Friday, July 31, 2009

so hilar.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Born Identity
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorJoke of the Day

vid sesh.

poor nola. always getting ignored.

school. she makes up weird names for her friends.

we dance a lot here. this is one of our less enthusiastic sessions... but i love when she wants to dance with me with our babies.... matching.

ara just came out of her room after we put her to bed and she said she wanted seth to put her in bed but i said no, that i would... and her response was
'but mama is cold! mama is SO cold!'
so even my 2 year old knows my heart is made of stone? great.. haha.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

straight trippin

ok, this is going to be a lot of awkward pictures of myself, taken by myself and a few of other people i love....

getting my first taste of freedom as i leave my driveway... i'm seriously the biggest dork.

this is just when jesus came back on my way through santa barbara.

when i got into san luis on thursday night i went to a friends show at downtown brew. flo, deborah, elissa, and her friend came with me. there was MUCH hardcore dancing... (not by us)... although we loved it.

how sweaty and dirty do i already look at this point!? ahaha

friday morning i went to erin's baby shower, it was GORGEOUS. i dont think flo and i combined could have made it as beautiful as the lovely ladies who put it on for our sweet friend.

friday night i went to dinner at windows on the water to see my cute little sister work as a mini chef! my aunt laura took me out and got me good wine and delicious food. perfect.

saturday i went downtown, tried to write, and started reading The reader instead. then i went to thai food for lunch all by myself!

after lunch i went to the beach.

this ones borderline awkward but its here nonetheless. dont worry, i know i look SUPER skin here, but i was laying down and also i've gained like 30 pounds since i came home. seriously.

sunday i went to mercy for just worship because i had missed it last week. no pictures but you get the idea. it was fun, that's for sure. after worship flo and i went to the park, then i had lunch with my midwife, i LOVE her. she's moving to texas :( crazy. after lunch i went to a movie with my sister, The Ugly Truth... and i just need to say that katherine heigl's make up in that movie was so horrific i barely knew what the movie was even about. it was so distractingly ugly. then to the biermanns for a bbq and to watch The Reader since i had just read it (all this talking about reading The Reader is making me uncomfortable... silly).

monday i pinned down the elusive yankee for sandwiches and beer at gus's deli. soo delish its ridic. then i was back at the beach! it was crazy to just lay around at the beach for hours with no one to chase. i can't believe some people just get to do that whenever they want.....

this is the point where i was totally beyond make up and showers.

monday night we had a lady's bachelorette finale watching night and it was great, even though my heart broke just a little bit when she denied reid :(

tuesday morning i went to coffee with carissas mom, it was so nice. i missed meeting little anika jane because her ETA was bumped to 1030, i'm still so sad about it.. but i had to be back at lunchtime for my sweeties.

after coffee i left in a rush for home. this trip was amazing and something i needed really really bad, but it was even more amazing to see those three smiling faces when i walked in the door. i missed them to pieces!

one long blonde

today is the first time i've flat ironed my hair since mothers day.

i dont usually do it because i dont really like my hair straight. anyway, i did it and was like 'daaaang, my hair is LONG... and BLONDE'... ara walked in and said 'woa, i like your hair like that.' then she left for about 10 minutes... then she came back with diaper cream covering her entire face and hands. oh ara.

so here it is..... (i know, i kind of look like a creep in the first one, but that's only because i am).

also, i'm going to post what few pictures i have from my trip this weekend, but right now i gotta go to target, and trader joes, and lassens. ....

Sunday, July 26, 2009


“I like your tattoo.”

I looked up from my book to see a frizzy gray haired man in front of me. He wore a tan corduroy blazer with pockets so full they looked as though they might rip at the seams. His jeans were dark and too short for his legs. His shoes were black canvas with soles made of cloth. The glasses on his face had faded red frames and their lenses were so thick they made his eyes seem to bulge out of their sockets. In his right hand he carried a white paper bag that was torn on one corner.

“Two on my sides, roses.” I answered not knowing where this might go.

He sat on my left and set down his bag. I looked inside it and put the contents into my memory. 'Folded old comic sections from newspapers, The New Yorker, piece after piece of paper with scribbled writings on them, and a blue paper cup with coffee stains inside. I want to read what he’s been writing.’ I thought. He pulled out a scrap of paper about 3 inches by 2 inches and started to draw. We sat in silence and I watched his shaking hand scribble in fury as I tried to make out what the ink was leaving behind.

When he was finished he handed me the paper and on it was a poorly drawn sketch of Hot Stuff from Harvey comics and above the drawing he had written “little hot stuff copyright Harvey prod.”, in all caps.

He pointed his finger to nothing in particular but just up in the air in order to add conviction. His hand was almost an inch away from my face and I could smell the nicotine on his fingers as he spoke.

“This is a bad drawing but there was a little devil in diapers in the old Harvey comics, you know along with betty and all the other characters? That’s him.”

He raised his left hand and pointed to his left armpit with his other hand.

“If I ever got a tattoo I knew that is what I would get, right here.” He said with great excitement.

I laughed.

He bent over and pulled The New Yorker out of his bag.

“Which of these cartoons do you like better?”

I looked at the page and studied each one. There was one drawing of a man at a desk with papers piled high and the caption read something to the effect of “Oh that billion.” The other was a catcher on a baseball field with a dog sitting next to him that had a leash on. Before I could answer he spoke again.

