i feel better about writing.
thank god... actually thank people who are fucking idiots.
that's what made me not want to write and now its making me want to write.. so... perfect.
i just wanted to write about how im not on facebook anymore and i LOVE it. yes, i still think about 30 times a day 'i should update my status'... SICK.... but at least i dont slash can't actually do it. its nice to feel like my life, is MY life... not a bunch of peoples news feed. also i get tons more shit done. haha
i decided that since i wasn't going to be on facebook, i'm losing friends right and left, and i'm kind of over tv... i needed something to fill my time with.... i dont want to commit to a book because lets face it... I HATE COMMITMENT... but.... magazines? magazines are something i can commit to. (also i started smoking every night ah ah ahhhh).... so... i ordered wired, which is kinda weird... but this is one of my favorite magazines.... i also ordered ready made and time. i'm super excited. i really want an interior design or architecture magazine but since they are so expensive i have to figure out which one i really really love before i decide... any ideas?
anyway, its super good to not be on facebook. my account is only 'deactivated' so at some point i might go back... we'll see... for now, i like being a ghost.
my other project is getting rid of everything in my house... since i'm in the purging phase i'm a crazy woman. my house CANNOT get clean enough and i want every single orifice cleared out, i want total and COMPLETE organization. this can be hard when you have children and are married to an... um... artist... but i will succeed (or i will lose my mind).
hopefully the sun will come back soon and with that dear old friends.... because i'd like to go outside and i like the warmth that both these necessities bring.. but if not i will find a way to be cozy... with my magazines, cigarettes and organized closets.
in the mean time i'm enjoying myself. hanging out alone is the best thing i've ever done actually. i'm gonna soak me up....
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
taking crazy pills...
excuse me but... is anyone watching I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here?
because what the fuck is up with spencer and heidi?
i'm seriously in shock... like all this puking and talking about demons coming out?!!?
i'm just really confused as to what the hell happened here.... oh and one crazy thing, seth recorded spencer talking on his computer while i was watching so he had some talking to replay backwards at the beginning of one of his songs and it was SUPER weird because what spencer was actually saying was that part where he apologizes and talks about how he never has apologized (later he tells in his confession thing that he wasn't actually sorry but that he has duped everyone into thinking he is).. anyway when seth played it back he was saying something about long beach, going to 'her' house, and then he says 'i'm all alone' and this CRAZY sounds happens (which we cant find on the show) and seths song starts... creepy.
anyway i fucking love this... spencer with like the holy spirit on him, puking all over, reading the bible, falling into the water... heidi puking then having jesus dreams... the best.
if you dont watch this, please start. its hilarious.
ooooh religion...
oh and p.s. i'm in love with sanjaya YET AGAIN.
Monday, June 8, 2009
remember that your eyes can be your enemies
someone has, actually some people have, left a hole in my pocket, now i have to try and patch it.
i have been on the verge, the verge of a question mark, the calm bringing me blindly to an end i've been unsure of. slowly ive wanted to be alone, more and more... all of a sudden my life feels like its purging itself all around me.
purging myself of people, of things.
i want to open every closet door, every cupboard, every drawer and toss everything out. i want to make myself a cup of tea and curl up on the couch, in a room full of nothing.
i dont understand why people come into our lives only to leave. why we have seasons of love. some kinds of love shouldn't be taken away. lately there has been too much taken away. ive hit my absolute limit, all my boundaries have been crossed, all my walls blasted down. i've felt small, naked, and alone in a room full of strangers. i used to feel like a breathtaking anomaly being watched by fascinated well wishers.
i dont let go easily, i dont deal well with feeling abandoned, being hurt does not suit me and i dont like change. my life, everyday is woven through and through by change, by abandonment, by the need to let go.
i dont know anymore how to explain the process that i have been going through, it doesn't make sense anymore, every step was making sense. never in my life have i felt the desire to be separated from people. ever. i can't tell if this is good, or defense. i really can't. maybe its both.
my mood now matches the weather, which is dreadful and not helpful in the least no matter how justified it makes me feel in my bitterness, that even the sun wants to hide.
i always move forward, i always grow. as much as i want to hide, deeply completely, this seems to be the one thing i can't leave. writing into an empty echoing room does not bode well for my soul. it goes against the very nature of who i am. at this point thats what i almost feel like my heart is screaming to do, go against me, become un-me.
my season of peace was short, but i'm working for peace again. this peace will be more, stronger, resilient, because this time i know what peace feels like, i know its character and i will embrace it. when i search it out i will cling to it, when it comes walking into my heart i will capture it, when it is only passing by my door i will swing my doors wide and welcome it in.
i can feel myself becoming different. i hope, and believe as i always do, that i am becoming a better me... i will say this time, it really doesn't feel that way. i trust my heart though, i always trust my heart. whatever end is meant, whatever end will be laced in victory that is the end i will find.
my mood is bittersweet, like these clouds, this rain in june. it is sweet to be reminded of the winter, when my babies were born, the smell of cinnamon and peppermint surrounded me and the warmth of life came from inside the walls of my home. it is bitter to live under the darkness of the cloud cover, to feel biting cold striking your features, to exist without the golden glow of the sun on your skin, trapped indoors.
