes of fruit snacks, with characters on them, right at a two year olds eye level.
no biggie.

so normally i dont go to the regular grocery store, unless i'm running in real fast to grab formula, ice, or alcohol, you know, the basics. anyway, we went full on shopping at Vons the other day because i didn't want to go to a thousand stores to get all the things i needed and out of all the regular stores Vons has the most easily accessible, fairly prices organic food while also carrying things like ice, alcohol and organic (and cheap) formula. so while i'm there i go into culture shock. i can't EVEN believe the food that is there for starters, secondly the way they market food towards children is DISGUSTING. there are characters on EVERYTHING. well everything that is bad for them anyway. no wonder we have obese children. i see so many parents out and about every day who obviously have no control over their children or who dont know how to say 'no'. combine that with the character covered junk food at the grocery store and i TOTALLY get it. its infuriating. using children to sell, and then selling them things that will harm their bodies. where have our morals and convictions gone? i mean, i'm not one to hold fast to tons of morals but come on... this is ridiculous. and if we are going to exploit our children by placing such things right at their level, why not fill those boxes with whole grains? why not put characters on veggie stands? why not encourage them to eat things that will help them grow and thrive????

i was very proud of arabella (who, by the way, walks on her own EVERY time we go to the store now) because with all that temptation, she was GREAT. all i had to say was "no hunny, put it back" and it was back on the shelf and we were picking out veggies and beans. she has never been under such rude temptation at trader joes. the craziest thing she walks by and has to refrain from grabbing there is fruit and vitamins. shame on disney. shame on nickelodean and shame on the food industry.

dead as a doornail

so i told you i was reading the sookie stackhouse novels about 2 weeks ago. everyone wanted to know if i liked them. i'm halfway through book five, in two weeks. so, yes. there's drama, murder, sex, fantasy..... things i didn't know i liked in books until i met twilight. they're definitely more dirty and scandalous than twilight... which is good and bad. i like scandalous and i like dirty, but not dirty south so much. they're a bit cheesy and its hard to come to terms with the southern aspect of it, especially the bad dressing, but when i get past that i really like them. they're very entertaining.

it was really funny because lately everytime seth comes home and i'm reading, when he walks in the door i jump... and he's been feeling like there's something wrong or somethings on my mind... we talked about it today and he realized that its all because i'm so into these intense books. i jump every time he walks in because there's pretty much someone being murdered on every page.. haha.

i've got 4 and a half books left and i want to finish them ASAP because i'd really like to be reading along with oprahs bookclub... and she's anouncing the new pick this friday.... so i'm gonna try and at least finish this book tonight. i hope!

the bitch is back

MTV Shows

and i can't fucking wait.

LOVE her.

paolo nutini

i dont know if i have made this apparent but i'm not really a fan of live music.
except for on very few random occasions.
like when i'm buzzed and so is everyone else in the room and its paolo nutini playing.
i used my powers of persuasion to get myself a wristband so i could get right up front.
of course this meant ditching everyone i came with, but there is a price to pay sometimes.
and then i was super butch in the last picture.

over the moon

so my grandmother told me last week that she'd help me with nola so i can go to school. i'll be paying her (because i HATE taking things for free. HATE.) but it will be less than a normal daycare or nanny because she wants to help me out! win win.

so i went to the community college here today and talked to them about what i needed to do to get started.

i'm beyond excited.

its perfect timing because i have enough time to start working and get used to that before i'm in school also, time to save up some money to use for daycare ahead of time and time to figure out what classes i want etc.

i can't really explain the feelings of freedom, excitement, and oppurtunity that i feel. its so incredible to feel like i am finally working towards something i want. something that has nothing to do with my husband or children. not that i dont like them, because i do very much, its just that life has revolved around them or been ruled by them for the past 4 years. we need balance.

i'm so excited to be my own person, have my own life that doesn't involve any of them and then be able to come home and appreciate them just that much more because of that freedom.

i could seriously jump up and down screaming i'm so excited... now i just have to hold onto that excitement for the next 4 months. i will.

look out night job... here i come.

dont mind the mess

or the saggy diaper.

or seth playing a midget guitar.

or that he's holding "baby tyler" under his arm.

just focus on the absurdity that is my adorable family.

back to school

last night was our first back to school night ever.

i'm surprised i wasn't just a melted puddle on the floor by the end because the cuteness was just a ridiculous amount of too much.

it was so cute to be in that room that she is so familiar with, a place she loves so much, that makes her so happy. to be with her teachers, who she ADORES. the whole time i was just trying to look at everything through her perspective.

looking at all the little lessons on the walls, down super low so those little miniature people could see them, was too much. she had made a paper person with yarn hair that was supposed to be her. she had blonde hair and purple pants and a purple shirt on. she was one of the only girls with pants on. haha.

