boo radley

last night on the drive home, while my family was asleep and i was singing along to cher, i started to think about what the hell my deal is.

i have been SUPER reclusive. like i stay home almost all day every day and dont go out at night. but lately when i go to san luis i hang out with people i never really hung out with before (all the while thinking, "where the hell were these normals when i lived here!?!??!") and i love it. i feel like i could find people like this and i already have a couple, down here but i have no desire to try and barely have the motivation to get out to hang out with the two friends i do have here.... which is just very not me, or so i thought.

all this time i've been thinking something must be terribly wrong with me, why am i being reclusive? why dont i want to make a bunch of random friends? why dont i want to get out of the house all the time?

last night i finally realized having people who are close to me, but live far away is like my ultimate utopea. living in a place where i can go anywhere and be sure i'm not going to run into anyone i know and no ones going to randomly know who i am when i buy coffee because they know seth's music or read my blog is AMAZING. i love having that part to my life, which comes into play when we visit san luis and that's about the amount i have the tolerence for. its great to go up north and be known and feel all special slash creeped out. its nice to see good friends and spend time with them. its nice to go out and stay out til 2am. its nice to have lunch with friends or spend time out downtown running into everyone. but its nice for about a weekend. then its nice to come home and enjoy complete anonymity.


point?

i heart being alone.... during the week.

on top of all this i live around NO people who think they have some sort of stake in my life and that is BEYOND wonderful. i like being a grown up with a husband and kids in a town where everyone hasn't know us since we were little. i like being where no one expects anything from us. i like being in a place where people see seth and i equally when they meet us.

our situation is ideal to me at this moment.

who would have thought i could boo radley it? definitely not me.

friends is a weird word

friends have their seasons. unless they are lifetime friends. and then i suppose there are seasons also, but they are around for each one.

i'm learning more and more about letting people go, and i'm realizing that every time i have to let someone go another good one comes. i suppose that's how life is supposed to be. i dont know because to me it was new friends every year, or every half year when we moved.... its been just the past 8 years that i've kept a significant amount of friends. beyond that i think i only have two friends i've known for 10 years or more. now just one. anyway... i have come to see that it is seasonal in seths life as well to have friendships grow and then fade. its not bad... its just life. you move, you change, your time is just up, or sometimes its painful... but in the end its ok because its the way its meant to be.

and thats when someone else walks in your door, just in time. right when you need it. a breath of fresh air. it happens every time. literally. maybe they'll be around for a short time, maybe forever, either way it will be good because they're there for a reason.

i'm glad the sad part is over for now. and maybe in the future it will never have to be as sad because i'll have learned that sometimes its good to move on.

a new outlook

its all over.

all the bad things are done.

the stuff i mentioned that i had been going through the past couple weeks, the stuff that was making want to stay in my bed all day, its all over. i'm so much better. i feel back to myself and so thankful its all over. im sure its annoying that i can't explain, but i just wanted all of you to know that i'm ok, i'm completely better and i dont want to stay under the covers.

life has been so crazy the past 7 months, i mean beyond crazy, and its finally all ending. i feel like everything has been worked through in a sense and the work we have to do from here on out is very do-able and not overwhelming. i'm so thankful to be out of the baby stage with nola because i know that made EVERYTHING crazy.

it might be hard for moms who love being moms to understand, or moms who haven't had post partum depression, but seriously having ppd made me a different person. getting pregnant when you DONT want to at all and when you feel so comepletely not ready is beyond intense, especially when you have a one year old you JUST stopped nursing. for me nursing arabella was crazy, my hormones made me so different and i just wanted to be myself again and right when i got to that point i felt like it was ripped away again by being pregnant with nola. so from the point where i found out i was pregnant with her, i think is when everything slowly started going downhill. i'm so so so thankful for nola and since i know her i can't not love her.... i'm very glad i have her. but that was just my limit and i really was pushed by life over my edge. really over.

i feel like this last event was the very bottom of that deep deep valley that i was pushed into and i've come out. i can feel myself climbing and the incline is mild and steady.

i'm really excited for the new way i feel that seth and i are making our life together. for the time we've been together we've always just 'let things work out'... got married fast and thought 'well it'll just work out'... we had kids fast and young and thought it would 'just work out'... we were making the decisions but acting like we weren't. we were chosing how our lives would look but maybe not the best way we could have and thinking more along the lines of it working out than thinking about how we could make it the best possible... how we could make it really truly what we wanted and how we wanted. i dont like how people put their lives in the hands of someone else (or so to speak because truly its still in your hands). when we do that its like we're making huge decisions, hoping it will work out and blaming the outcome on someone or something else. i'm so excited that we have started to make decisions for our life because we KNOW what we want, we know what we want for ourselves, our children and our future and we will act accordingly. no more letting things happen and hoping they 'work out' no more making foolish decisions or hasty decisions and talking about how even though its maybe not the best it will be ok. sure its ok, its all turned out ok... but there has been A LOT of work and A LOT of heartache that could have been avoided with a little wisdom and responsibility. anyway all this is just to say that i'm super excited about the new outlook i feel like we both have on this life we are creating together. i'm excited because it feels like we are on the same page and it feels like there is hope. it feels good to truly know that we can create the life we want, we dont have to just take life as it comes... we are the ones making it... we are the ones defining it.

