I'm writing a mini blog via text. Crazy. My heart feels like it's going to explode because i've had something Ive wanted to write about since before my furiousness and I still haven't sat down to write it. I know some of my writer friends would be like 'it's only been like a day' but you guys know the feeling you have when the words are stuck inside you aching to get out and you just don't have a minute to release them... I know you do. So I'm only writing this to say that I still don't have time... And I'm bursting.

life is good

its crazy how much has changed in a matter of weeks.

i really think now that i had postpartum depression. i think that's the only explanation for how i felt, especially how i felt vs. how i feel now.

here is what we have been up to...


two cute girls always being adorable...















took a trip to cowboy town (which is actually paramount ranch)









and we've been working on getting our house the way we want it, finally





how cute is that baby in the bottom corner?!
we got that table off craigslist and we both just LOVE it.
we got that picture print from urban outfitters, which normally i dont like... but since it was a picture of bikes that look exactly like all the ones seth and i have owned and ridden together over the past 8 years it seemed very appropriate... and it actually makes a big difference. it feels very good to see bikes in our house, a part of us that's always there to look at.

i will write more about the depression and how things have changed later, my mind is still racing at the moment... i'm gonna need to talk it out more before i can write it down :)

furious.

to every single person who has said they dont want gay marriage to be legal because they dont want it taught to their children in school....

i'm horrified.

this has made me so frustrated i can't even express it. for my own reasons this makes me angry, but watching oprah today made me furious.

the two young boys who's mothers talked to oprah today about losing their sons to suicide were bullied, manly because the bullies thought they were gay.

this is the kind of hate that will continue to breed in a hostile environment. the only way to lessen hate is to teach acceptance. when will you closed minded ignorant judges change your ways and learn to let others be? why do you feel so threatened at people being different than you?

i want same sex marriage to be legal for so many reasons, but this is the biggest reason to me... if our children keep learning that marriage is only right one way then we will only continue to breed intolerance and ignorance.

the truth of the matter is, no matter what marriage is to you or me, to some it is a union between two men or two women. this is love to some people, this is their life, this is them... we HAVE to figure out a way to accept that. i dont mean in a 'i love them i just dont love what they do' kind of way... i mean in a real way, in a way where we wholly accept them and allow them to have the rights we feel we deserve. this is not just for them, it is for us as a society, for our future. so that hopefully we can move towards more love and more acceptance and farther away from me being right and you being wrong (and that being all that matters). if you dont teach your children that people can love differently than them and should still have the rights they themselves enjoy, then i truly hope someone else will teach your child that.


(and just so i dont get any arguments with these stances:
yes i think plural marriage should be legal.
within the range of adulthood (whatever age we as a society decide that to be)two consenting adults (or more), i believe, should be allowed to love who they want and be able to express that in the same ways i am allowed to. )

loli

punch my heart

one time, when i was 19, i moved to florida.

i wanted to do hair, i decided to go to the aveda institute. my best friend seth had become friends with a girl named polly while he was on tour. 'you guys are the same, you should be friends.' ...

so i called her. and i loved her.

she lived in florida, there was an aveda institute in florida. i had made my choice. the excitement was unreal, and the heartbreak unbearable. i was dating luke and i couldn't bear the thought of leaving him behind. every day we hung out, every night we had dinner, walked downtown... and we were in love, and we fought all the time. it was spring and the air was clear. i woke up early and walked to work at ahshe everyday. i was happy. i thought i was happy. when i walk past lineas, to this day, it all rushes back into my heart. i can feel the wind blowing over my face, the warm comforting wind, only a person who works downtown can truly know the exact smell that will always be present in spring in san luis obispo. i can smell the coffee and rose in the air. i came to work early every day, so i could be alone. i sat at the back of that salon and i read my bible and i prayed. my specific memories are few... fighting with seth over the phone out front while he was on tour, love by the sundays playing in the backround, luke seeing me for the first time after a long time away and wrapping me up in his arms, a lady yelling at me because she made a mistake and my boss telling her i would never lie... (she is a woman of god!! she argued) i couldn't be at fault, chase asking me to be the lady who sits on top of his piano while he played... if i smell a candle from that place my heart will melt. it will be this way for the rest of my life.

