uk knows what's up

for those of you that i have shared the two bedroom dream with....
AMEN.

and then on the other hand, the uk does NOT know whats up...

my friends can laugh at just how terrifying this would be for me.

*jenna leigh if you read this, i tried to email you back on that last one but your email didn't work anymore..

sexy

we woke up yesterday like any other day, not well rested with children jumping on us.

i was pretty pissed about how many times arabella had woken up and i had a head ache so in those first few minutes i forgot that it was our anniversary. seth reminded me with a kiss and a "happy anniversary, i love you." we got up and ready and seth left for work.

2 minutes later he walked back in. he came over to me and said "i need to tell you something."

ok. i thought, he kissed someone... that's ok i mean i kind of deserve it... i hope he didn't sleep with someone, he wouldn't do that, but if he did its ok, we'll figure it out. whatever it is must be huge because i haven't seen him be so frightened or serious, and its our anniversary... anything bad worth telling me on our anniversary must be terrible.

we went in our room and he stalled a bit. my heart was beating really fast and i just said "please just spit it out! the suspense is killing me!!"

"my friend convinced me to go to a stip club last night, i only stayed for a few minutes." he said

OH MY GOD. the first thing i said was "oh my god seth! dont scare me like that!!!! i thought you did something really bad! i dont care!"

it was pretty hilarious. it was pretty precious. if you know seth i'm sure you could only imagine him in a strip club and how awkward that idea is. his friends thinking was that seth is 26 and has never seen the inside of a strip club, he should at some point... and i agree. seth felt super bad. this will be one of my favorite stories of ours forever.

on our date we were talking about his strip experience and how gorgeous (not haggard at all) the girls were and how it was just super fun (not awkward, sad or thought provoking) hahah... aw. then i remembered a lovely little tidbit from my past....

when i was 16 or 17. i think i was 16 and i lied and said i was 17, either way under age, i went to the relm to get a job. now a lot of you may not know what the relm was. it was san luis obispo's downtown topless bar. nothing too crazy, just pole dancers who couldn't take their chones off. its INSANE to imagine that there was a bar like this in san luis obispo, its even more insane to think i was going to get a job there and its even more insane to think they were GOING TO HIRE ME when i was 16, 17 to their knowledge.

the funniest part? this was RIGHT before i dated luke the second time and on the outside this is when everyone saw me as super christian. i hope this helps those that still think my chrisianity was real realize that alas.... it was not.

oh the good good old days.

how gross.

a new outlook

its all over.

all the bad things are done.

the stuff i mentioned that i had been going through the past couple weeks, the stuff that was making want to stay in my bed all day, its all over. i'm so much better. i feel back to myself and so thankful its all over. im sure its annoying that i can't explain, but i just wanted all of you to know that i'm ok, i'm completely better and i dont want to stay under the covers.

life has been so crazy the past 7 months, i mean beyond crazy, and its finally all ending. i feel like everything has been worked through in a sense and the work we have to do from here on out is very do-able and not overwhelming. i'm so thankful to be out of the baby stage with nola because i know that made EVERYTHING crazy.

it might be hard for moms who love being moms to understand, or moms who haven't had post partum depression, but seriously having ppd made me a different person. getting pregnant when you DONT want to at all and when you feel so comepletely not ready is beyond intense, especially when you have a one year old you JUST stopped nursing. for me nursing arabella was crazy, my hormones made me so different and i just wanted to be myself again and right when i got to that point i felt like it was ripped away again by being pregnant with nola. so from the point where i found out i was pregnant with her, i think is when everything slowly started going downhill. i'm so so so thankful for nola and since i know her i can't not love her.... i'm very glad i have her. but that was just my limit and i really was pushed by life over my edge. really over.

i feel like this last event was the very bottom of that deep deep valley that i was pushed into and i've come out. i can feel myself climbing and the incline is mild and steady.

i'm really excited for the new way i feel that seth and i are making our life together. for the time we've been together we've always just 'let things work out'... got married fast and thought 'well it'll just work out'... we had kids fast and young and thought it would 'just work out'... we were making the decisions but acting like we weren't. we were chosing how our lives would look but maybe not the best way we could have and thinking more along the lines of it working out than thinking about how we could make it the best possible... how we could make it really truly what we wanted and how we wanted. i dont like how people put their lives in the hands of someone else (or so to speak because truly its still in your hands). when we do that its like we're making huge decisions, hoping it will work out and blaming the outcome on someone or something else. i'm so excited that we have started to make decisions for our life because we KNOW what we want, we know what we want for ourselves, our children and our future and we will act accordingly. no more letting things happen and hoping they 'work out' no more making foolish decisions or hasty decisions and talking about how even though its maybe not the best it will be ok. sure its ok, its all turned out ok... but there has been A LOT of work and A LOT of heartache that could have been avoided with a little wisdom and responsibility. anyway all this is just to say that i'm super excited about the new outlook i feel like we both have on this life we are creating together. i'm excited because it feels like we are on the same page and it feels like there is hope. it feels good to truly know that we can create the life we want, we dont have to just take life as it comes... we are the ones making it... we are the ones defining it.