burrow

i am undoubtedly going through the hardest thing i have ever gone through in my life to date, i never could have imagined that this would be so incredibly hard and heartbreaking and painful. i feel so tired. so, so tired. i'm thankful that seth and i are as close as we are and i am so thankful to have him to lean on when i am weak beyond words. these days i have to fight everyday to pull the covers off, put my feet on the floor and stand up. i can't explain what i'm going through, i can't let anyone in on this one because as part of my growing up i have realized there is a time that my life needs its space, needs its privacy. but i feel i have to express the pain i'm in or its going to overcome me. my heart feelings have translated into physical pain, the tiredness of my emotions have made me tired in my everday life. i ache all over, my eyes feel exhausted, my bones feel tense. there's no 'being strong' through this one. this is the one where i have to just release myself, feel the pain, feel the brokenness, feel the frustration at myself and let it work its way through somehow.

i have never felt life be so completely overwhelming before. i have reached my capacity and i'm hanging by a thread willing myself not to fall. i know i will get through this, i will manage, i will be ok. that's what i do. but this place is heartache, heartache like i've never experienced. foreign. that's it, its so foreign. i feel pain but pain like nothing i've felt and i dont understand how to cope. its hard to cope when i dont recognize the intruder, and its hard to find a way when all my mechanisms have been put to shame. i'm so thankful for my darling girls. for their sweet smiles and amazing hearts, they are the reason i get out of bed everyday, they are the reason i grow at all, they are the reason i love. they are keeping me alive. when you're a mother its very hard to find the balance in letting whats going on in life have its place and keeping those things from touching your children in any sort of hurtful way. i strive to always, in spite of anything i may ever go through or feel, make this home a home for my babies and surround them with all i have to give.

i wish i was so small, a small small animal that could dig itself a burrow and crawl deep inside, curl up and sleep. sleep, sleep, sleep.

money really can buy you anything.

i heard this on npr this morning and i thought it was interesting. i'm not one of those people who thinks money is the root of all evil. i love money, and i think you have to love money and treat it with respect in order to have a good relationship with it. if you think of money as something that will bring you down, it will. if you think of money as just a necessity, that's what it will be. money is to us what we make it. so to me, i really enjoy that money relieves pain and brings a sense of strength. as with anything dont let this make you think that i support obession with money, everything in balance and moderation.

Study: Your Brain Thinks Money Is A Drug

by David Kestenbaum

If you've ever thought of money as a drug, you may be more right than you know. New research shows that counting money — just handling the bills — can make things less painful.

"It is surprising," says Kathleen Vohs, a professor of marketing at the University of Minnesota's Carlson School of Management who participated in the research. "It still surprises me."

The experiments were conducted by a colleague of Vohs' in China. Students came into the lab and were told they would be participating in a test of finger dexterity. One group was given a pile of Chinese currency to count. Another group was given blank pieces of paper to count.

Then, some of the students were asked to put their fingers in bowls of water heated to 122 degrees Fahrenheit and rate how uncomfortable it felt.

"The subjects who had earlier been counting money and had their hands in the painfully hot water reported that the water didn't feel so hot to them, compared to people who had counted slips of paper," Vohs says.

How hot is 122 degrees Fahrenheit? Not hot enough to do lasting damage, but hotter than the Consumer Product Safety Commission recommends setting your home water heater. I heated some water in the microwave and used a thermometer to make sure I'd hit the mark — I can testify that 122 degrees is uncomfortable. "Like a hot hot tub?" Vohs asked during our interview. Yes. "Good, OK," she said, then confessed, "Boy, you know I never did that."

Money As A Substitute For Love

The experiment and related ones are described in a research paper titled The Symbolic Power of Money, published in the journal Psychological Science. Combined with earlier work, it maps out a curious connection. As far as your brain's concerned, money can act as a substitute for social acceptance, reducing social discomfort and, by extension, physical discomfort and even pain.

Researcher Xinyue Zhou, of the department of psychology at Sun Yat-Sen University in China, puts it in very human terms. "We think money works as a substitute for another pain buffer — love."

Past research has shown that a social relationship can make things hurt less. "If you dip your hand in hot water, if someone is standing there beside you, then you feel less pain," Zhou says. "That was a classic experiment."

Money as a substitute for social acceptance and love? Zhou laughs and admits that it's kind of sad. "All substitutes are sad."

Vohs found the results of the money-handling experiment especially surprising because the effects last so long. Sometimes a full 10 minutes had elapsed between the time students handled the money and the instant they put their fingers in the water.

The researchers had them fill out surveys as they waited. The responses offered some clues as to what was going on in the brain. The students were asked a litany of questions: Did they feel happier after counting the money, or sadder? What stood out, Vohs says, was a feeling of strength. "When subjects had been reminded of money, 10 minutes later they said inexplicably they just felt stronger," Vohs says.

