this weekend.

we went and got our tree. in case you're wondering.. its a blue spruce. that's why its blue.



seth cut it down... then picked it up.




and carried it.... through the tree field....



and to our car


here's ara at home with the tree and her crazy princess towel that has a blinking light on it... haha thanks aunt laura.... i never thought i'd love stuff like that, but when ara LOVES it.... i can't even help it.




then we went to target to get arabella stuff for her birthday and christmas... it was so insane. we wanted to get her two toys, one for her birthday one for christmas and then get her clothes. it was so hard to figure out what we wanted to get her cause we didn't want to get little things she would play with for like one day. in the end we found the PERFECT things... i'll post them when she gets them. i'm so excited. anyway while there we found the following toys and we thought wow what a good way to tell your kids....

aim high.



and this which i loved for obvious reasons


cause really, lets be honest, is it ever too early to start them on hamburger helper and fries?



and as the last hurrah of the weekend i decided to sleep talk/walk last night. maybe it was cause my two too strong gin drinks had put me into such deep sleep... hmmm

anyway seth says he gave me nola cause she needed to eat and i proceeded to feed her...

the remote control.

and then when he tried to bring it to my attention i evidently argued with him as to why it was perfectly normal to be feeding her the remote and that i was NOT crazy... as i explained we had put 'pieces of milk in it earlier' (in my dream i was giving her her bottle and i was telling him i had just put the milk in it earlier) i woke up in the middle of this and started laughing and seth laughed too, then as they say usually happens with sleep walkers if you wake them, i got really mad and annoyed at seth for laughing at me and blamed it on him. i was still half asleep as i tried to further explain that it wasn't my fault because i was just 'their' son.. (i know here i was saying i was susan and mikes son) and that i was stuck in the show (desperate housewives) and seth was supposed to come get me out cause it was the end and he didn't. i was so mad at him. ... and at the end of all of it i said 'that was my dream' and went back to sleep. seth said he stayed up and kept on eye on me for a while cause he didn't know what else i might try to 'feed' nola.

he says he wont ever get the picture out his head. me giving her the remote her with her eyes wide open and confused just trying to nurse the corner of the remote.

frustrating.

is so beyond my max i can't even explain it. i know another blog about how two kids is crazy, but it really really is. its crazy cause when it comes to like going grocery shopping or getting stuff done, i feel like i've got it down... but when it comes to having any sort of patience, or being happy with doing the same things all day every day and having two people who need me NONstop, i feel like i'm spinning out of control. i'm starting to get that depressed feeling that turns physical, its not just my mind anymore, its starting to envelope my heart and make my chest ache. i haven't felt this kind of depression for so long... its the kind that makes you just want to get under the covers and never come out, cry all day long, run away, live in the dark.. that probably sounds weird but maybe people who have been depressed would understand. since i can't do those things i just start to go into my mind and be distant, i feel like its the only way i'm ok. i dont want it to be like this, it was like this for 3 years of my life before and i really really missed out. i dont want to miss out on this time of my life. i feel bad for seth because i'm CONSTANTLY snapping at him and just look sad, and when i'm not snapping at him, i'm not really talking much cause i just dont feel like i have the energy. life's just starting to feel like too much and i'm starting to feel alone. at least at this point in my life i can recognize that this is beginning and hopefully find a way to catch it now and not get worse. is this what postpartum depression is like? or is this just separate? i can't wait till we can move, i know that a fresh start will definitely help my sanity... that was something that was always such a part of my life, moving every year... a couple times a year... when i got to that new place i just felt refreshed and free. i start to feel suffocated when i'm in the same place for a long time and i've been here WAY too long. i've wanted to leave for over 3 years... finally. we'll go.

sometimes i feel silly that i feel any kind of depression thinking about what other people's lives are like, but i understand that this isn't something i can just change, its not just a feeling... something outside of me has to change this. i dont want to get to the point where i have to take medication, i'm sure this is something i will deal with now and again my whole life since i have a long line of people on anti depressants in my family along with suicides and manic depression... scary. i will be different, i wont let it get that bad, i've promised myself that.. but just feeling this way at all is so horrible.


this probably all doesn't even make sense i've just been thinking then writing kind of figuring out whats going on while i write...

