theif.

i stole this from bryan's blog....



but i just LOVED it... i love love loved deepak chopra and totally agree with everything he said... i'm going to the library to pick up some books of his today.

please watch when you have time and watch all 10 parts.

anything we can do

asians can do better.

this weekend my aunt laura took me to Olympic Spa in korea town.

before we got our treatments we soaked in the tubs and went in the saunas.
then laid on the heated floor until it was time for our treatments.

i got the:

Goddess
Our Signature Darphin® Body Treatment

The ultimate moisturizing experience. We start with a full body Korean Scrub to exfoliate the skin, followed by an aromatic seaweed body shampoo. Now relax and enjoy a wonderful Darphin Aromatherapy Massage to melt all those knots away. A rejuvenating essential oil scalp massage will instantly lift your spirits. It doesn't end here, your face is then massaged with toxin releasing strokes and a purifying facial mask is applied to refresh and tighten the pores. After an aromatherapy hair shampoo and rinse, a luxurious body emulsion is soothingly applied to hydrate and moisturize. This treatment is exclusive to us and not available anywhere else.

when they do the scrub, they DO the scrub... i mean they scrubbed me in places i didn't even know needed to be scrubbed.
it was soooo amazing to be touched in a non-sexual non-'mommmmmmy hold me!!!' way... it was amazing to be touched in places i'm never touched.

i felt like... well.. a goddess when i was done, and my skin insanely smooth.

at korean spa's everyone is naked and let me tell you, it was the most liberating wonderful thing since childbirth. i dont know if as i get older i'm getting more feminist or more lesbian... i think feminist ;)
haha

but seriously just seeing all different shapes and sizes of women... i loved seeing all the different boobs, butts... who shaved, who didn't. i probably sound totally creepy, but its just not a sexual thing... its so interesting to see that many different women. women are beautiful, we are so amazing, so strong. i've been a fan of women in the sense that we are strong, we are fierce, we love deeply and truly, we fight hard, and we are sensitive and peaceful, sweet and meek... and now i have a new found awe for our bodies, they really are gorgeous... every shape, every kind. the older korean women sat by a long trough with running water and scrubbed each other and rinsed with bowls. it was so sweet the way they scrubbed each other.... i felt the same way watching them that i felt when i had a midwife taking care of me.

the best part about the whole thing, is that its wild cheap.

i will be returning once a month for a body scrub and to go in the tubs for SURE.
only $25!?!??! insanely worth it.


i could definitely spend a whole day there easy... but half a day was just what i needed....

oprah.

did anyone watch wednesdays oprah?

i'm just watching it now....

the sexual spectrum!?!?! how long have i been saying this people?!!

i'm so happy.


heres the scale.... for those in question.

fear&love

in my life, they have always come hand in hand.

when the foundation of your life changes, nothing is left unsettled.

i haven't said a lot (for me) lately, i've probably been blogging as much as a normal blogger... but i've felt like i've been hiding... hiding things i've been too afraid to say and yesterday, i hit the end. i can't hide... for me hiding is when i'm lying, but lying for me is just not telling everyone everything. being transparent is what keeps me alive and when i'm not i feel like i'm alone and i'm going to break. when i ran yesterday i ran faster than i ever have for a half an hour straight, i was sweating and bright red.. i closed my eyes and just imagined myself in the middle of nowhere running away. i came home and talked.

life has been filled with fear lately...

i'm afraid of failing, i'm afraid of both of us failing.
i'm afraid if i fail then my children will be hurt.
i'm afraid people will stop loving me if i fail.
i'm afraid of our kids spending time at two houses.
i'm afriad seth will hate me.
i'm afriad of losing myself.
i'm terrified of being like my mother.
i'm afraid i can't love enough.
i'm afraid i will never be good enough for him.
i'm afraid of being unhappily married forever.
i'm afraid of making a choice i will regret.
i'm afraid that i can't be what he needs.
i'm afraid of what i feel.

i'm hopeful that as we work towards fixing this, that it will actually be fixed.
i'm hopeful that the things i feel will somehow change through working hard.

my fears are many and my hope little, but i believe hope is stronger and i am here...
for now, i am here.

i will try and i will work until there's nothing left or it all makes sense.

for the very first time in my life

and very suddenly i feel like i want to be alone.

completely and utterly alone.

like floating in the middle of an ocean that's warm from the sun...

arabella quotes

ara: 'what's miles' papa doin?'
me: 'he's workin'
ara: 'whats he doin for workin?'
me: 'he does construction, which is like building buildings and houses and stuff'
ara: 'oh, i should do that'


ara wakes up to go poop EVERY night around 4am.
the other night she was sitting on the toilet balling.

me: 'hunny what's wrong?'
ara: 'i dont wanna go potty on this potty!!!'
me: 'well where do you want to go potty?'
ara: 'i wanna go potty at twabis' house!!!!'

then today we went to a public bathroom and there was still pee in the toilet.

ara: 'who's pee is that?'
me: 'i have no idea'
ara: 'pwobably twabis'


what the hell? for some reason she has an obsession with associating travis with toilets... could this be why? she just knows.

today when i was putting her in the car.

ara: 'mama, you're boops' (this means boobs. mind you i was fully clothed.)
me: 'yea, what about them?'
ara: 'they're yucky'

thanks babe. they only kept you alive for your first year of being.

today driving to eat.

ara: 'mama... nola is nervous. shes nervous mama.'

the other day playing in my room then out of nowhere she yells.

ara: 'mama! gotta make a card! i gotta make a card for auntie mackie.... and brook and simon!!'


she drew on cards for them and told me to write happy birthday to all of them and that she loves them.

a few days ago she looked at my teeth.

ara: 'mama, you look like oprah, you have clean teeth... high five!'

i dont think i posted this.. but its one of my favorites... when we stayed at brook and simons house i came out into the living room in the morning, she points at me and with strong conviction says...

ara: 'YOU are NOT lane'

something you might not guess about me.

i love audioslave and i actually have a favorite guitarist, tom morello. which is weird because i'm not a big fan of music. haha...

anyway... audioslave is the BEST band i've seen live. ever.

i love everything about tom morello, from the way he plays to his stage presence to his outfit and silly hat. the only reason i'm writing about this is because my friend jeremy sent me a picture of tom morello's autograph he saw in hollywood while eating, which just reminded me how much i adore him.

and speaking of music i actually have songs i'm really into right now.. not albums, because i dont roll that way....

but i LOVE that sex is on fire song by kings of leon... even though i feel they jacked lanos style....

and i'm obsessed with this song that my erin l. posted on her blog recently, so i'm stealing it and posting it here... because i listen to it hundreds of times a day.

weird blog. i know.