The Power Of 'Priming'

The experiment could prove groundbreaking. "It's a substantial finding," says Nicholas Epley, a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago's Booth School of Business. The research "has the potential to be something of a discovery, which we don't always have all that often in psychology."

Epley says the long-lasting connection between being reminded of money and feeling less pain appears to be an elaborate example of something psychologists call priming, in which thinking about one thing can subconsciously trigger a related response.

Epley cites another experiment where subjects were primed to think about old people. "It turns out that if you make people think about old people, lo and behold, they walk more slowly!"

Economists have studied money for ages — how prices, for instance, can efficiently direct the flow of resources. But meanwhile, in our brains, money has become a curious force, in this case behaving a bit like aspirin.

tested

i have been on this journey of finding what i believe, who i believe god is, what i believe life is and what it is meant for, for the past 4 years and just in the last year i have finally come to some foundations for myself. i will never say again that what i believe to be truth IS the absolute and i will never say its for everyone, but aside from doing that i can still have core beliefs that i hold for myself. i have gotten to the place where i have defined what those things are in my life and said out loud that i believe them and choose them as something i want to implement in my life. up until now i have not had them tested, by life. i have not had anything stare me in the face and say "do you believe this enough to act on it? do you really stand by what you have said you believe about who god is?", until now. i have some things starring me in the face, testing me, questioning all that i've built up in my foundation, asking me to stand by what i've chosen, and you know what? i do. i stand by what i have finally found to be true about god, to be true about life. its hard to be tested, its hard to have to live core beliefs out in a big way but at the same time its good for me to be able to really see myself hold to something i find to be true. its been a long time.

i know i will always grow, and always move forward, with that comes change. change will come in my life again, in my religious views, in my beliefs about life, but i believe i have found very important foundations for all the rest to build upon. however hard it was to go through these past four years and however hard it is to go through my present i'm thankful for all of it. i'm thankful that all of it has brought me peace with god, peace with life, peace with death and mostly peace with myself.

straight trippin

ok, this is going to be a lot of awkward pictures of myself, taken by myself and a few of other people i love....


getting my first taste of freedom as i leave my driveway... i'm seriously the biggest dork.


this is just when jesus came back on my way through santa barbara.


when i got into san luis on thursday night i went to a friends show at downtown brew. flo, deborah, elissa, and her friend came with me. there was MUCH hardcore dancing... (not by us)... although we loved it.



how sweaty and dirty do i already look at this point!? ahaha

friday morning i went to erin's baby shower, it was GORGEOUS. i dont think flo and i combined could have made it as beautiful as the lovely ladies who put it on for our sweet friend.





friday night i went to dinner at windows on the water to see my cute little sister work as a mini chef! my aunt laura took me out and got me good wine and delicious food. perfect.





saturday i went downtown, tried to write, and started reading The reader instead. then i went to thai food for lunch all by myself!



after lunch i went to the beach.



this ones borderline awkward but its here nonetheless. dont worry, i know i look SUPER skin here, but i was laying down and also i've gained like 30 pounds since i came home. seriously.




sunday i went to mercy for just worship because i had missed it last week. no pictures but you get the idea. it was fun, that's for sure. after worship flo and i went to the park, then i had lunch with my midwife, i LOVE her. she's moving to texas :( crazy. after lunch i went to a movie with my sister, The Ugly Truth... and i just need to say that katherine heigl's make up in that movie was so horrific i barely knew what the movie was even about. it was so distractingly ugly. then to the biermanns for a bbq and to watch The Reader since i had just read it (all this talking about reading The Reader is making me uncomfortable... silly).

monday i pinned down the elusive yankee for sandwiches and beer at gus's deli. soo delish its ridic. then i was back at the beach! it was crazy to just lay around at the beach for hours with no one to chase. i can't believe some people just get to do that whenever they want.....

this is the point where i was totally beyond make up and showers.



monday night we had a lady's bachelorette finale watching night and it was great, even though my heart broke just a little bit when she denied reid :(

tuesday morning i went to coffee with carissas mom, it was so nice. i missed meeting little anika jane because her ETA was bumped to 1030, i'm still so sad about it.. but i had to be back at lunchtime for my sweeties.

after coffee i left in a rush for home. this trip was amazing and something i needed really really bad, but it was even more amazing to see those three smiling faces when i walked in the door. i missed them to pieces!

one long blonde

today is the first time i've flat ironed my hair since mothers day.

i dont usually do it because i dont really like my hair straight. anyway, i did it and was like 'daaaang, my hair is LONG... and BLONDE'... ara walked in and said 'woa, i like your hair like that.' then she left for about 10 minutes... then she came back with diaper cream covering her entire face and hands. oh ara.

so here it is..... (i know, i kind of look like a creep in the first one, but that's only because i am).


also, i'm going to post what few pictures i have from my trip this weekend, but right now i gotta go to target, and trader joes, and lassens. ....

randy

“I like your tattoo.”

I looked up from my book to see a frizzy gray haired man in front of me. He wore a tan corduroy blazer with pockets so full they looked as though they might rip at the seams. His jeans were dark and too short for his legs. His shoes were black canvas with soles made of cloth. The glasses on his face had faded red frames and their lenses were so thick they made his eyes seem to bulge out of their sockets. In his right hand he carried a white paper bag that was torn on one corner.