fear&love

in my life, they have always come hand in hand.

when the foundation of your life changes, nothing is left unsettled.

i haven't said a lot (for me) lately, i've probably been blogging as much as a normal blogger... but i've felt like i've been hiding... hiding things i've been too afraid to say and yesterday, i hit the end. i can't hide... for me hiding is when i'm lying, but lying for me is just not telling everyone everything. being transparent is what keeps me alive and when i'm not i feel like i'm alone and i'm going to break. when i ran yesterday i ran faster than i ever have for a half an hour straight, i was sweating and bright red.. i closed my eyes and just imagined myself in the middle of nowhere running away. i came home and talked.

life has been filled with fear lately...

i'm afraid of failing, i'm afraid of both of us failing.
i'm afraid if i fail then my children will be hurt.
i'm afraid people will stop loving me if i fail.
i'm afraid of our kids spending time at two houses.
i'm afriad seth will hate me.
i'm afriad of losing myself.
i'm terrified of being like my mother.
i'm afraid i can't love enough.
i'm afraid i will never be good enough for him.
i'm afraid of being unhappily married forever.
i'm afraid of making a choice i will regret.
i'm afraid that i can't be what he needs.
i'm afraid of what i feel.

i'm hopeful that as we work towards fixing this, that it will actually be fixed.
i'm hopeful that the things i feel will somehow change through working hard.

my fears are many and my hope little, but i believe hope is stronger and i am here...
for now, i am here.

i will try and i will work until there's nothing left or it all makes sense.

believe me friend

seth is my very best friend.

but that doesn't change the fact that marriage is hard. some days are wonderful and you want to stay in that place forever, some days are shitty and all you want to do is quit and run far far away and most days you are just going through life trying to make everything work and take care of your children. its not glamorous and its not your average lifestyle for early 20s. .. but it is my life.

i dont want to go through the motions of my life and miss out on whats going on, i dont want to run away from my life because it overwhelms me almost every day, and a lot of times i dont want to stay and fight for the life i have created... but really i do want to stay and fight.

i think i got married too young, i got married too fast, i had children too soon after getting married and while i was too young. now a lot of days i feel trapped, trapped in the life i may have wanted someday, but not the life i wanted now. there are things i never realized about myself before i got married, like how i dont think i'm the marrying type. i think because of what i was surrounded by at the age i got married, i thought that was what i was supposed to do... but honestly marriage is very not me. so seth and i are learning to make the marriage we committed to look like us, not like it is all around us in its varying forms. which can be hard, since we are very opposite people. i did not understand what marriage was when i made this commitment, i dont think many people do... its hard to understand something you know nothing about. i am still trying to understand what i believe marriage is and what that means as far as my life with seth. a lot of times i feel like i dont believe in marriage, but i think i do just not what i have been taught that marriage is by other people.

there may only be a handful of things that i think i understand in the bible and one of them is paul saying 'to those who are unmarried, especially to widows: It is good for them to remain like me' because i think in most cases it is hard to focus on other people and being who you are when you need to put most of your time into the person you live your life with (which i am not even sure is his reasoning). on one hand i understand it being harder to be myself while being married and on the other hand i've always felt like seth made me more myself. seth and i go through times that are easy and free, we go through wild times where we fight like drunk men at a bar (sans broken beer bottles) and we go through times like this where we are friends living side by side trying to work together.

through all the happiness we have experienced and all the pain, i know there will be plenty more of each to come, whether we are in one or the other... whether we feel passionate or beige, whether there is romance or friendship.. or both, whether we're fighting or making up, whether we are full of life or worn completely down...

we are friends. best friends.

and i know that seths own words for his friend ring true in my heart for him.


in the end when its all gone believe me friend you wont be there alone.

pammy jean

if you know me now, you know that i am not jealous or insecure. seth could probably kiss another girl and i woulndt feel jealous. i just dont have that in me anymore... but i wasnt always so sure of myself and of our relationship (ive always been sure of seths love). though im sure its hard to believe there was a time that i was insecure.

when seth and i started dating he was recording the eager seas album... he had written two songs for pam, the lovely lady he dated before me. i liked pam, and i was glad they had dated... but i wasnt excited about an album with two songs about another girl coming out while seth and i were engaged... i thought it would promote endless questions.

he changed the lyrics to both of these songs.

the songs are
all that i cant keep and broken man

i cant remember what broken man was called but it was the cutest song and all that i cant keep was called pammy jean and was probably the second cutest song. i now regret worrying about the lyrics at all. those songs, in my heart, were meant to be the way they were and thats how i love them. seths gonna try and find the recordings in their original beauty. i hope he does because i can barely remember the lyrics now.

i hate that i didn't understand at the time that it was ok. those songs documented a part of his life, a part of his life that i love and am so thankful for. plus they were about pam and i just really like her. being jealous and insecure is stupid, and pointless.

people really love broken man and all that i can't keep and its cool that those songs got to be songs at all... but at the same time for me... they're not real. they're like masks.

so there's some watashi wa trivia.
and some young skylana ridiculousness.

you're the storm.

i've listened to this song about 30 times today. ok not really, but a lot.

it is THE most romantic song i have EVER heard. i'm in love with it.


please listen to it.

you're the storm by the cardigans.

oh it's healing - bang bang bang
i can hear your cannons call
you've been aiming at my land
your hungry hammer is falling

and if you want me I'm your country

I'm an angel bored like hell
and you're a devil meaning well
you steal my lines and you strike me dumb
come raise your flag upon me

and if you want me I'm your country
if you win me I'm forever - oh yeah!

