cause i warned you.
so i think everyone pretty much knows about my totally irrational fear of throw up. i've had it for a very very very long time and its not just like, i get scared when people throw up, its like i feel desperately lonely just knowing that someone i know threw up. i can't sleep all night and usually i get anxiety so bad i just poop like every 15 minutes haaa sick. whenever seth says he feels sick i drop in my heart so low i dont even know what to do with myself. i want to just care for him, but i'm so lonely and afraid and full of anxiety i can't even take care of him. anyway i've wondered my whole life why this affected me so much... and no one i have ever known has really truly understood how deep it is.. except maybe flo cause she has had other things like that....
for some reason i finally remembered why i thought i felt this way, then i asked my mom if that was the way she remembered it and she thought so.....
the night i got molested i had stayed in someone else's room as this house we lived at, after it happened, naturally i wanted to go sleep with my mom... so i went to her room and she took me to the bathroom then we went to bed, i awoke abruptly a while later to her running to the bathroom... i ran after her only to find her throwing up in the toilet... i even remember what it looked like.
this would explain not only why i get anxiety when people throw up, but why it affects me so much more at night and why i feel so lonely. because when i needed my mom to comfort me, she couldn't, it wasn't her fault, but she couldn't. so i guess now when someone throws up, especially seth, who is now in that caring position i feel like i have nothing to hold me up and i feel alone and scared.
i can remember throwing up 2 times before that age and i can remember seeing my step sister throw up before that age but when i remember those there's no anxiety and i dont remember feeling afraid, i just thought it was weird.... every memory where i threw up or someone else did after that experience i remember that feeling.
so now i know where it comes from, but how do i fix that place?
sorry to be so deep. i'm writing this on here because hopefully it can help someone else who has deep fears, or who was molested... and hopefully getting it out will help me... hopefully someone will have something to say to me that will change something. we will see.
how honest can i possibly be? gosh.