“Two on my sides, roses.” I answered not knowing where this might go.

He sat on my left and set down his bag. I looked inside it and put the contents into my memory. 'Folded old comic sections from newspapers, The New Yorker, piece after piece of paper with scribbled writings on them, and a blue paper cup with coffee stains inside. I want to read what he’s been writing.’ I thought. He pulled out a scrap of paper about 3 inches by 2 inches and started to draw. We sat in silence and I watched his shaking hand scribble in fury as I tried to make out what the ink was leaving behind.

When he was finished he handed me the paper and on it was a poorly drawn sketch of Hot Stuff from Harvey comics and above the drawing he had written “little hot stuff copyright Harvey prod.”, in all caps.

He pointed his finger to nothing in particular but just up in the air in order to add conviction. His hand was almost an inch away from my face and I could smell the nicotine on his fingers as he spoke.

“This is a bad drawing but there was a little devil in diapers in the old Harvey comics, you know along with betty and all the other characters? That’s him.”

He raised his left hand and pointed to his left armpit with his other hand.

“If I ever got a tattoo I knew that is what I would get, right here.” He said with great excitement.

I laughed.

He bent over and pulled The New Yorker out of his bag.

“Which of these cartoons do you like better?”

I looked at the page and studied each one. There was one drawing of a man at a desk with papers piled high and the caption read something to the effect of “Oh that billion.” The other was a catcher on a baseball field with a dog sitting next to him that had a leash on. Before I could answer he spoke again.

"Can you read?"

“Yes!” I laughed.

“I like that one better.” I pointed to the first one.

He liked the other one and he explained the joke as if that might change my decision.

“But this one is relevant for now.” He said pointing the one I had chosen.

He put the magazine away and handed me the comic section from the San Luis Obispo Tribune, dated October 26th 2006. It was recklessly folded but surprisingly free of any stains or dirt.

“If you ever need something to read that will make you laugh out loud.” He suggested.

“Thank you.” I replied.

Inside I was hooked on him. I wanted to know his mind. Where he lived, what he did. Everything. But I didn’t ask one question, I let him keep going on his own. He told me he used to live downtown. Upstairs in the building on the next street that has marble steps. He lived there with his brother for three years. He told me about a real estate company that deals exclusively with downtown places and wrote their address is his chicken scratch on another small piece of paper for me.

“What’s your favorite animal? Or bird?” He asked me.

“I don’t know.” I said. Then I thought about why I didn’t know. I should know what my favorite animal is. I tried to think of just one name of one bird, any bird, and my mind was blank.

“Well what kind of animal have you had then?” He asked with apparent agitation.

“A cat.”I answered.

He proceeded to draw another cartoon. I could tell what this one was fast. It was me. The caption above me was “I wonder what’s for lunch.” He turned it over wrote today’s date on the back and signed his name. That move alone taught me an incredible amount about who he was. He asked me for seventy five cents and explained that he was out of money, he had been “tipping too much” lately. I’ve never enjoyed a beggar’s line so much. To my despair I had to deny him. I had NO cash what so ever with me. Not even change.

“Oh, that’s ok. Here.” he said, and he scrambled around his jacket searching for something to hand me.

I watched him pull out a sandwich bag with marijuana inside. He pulled a small amount off the rest then put the plastic bag away. His movements were disheveled but still fast. He ripped a piece off of one of the papers in his white bag and placed the small circle of weed in it. He then wrapped it unnecessarily tight into the paper and gave it to me.

“Smoke that with some tobacco. Don’t smoke it on its own. Even if you share it with someone, just a very small amount, its very strong. Only a tiny bit of that and it will knock you on your ass.” He instructed, and he got up to leave.

“Ok, I will. What is your name?” I said.

“Randy. Yours?”

“Skylana.”

We spoke our goodbyes at the same time and he walked away.

I tucked the drawings and the comics in my book and got up. I held the weed in my hand and smiled. This is why I miss this town, if I ever do.

fight

for the second time in barely two weeks a dear friend has been ripped from my life. completely.

two down.

how many more to go?

how much more could i take?

i'm fighting to not grow hardened yet again.

honestly, i feel very very in pain and very alone.

victory in love

sometimes we get to choose how we'd like to move on, we can fix our minds on the end and muster up all our strength and it somehow becomes enough to push us through.

sometimes healing comes from a place we never would have seen coming, a place we never would have chosen, a place that doesn't make sense.

im not clear on where these things come from, is it us? is it god? i dont know. all i know is that when it comes i jump on, close my eyes and hold on tight.