'cause you're the storm that I've been needing
and all this peace has been deceiving
I like the sweet life and the silence
but it's the storm that I believe in

come and conquer and drop your bombs
cross my borders and kill the calm
bear your fangs and burn my wings
I hear bullets singing

and if you want me I'm your country
if you win me I'm forever - oh yeah!

'cause you're the storm that I've been needing
and all this peace has been deceiving
I need some wind to get me sailing
so it's the storm that I believe in

you fill my heart, you keep me breathing
'cause you're the storm that I believe in

and if you want me I'm your country

and love on a serious note.

i believe that love should set you free.

seth makes me more me. the way he loves me sets me free. its like his love brought me back to the person i was born to be, i've been broken by life and put up defenses all around my heart.... but seth came and told me how much love i had inside. i didn't believe him, i've always felt like my love had run dry, and as much as i wanted to love i didn't feel i had the capacity. then we became friends. we were friends with everyone. him and i would spend every second of our day becoming friends with people and listening to them and loving them. whenever we hung out all we wanted to do was love our friends and make new ones. ... i dated luke and i lost it again. he hated that about me, he wanted me quiet and being the young naive girl i was i became what he wanted. and only now do i feel like i'm finding me again. the one who wants to be surrounded by people all the time and to love them and understand them just for the sake of humanity. seth and i were made to be together and we were made to love together. he wants me to be friends with anyone i want to hang out with because he believes that as humans all that is important is that we have relationships with whoever we find goodness with. if that makes sense. and i feel the same. seth is not mine. he is his own person and i am my own, but we are meant to be with each other and meant to love others together. i want to do whatever i can to help seth love others and build friendships, him the same. im just so thankful i married someone who feels this way, who has taught me what true unconditional freeing love is and has brought me back to myself over and over.

love is meant to set us free, not hold us back... i believe its meant to makes us more of who we are. seth has done that for me.

im really excited to be back where i was when seth and i first became friends because there was nothing better in the world than the feeling i got when him and i loved our friends together. i finally again feel like i have an infinite amount of love stored inside my heart and i just want to give it away to anyone i can.

*****UPDATED ****how creepy am i?

i had a dream last night that i had an affair... with seth.

like i left seth for seth. the 'other' seth had a different name, but everything about him was the same as seth except for how he kissed, and that's why i stopped seeing him and wanted my real seth back. also in the dream i was at some party and our cousin andy was telling us how he used to win swing dance competitions and he was laying on the floor in front of a lady who was dancing (who i'm pretty sure was our friend camerons sister) with his hands under his chin kicking his legs. if you know andy.. you love this.

also way before i had this dream we had put nola in her swing before we went to bed and she was still sleeping when we got in bed... she woke up a little while later, but right before she did her swing opened on its own... the part that snaps across her lifted up. then seth went and got her. it scared the SHIT out of me. the whole night i was convinced there was a ghost in our room that opened her swing and i could barely sleep.

*i forgot to say that in that same dream i also dreamed that LUKE was babysitting ara, and said seth and i were the best friends he's ever had !!! hahahha yea right. its cause we just ran into him.

anyway also tonight at dinner i was explaining to seth why i thought there was a ghost in our room and i'm pretty sure he thinks there was one in there too now. he didn't realize that i actually SAW with my own two eyes the swing open on its own. (and no, its not spring loaded in ANY way.)

in so much love.

i am in so much love. in love with seth, in love with arabella, in love with nola. my family is perfect. you all have heard about how much i love seth but the most amazing thing about having kids is how much more you fall in love with your spouse and how much closer you feel to them. when arabella was born this happened and its happened again only in a totally different way... with arabella there was so much of a bond formed over us both being scared and young and coming into being parents together and pushing through all the tough stuff that came at us from having a baby. it was like we were both innocent kids that moved into being mature adults together and it molded our hearts that much closer... even with the birth i needed seth there because he supported me, he was afraid for me but he encouraged me like he knew i could do it, even though in reality he had no idea. having him believe in me without knowing for sure that it was possible created a trust we didn't have before....

and now with nola there is a bond that i didn't even know could be reached in my heart and there is so much more love than i've ever thought i would be capable of. this time we weren't scared and young, we knew what was happening and to see the grace with which we have handled each other over the past 9 months shows me just how much we've grown together... and to have him there to hold me up at the birth this time was so much different. it was an entirely different bond... i leaned on him because even when i was afraid, he wasn't because this time he knew, he had seen me do it and he wasn't afraid.. he was a rock for me. and now that she's here, knowing she was the piece to complete our family there is a feeling i can't completely even describe... that seth and i are the head of this family together, made to perfectly compliment each other, not just for us but for these two beautiful souls we brought to earth... so that we can teach them love. its amazing to look at her and to see her as his daughter is so much different than it is with arabella, but just as amazing and life changing. i'm so beyond thankful for my babies and the most amazing best friend i could have asked for... we have love i didnt even know existed and it is what my whole life is for.