her school is SO amazing, i'm so thankful for them. they love kids an amazing amount and they put EVERYTHING they have into teaching and caring for all the children. i love how clean and organized they are, how attentive, how sensitive to the kids, how mellow and peaceful, how creative, and how excited they are about teaching my baby. i know she started at the best possible place she could have. i feel like she's got a good advantage just because of the school she's in. it may just be preschool but its important, so much is being formed in them right now and i just love feeling completely secure with the people who are teaching her.

they're constantly telling me how great she does, how ahead of everything she is, how on top of the lessons she is, what a leader she is, and how she hasn't had one moment of "transition" as they call it... (which means a hard time, from being dropped off, or changing classes etc) she all around one hundred percent enjoys school.

its beyond words to hear about all their little friendships forming and how the girls LOVE each other and are all calling each other "best friends" every day. i'm so excited that she finally has a lot of friends surrounding her each day. ... and she has friends who like to hug and tackle her as well... which if you know ara is BIG for her. usually she's the one tackling with the other running away in fear. she gets a lot of mutual hugs and tackles at school! yay!

and not to get all mushy, but it kind of made me like kids in general for that hour that i was there sitting in that tiny, tiny, tiny chair. woa.

tyra

i just love when anyone makes fun of her.

uk knows what's up

for those of you that i have shared the two bedroom dream with....
AMEN.

and then on the other hand, the uk does NOT know whats up...

my friends can laugh at just how terrifying this would be for me.

*jenna leigh if you read this, i tried to email you back on that last one but your email didn't work anymore..

boo radley

last night on the drive home, while my family was asleep and i was singing along to cher, i started to think about what the hell my deal is.

i have been SUPER reclusive. like i stay home almost all day every day and dont go out at night. but lately when i go to san luis i hang out with people i never really hung out with before (all the while thinking, "where the hell were these normals when i lived here!?!??!") and i love it. i feel like i could find people like this and i already have a couple, down here but i have no desire to try and barely have the motivation to get out to hang out with the two friends i do have here.... which is just very not me, or so i thought.

all this time i've been thinking something must be terribly wrong with me, why am i being reclusive? why dont i want to make a bunch of random friends? why dont i want to get out of the house all the time?

last night i finally realized having people who are close to me, but live far away is like my ultimate utopea. living in a place where i can go anywhere and be sure i'm not going to run into anyone i know and no ones going to randomly know who i am when i buy coffee because they know seth's music or read my blog is AMAZING. i love having that part to my life, which comes into play when we visit san luis and that's about the amount i have the tolerence for. its great to go up north and be known and feel all special slash creeped out. its nice to see good friends and spend time with them. its nice to go out and stay out til 2am. its nice to have lunch with friends or spend time out downtown running into everyone. but its nice for about a weekend. then its nice to come home and enjoy complete anonymity.


point?

i heart being alone.... during the week.

on top of all this i live around NO people who think they have some sort of stake in my life and that is BEYOND wonderful. i like being a grown up with a husband and kids in a town where everyone hasn't know us since we were little. i like being where no one expects anything from us. i like being in a place where people see seth and i equally when they meet us.

our situation is ideal to me at this moment.

who would have thought i could boo radley it? definitely not me.

sexy

we woke up yesterday like any other day, not well rested with children jumping on us.

i was pretty pissed about how many times arabella had woken up and i had a head ache so in those first few minutes i forgot that it was our anniversary. seth reminded me with a kiss and a "happy anniversary, i love you." we got up and ready and seth left for work.

2 minutes later he walked back in. he came over to me and said "i need to tell you something."

ok. i thought, he kissed someone... that's ok i mean i kind of deserve it... i hope he didn't sleep with someone, he wouldn't do that, but if he did its ok, we'll figure it out. whatever it is must be huge because i haven't seen him be so frightened or serious, and its our anniversary... anything bad worth telling me on our anniversary must be terrible.

we went in our room and he stalled a bit. my heart was beating really fast and i just said "please just spit it out! the suspense is killing me!!"

"my friend convinced me to go to a stip club last night, i only stayed for a few minutes." he said

OH MY GOD. the first thing i said was "oh my god seth! dont scare me like that!!!! i thought you did something really bad! i dont care!"

it was pretty hilarious. it was pretty precious. if you know seth i'm sure you could only imagine him in a strip club and how awkward that idea is. his friends thinking was that seth is 26 and has never seen the inside of a strip club, he should at some point... and i agree. seth felt super bad. this will be one of my favorite stories of ours forever.

on our date we were talking about his strip experience and how gorgeous (not haggard at all) the girls were and how it was just super fun (not awkward, sad or thought provoking) hahah... aw. then i remembered a lovely little tidbit from my past....