it is in my nature to survive. if i haven't mentioned this before my life has been a story of survival... not always a story of achievement or a story of betterment, but always survival. there have been times i not only survive but i break through to heights no one could expect from me, but most times i just survive. i just make it. which in and of itself seems a miracle to me. i work towards that not being my only triumph though, i work towards greater goals than just not dying, than just not losing it, than just not ruining my entire life... and i will get there. the point is, i am a survivor. i have been conditioned my entire life to be selfish for the sake of life. i'm not talking 'everyone is selfish', i'm talking about if i'm not selfish i WILL die. i WILL be abandoned, i WILL lose. so i chose me, over and over. i've been choosing me. i dont see this is as me being a bad person, but i do see this as habit that can be a fault. its good that i can survive, i know inside i can make it through anything, ANYthing. that is never in question really. but when you are built to survive only, love gets the short end of the stick.

why? because love equals vulnerability and vulnerability equals loss. if you are vulnerable you get hurt, you can be weakened by your hurt and therefore you can lose more easily. if you dont love, i mean truly deeply love then your risk of pain is much less, as is your risk of breaking.

i have become beyond remarkable at preserving myself. i can lock you out FOREVER. i can protect myself like a wolf protecting its young. i am fierce and i am strong. i will fight to my death and leave a legacy of survival behind to my children.

and this way the cycle will continue for generations. it has come this far, through my grandmother, through my mother... survivors. my grandmother was a survivor of her circumstances and she did it well, she taught her defense to my mother who took it in a terribly wrong direction. my mother has always made it through, and history tells me she always will... but history also says she will never overcome. she will never find true victory. she let her selfish survivor preservation defeat her.

she will live her life and make it but the full potential of quality of life she could have experienced will forever be lost.

i dont want to lose mine.

i have been healed from something, yes. would i take back the change that's been made? my nature says no. no matter how much my progress may have affected anyone else? still, my nature tells me no. because this is how i have lived for 24 years.

i am beyond thankful that this healing has finally come and there is a freedom in that.

but there is now the places that have been broken in order to make those whole, there are places in others that have been broken for my benefit. so this question comes up...

how do i learn to truly live beyond survival? to truly learn how to live?

it is an oxy moron to say that my survival could defeat me, but in every sense it is very real truth.

how long will it take for my heart to open in the right places? how long will it take for all the bits of healing to make sense with each other? how can i learn to be vulnerable, to let you in, and be able to let go of the risk?

i loved luke. im not talking about the romance. i'm talking about true, deep, serious, selfless, unconditional, unchanging love. to this day i have no idea where this love came from, it was like something outside me walked into my chest and placed it carefully in the middle of the largest chamber of my heart.

he broke me like no one has EVER broken me, EVER. nothing in my life hurt me more than this one situation, ironically.

i have been scarred, for 8 long years, i have been scarred. the tissue on my heart grew back, but as scar tissue does it grew back stronger than it was before and created a safe barrier against anyone trying to get in. for the first time since then somehow i have seen a place in me that can be vulnerable, really vulnerable, that can love. through learning that i could love and not be taken down i have been healed.

so from here i have to take this knowledge, both the knowledge that i can be vulnerable and not die and the knowledge that surviving alone is not truly surviving at all, and use these things to my advantage and the advantage of those around me. i have to store these things inside me and use them to love the people who matter most to me.

that is where i will find real victory.


i was waiting to write until i could block the one person i want to never look my way again from reading my blog, but i realized that its not me to hide. from anyone. so look all you want, you'll only see me getting better. i know you're watching with envy.

alright here's the deal

i've read emails about me lately.



to the ones talking like you know me, when clearly you dont... get a grip. its obvious from the emails sent to her by people thinking they know me, that you are looking at me through jesus colored glasses. if you could see me on your own then we would probably still be friends whoever you are (i'm sure your defense would be that you could never separate your view of me from jesus, then stop looking). its wild to me that people still think that i dont have friends who disagree with me, this proves that the people who think this either have never known me or have no real contact with me. i have shut a lot of people out of my life recently, and the reason is not from disagreeing, the reason is drama and jesus pushing.

i will not be a christian. i wont. i'm done.

so if youre going to hang out around here, you need to move past that.

it is exhausting to me that there are still some christians who, for whatever reason, are latched onto me like i'm theirs. you are so latched you can't even be happy that i am TRULY happy. i dont need jesus to be happy. maybe you feel so sad that you need him and i dont, i dont know but just let me go. i'm not yours, you dont know my heart and its seriously creepy. when i read the things you people had to say it didn't make me feel like i was missing out, like i was being loved, or like i was angry... it made me feel like you are delusional.

those of you who think i used to have a 'sparkle' when i was following jesus need to realize something... it was FAKE. it wasn't real, it wasn't me. what you were seeing was not me, it was a fabricated me that was doing what others told me to do so that i could receive love. i actively followed something for other people, conciously. so move on.

i have grown up. i realize that only mature people can make the distinction, so it may be hard for those of you to understand who can't look beyond yourself and accept other people no matter what they believe, and truly accept that other people can find love, peace and happiness in things you dont find them in.

i need to put this part of my life behind me. i need to move on from christianity. the book on me being a christian is closed, not to be opened again. i only find hope, peace, comfort and happiness in this statement, so if you think you love me be happy for me. if you hate me... like i have said MANY a time... go away, i dont need nor want you near me. if you think you can't love me and be happy that i have found something outside of jesus then i would actively reject your love, to me, its not love.