i know my life is amazing and i know tons of people look at my life and just dream of having a life like mine and a lot of people even tell me that... its not about my life really depression is weird, anyone can get depressed if they have it in them deep inside, it doesn't matter how good/bad life really is... anything can trigger it if its there. anyway sorry to bum you all out.

smiles.

she starting smiling in response to us around thanksgiving, i just didn't believe it cause it seemed so soon, but i know its real cause for this photo sesh i was able to make her smile for a bunch of pictures. she's turning into a real baby :)



holding her 'real high' she also likes to do rock a bye baby when holding her like this.

seth showed me...

this today.

i dont believe in the bible necessarily, i dont really know what it means to believe in the bible, because i dont understand all that it says, not even close. i dont believe in living your life according to a book... but i know a lot of people do, a lot of people i'm really close to do, so understand i'm not saying thats bad i just have to say that this isnt me defining what i'm living by or saying the bible says a certain thing in a way to justify what i believe. i choose what i believe not based on the bible and i'm not saying i think this is truly what the bible says, but it makes a whole lot more sense to me than anything i've heard on this subject and i think its interesting. i certainly think if you are going to live your life according to what a book says, you should understand that other people can be living their life according to that same book and be living almost opposite of you... and both could be right, both could be wrong.... i'm saying this because i dont want a bunch of comments of people acting like they know the end all of what the bible 'really says' because its lost on me. if you tell me that you somehow know that what you believe the bible says is the absolute right interpretation, or that its not an interpretation, i wont believe it, cause i dont believe anyone has the right doctrine or has the bible figured out... and i do believe EVERY person who reads the bible is interpreting it, because there is no way to comprehend what you are reading, unless your minds interprets it. you can't be objective.

all of this was inspired by this.

i thought it was hilarious.

is it time for gin yet?

oh no? ok....


seriously if the people who are always trying to talk me into having more kids when i tell them i'm done knew what an incredibly small amount of patience i had they would certainly regret their 'encouragement'.


before i did something that would get cps called on me today i decided to leave the house and spend money i shouldn't have on thai food.... but i didnt end up lashing out irrationally at my daughter so, mission accomplished.


i honestly just cant be a stay at home mom. i'm counting down the days til i can spend part of my time out of the home. i love being a mom, but some women are made to be stay at home moms and some are not, i definitely am not. i never thought i would be this way... i always thought i would LOVE staying home, but i really really dont. i enjoy arabella soooo much and its not like this is because my patience is worn (although that helps remind me) but i have this longing in my heart to have a place i can go and put my hands to work on something that has nothing to do with my family, its all mine. where i can interact with people all day long and use my mind to figure things out. i love waking up in the morning with somewhere to go, something to do... i love waking up and needing to take a shower and get dressed because you have a place to go... it doesn't feel great to not even need to get dressed or take a shower... pretty much everyday... cause there's nowhere to go. i dont think it will just be easy to work and take care of my kids... but in a way i know it will be, because if i'm getting what i need and can feel more sane because of it, then life in general will go smoother. plus the house wont be messy while i'm gone... cause they wont be there either! haha.. anyway... i'm just trying to think about all this and look forward to what i want, but at the same time try not to get depressed about being in all the time.... because its really not the worst thing in the world to have to be with your kids all day ;)


but like anything, if there's something in your heart you long for, its hard to ignore it. i know soon i will be able to have time of my own and work of my own and my life back, at least partially... so i will wait.

how did i get so smart?

this morning ara ran up to my computer and pushed tons of buttons really hard. after that i went to type and some of my buttons were messed up and typing the wrong thing. i got rull stressed out. i tried restarting my computer a couple times and was starting to think about calling sony or whoever about my warranty when i realized... hmmm the u is a 4. the p is a *.... and all the buttons that are messed up are on the right side of the keyboard....

numlock.

anyway this blog was going to be about what's been going on lately.

we've been busy.

it all started when noah was born (nov 8th)... then our crazy family holiday season started we had seth's brother's bday (nov 17th), thanksgiving (nov 27th), seth's bday (dec 1st) and now we're heading onto ara's birthday on the 17th and a week later christmas is here.