stop me if you've heard this one...

but during all these politics an issue has come up that does a lot with seth and i... the fact that a lot of times we dont agree... or at least it doesn't seem that we do and after a very long conversation we either find common ground or come to understand each other. sometimes the fact that there are huge moral issues or beliefs or political stances that we dont agree on or one of us seems sure about and the other doesn't.... can make life very hard, can make living together as one person a struggle. but honestly i LOVE this struggle. it makes me cry, it makes me feel alone sometimes and it makes us fight... but more than that it makes me grow, it makes us closer, it makes us talk and it makes us go deeper. its easy to be married to someone when you agree on the base issues of your moral beliefs or the base issues of your political stance, some base issues we do agree on, but there are those we dont, or we're not sure about and their not like 'oh does seth believe in speaking in tongues' or something random that doesn't matter (i know, can you even believe i've really had that conversation?)... they're the core... its not easy to understand another person when you can't relate on the big issues, but somehow as we've proven to each other it can be done. i dont mean to be a brag or anything but honestly this is one of the things that makes us both feel like our marriage is the best... its soooooo good. its so right, so not scary. when we started out our communication was INSANE.... and to think that we have come to the point where we can talk about major differences in the foundation of who we are or what we believe and still feel like we're one and still find love and understanding for the other, most the time without fighting about it, is amazing. i love the place we have come to these days, its so secure... i know we will face challenges as we get older, but there is not ONE single thing either of us could think of that in our minds even sheds one bit of doubt that we could make it through and make it through as an even better pair. i dont even know how to really describe this kind of love or commitment in words but i'm so thankful for it and i love being able to look at each other and honestly say 'i love our marriage, its the best. i'm truly so happy'... and even more to hear him say the same and to know we both mean it. we have our fights and we have our misunderstandings, but i think the work we've done this past 3 years of being the most brutally honest both of us could possibly be... has paid off and will pay off the rest of our lives. we both have had the feelings of wanting out and thinking this will be too much... we've both felt trapped... we've both felt like we rushed this... we've both doubted if this was right... we've both felt like we missed out. but i dont ever feel that way anymore, deep in my heart there is not one ounce of any of those things left... we have proven ourselves to each other in a way that cannot be changed by time, or error, or anything in this world.

danger.

i was trying to explain to seth why i love edward so much... so much that i would make this...



and i was like, 'he's just so dangerous, but he loves bella... like he could just kill her in a second'

and he just laughed and said 'yea, i could kill you in a second. easy'

i guess that wasn't the best argument as to why i like him.

i love rabbi's

just a heads up- i tried to lace this post with as many links as i could.

marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman went on oprah talking about his book The Truth About Cheating and he talked about the reasons men gave as to why they cheated. the majority of men cheated because there was something missing in their relationship... that they didn't feel appreciated etc. he emphasizes that most men aren't cheating for the sex... then he gives examples of things wives can do to prevent they're men from straying....



a lot of women freaked out saying he was 'blaming women' for men cheating and a lot of them said it is just about the sex. .. this really chapped my ass as i like to say, because it just shocks me that women would first of all feel better about putting the opposite sex in a category where they are feeling-less pigs than understanding that they themselves could have had a part in driving their husbands away and learning how to change that and become better partners. i dont think cheating is excusable, but i refuse to accept this idea that the woman that a cheating man is married to has NO responsibility in the relationship getting to the point where a husband would even think about cheating. that's ridiculous. gary talks about the fact that there are definitely men who cheat because they want to and those are the guys who show no remorse.... but that these are not the majority of the men who do cheat... the majority are men who are normal guys, work all day long take care of their family and want to feel appreciated for that.... and any person who is not appreciated or understood long enough could be easily tempted to make a mistake or do something otherwise out of their character.... i think its soooooo good that he's trying to teach women what men need, its not about who's fault the cheating is, because yes in the end its always the one who cheats fault that they actually took action, but its about giving your partner what they need so they dont get alienated over time. ... because in a lot of cases that leads to a terrible mistake. lets fix it before it happens is what he is trying to say and if we want to do that then we have to create healthy marriages where partners feel appreciated by each other.. and he only talked about men that day but he is writing a book about why women cheat too. anyway. it just makes me annoyed that so many women can't focus on the whole point of what he's saying, that our men need our approval and our appreciation just as much as we need theirs and if they dont have it they might look elsewhere for it, because they're human. like us. the thing is too that most the women who are angered by it are women who have been cheated on, but its like.... can they really not see that that is just the heart speaking from bitterness? not wanting to admit that things you did lead him to that place? take the advice and make your next relationship better, healthy...

when you're in a relationship you are never alone, everything they do affects you and everything you do affects them. men are not just mindless pigs who only follow their dicks.... and to make them out to be such only shows weakness on our part ladies... and obviously further proves the point that if we think that way our men will be misunderstood and left to find that understanding and appreciation somewhere else.

and really was it that big of surprise to know that men need that continuous approval and appreciation for the things they do day in and day out like all people do?


