so many of you will remember my stroller fiasco at target....
today i bought a microwave at target, put the kids in the car, got home went to unload everything and there was no microwave.
i called and the lady on the phone reassured me that i had not lost my mind, she had four kids and hers came back... 'yours will too' she said.
the week we got here seth and i took nola to pick up breakfast while my aunt watched arabella. we got to the bagel place, went inside were there for about 10 minutes while we decided what to get and ordered... then seth said 'we left nola in the car'. good thing he remembered, because i didn't even remember i had kids at that point.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
morning.
this morning they are coming to hook up our internet and cable. life without tv has been great, but i have reached my limit. i will certainly not watch as much as i did.. but i think nursing moms need some tv. so do two year olds who dont have yards. that is something to look forward to... also i'm going to hollywood tonight to have coffee with an old friend, then its just one more day til E! thank God. she had a car scare and thought she might not be able to come, i died a little inside when she told me... luckily shes still coming.
seth's job is really great, a lot less stress and we're going to be able to put money aside before taxes for daycare... so... hopefully ara can go a few days a week and i can not die. (you know its bad when your at best buy looking at the computer nerd whose helping you find a cable thinking 'i would kill to have your job') i just want a job SO bad. you all have no idea. I want to be the one who works... and seth be the stay at home mom... we've talked about if someday we can get this whole songwriting thing working then i will work like 4 or 5 days a week and he can be home with them... that is my dream. and honestly, i'm not saying this to be a martyr i just believe its true, in our situation i really think seth would be better as the stay at home parent... he's A LOT better with kids in general than i am. kids are just not my thing. i know i'm good at doing what i need to do, but i'm not good at playing with her and having fun, plus my patience is at about negative 20. everyone can tell me all day long 'its harder to be a mom and work' but i dont think its harder when staying at home makes you feel like your falling into a dark abyss and your numb all over. i'd rather work and have more to clean up when i get home.
anyway, hopefully that will all work out. thank you to all my friends who wrote me, chatted with me, and called me yesterday... i can't even believe how many people cared about how im feeling and related to what i was saying, it meant a lot to me. the good thing about saying the stuff i say... you know the kind of stuff you feel shitty about and dont want to admit to... is that when you do you find that we're all the same... everyone's just hiding it. its so good to have relationships, human contact, understanding.. a common bond in the fact that we are all just trying to learn how to live. like i said to my friend the other day, people need people, and i know i do desperately. its so good to know i have so many good ones around me.
life is weird because the whole point is just to live... but its like we have to learn how to do that and benefit from how we do it. we have to decide where we want to focus our energy and decide what kind of people we want to be, which means we have to think... i've heard that i think too much and sometimes i um.. think.. i do... but then i realize that if i want to be the kind of person who challenges others and themselves, who lives a rich life full of love and meaning... i have to think. its hard, but very good and it teaches me soooo much.
seth's job is really great, a lot less stress and we're going to be able to put money aside before taxes for daycare... so... hopefully ara can go a few days a week and i can not die. (you know its bad when your at best buy looking at the computer nerd whose helping you find a cable thinking 'i would kill to have your job') i just want a job SO bad. you all have no idea. I want to be the one who works... and seth be the stay at home mom... we've talked about if someday we can get this whole songwriting thing working then i will work like 4 or 5 days a week and he can be home with them... that is my dream. and honestly, i'm not saying this to be a martyr i just believe its true, in our situation i really think seth would be better as the stay at home parent... he's A LOT better with kids in general than i am. kids are just not my thing. i know i'm good at doing what i need to do, but i'm not good at playing with her and having fun, plus my patience is at about negative 20. everyone can tell me all day long 'its harder to be a mom and work' but i dont think its harder when staying at home makes you feel like your falling into a dark abyss and your numb all over. i'd rather work and have more to clean up when i get home.