life doesn't get any more numb when you feel as deeply as i do. i dont feel as often as most but when i do, it cuts straight to the core of my soul. sometimes i beg to be numbed, try to suffocate my own nerves, but this is not who i am. i am a feeler, love, happiness, compassion and alongside all of these their painful counterparts. it is good. it is hard, it is frustrating, it is life, hopeful and good. the one thing i can say to my benefit, in the midst of my tidal waves of emotion, feeling so deep gives me the potential to make great moves and great advances out of the conviction that such deep emotions evoke.
this is my attempt to describe where i am, a better more sober description than what i had to give the other day. written outside of anger and frustration. i hope it makes better sense without my tears pouring out between the lines.
i have been on the verge, the verge of a question mark, the calm bringing me blindly to an end i've been unsure of. slowly ive wanted to be alone, more and more... all of a sudden my life feels like its purging itself all around me.
purging myself of people, of things.
i want to open every closet door, every cupboard, every drawer and toss everything out. i want to make myself a cup of tea and curl up on the couch, in a room full of nothing.
i dont understand why people come into our lives only to leave. why we have seasons of love. some kinds of love shouldn't be taken away. lately there has been too much taken away. ive hit my absolute limit, all my boundaries have been crossed, all my walls blasted down. i've felt small, naked, and alone in a room full of strangers. i used to feel like a breathtaking anomaly being watched by fascinated well wishers.
i dont let go easily, i dont deal well with feeling abandoned, being hurt does not suit me and i dont like change. my life, everyday is woven through and through by change, by abandonment, by the need to let go.
i dont know anymore how to explain the process that i have been going through, it doesn't make sense anymore, every step was making sense. never in my life have i felt the desire to be separated from people. ever. i can't tell if this is good, or defense. i really can't. maybe its both.
my mood now matches the weather, which is dreadful and not helpful in the least no matter how justified it makes me feel in my bitterness, that even the sun wants to hide.
i always move forward, i always grow. as much as i want to hide, deeply completely, this seems to be the one thing i can't leave. writing into an empty echoing room does not bode well for my soul. it goes against the very nature of who i am. at this point thats what i almost feel like my heart is screaming to do, go against me, become un-me.
my season of peace was short, but i'm working for peace again. this peace will be more, stronger, resilient, because this time i know what peace feels like, i know its character and i will embrace it. when i search it out i will cling to it, when it comes walking into my heart i will capture it, when it is only passing by my door i will swing my doors wide and welcome it in.
i can feel myself becoming different. i hope, and believe as i always do, that i am becoming a better me... i will say this time, it really doesn't feel that way. i trust my heart though, i always trust my heart. whatever end is meant, whatever end will be laced in victory that is the end i will find.
my mood is bittersweet, like these clouds, this rain in june. it is sweet to be reminded of the winter, when my babies were born, the smell of cinnamon and peppermint surrounded me and the warmth of life came from inside the walls of my home. it is bitter to live under the darkness of the cloud cover, to feel biting cold striking your features, to exist without the golden glow of the sun on your skin, trapped indoors.
life doesn't get any more numb when you feel as deeply as i do. i dont feel as often as most but when i do, it cuts straight to the core of my soul. sometimes i beg to be numbed, try to suffocate my own nerves, but this is not who i am. i am a feeler, love, happiness, compassion and alongside all of these their painful counterparts. it is good. it is hard, it is frustrating, it is life, hopeful and good. the one thing i can say to my benefit, in the midst of my tidal waves of emotion, feeling so deep gives me the potential to make great moves and great advances out of the conviction that such deep emotions evoke.
this is my attempt to describe where i am, a better more sober description than what i had to give the other day. written outside of anger and frustration. i hope it makes better sense without my tears pouring out between the lines.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
it's gonna cost you but you might hurt less
i have had amazing faith in people.
i love people. they are full of life and love, compassion, hope, kindness. left to themselves i have genuinely believed we are good.
i have believed that love is something that is in us, that is natural and gets tainted over time.
i want to keep having faith in people.
but i feel like we are destined to hurt, we are destined to break and destined to being unloving.
the past few months have been a harsh reminder that people will fail you. time and time again i put my faith in people and always, they fail.
what does this mean? if people can't love, if people abandon, if people fail, if people hurt... is this natural or is this corruption? this is the question time and again i have asked myself and just when i start to find peace in my conclusion i get broken again, and i have to question. i have to shut my doors, lock my windows, put up my strong walls and ask endless questions.
friends that know me in real life, i'm sure, will be shocked at this statement but, i am sick of people. i want no one around me. i want to be alone and i want everyone to stop looking. i want to hide in a cave, i want to keep secrets. for the time being I don't want deep relationships. I'm exhausted from the effort, and I'm sick of pain.
i started an anonymous blog that can't be searched.. its the only way i know how to still have an outlet for myself, and also be left alone.
this feeling started as a next step and now i feel like i need to fight, which i hate because i'm sick of fighting. i want to fight against the extreme, i dont want to get bitter, i dont want to lose hope in people, i have to find balance somehow. i always do though, i will.