----Although Gary discusses how wives of cheaters can factor into affairs, he says he wrote the book to empower women. "It's not about blaming the wife. It can't be. I mean, cheating is ridiculous. It's wrong. And you can't justify it," Gary says. "My book is about one thing. It's really about empowering women. If I can give you knowledge that says that I could have proof that if you do certain things, you can lead your relationship to a better place, that will be much better for you as well because it's not just about stopping tragedy. It's about building a much more mutually beneficial relationship."----- if this doesn't make sense to you and you're in a relationship, the relationship probably isnt as healthy as you think....


its weird that people dont think this way to me, i feel like if seth cheated i would definitely be pissed but i would know i had a part in getting him to that point. his fault in it would be the action he took after feeling the way he did, my fault in it would be the things i did to make him feel the way he did. that doesn't seem crazy or hard to understand to me, it seems like duh... that's what relationships are all about. i'm here to make seth happy and feel the best he can, to make him feel like he has value and worth and that he's going into work every day for a reason, a good reason... and he is here to do the same... thats how people survive and its not just in marriage, people thrive off of feeling important and appreciated, so when they dont it doesn't seem illogical to expect them to do irrational things to feel important and appreciated. that doesnt make those irrational actions right, but its a lot more complicated than just right and wrong.

i certainly think there are guys who cheat cause they are idiots.... but most men aren't just idiots and i feel like women make them out to be a lot and i dont like it.



anyway did any ladies see that show? and what did you think of what he had to say?


for that matter did any guys see that show? or have something to say on this subject?



i pretty much always love what rabbi's have to say... above any other religious leader i've heard from, i respect them. another awesome rabbi with super good advice that i love is rabbi shmuley boteach.
i used to watch him on shalom in the home. awesome.

what these rabbi's have to say is what our society needs because our marriages and our family's have taken a dive of death.

ok second blogsalot.

look out cause this is going to be sickeningly cute....
seriously, it even makes me sick.






















photosesh 2008.

we wanted to remember our 3rd anniversary very well.

it was so nice.
we went to buona tavola (one of our fav restaurants)

and our waiter said bruschetta like flo.

i couldn't decide if he really was italian or not cause sometimes he had an accent and then sometimes he didn't... i was like 'is he doing that thing my mom and flo do?' and seth was like 'he's probably has an italian family but grew up here'

i think he went to italy last summer and is just a little too excited about it.

either way it was awesome.

we got everything we wanted.
bruchetta, this eggplant thing, tortelloni, wine, beer, tiramisu, and gelato.

then we went to lineas and sat out back and had drinks and talked.

we came home and rented 'what happens in vegas'

AWESOME. haha. loved it.

it was such a nice night, and sooooo nice to not have ara (no offense baby) and our dear friends erin and karl didn't even ask us to pick her up until the next day at 12!!!!!

look out fourth year... here we come!

i will never bake you a home made cake.

that's what i told seth when we got married. he loved baked goods and had always gotten home made cakes from his mother or grandmother for his birthday, home made breads, pretty much everything home made. i came from a box cake, mac n cheese fam... and the only thing i had ever baked was apple pie.. and all i did was peel the apples...

anyway i dont know what the hell happened but if you know me, you know that i'm kind of a baking machine now. seth brought to my attention that this weekend i made home made lasagna with home made sauce, whole wheat bread, zucchini bread, apple pie and two batches of pancakes. and i love it. i would NEVER give anyone i know a box cake ever again... even when we have birthday parties for one of seth's friends... i make them a home made cake.... that's whole wheat. i love waking up on the weekends and knowing i can bake whatever fun treat breakfast we want to have, i love knowing that even if all we have is flour i can make a delicious loaf of bread, i love that if someone comes here and has a desire for something sweet, that my hands have the ability to make it out of nothing and it makes them happy. i love testing just how healthy yet still fluffy and tasty i can make a baked good....

seth really brings out the best parts of me. the home maker. the baker. the vegetarian.... we were talking last night about how crazy it is that if either one of us thinks about being married to someone who ate meat that we wouldn't be able to handle it.. it just really means a lot to us. but it wasnt always that way for me and its so awesome that it some how became that way and i can relate to seth in that way, it may sound silly to people who dont care about eating meat, but its super important to me and seth and its really important that we both understand that feeling....

i'm just so glad that i dont hate baking anymore, or cleaning the house, or not eating meat, or doing laundry, or cooking... its so fun to be a wife and mom, and its so fun to take care of your house for your family... and i'm so thankful that i get o do that for them and that i get to enjoy doing it.

three

next wednesday is seth and my third anniversary and im writing about it now cause i feel all lovie about it now....