i do feel like i'm doing pretty good at the whole two kids thing... going to the grocery store isn't even a big deal, except for when i get home and have to bring everything up the stairs by myself, which has ALWAYS been annoying. on the 1st i went to the bank and had to get all our bills situated and stuff so it took a long time, nola was having those audible baby explosions the ENTIRE time... so when we got outside i put ara in her seat and took nola out of the ergo to see that there was baby crap on my shirt, my sweater, her clothes and her blanket. i had two wipes left... i had an hour before ara's nap, forgot an extra pair of clothes for nola and needed to go to trader joes and target. somehow i got all the poo off with those two wipes. found something to wrap nola in to get her home, went home, changed my clothes, put her in clothes (all in a very calm manner) and went on my way! that was the same day that somehow i was also able to take a shower for the first time while i had them BOTH here by myself. that being said, i am starting to feel a little depressed again, just about having to be home all the time. i get so jealous of seth sometimes when he gets to leave and just go work, in peace. i know i'm not the kind of person who was made to be a stay at home mom and not do anything else.... i can't wait until nola is old enough that i can somehow get out there and get a job. i need it.

seth and i got to go on a date for his birthday, which was really fun, except nola didn't like being watched very much, so we had dinner and had to skip the movie to go get her. then we had a 'family birthday' for seth at his parents house last night, arabella stole the show, she was hilarious last night and super cute, seth got some harmonica's and arabella was just playing one and dancing around the living room. .... anyway for his family birthday i made this cake that his family always makes for birthdays, it was his great grandmothers recipe and this was my first time making it for him because he usually asks for mudpie. so yea its a cocoa angel food cake. and i feel like there's always been all this talk about how its crazy to make and i had just built it up in my head and was worried about it turning out, blah blah blah.... in the end, it was super easy and turned out great! which i'm super exited about because its soooooo stinkin good its something i will make for our friends birthdays too when we have them for dinner, or maybe even just for a saturday. haha...

on that note, ara has been helping me in the kitchen lately, she helped me with the cake. using the mixer, putting ingredients in. she's been cooking the eggs with me every morning.... and it just blows me away because she'll look up at me when we're cooking with this look on her face like the best thing in the entire world is happening in our kitchen right at that moment... and it is. this especially means a lot to me because its just another dream of mine that comes from changing my past into a wonderful future. my mother never really cooked or baked much. she taught me to make an apple pie, but that's the only thing i knew how to bake and i didn't know how to cook until after i got married. i've always thought about how if i had daughters one day i wanted to give them those things, that knowledge and i just wanted to share in that experience with them. i want to prepare them to be self sufficient and also to be amazing wives and mothers who love to make delicious things for their families.... and now i get to do that. i absolutely love it. and just to see that sweet little face looking back at me filled with more joy than i've ever seen in her eyes... that look is all i could ask for in life.

here are some pictures from the month....

ara in glasses, some from the zoo (from benji's birthday), some from seth's birthday.
(dont mind my double chin)

gag me with...

my own fingers....


so arabella has been gagging herself for maybe a couple weeks... just every once in a while. gag. then on thanksgiving she made herself puke. i hate that she does this and it makes me feel so sad inside. i've looked it up and a lot a lot of toddlers do it, as a way to get attention. so i guess this is her way of reacting to nola coming. when i freaked out and got really worried she did it more, but since i've started to just be nonchalant about it and just say 'oh dont do that hunny, it'll hurt you' she stops. i hope this stops for real soon. poor muffin. i hate that there isn't enough of me to go around. ....

kind of on the same note, i forgot to write on here that like a month maybe even two months ago... ara threw up for the first time. and i didn't have a nervous breakdown and leave her to clean it up herself like i've always feared. haha, i must really be a mom now... i didn't even feel shaky inside. i just cleaned it up, hugged her and accidentally even let her kiss me on the lips. sick. it was really cute cause she was just dancing in the mirror in one of her dresses holding it out to the sides and then she just projectile vomited onto the mirror... looked at me, looked down and just looked shocked! i asked if she felt sick or ok and she said ok... she was normal the rest of the day... but it was really funny how sudden and crazy it was, and that it was just on the mirror. hahhaha oh poopie.