i hope im really making this clear.

extravagance

its 620am, my house is clean, dishwasher is on and so is the washer. i'm drinking tea, i've done some reading... what am i going to fill the rest of my day with? i'm being too productive. remember how i talked about how i'm SO efficient?... this is the problem, if i apply myself to my best ability, i do it too well. then i'm left with too much open time. now i'll need some more extra carricular activities.

ok onto the blog....

last night during our smoke, in which i hit a record four cigarettes in a row, seth and i were talking about our dream house.

seth is a dreamer, an idealist. in his mind everything him or i want is perfectly attainable and something we will have. its not in question. he's been asking me to tell him the things i want in life, so he can make a mental note, and from there bring them into our lives. so we started talking about my dream house and how many rooms we would want and what for. i said 4. one for us, two rooms for the girls that they could use as a bedroom and separate play room til they get a bit older and want their own rooms, and a guest bedroom. seth said 5. he wanted the same but he wants his own studio, which could seem extravagant at first but when you need to record as much as seth, it is more economical in the end. so i agreed to 5. then he said we should have 6. all of those, plus a room for me to write in. i started to get a bit angry as i argued with him as to why i did not want anything more than 5 bedrooms and that that was already pushing it. i'd like to have his studio be separate from our house actually and only have 4 bedrooms in our house. we'd also like either a special outdoor kind of area or a place in the studio to make into a hukah lounge.

anyway, i started getting frustrated while explaining why i didn't want a house that was any larger. for seth, this is our dream and we should think of everything we could dream up for this. to me, within dreaming up the things i want, i was thinking of the kind of person i want to be, and stay. i NEVER want to live in extravagance and a 4 bedroom house is already at my very very most outer limit of that, especially if it was a house we built for ourselves. its not that i dont think i deserve it or seth doesnt, its just that i could never feel right living in a house i felt was extravagant, that was too far beyond what we need. if i had millions upon millions i would not build a house with more bedrooms than 4. i know people say you can stay yourself and have lots of money, and maybe some can, but i believe you always change. if that happened to me, or when it does as seth believes, i want to be as much the same as i can be. i was thinking about brad pitt and angelina jolie. if i had as much money as them, i would not want to live the lifstyle they do. i think they do GREAT things and i admire that. but if i had loads of money i wouldn't want to live an extravagant life and then make up for it by doing good things so i didn't feel guilty. i'd rather stay myself, live within what i see as reasonable, and give just because i want to, not because if i dont my life will be totally outrageous.

i had this conversation in regards to touring with matt theison. yea i just kind of named dropped, i dont know if that counts, but maybe semi? anyway we got in kind of an argument about how people have extravagant tours and there is no need. everyone's view of what is ridiculous is different... but you can choose to see what you want. example... if you start out touring in a van, you will accomodate to that, if you move onto an rv, you will accomodate to that and then a van will seem to small, you move to a bus and all of a sudden you dont know how you ever toured on an rv and so on and so forth. i was talking about how britney spears, i'm guessing, spends more on one show (at least for sure did at the time) than coldplay did. she could not do that, still have as many people in her audience and make more money in the end because she didn't spend like 3 million on one show. extravagance.

a lot of people who come out of poverty move to the other extreme, they want, they feel they deserve everything they ever wanted. although i can be an extreme person i long for balance in my life, in every area. i dont want to become the extreme opposite of the poverty stricken life i grew up in, i just want balance. i want a house that is a home, that has enough room and is more than i ever could have thought i would have but that doesn't have so much space we make up reasons to use certain rooms. i dont need a room to write. i can write in a guestroom, i can write anywhere. i want to live a life that fulfills mine and seths dreams, but i want to live a life first and foremost that is true to who i am and what i believe in. anyone can lose who they are and what they believe at the touch of money. i do NOT believe money is evil or bad, i love money, money is great, but who i am is greater.

it was nice talking about our dream house but i told seth that i wanted to get to the place where we love exactly where we are. we havent been there yet. i think its so good to dream and if i wasn't married to seth i might never dream at all... but i also think its good to wait on dreams, hold them for a minute, and love where you are. i feel like we are almost to the place we have been trying to get to since we got married. a home we love, not struggling with money, children that aren't tiny ha, and real happiness with each other. i want to finish getting to those things right now, and we are so close i can taste it. once i am there, i will be free to dream.... to dream for my reasonable, yet beautiful, modern four bedroom home with a hukah lounge....

settle

growing up was constant chaos.

not just because my mother was half way present, and not just because we moved an average of 2 times a year. but because every 'home', which never felt as it sounds, was in constant chaos itself. there were always boxes that wanted to be unpacked, but wouldn't because they would be leaving again soon. there was always papers upon papers piled high on any small available space we had. every windowsill and counter top that wasn't taken up by bills was covered in my mothers useless knickknacks; tiny tiny plants too small to bring any oxygen into our lives, old chocolate wrappers that i had (as a two year old mind you) folded back up and given to her, rocks we found on walks. you name it, it was on our windowsill. we never ate dinner together, never sat at a table, even when we had one. we never lived in a place with enough room, so my mother usually made her bed on the couch. a couple times, we both did. we always lived in apartments that were inherently dirty to begin with, so the clutter only made it that much more charming. i was never made to clean a thing, not my room, not the bathroom, not the dishes, nothing. half of me was lost in a world of make believe that medicated my tired young soul and half of me was tending to a mother who seemed to cry more than the average mother should. although i can remember feeling unsafe in our cluttered messes, they were not priority.