its weird because on one hand it feels like we've barely been married enough time to be two months away from being a 4 member family but on the other hand it feels like we've always been together... i'm sure part of it is normal but part of it is because we were together for so long before we got married. not dating, but together. i'm sure a lot of you know how seth and i came together, but i'm guessing many dont... so i thought i'd tell you.. lucky you.

seth and i met in 2001 right after i moved back up here from thousand oaks. he remembers meeting me at church, so if you're interested in that version... ask him. i remember meeting him at my high school. it was the last christian club of the school year, and i never had been and was not the type to be going but my friend carissa knew a guy who was speaking at it (turned out to be joel limpic, the brother of seth's now business partner. or maybe it actually was jeremy.. i dont know) anyway we got there late and missed it but carissa saw seth and said hi and introduced me, he was with steve anselm. we walked out and carissa was like 'isnt he cute?' and i was like 'sure' and she was like 'but he has this weird girlfriend he's had for like 4 years' and i was like 'oh bummer' thinking of him for her not me... i know we saw each other at church and stuff but the next time i remember seeing him was an evening service he was standing with jamie (which i didn't know at the time, but know now) and he had left over lasagna with him and i was like 'can i PLEASE have a bite of that?' and finally after lots of begging he let me have it and it was the best lasagna i thought i had ever had... again didnt know then, but know now that it was flo's lasagna! he had just had dinner at her house and then brought it to church... it was meant to be. after that its kind of a blur for a bit.... we somehow became really close, really fast... hanging out every single day. having josh perrish drive us everywhere because although i was 16 and he was 18 neither of us had a drivers license. we went to the same homegroup so we got to know each other there...

anyway it was perfect timing to be in each others lives, he had just gotten his heart broken by jamie, like BIG time and i was a complete mess. i had moved back with my mom because i had overdosed on tylenol pm and benedryl while living with my grandparents and as soon as i moved back i just started getting wasted and having sex and... then going to the burn service on sunday... smelling like alcohol. yikes. i had never known a guy i could trust, in walked seth, and it was so weird because he didn't have to do anything. i knew he would love me for the rest of my life and i knew i could trust him with anything. it wasn't romantic at all, it was just true real love for the first time. one night we went to uptown with danielle felger and amy stumph and probably other people too but somehow the subject of me liking seth came up and i said 'he's like my brother' and he was like 'why do i have to be like everyone's brother' and i was shocked...cause it had never even crossed my mind that we would like each other... i was crushin on luke so i was a little distracted...
we stayed friends, and we just ignored that comment... i wasn't really sure if it even meant that he liked me, i just forgot about it.

then me and luke went out. november 2001... this was our first trip down sucky relationship lane and it was fast.. only a month. while luke and i were together i went to mexico with a group of friends including seth and the whole time i treated him like crap, because i thought maybe he liked me and i didn't know what to do, it was dumb. we faught. i asked amy robinson, amy stumph, carissa and danielle what i should do and they asked me if i liked seth and i was like 'i dont think so, i just love him a lot' and then CLASSIC i love it amy robinson was like 'i think if you care more about what seth thinks, like if you get dressed and think 'seth would like this' and not luke, then you should break up with luke' and i just said 'oh' but inside i was thinking 'well of course i do that, but its not cause i like seth its just cause he's more important to me than anyone and he has good style'
so we came back from mexico....

luke didn't want me and seth to be friends, so i wrote seth a letter and told him we couldn't be friends. we were both heart broken and SUPER dramatic about it. awesome.

i went on a trip with luke's family to disneyland, our relationship was really awkward..i mean there was nothing to it, we didn't even talk, we just thought each other were cute and we kissed... that was it. he told me one night on that trip that he was 'falling in love with me more every day' we got home and he broke up with me... awwwwwwkward. i still liked him. i thought i loved him, please dont even ask me why. i dont think even God knows the answer to that one.

me and seth hung out after this and he was on vicodin. when seth is on vicodin he just gets really honest. ... and prior to this conversation seth and i had gotten in a kind of fight about abortion on the phone... that meant we had faught twice. we were sitting outside thomas odenwalds house. i was excited cause we could be close again so i said ' this means we can be best friends again' and he said 'no we can't. i thought you were the one, but things you've done lately have reminded me of jamie so i know you're not the right one.' and something about how we couldn't really be close either i was completely shocked that he had thought i was 'the one'.... i'm not sure exactly how it was immediately after this, the next thing i remember was that i thought i had a crush on seth, but he had just started liking bess! haha. i felt like i had to tell him i liked him because otherwise i would be weird around him... so at a show at slo nazarene i told him i had to tell him something, he knew what i was going to say and he even told me he did. so i said 'ok then i dont need to say it' and he was like 'i want to hear you say it' what a punk! so i did and the second i said it i knew it wasn't right and it was gone. i had liked him for like a week. after all this i realized that seth was just meant to be my very best friend and i knew that sooooooo many people were constantly coming to him with their problems and just taking from him. so literally one day i woke up and thought 'i'm going to be the best friend i possibly can to seth, and i dont care how he ever treats me' and that's what i did. he didn't remember my birthdays, he didn't really ask a lot about me but i didn't even care i knew he loved me and i felt like he deserved a really good friend that didn't expect anything in return from him. we continued on as best friends for a long time, always talked on the phone, i would spend the night at his parents house, we almost spent 24 hours a day 7 days a week together.