right now i'm angry, i'm hurt, i'm sad, im disappointed and im questioning again. at the least my mind will no longer be bored.
i dont know when i will write here again, or if i will. ill leave that open.
i love people. they are full of life and love, compassion, hope, kindness. left to themselves i have genuinely believed we are good.
i have believed that love is something that is in us, that is natural and gets tainted over time.
i want to keep having faith in people.
but i feel like we are destined to hurt, we are destined to break and destined to being unloving.
the past few months have been a harsh reminder that people will fail you. time and time again i put my faith in people and always, they fail.
what does this mean? if people can't love, if people abandon, if people fail, if people hurt... is this natural or is this corruption? this is the question time and again i have asked myself and just when i start to find peace in my conclusion i get broken again, and i have to question. i have to shut my doors, lock my windows, put up my strong walls and ask endless questions.
friends that know me in real life, i'm sure, will be shocked at this statement but, i am sick of people. i want no one around me. i want to be alone and i want everyone to stop looking. i want to hide in a cave, i want to keep secrets. for the time being I don't want deep relationships. I'm exhausted from the effort, and I'm sick of pain.
i started an anonymous blog that can't be searched.. its the only way i know how to still have an outlet for myself, and also be left alone.
this feeling started as a next step and now i feel like i need to fight, which i hate because i'm sick of fighting. i want to fight against the extreme, i dont want to get bitter, i dont want to lose hope in people, i have to find balance somehow. i always do though, i will.
right now i'm angry, i'm hurt, i'm sad, im disappointed and im questioning again. at the least my mind will no longer be bored.
i dont know when i will write here again, or if i will. ill leave that open.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
all i needed was booze and tobacco.
i went out on my balcony tonight and smoked a nat sherman.
everything was there, the smoke invading my lungs, the crickets singing loudly, people talking under the summertime moon... everything but the choking depth of humid florida air.
and lindsey.
when i lived in florida i lived with a lovely young lady named lindsey. nothing has been like what we had. she only watched lifetime, she was from tennessee and together we made the best cajun chicken in the world. we made almost daily trips to walmart and we slept in the same bed... we then woke up early together, got gorgeous and drove to the aveda institute in the same car. there is not much i loved more than sitting on the balcony with her while we smoked, with our lifetime movie paused inside. she hated the heat and i adored it. i don't think i will ever love anyone the way i loved her.
as i'm sure i have said, florida will always have a most dear place in my heart. it was there that i first found me again. it was there that i first felt my world crushing, beautiful freedom... freedom i hadn't felt for the past 2 years, or more.
i loved being scared that a hurricane was going to hit your house, putting everything up, taping the windows, staying bunkered down watching endless newscasts until it ended... or driving around in dangerous winds to see the sight of enormous trees that have broken down billboards.
i loved that the highest place in the entire county was a bridge, a very low bridge.
i loved searching for life with polly out by the water. seeing catfish for the first time. i wish i would have soaked polly up.
i am a california girl, through and through. this is my home.
but my lover.. my lover is florida.
everything was there, the smoke invading my lungs, the crickets singing loudly, people talking under the summertime moon... everything but the choking depth of humid florida air.
and lindsey.
when i lived in florida i lived with a lovely young lady named lindsey. nothing has been like what we had. she only watched lifetime, she was from tennessee and together we made the best cajun chicken in the world. we made almost daily trips to walmart and we slept in the same bed... we then woke up early together, got gorgeous and drove to the aveda institute in the same car. there is not much i loved more than sitting on the balcony with her while we smoked, with our lifetime movie paused inside. she hated the heat and i adored it. i don't think i will ever love anyone the way i loved her.
as i'm sure i have said, florida will always have a most dear place in my heart. it was there that i first found me again. it was there that i first felt my world crushing, beautiful freedom... freedom i hadn't felt for the past 2 years, or more.
i loved being scared that a hurricane was going to hit your house, putting everything up, taping the windows, staying bunkered down watching endless newscasts until it ended... or driving around in dangerous winds to see the sight of enormous trees that have broken down billboards.
i loved that the highest place in the entire county was a bridge, a very low bridge.
i loved searching for life with polly out by the water. seeing catfish for the first time. i wish i would have soaked polly up.
i am a california girl, through and through. this is my home.
but my lover.. my lover is florida.
if its from a friend....
its not really stealing right?
maybe it is even more...
either way, i'm doing it.
i really want to hear what my readers think about this... i'm pretty sure our blogs have almost entirely different audiences. can't be certain ;)
there are some specific people i want to hear from and i think you know who you are, dont disappoint me.
maybe it is even more...
either way, i'm doing it.
i really want to hear what my readers think about this... i'm pretty sure our blogs have almost entirely different audiences. can't be certain ;)
there are some specific people i want to hear from and i think you know who you are, dont disappoint me.
Monday, June 1, 2009
over
i dont know what has happened to me.
i think i might be over blogging.
peace is peaceful, but i'm not sure i like it better.
i think i might be over blogging.
peace is peaceful, but i'm not sure i like it better.
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