anyway, hopefully that will all work out. thank you to all my friends who wrote me, chatted with me, and called me yesterday... i can't even believe how many people cared about how im feeling and related to what i was saying, it meant a lot to me. the good thing about saying the stuff i say... you know the kind of stuff you feel shitty about and dont want to admit to... is that when you do you find that we're all the same... everyone's just hiding it. its so good to have relationships, human contact, understanding.. a common bond in the fact that we are all just trying to learn how to live. like i said to my friend the other day, people need people, and i know i do desperately. its so good to know i have so many good ones around me.
life is weird because the whole point is just to live... but its like we have to learn how to do that and benefit from how we do it. we have to decide where we want to focus our energy and decide what kind of people we want to be, which means we have to think... i've heard that i think too much and sometimes i um.. think.. i do... but then i realize that if i want to be the kind of person who challenges others and themselves, who lives a rich life full of love and meaning... i have to think. its hard, but very good and it teaches me soooo much.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
my head is crazy place to live.
i dont know whats up with me right now, but inside my head is definitely a place NONE of you would want to be right now. i dont even want to be in it... but alas, i have no choice.
i dont really know how to explain whats inside me.. but i know the shortcomings that where i am lead me to. .. they lead me to be a woman who feels stuck. i love my husband, i love my children... but no matter how much i love them it doesn't make me feel less trapped, because its that love that traps me. maybe its just because i did all there was to do too young. i'm sure that's it. if i had waited a few years, lived my young life i dont know that i would feel trapped. maybe i still would. maybe its because my view of love has been COMPLETELY jacked up my whole life. maybe its because i watched my mother crave love from a man, and the perfect little family it makes me want the opposite.. even though i know in the end this is the life i want.
marriage is really hard to understand. i always feel like our marriage is the best... because we communicate about everything and somehow understand each other, allow each other to be ourselves, have grace for each others shortcomings.... but even with all that foundation laid nothing is perfect and there is still doubt or fear or insecurity etc etc on each side at different points.
i analyze everything WAY too much, i know. but i can't not. so im back in a place i've been before and i just have to live and think and try to love and hope that i get out of here. i thought that getting out of atascadero would change my caged in self... but it didn't. there are things that i think will change it, but how can i know until i try, i tried leaving atascadero and it didn't change. only time will tell.
i wish i would have been the woman having arabella made me before i even got married.
i wish i would have let myself have my own time in my life.
i wish i could change how i feel now.
i wish i could love my family the way i should.
i'm starting to feel like i should stop writing on this blog and start an anonymous one, because i feel like there's starting to always be soooo much more i want to say but i'm having to be less and less honest knowing who reads this. stressful.
this blog is not even a quarter of what has been strangling my brain lately.
and i feel like a sick person. i want to crawl into my bed and curl in a ball and feel black all around me, just so i can have some peace of mind. my heart is aching, like it does so much and i wish i could just let it. i wish i had the time to actually feel what i feel.
to be honest i've felt alone since i realized i'm not a christian. i dont think that means i should be one, but i dont know where to find that peace again.
i just dont want to feel alone all the time.
i dont really know how to explain whats inside me.. but i know the shortcomings that where i am lead me to. .. they lead me to be a woman who feels stuck. i love my husband, i love my children... but no matter how much i love them it doesn't make me feel less trapped, because its that love that traps me. maybe its just because i did all there was to do too young. i'm sure that's it. if i had waited a few years, lived my young life i dont know that i would feel trapped. maybe i still would. maybe its because my view of love has been COMPLETELY jacked up my whole life. maybe its because i watched my mother crave love from a man, and the perfect little family it makes me want the opposite.. even though i know in the end this is the life i want.
marriage is really hard to understand. i always feel like our marriage is the best... because we communicate about everything and somehow understand each other, allow each other to be ourselves, have grace for each others shortcomings.... but even with all that foundation laid nothing is perfect and there is still doubt or fear or insecurity etc etc on each side at different points.
i analyze everything WAY too much, i know. but i can't not. so im back in a place i've been before and i just have to live and think and try to love and hope that i get out of here. i thought that getting out of atascadero would change my caged in self... but it didn't. there are things that i think will change it, but how can i know until i try, i tried leaving atascadero and it didn't change. only time will tell.
