Thursday, July 17, 2008

this is a biggie... so dont feel uncomfortable about it.

cause i warned you.


so i think everyone pretty much knows about my totally irrational fear of throw up. i've had it for a very very very long time and its not just like, i get scared when people throw up, its like i feel desperately lonely just knowing that someone i know threw up. i can't sleep all night and usually i get anxiety so bad i just poop like every 15 minutes haaa sick. whenever seth says he feels sick i drop in my heart so low i dont even know what to do with myself. i want to just care for him, but i'm so lonely and afraid and full of anxiety i can't even take care of him. anyway i've wondered my whole life why this affected me so much... and no one i have ever known has really truly understood how deep it is.. except maybe flo cause she has had other things like that....

for some reason i finally remembered why i thought i felt this way, then i asked my mom if that was the way she remembered it and she thought so.....

the night i got molested i had stayed in someone else's room as this house we lived at, after it happened, naturally i wanted to go sleep with my mom... so i went to her room and she took me to the bathroom then we went to bed, i awoke abruptly a while later to her running to the bathroom... i ran after her only to find her throwing up in the toilet... i even remember what it looked like.

this would explain not only why i get anxiety when people throw up, but why it affects me so much more at night and why i feel so lonely. because when i needed my mom to comfort me, she couldn't, it wasn't her fault, but she couldn't. so i guess now when someone throws up, especially seth, who is now in that caring position i feel like i have nothing to hold me up and i feel alone and scared.

i can remember throwing up 2 times before that age and i can remember seeing my step sister throw up before that age but when i remember those there's no anxiety and i dont remember feeling afraid, i just thought it was weird.... every memory where i threw up or someone else did after that experience i remember that feeling.

so now i know where it comes from, but how do i fix that place?

sorry to be so deep. i'm writing this on here because hopefully it can help someone else who has deep fears, or who was molested... and hopefully getting it out will help me... hopefully someone will have something to say to me that will change something. we will see.

how honest can i possibly be? gosh.

8 comments:

meg said...

I love you.

Sarah Lam said...

i love your honesty. love it.

i never knew you were molested, and that's a huge thing to carry with you. i'm so sorry. i'm sorry that it happened to you, and i'm sorry for the pain it must have caused, and i'm sorry for the fears you have that are connected with it.

but i love that you're willing to talk about it, and i love that you're willing to go deep. you can help soooo many people who have gone through similar stuff.

k, so i have no answers to that question. identifying the root cause of a fear is one thing, but i have absolutely no idea how to fix it. a lot of my fears are rooted in my desire for control. i'm so scared of getting sick because then i don't feel in control of my body. so i'm a germophobe and slightly ocd about it. i'm afraid of driving [[still!]] because i don't have control of the other drivers on the road. i hate making lane changes because my friend was in a really bad accident while she tried to switch lanes. ack there's a lot of irrational fears i have haha. i know why i'm afraid of them, but i still can't overcome them. Same with some of my deeper fears, like physical touch and intimacy. i can do some hugs, but i hate it when people put their arm around me, or just rub my back or put a hand on my leg. i think it's probably because i've never felt worthy of love, hah, so i have a hard time accepting loving gestures. but i have no idea how to fix it. and i know it's not the exact same thing as what you're talking about but this is the closest i can come to relating to you. and i'm not sure where this comment is going, so i'm gonna stop now, lol. but i guess what i'm trying to say is, i get what you're saying. and if you figure out how to fix it, let me know. =]

stinamarie said...

it's good you were able to relate your situation with being molested and the beginning of throw-up-anxiety. i've been molested too [but as a teenager] and had one session with a therapist last winter...i don't know if you'd even be open to that, but that one session made a HUGE difference with me and taught me how to cope with and even start to change all those feelings once i've identified where it's all coming from, like with how you identified yours...i was really surprised how much of a difference it made, and i know it's different for everyone. the therapist told me for some people it gets way worse before it gets better, so i'm thankful mine got so much better right away...we did a session of EMDR, if you care to look into it...[it was someone who came down to jamaica while i was there to do therapy sessions with the kids that came from severe abuse situations...]

Patti Jo said...

Skylana, I never knew this happened to you! How old were you? Did I know you then? Well it doesn't matter. I am so sorry it happened. As I redd your blog I started to pray for the right works to say to you... But all I could come up with is what I might do in your situation. I would accept what had happened in my mind and go back to that place go back to that night. Even though I know it won't be the same and think in your head that if your Mom knew what had happened to you she WOULD have comforted you. Any Mother would. The devil wants you to live in fear. He wants you to never feel that safety. And as far as feeling alone. . . right at that moment when someone throws up, you have to remind yourself you are not alone! You are in a habbit of thinking that way when Seth throws up or anyone for that matter. You will just have to remind yourself to STOP! And say something like, I am not alone! That was then. This is now. I am Strong. If you keep doing what you've always done, you will get what you have always gotten. With God's grace I hope this helps. :)

skylana said...

patti jo.... i'm not sure who you are... i dont remember knowing someone with the name patti jo, and i tried to see your profile but there's nothing on it... so.... who are you? sorry....

zaiahbird said...

oh my gosh. i have the same fear of throw up too!!!! like really bad. i don't really know why. but i know exactly how you feel. now that i have 3 kids i have no choice but to deal with it but i get the same pooping anxiety like you do. crazy.

Patti Jo said...

I went to grade school with you. I don't quite remember what grade, but It was at Valley Elementry!!! Do you remember Owen, Kit, Nicki, Natalie.... I don't know if you do. I remembered your name we I was searching for friends on Myspace and who can forget a name like Skylana. I alway thought you were beautiful and I knew it was you when I saw that smile. Was it fourth grade maybe? ....

skylana said...

patti jo- i dont remember ever going to a school called valley elementary... where was it?