then... i started dating luke again. i know, what the hell? i had liked him throughout this whole time, i dated someone else named nick but i still thought i was in love with luke the whole time i was with nick and thats essentially why him and i broke up, twice.... so then luke and i became friends, real friends and would talk on the phone and hang out with seth, cameron, skye and danielle.... one night i remember us talking about 'dating' not us but just in general and i said 'i want to marry someone im best friends with for like 5 years' and he was like 'that's a long time' and i was like 'yea but if you didn't know you were going to marry them, it wouldn't seem like a long time'. the thought that seth was my best friend did not even cross my mind. this was 2003, towards the end of the summer. me and luke started dating at the end of august and at first it was good seth was also really close friends with luke so the three of us would hang out, i thought i was great... until luke told me that when we hung out he was the third wheel. he didn't want us to hang out anymore, and at this point luke and i thought we would probably get married, so i felt like it was more important to make luke feel ok. so seth and i tried to not really be friends... it didnt ever really happen. we went through phases of not talking a lot, but i'd always call him cause i couldn't live without him and he would be like 'its not fair to tell me we cant be friends and then call me' plus he wanted to respect luke even though he thought he was being lame. (in lukes defense seth and i were super weird best friends, holding hands, staying at his house, kissing on the cheek) but that's the only time i will defend him.

ok so anyway the next year 2004 i moved to florida. luke and i were sure at this point we were gonna get married. his mom tried to tell him i wasn't right for him and he got annoyed (but parents know)... if me and luke had an issue and i would tell my mom she would say 'what about seth' and i would get sooo mad.. seths parents thought i was gonna marry him the night they met me at his 19th birthday party, even luke's dad thought maybe me and seth should be together....

not me and seth.

we would randomly remind each other out loud that we would NEVER marry each other. just like 'i'm never gonna marry you you know' and the other would be like 'uh duh'. when i was in florida was the first time that actually marrying seth crossed my mind. we weren't allowed to talk and i just felt like i couldn't live without him, he felt the same... and i was just thinking about marrying luke and how i would be able to live my life without being close to seth... (i know, now its like HELLO freaking idiot) but we were a little slow. i called my friend tamika and told her how i was feeling she said 'have you ever thought that maybe you're supposed to be with seth?' and i just said 'no, i'll figure it out' and got off the phone, i was sitting by this little lake and i just had this weird feeling that was so real and it hit my heart like a ton of bricks and in my mind 'i'm supposed to marry seth' and i prayed. (seth hates this part) i prayed that god wouldn't make me marry seth.... and it was weird because it wasn't that seth wasn't more than what i could have ever wanted, cause he was, it was just that for whatever reason i wasn't in love with him and i was in love with luke, and i didn't want god to 'make' me fall in love with seth. what a weirdo.

i ignored it.

i moved back from florida and luke and i were great at first but the more i started to not really be ok with mercy church the more strained, obviously, our relationship became... he didn't understand that church isn't everything... i felt like if we were going to get married than our relationship was more important than 'church' not god, but church... so we broke up. it was probably the worst time of my life. i felt dead and alone. i didn't have close friends, i didnt have seth, i was confused about my church and luke was all of a sudden gone. i had to tell myself out loud 'get out of bed' every morning just so i would do it. i called seth after a little while. at first i was afraid to be friends with him because i wasnt sure if luke and i would get back together, but once i knew it didn't matter i was back to talking to seth every night.

it was the best.

this was december 2004.

seth was in seattle recording with jason, he came home in january and seeing him at the airport was the most amazing thing in the world. we hadn't seen each other in sooooooooooooooo long and we were free to hug and be best friends. the best.

we just hung out, a lot. and we started to flirt. weeeeeeird. then at the end of the day sometimes we would say things like 'i kinda liked you today' ....

once we knew we liked each other i wanted to kiss... but we both knew that when we did, it would be life changing.

we went on our first date on valentines day as friends with roger tompkins, margy, my friend erin (not one anyone of you knows now, yet ANOTHER erin), and jason. none of them spoke like a single word. so it was just seth and i talking the WHOLE time. haha. we went to vienni vai.

we kissed on february 20th 2005 and it was definitely life changing. i'm not a mushy person, and i'm not even very romantic, but that kiss felt like it made the world stop and lightening shot through our bodies... it was the end of the most amazing friendship and the beginning of the most beautiful life together at the same time.

the best part was that we kept thinking we were gonna shock all our friends when we told them but every time we told someone they would say 'yea, finally' uh hello???

from there we got engaged around june i think? i never remember what month it was.. haha... and then we got married september 3rd 2005....