i wish i would have been the woman having arabella made me before i even got married.
i wish i would have let myself have my own time in my life.
i wish i could change how i feel now.
i wish i could love my family the way i should.
i'm starting to feel like i should stop writing on this blog and start an anonymous one, because i feel like there's starting to always be soooo much more i want to say but i'm having to be less and less honest knowing who reads this. stressful.
this blog is not even a quarter of what has been strangling my brain lately.
and i feel like a sick person. i want to crawl into my bed and curl in a ball and feel black all around me, just so i can have some peace of mind. my heart is aching, like it does so much and i wish i could just let it. i wish i had the time to actually feel what i feel.
to be honest i've felt alone since i realized i'm not a christian. i dont think that means i should be one, but i dont know where to find that peace again.
i just dont want to feel alone all the time.
Monday, February 2, 2009
you're the storm.
i've listened to this song about 30 times today. ok not really, but a lot.
it is THE most romantic song i have EVER heard. i'm in love with it.
please listen to it.
you're the storm by the cardigans.
oh it's healing - bang bang bang
i can hear your cannons call
you've been aiming at my land
your hungry hammer is falling
and if you want me I'm your country
I'm an angel bored like hell
and you're a devil meaning well
you steal my lines and you strike me dumb
come raise your flag upon me
and if you want me I'm your country
if you win me I'm forever - oh yeah!
'cause you're the storm that I've been needing
and all this peace has been deceiving
I like the sweet life and the silence
but it's the storm that I believe in
come and conquer and drop your bombs
cross my borders and kill the calm
bear your fangs and burn my wings
I hear bullets singing
and if you want me I'm your country
if you win me I'm forever - oh yeah!
'cause you're the storm that I've been needing
and all this peace has been deceiving
I need some wind to get me sailing
so it's the storm that I believe in
you fill my heart, you keep me breathing
'cause you're the storm that I believe in
and if you want me I'm your country
it is THE most romantic song i have EVER heard. i'm in love with it.
please listen to it.
you're the storm by the cardigans.
oh it's healing - bang bang bang
i can hear your cannons call
you've been aiming at my land
your hungry hammer is falling
and if you want me I'm your country
I'm an angel bored like hell
and you're a devil meaning well
you steal my lines and you strike me dumb
come raise your flag upon me
and if you want me I'm your country
if you win me I'm forever - oh yeah!
'cause you're the storm that I've been needing
and all this peace has been deceiving
I like the sweet life and the silence
but it's the storm that I believe in
come and conquer and drop your bombs
cross my borders and kill the calm
bear your fangs and burn my wings
I hear bullets singing
and if you want me I'm your country
if you win me I'm forever - oh yeah!
'cause you're the storm that I've been needing
and all this peace has been deceiving
I need some wind to get me sailing
so it's the storm that I believe in
you fill my heart, you keep me breathing
'cause you're the storm that I believe in
and if you want me I'm your country
i know i said it would happen later but... i lied.
we went from life in boxes...
to simpler times....
its super nice to have my OWN closet... with tons of space...
our room still needs a wall hanging and some lamps... also the bed wasn't fully made when i took these.. but you get the idea. its HUGE compared to our old room. insane.
our lil kitchen.. its smaller than our old one if you can believe it, but somehow has WAYYYY more counter space, even with our coffee machine out. weird.
the girls room. i love that their closet already had shelves and stuff... and the other side is just as nice, but its all nolas stuff.
i also love their cute lil beds together!
the couch we got on craigslist.
and our glorious living room. there's still much to be done here... like get some accessories and hang the mirror and tv... i'll post when we do those things...
the fam in our new home!
and mine and ara's little photo sesh, i took pictures of her then she took pictures of me (yes, i helped her).