when i was 12 i moved in with my grandparents. i did this because having fallen victim to small town boredom, i had become a theif. as part of probation my option was to move away. my grandmother was beyond hard on me, i am thankful for her every day. at the time i thought what she put me through was insane, and you know even looking back, it was a little crazy. but she is the reason i am a functioning adult. she is the reason i can clean, cook, discipline my children, have common sense or any amount of motivation in life.

she had me do chores, she made me clean my room til it was spotless and she made me dinner every night. every night. if i left an article of clothing on the floor in my room it was taken and i would buy it back with part of my allowance. i can remember one of the first days i was there i was told to sweep the porch. i went outside and did what i thought it looked like i should do. i know this probably sounds like the most foolish thing in the world, but i didn't know how to use the broom. she came out and showed me.

when i left her home to come back to mine there was a part of me that had been woken up. i had always been an organized person, i had always had that inside me. but i grew up in a home where nothing about who i am was nurtured or fostered, nothing was pushed to grow. so i had never known.

since then i have had a few times in my life where the chaos takes over again and i let everything fall around me, its scary, and yet that scariness is comfortable. so at some spots in my life since then, for whatever reason i'm feeling some way that makes me regress to that scary mess, ive let it go.

in general and in life though i thrive off of organization. i think its a combination of what has always been in me and my drive to be the polar opposite of my mother.

seth and i are different when it comes to this issue. he likes clean things, but he is very ok with disorganization. i think he's better living with it if its hidden, but i know its still there and in my mind its very there, eating me alive. some say its because he's an artist and they are messy people, some believe he never had to clean his own messes growing up... hmm... either way its been something that is hard for us both. his closet is something i dream about, that makes me feel like i'm going to have a nervous breakdown at any moment. i can close it and try to pretend everything isn't desheleved behind those doors, but my heart knows better. i've gone through phases where i clean it for him but the amount of effort i put into it isn't worth the amount of time it stays even remotely organized. i haven't been very serious in the past when telling him how much it bothers me. i've let it take me over, i've let it cloud my motivation to keep my house the way i would have it. it makes it hard for me to be motivated to clean as deeply and regularly as i like because inside i know there will always be a hidden mess.

this transfers into my emotional self. this is the neurotic part. i start to feel crazy, discontent, lonely, stressed, overwhelmed and scattered when the disorganization gets to me. i thought when we moved here, because we were getting rid of stuff it would be organized, but nope.

anyway, all this to say that he has heard my cry. my wails. my screams.

seth cleaned out his closet and got rid of SO much stuff.

i feel like i can breathe again, and i feel like there is a point to all the cleaning i do everyday. i feel like every part of our house is organized.

... except his nightstand, but that's where i draw the line for myself.

thank you seth, you just saved my life.

torn cocoon

i feel like my warm place is gone.

thats why i shouldn't have said it.

i shouldn't have let anyone into my cocoon.

now its torn, i want to be alone and i dont want to feel lonely. i'm confused. i feel like i've regressed. i'm 16 year old skylana, 19 year old skylana. my words dont make sense and i can't write what's going on. i dont know how to cope when i can't write, but theres a block. i just sit there with my pen in my hand and there's nothing. i doodle because my words can't do anything justice. there's space in my mind that i dont know how to feel comfort in, and there's places that are too full to manage.

sometimes i think i'm a person who is doomed to live on the edge of reason for the rest of my life. to always be almost right there, almost normal, almost make sense.... but destined to stand on the edge of a cliff, with no bridge, no way to reconcile. i feel foreign in my own skin. i feel unfamiliar and not relateable. mostly i feel lonely.

but i dont want anyone near. i want to push everyone away, although i know i'm not capable. maybe i'll learn how. is this because i want to feel the lonliness? i want to feel my pain? i dont understand. i understand nothing inside me, which is something i am not used to. i feel very lost.

in hiding

this is where i am.

shaded by thick green leaves, wrapped tightly in a safe warm chamber.
leaving my sharp exterior for soft colorful wings.