i'm so thankful for seth, i can't even imagine life without him.. i can't believe i ever did live life without him. he has made me a better person in so many ways. the way he has loved me has healed me and changed me, has made my heart whole again. i know that there are so many people who wish for a love like we have and never find it and i am so grateful that for whatever reason we were able to find this. he really is a part of me, i'm not the 'soulmate' believing type, but there is no other way to describe what seth is to me... he is so much more than my husband, so much more than romance, he is the very best friend i have ever known and he has always shown me the truest love that anyone could since the day we met. i would not understand anything about love from God if i didn't know the love that seth has shown me. i never have to be afraid that we could be torn apart because even if romance left and one of us failed, our marriage is built on a mountain of friendship and a deep foundation of trust. i know who seth is inside and out, no matter how much he grows and changes he is so a part of me that that will never change.

and how funny that i married someone who was my best friend for 4 years without me knowing he was my husband, just like i wanted. ... minus one year :)

guiseppie

seth is on tour until july 9th and i miss him terribly. usually i miss him and all but i really like having my alone time... but this time i just feel like i need him. i couldn't sleep hardly at all last night because he wasn't there... which is funny since we cant sleep when we're in the same bed... but just knowing he's 2 feet away makes me feel filled with peace. our home just isn't the same without him in it.

olan baycay

we went on a mini vacation to santa barbara and it was long needed and amazing! we stayed at a beautiful hotel that we already got half off and then they upgraded us to a suite... we got to sleep in and take naps everyday... and spend lots of uninterrupted time together... the weather was so beautiful and we got to go to the zoo the last day, where all we could think about was how much ara would ADORE all the animals especially the elephant. when we came home on friday we painted some furniture in our home and our couch was delivered!... our rug is supposed to be here this week and we are getting the whole house painted the last two weekends this month, i will post pictures soon! our vacation pictures can be seen here

if you have myspace....

music into marriage

there have been a couple instances lately concerning seth doing music that have finally brought me closure....

when we found out we were having another baby we decided that what would be best for our family as a whole would be seth not doing music full time like we had planned.. which was really hard because not only for the first time was i seriously feeling like i could handle it but he finally had a band together and was getting pumped and getting shows booked... we decided he would finish what was booked and do conerstone, then play shows that are close and maybe do some short like 1 or 2 week tours.... we decided that for the future a couple short tours a year would be the perfect compromise where he could still do what he loved but our family would be together and have a steady income.....

although it made so much sense it was really hard to see him sad and see him really let go of something he thought would always be a certain way. it wasnt that he was giving up the dream of music either, which is what was so weird, it was him giving up this idea in his head of music being the 'it' and the idea of full time tour as a lifestyle... it didn't take long for him to stop feeling sad, and he would say how he knew it was right all the time and how he was caught up in what he thought it was supposed to be like that there wasn't room for it to be different.... i felt better, but deep inside i still had that feeling that seemed it had been there since we got married, that i was the one keeping him from his 'calling'.... he was never the one to make me feel that way. he would say that he chose us and our family and that would chose that over and over... but since we had never had a compromise until this it always was either us or music.... at least this time there was a compromise, but i still felt like the thing he was losing was my fault.

then he went on the little 2 week tour they did and when he came home in the middle for a day he told me how hard it was to be away from ara and that he would totally feel like he was missing out on her life if he did tour full time.... that helped me feel a little bit better again....

but the other night is when i finally got my closure and felt peace. he went to a show of his friends downtown and afterwards he came home and said 'that was the first time i went to a show and felt like that is not what i want to do' (tour full time, not playing music) i was shocked. before every time he went to a show he'd say how he missed doing music. this time we just talked for a long time and he just said how he felt like the life he has is perfect our family, a way to make money and music can be for fun... we talked about how when he was younger touring forever seemed great cause he was a single guy, but now he wants our family..... this doesn't make a whole lot of sense... but basically it was the first time i really truly saw that he was at complete peace and he knew deep in his heart that we were in the right place and this was the best possible outcome that could have been, even the guys in the band were telling him how he was so lucky to be in the place he is. when you are married to a musician its like there is another person in your marriage.... i've heard so many people say music is the other woman, and it really is... until the two who are in that marriage can take control of it together and find where it fits into their live together, not where they can fit into music. this has been a 3 year long battle of trying to feel peace and feel like both of us were getting what we needed and what we wanted. it was the single big thing we fought about.... i never wanted to take it away from him, and he never wanted to make me live a life i didn't want.... to know that we have finally overcome this hurdle is a feeling i can't even describe....

and this feeling is something i have felt a lot in our marriage lately, its so full and so rich. i feel like my whole life is so full of love, learning, peace, hope, happiness, forgiveness, understanding.... and nothing in my life is more overflowing with these things than my marriage. i never knew something could be this good... i feel like we have really come to a new grown up place in our marriage, its not that super crazy newlywed romance, trying to get to know what marriage means, fights about stupid stuff and learning who we are together place anymore, not that that phase wasnt necessary and fun at times... now its a warm deep romance thats full of understanding and talking, we know what we have and who we are, we know we can take on anything and talk about anything without fear or fighting, a place where we can rest in knowing that whatever or who ever comes our way, as one, the two of us can take it on and overcome, and be better than before. i'm more in love with my best friend than i ever have been.