everything is so great... besides me and seth catching the argue bug all is well... i never tell anyone this but for the past 3 years, yes, 3 freaking years i have slept with the tv on... which is SUPER annoying for seth.. its because of my anxiety. this past year i have let go of my anxiety but had yet to let go of my security blanket of nighttime tv taking care of me while i slept... well we haven't had a tv in our room, we left it in atascadero (HUGE step for me) and i dont need it!! i sleep like a baby ( a baby who sleep through the night)... and our cable doesn't get hooked up til next sunday but we have both been THOROUGHLY enjoying not even having a television.... its like i'm a whole new woman here!
to simpler times....
its super nice to have my OWN closet... with tons of space...
our room still needs a wall hanging and some lamps... also the bed wasn't fully made when i took these.. but you get the idea. its HUGE compared to our old room. insane.
our lil kitchen.. its smaller than our old one if you can believe it, but somehow has WAYYYY more counter space, even with our coffee machine out. weird.
the girls room. i love that their closet already had shelves and stuff... and the other side is just as nice, but its all nolas stuff.
i also love their cute lil beds together!
the couch we got on craigslist.
and our glorious living room. there's still much to be done here... like get some accessories and hang the mirror and tv... i'll post when we do those things...
the fam in our new home!
and mine and ara's little photo sesh, i took pictures of her then she took pictures of me (yes, i helped her).
everything is so great... besides me and seth catching the argue bug all is well... i never tell anyone this but for the past 3 years, yes, 3 freaking years i have slept with the tv on... which is SUPER annoying for seth.. its because of my anxiety. this past year i have let go of my anxiety but had yet to let go of my security blanket of nighttime tv taking care of me while i slept... well we haven't had a tv in our room, we left it in atascadero (HUGE step for me) and i dont need it!! i sleep like a baby ( a baby who sleep through the night)... and our cable doesn't get hooked up til next sunday but we have both been THOROUGHLY enjoying not even having a television.... its like i'm a whole new woman here!
so here we are.
so.. sorry i haven't said anything since we got here... i've taken some pictures of our house and once everything is done i will post... a select few have received some phone pics ;) its so nice i LOVE it. it was a rocky start... one thing that seth and i argue about, which really we dont argue (like real arguments) about much, but we argue about how to decorate our house... its happened before and it happened again, so we got a slow start and it was a little intense, but now its good... and the girls room is done, the kitchen and living room are done and our room is pretty much done... all we need to really unpack is our bathroom and we need to get a few things, like lamps because we dont have a light in our room at the moment and another shower curtain since we now have TWO bathrooms.
arabella has been sleeping WAY better since we got here and so has nola (even though she was already a good sleeper, lil precious) nola has taken her naps in her crib today and in the next few days i'm going to start putting her to bed in there! woooo hooo it will be SO nice to have our room ALL to ourselves once and for all! we DO NOT like sharing our room with tiny people (yes, that's means dwarfs too).
KNOCK ON WOOD EVERYONE
it is heaven being close to some old friends.... ryan came and hung out with me and the girls today and i'm just soooo happy, he just kept saying how happy he was too... he's just a quality quality friend and its so nice to have him back in my life and not just over the phone. and i have a few other friends i've gotten in contact with and will be hanging out with soon... can't wait!!!!
anyway everything is really really great and i will post more about it as we get the house all situated. i miss everyone at home but i can't wait til you come to visit us and see our new place! it will be great. distance makes the heart grow fonder.
arabella has been sleeping WAY better since we got here and so has nola (even though she was already a good sleeper, lil precious) nola has taken her naps in her crib today and in the next few days i'm going to start putting her to bed in there! woooo hooo it will be SO nice to have our room ALL to ourselves once and for all! we DO NOT like sharing our room with tiny people (yes, that's means dwarfs too).
KNOCK ON WOOD EVERYONE
it is heaven being close to some old friends.... ryan came and hung out with me and the girls today and i'm just soooo happy, he just kept saying how happy he was too... he's just a quality quality friend and its so nice to have him back in my life and not just over the phone. and i have a few other friends i've gotten in contact with and will be hanging out with soon... can't wait!!!!
anyway everything is really really great and i will post more about it as we get the house all situated. i miss everyone at home but i can't wait til you come to visit us and see our new place! it will be great. distance makes the heart grow fonder.
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