****************

i've been shedding my skin, becoming full on people, on life, on freedom.
i've been overindulging in everything i can get my hands on, i've been ravaging like a hungry caterpillar. my mind became full, my heart, my senses, everything ready to burst at the seems.

instead of bursting i climed to a safe place and spun a silken gold chrysalis around me.

hiding is peaceful.

i feel myself inside this place now, calm and waiting. i know i'm changing, that was never in question. barely breathing, barely moving, hardly thinking.

i'm just waiting.

although i know this is essential, it differs from anything i have known.
i have been convinced i needed to fight it. i realize now i dont.

this isn't defense. this is metimorphisis.

i can't possibly know what will break out of this cocoon, it remains unclear to me. i'm starting to be ok with that. being so comfortable in change has never been familiar to me and it made me unsettled, i understand that this was supposed to be.

i'm finding comfort in knowing that not everyone knows what is going on inside my safe home, while i change.

this change is mine, i am mine.

bird by bird

i am reading bird by bird by anne lamott (which by the way i had to drive over fragments of my honda to get, because my crash happened right outside the library). this has evidently been passed through some of my friends and has made its way to me. i'm so thankful. reading this book is like reading myself sometimes. me and anne are definitely not the same, but as writers we think a lot a like... which im thinking most do. i have never in my life though of myself as a writer until somewhere along the lines of this past year i realized thats who i am. now i know that is who i am. its in me.

most of you probably know i have started writing a book. i get defeated and dont want to write, i get overwhelmed, i get so obsessed with making sure what i write is perfect. and its not. reading this book is helping me so much i can't even tell you.

today i actually got to sit and read it and take notes. i took notes on her instruction and i outlined characters. i got 5 pages down on my mother alone and i'm not done with her. its so helpful. i'm just crazy excited. anyway.....

seth being gone has been totally fine. i always forget this, that after the first night i get in my own world and i like being without him. doing the things i want to do, having alone time at night. not that i dont miss him... i just like being alone, a lot... i just forget that until i get into it.

so i spent some time writing while the kids slept. the girls were really good today, they went to bed really easy, our house is very clean, and now i'm watching HSM (oh and its the dance slash sing along marathon) like a freak and drinking wine. its good.

i need love

the strongest most common feeling i had growing up was loneliness.

lately, for a couple years, i have been on the defense. trying endlessly to explain and convince on behalf of my character. its been more and more lately that i end up in these places where i'm on the defense, trying to explain that i miss spoke etc. maybe everyone feels as misunderstood as i do, maybe its rare. i dont know and i dont really care. i just know that i'm really really at the end of it. the very end. i'm sick of wasting my time trying to explain myself, i dont know how to fix this problem, i barely know how to accurately explain this problem. anyway nothing really makes me feel as lonely as being misunderstood by someone i care to be understood by, i think thats a normal feeling.

two times when i've felt this recently seth has had to leave. this time he's leaving all weekend, over fathers day. now, as its own seperate issue from the defense, i get very lonely on fathers day. given that i do not have a father i have always hated this day. holidays growing up were in general not very great, we were very very very poor and our family was just me, my mom and later my sister and brother. usually my sister was with her dad and it was just my mother and my little brother. he was too young to really be a part of anything and we didn't really do much because it was just us. i always felt lonely. i always felt poor and always ashamed. fathers day was the worst. all my friends were busy with their fathers and i was having that same lonely holiday feeling only this time i didn't actually have reason to celebrate. all i wanted was a big family to surround me, to go out to eat and give gifts, tells stories and laugh.

so this weekend i'm feeling all of these things misundertsood, on the defense and like that lonely little girl without a father. if this sounds ridiculous to you, dont worry, you are not alone. i despise feeling things like this, i hate that my childhood can affect me, i want to be so much stronger than it that i can laugh it off. but i can't. its not funny.

i feel like seth leaving has been so in sync with other situations that have brought me that lonely feeling the last few times it seems almost on purpose. not seth doing it on purpose but the universe, god, satan, doing it. seth suggests that maybe its just entropy....

it all feels very on purpose, such bad timing cant be coincedence can it?

i'm sure it could.

whatever the true cause, its here and i hate it. my heart aches and i feel like a lonely child trying to take care of children.

my feeling of wanting to hide just keeps coming back.

i want to hide but i want love. all at the same time.

my dream house

joes house

by osburn/clarke.

i'd really take any of their homes.

home

the most home i have ever felt is in the connection from my heart to an others. from my heart to my friends hearts. my friends have always been my family and have always been where i feel at home. like i said earlier this week i'm not quite sure about what is going on with me, there are some specific things that have happened that have tripped out my mind and made my heart ache. i have felt on the defense, like i happen to be a lot and maybe that's why i craved being alone. i dont have to defend myself, against myself. i'll always love me, always think the best of me, always know what's in my heart. now i'm ready to not be alone all the time, but the people i want around me are far. i need some florence in my life, i need a bit of erin lundeen and a heep of mrs. biermann. i need my old friends who know who i am, who love me and bring hope and life into my heart. its hard because i'm not a phone person, neither are the erins and although flo is we miss each other time and time again. i hung out with brook on monday but they practically still live in slo, so there isn't much time to see each other. the only friend i had down here who has known me since i was little is off the friend market right now, which is really a bummer cause i could use that kind of familiarity. my heart feels like a compass that can't find the north. for the first time since i can even remember tonight i really just wanted seth to hug me, hold me and let me cry (if you know me, you know this means something serious). he couldn't though, he had a party in hollywood. so here i am, home alone, which usually i love and tonight i dont. more than anything in the world i want to call up one of my favorite people in the world and have them come over... or all of them. instead, i'm gonna drink some wine, probably cry and watch a movie. its like i really am a girl.