when i was 16 or 17. i think i was 16 and i lied and said i was 17, either way under age, i went to the relm to get a job. now a lot of you may not know what the relm was. it was san luis obispo's downtown topless bar. nothing too crazy, just pole dancers who couldn't take their chones off. its INSANE to imagine that there was a bar like this in san luis obispo, its even more insane to think i was going to get a job there and its even more insane to think they were GOING TO HIRE ME when i was 16, 17 to their knowledge.

the funniest part? this was RIGHT before i dated luke the second time and on the outside this is when everyone saw me as super christian. i hope this helps those that still think my chrisianity was real realize that alas.... it was not.

oh the good good old days.

how gross.

crazy

how kate beckinsale can look like a mother who's let herself go and has a horrible haircut.
and then super hot with hair to die for.

friends is a weird word

friends have their seasons. unless they are lifetime friends. and then i suppose there are seasons also, but they are around for each one.

i'm learning more and more about letting people go, and i'm realizing that every time i have to let someone go another good one comes. i suppose that's how life is supposed to be. i dont know because to me it was new friends every year, or every half year when we moved.... its been just the past 8 years that i've kept a significant amount of friends. beyond that i think i only have two friends i've known for 10 years or more. now just one. anyway... i have come to see that it is seasonal in seths life as well to have friendships grow and then fade. its not bad... its just life. you move, you change, your time is just up, or sometimes its painful... but in the end its ok because its the way its meant to be.

and thats when someone else walks in your door, just in time. right when you need it. a breath of fresh air. it happens every time. literally. maybe they'll be around for a short time, maybe forever, either way it will be good because they're there for a reason.

i'm glad the sad part is over for now. and maybe in the future it will never have to be as sad because i'll have learned that sometimes its good to move on.

its like they want you to raise your own kids

as most of you know, i do not want to be a stay at home mom.

i have been for the past 3 years because there was no way for me to do anything other than stay home with my little darlings. i am glad that i had that time with arabella and for the time i've had with nola as a baby, but i'm just beyond ready. i can't handle this anymore.

i've been aching to go to school. aching. since one of my friends started to do an online program, i've had it in my head. lately its gone to my heart. i dont know what exactly i'd want to go to school for. i know the things i'm interested in and can kind of see how they come together but really believe that school would help me grow and bring my plans into focus.

i'm really not into doing online school, this would be my last resort, because i NEED to be somewhere separate from my house and i need to have hands on learning, lectures, other people. plus i want to be a part of the world again, i want my own life where i talk to people. people who aren't 3.

if theres anything i regret (which trust me, there is... A LOT) i regret not finishing high school. did you know i didn't finish high school? i feel like its written on my forehead. at the same time i do realize i'm about a billion times more intelligent than a lot of people who do finish high school. i'm just frustrated that i didn't give myself the tools i needed... for life. i'm frustrated that good old mother didn't either. she raised me thinking school didn't matter and i was smart but couldn't really get good grades and didn't really need to. that's all fine and dandy if you never want to do anything with your life, or if you happen to be the exception (like my husband) who somehow does anyway.

the truth is i am smart, could have gotten really good grades, could have done really really well. if someone would have maybe taught me to do that, instead of teaching me NOT to. point is, now i really really want to. i want to get my GED, i want to go to a community college and i want to do something with my life, for myself.

so i've been trying to figure out daycare and seriously, its absolutely ridiculous. if anyone out there knows about things i dont, let me in on it, cause i'm stumped.

i'm pretty sure EVERY person i know who has young kids and has a job or goes to school either has parents who watch them or is single and qualifies for daycare that i dont because of income. (not that i'm complaining about our income...)

then if there is a daycare at a school nola doesn't fit the profile because she's too young. 2 and toilet trained. 2 years and 9 months. ugh.

right now my next move is a job at night. this will only equal out paying for nola to have daycare and daycare and preschool together will still be an expense, not something covered by my extra income... but i think its worth it. its hard because neither seth nor i want to have more time apart... as of right now we've got a couple hours every night where he works but is at least home and then by 930 i'm walking to our room asking if he's coming too. so on one hand more time not with each other will be hard, but at the same time probably wont seem all that different, since we never really hang out now.

i want to do this while i'm still young. while i still am the age where its normal to be in college. itll be weird enough if i'm in college when my sister is (if she goes) but at least (no offense) i wont be 30 and in college... which i guess could still be college age for some people.... but usually they can at least say "i'm 30, i'm in college, but i have been for like a billion years." i dont want to be all "i'm 30, i'm in college, i've been here for a year.... i took a couple years off right out of high school, which i didn't graduate from."

anyway, i want to do it while i'm still young, and while i'm eager to learn.

if i can find a night job this might all get real intense, real soon.

tyra is going weave free

and thank god.

because her weavestyles are usually the most obnoxious thing i've seen on anyone's head.

she always gives me a new idiotic reason to go back to watching her horrible show.

thanks tyra can't wait to be annoyed by you sept 8th!