in the months leading up to my move i soaked up every second of this town that i had held so dear. nothing i could ever write would do this world justice. if i told you that the streets smell like gardenias, or the hills glow green in the backround... if i explained each person that has been here for years.. the way they look, smell.. the eyes they make at you when they know.. you have been here. you are a part of this place and it runs deep. the bikes lined up outside of the coffee shop make you know you are safe. you are home. gyspy lady, frenchie, dragonfly, simba... they are travelers and they are crazy, but they are your comfort.

feeling the heat take you over while you consume all the pad thai and yellow curry you can only keeps you wanting... wanting this town... wanting this town to wrap itself around you and soak you up. this is home. there are default destinations and memories of no destination days. there are new people to love and faces you have always known surrounding your every move. the smoke from the barbecues fills the air and as you make your way through all the students... the indie kids.. the hippies... you hear the voice that will yell at you every week. do you want almonds? no, you never do.. but please keep asking.

this place was my home, my entire world. every friend, every smell, every love i possessed inside my soul was this place... and i was going to leave.

luke and i painted his house, we laid in his sisters room and confessed our love again for the millionth time. how could we live apart? i packed my boxes and we cried. i shipped them away, reluctantly. before i could take a breath i was saying goodbye. he wore a brown shirt and i wore my heart on my sleeve. i was leaving, to everything i wanted, and leaving everything i wanted behind. i watched him cry and his face get smaller as the escalator took me up.

i stepped off the plane and i couldn't breath. the air was so thick i thought it was going to kill me, and from that moment i knew where i was.... and it was good.

in this place, i was me.

i was separate from him. the one i loved so dear... he had suffocated me.. i had become his. for the first time, i found me again. it didn't matter what i said because although i would repeat his idiotic claims, my heart was free.... and that was something anyone would notice. florida will always hold a part of my heart. always.

the thunder storms broke me, the rain cleansed me, the people warmed me.

i came home a different person. a woman.

and he broke my heart.

i needed it. i need that time, i needed him to let me go, i needed every moment of that year.

seth and i watched the trailer for garden state every day during that time, maybe even 30 times a day... luke would listen to frou frou on repeat because he could feel when he did.

this video holds so much more feeling, love, hope, life and passion than i could ever express to any of you. this trailer has a permanent residence in this heart of mine.

love.

here noah

side note: while uploading this i saw that the video of nola being born has almost 20,000 views. wild.

win at life

i feel like i have arrived at the purest part of my desire for my life.

i truly honestly want to be a better person.

i feel like there have been guards and motives and walls etc inside me for as long as i can remember and my life was always a battle of breaking out of those, breaking out of my circumstances, breaking out of what i had been taught, trying to break through fear, trying to not be me. for the first time in my life i dont feel like i have any urgency. i dont have to break out of anything to survive. i want to move forward, simply because i want to be better... as long as life goes on i want to become better. i want to love better, understand better, teach better, and always grow. i can see the faults i have and i really want to either change them or use them to the best advantage i can. for the first time there is nothing in my mind that says i cant. i can, i can do anything. my mind has taken over my matter and i do believe that is the secret. my perspective on life has changed over the past three years in dramatic ways, and in the past three weeks as well. its an amazing freedom to know that we have the power to choose what we want for our lives. we can choose love or hate, we can choose freedom or chains, we can choose success or failure, we can choose to be happy or wallow. i choose love, freedom, success, happiness... circumstances do not define who i am or who i will become. i will define my circumstances thank you.

life got very crazy for a bit and maybe longer, but i did hit the bottom i needed so desperately and i think i can really say that for the first time ever i feel such a deep real and pure happiness i can't really describe it. it has nothing to do with anything outside of me and honestly (although i'm sure 30 of you would disagree and tell me how i'll find it in jesus someday ;) i think thats the best possible way for me. my happiness depends on no one but myself and that is the most freeing thing i have ever learned.

im so thankful for life.