um... are you joking me?

really arabella, are you? cause you're insanely cute.

today arabella was eating her lunch... she burped up some tofu, swallowed it again then said 'oh, i eat my breath! that's serious.'

and when she eats things lately she makes shapes out of them.. like yesterday she bit a cracker held it up in front of her and said 'E!' and then today she did it to a chip but said 'tutu, like my tutu'

then when we got home from grocery shopping today she came in the kitchen with me, started unloading the beans and putting them in the right cupboard! she was sooo cute doing it, super serious. she unloaded a whole bag for me, without any help . what a big girl.


its too much.

when we get to get out of the house life is only about 5 millions times better because LITERALLY when we stay home she runs around the house like a mad man yelling at the top of her lungs. ask erin. she saw it in action today.

depression session- as E put it.

erin used the phrase 'depression session' the other day and i like it. it fits me that's for sure.

i hate complaining about my life, because i know how lucky or blessed i am.


but that doesn't make me able to change how i feel. i'm depressed. i have been for a while and i have my happy times or moments... but i just need to get out of the house soooooo bad. its wearing on me.. i've just been thinking about how much i want to work and i was talking to one of my friends today about how women are always one upping each other on how what they do is sooo much harder than what the other does... and i just think its sooo silly how working mothers act like that's so much harder than the job stay at home moms do, and stay at home moms feel like what they do is so much harder than moms who work.... i think what's 'harder' just depends on who you are, and really can't be compared. its harder for me to be a stay at home mom, because its not what makes me happy and i feel stressed and alone this way. its harder for people i know to work because its not what they want and they miss their children... so either way it all just depends on what you want and what makes you happy.

its hard to feel like all i want is to get a job and spend time away and have NO way to really do that. nola is just too young and as much as i want that i'm not willing to forfeit the beginnings of her life to benefit myself. if its not necessary. but its still hard for me.

something that does make me feel a little better lately is seth. he watched arabella and nola last saturday with a friend and ever since he's been blown away. he thought that was the craziest two hours ever and has been telling me ever since how much he appreciates what i do and how he could never do it. (i think he could) he says how if kevin hadn't been there he would have lost it.. anyway something i never thought would come out of anyone's mouth ever came out of seths tonight when he said that he thought i had more patience than him!!! he said that he never thought that til he spent that day with them and he realized that if he could get frustrated in that short amount of time, that its amazing that it takes me weeks before i start losing it. he's always been appreciative of me, but its different now and it means sooo much to me. it encourages me so much to hear how much he believes in me and how amazing he thinks i am for doing the things i do everyday. its getting harder and harder for me everyday to stay at home and take care of them... i dont know what we're going to do in the near future about this or how it will work but at least for now i have someone who loves me, supports me and lavishes compliments on me for now to keep me going. he must be the best.

i have to say two things.

one) i went to the gym. next to our gym there is a mortuary. i sat next to the pool after i ran and while sitting there i noticed i could see the mortuary from the pool... and a odd looking chimney stack on top... with smoke coming out. stressful.

two)what i was thinking about before i got interrupted by noticing the smoke stack...

i'm sick of everyone getting offended at me saying epidurals are riskier when giving birth. its true and it doesn't bother me that people get them, i dont like them, but i dont care if someone gets it. what bothers me is people getting them without getting info about them before, and people acting like they're perfectly safe and not risky. so stop getting defensive. i feel like if someone said 'yea, i knew they were riskier and i didn't want to feel the pain, so i just made that choice' i would totally respect that and LOVE it. hearing people try and defend them just sounds silly. if i wanted to get one i would, but i wouldn't pretend it wasn't riskier and i wouldn't pretend that i did it for any other reason except that i didn't want to feel that pain.

glad i got that off my chest.

*****UPDATED ****how creepy am i?

i had a dream last night that i had an affair... with seth.

like i left seth for seth. the 'other' seth had a different name, but everything about him was the same as seth except for how he kissed, and that's why i stopped seeing him and wanted my real seth back. also in the dream i was at some party and our cousin andy was telling us how he used to win swing dance competitions and he was laying on the floor in front of a lady who was dancing (who i'm pretty sure was our friend camerons sister) with his hands under his chin kicking his legs. if you know andy.. you love this.

also way before i had this dream we had put nola in her swing before we went to bed and she was still sleeping when we got in bed... she woke up a little while later, but right before she did her swing opened on its own... the part that snaps across her lifted up. then seth went and got her. it scared the SHIT out of me. the whole night i was convinced there was a ghost in our room that opened her swing and i could barely sleep.

*i forgot to say that in that same dream i also dreamed that LUKE was babysitting ara, and said seth and i were the best friends he's ever had !!! hahahha yea right. its cause we just ran into him.

anyway also tonight at dinner i was explaining to seth why i thought there was a ghost in our room and i'm pretty sure he thinks there was one in there too now. he didn't realize that i actually SAW with my own two eyes the swing open on its own. (and no, its not spring loaded in ANY way.)

have i posted this before? i just took again...

and i'm pretty sure i got the same thing. its just SO hilarious how its EXACT... and it just feels really nice to be understood.. i think this test understands me better than anyone.


ENTJ
Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging

ENTJs often excel in business. They are assertive, outspoken, confident, outgoing, energetic, charismatic, fair-minded, and unaffected by conflict or criticism. However, other traits may lessen the impact of their strengths. They may appear argumentative, confrontational, insensitive, intimidating, and controlling. They can overwhelm others with their energy, intelligence, and desire to order the world around them. ENTJs tend to cultivate their personal power, and often end up taking charge of a situation that seems (to their mind, at least) to be out of control. Also, ENTJs seek knowledge, striving to learn new things, which helps them become good problem-solvers. They may be viewed by others as aloof and cold-hearted, since ENTJs appear to take a tough approach to emotional or personal issues. In situations requiring feeling and value judgments, ENTJs are well served to seek the advice of a trusted Feeling type.

arabella quotes.

two good quotes.


last night in the car
'papa! i need you soooo bad!'


this morning when she woke up
'i can't go night night. too many animals in my room that i like.... cow, giraff, pig, toothpaste, fire truck, doggie, kitty....'

job.

i had a dream last night that i went to this company that made these scenes for movies... i dont know how to describe it, because i'm pretty sure it doesn't exist in real life... but they were these intricate paintings but when you put them up to a lense of a camera they turned into the exact scene you wanted. they were a company that had been around for years so they had some really famous scenes and the way they made them were insane. so anyway i went to the company because my friend worked there and then i started helping her before she had to leave that day... and at the end of the day the boss came up and offered me a job. i was ecstatic. i started working there and it was amazing. my whole dream was my life as if i had this amazing full time job... and it was something i loved doing. then i woke up. i feel so sad that it was a dream, because it felt so real. i can't wait to move/for nola to get a little bigger so i can work. i just can't wait.