"Can you read?"

“Yes!” I laughed.

“I like that one better.” I pointed to the first one.

He liked the other one and he explained the joke as if that might change my decision.

“But this one is relevant for now.” He said pointing the one I had chosen.

He put the magazine away and handed me the comic section from the San Luis Obispo Tribune, dated October 26th 2006. It was recklessly folded but surprisingly free of any stains or dirt.

“If you ever need something to read that will make you laugh out loud.” He suggested.

“Thank you.” I replied.

Inside I was hooked on him. I wanted to know his mind. Where he lived, what he did. Everything. But I didn’t ask one question, I let him keep going on his own. He told me he used to live downtown. Upstairs in the building on the next street that has marble steps. He lived there with his brother for three years. He told me about a real estate company that deals exclusively with downtown places and wrote their address is his chicken scratch on another small piece of paper for me.

“What’s your favorite animal? Or bird?” He asked me.

“I don’t know.” I said. Then I thought about why I didn’t know. I should know what my favorite animal is. I tried to think of just one name of one bird, any bird, and my mind was blank.

“Well what kind of animal have you had then?” He asked with apparent agitation.

“A cat.”I answered.

He proceeded to draw another cartoon. I could tell what this one was fast. It was me. The caption above me was “I wonder what’s for lunch.” He turned it over wrote today’s date on the back and signed his name. That move alone taught me an incredible amount about who he was. He asked me for seventy five cents and explained that he was out of money, he had been “tipping too much” lately. I’ve never enjoyed a beggar’s line so much. To my despair I had to deny him. I had NO cash what so ever with me. Not even change.

“Oh, that’s ok. Here.” he said, and he scrambled around his jacket searching for something to hand me.

I watched him pull out a sandwich bag with marijuana inside. He pulled a small amount off the rest then put the plastic bag away. His movements were disheveled but still fast. He ripped a piece off of one of the papers in his white bag and placed the small circle of weed in it. He then wrapped it unnecessarily tight into the paper and gave it to me.

“Smoke that with some tobacco. Don’t smoke it on its own. Even if you share it with someone, just a very small amount, its very strong. Only a tiny bit of that and it will knock you on your ass.” He instructed, and he got up to leave.

“Ok, I will. What is your name?” I said.

“Randy. Yours?”


We spoke our goodbyes at the same time and he walked away.

I tucked the drawings and the comics in my book and got up. I held the weed in my hand and smiled. This is why I miss this town, if I ever do.

Saturday, July 25, 2009


of course this would happen in a place like minnesota.

or anywhere in the middle.

chills of embarrassment.

*side note: can people PLEASE stop wearing sunglasses to weddings?
or taking wedding party pictures where all the guys where sunglasses?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

no, you dont look like an ass.

no offense to anyone i know who has these cars.
it will be apparent in this post that i disapprove of your taste,
but what are you gonna do you know? you probably hate mine too.

so, it was bad enough that these two cars were invented.
i mean bad enough for the sake of our society's judgment in what looks good...
because it could only be downhill from here right?
(i should have known).

(hint to pt cruiser owners: IT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE YOU ARE DRIVING AN OLD CAR)

downhill it went.

now we have the nissan cube, and oh. my. god.

it was stressful that this car was invented.

it was more stressful that their commercials called it a 'mobile device'.

but the most stressful part of all?

the fact that i have seen a few of these on the road, which can only mean one thing...

people have bought them!!!!!!


we might as well start driving around huge crocks with wheels,
cause that's sure as hell where we're headed.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

braces are my hero

something you may not know about me is that as a child i had an under bite. that's when your top teeth rest behind your bottom teeth and you look like a freak.

sometimes when i'm really relaxed my teeth just sit that way because it is what's still most natural for me.

it looks a little something like this...

only a thousand times worse.


on a side note, while searching for stephanie tanner (who evidently has only been out of her house and to a public event twice since she was on full house since there are only pictures of her in two different outfits on the entire internet...) i found this...

its nice to see the awkward middle sister grew herself some nice tits.

Monday, July 20, 2009


for the second time in barely two weeks a dear friend has been ripped from my life. completely.

two down.

how many more to go?

how much more could i take?

i'm fighting to not grow hardened yet again.

honestly, i feel very very in pain and very alone.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

the end of an era

i realized today that in my entire life i have never forgiven.

i mean TRULY seriously forgiven. yea when someone says something hurtful you forgive and forget and move on, and i can do that pretty fast... but when it comes to the heart breaking stuff i have never experienced what it feels like to really forgive someone.

until now.

i went to mercy church this morning.

the reason i went was because after all thats happened this past 7 months, the time in which the process of me forgiving luke and moving on began and ended, i felt like i was ready. finally ready, ready to find forgiveness, love and closure.

this morning i took my daughters downtown, ate at lineas and thought 'i'm going to mercy church.' for the first time i didn't get a knot in my stomach, i didnt feel the heart shattering pain run through my entire body, i didn't freeze up in anxiety, and i didn't second guess myself. i knew i was going and i knew it was right. i thought 'if i can finally be free of luke, if i really have forgiven him then i must be able to forgive the pages. i have to see if i really have moved on from this, in a real way.'

i wondered if all those painful feelings and all the tension would rush back into me when i drove up... if the hurt they caused would run through my mind over and over... if my hands would start shaking when i opened the door... but i knew inside none of that would happen. it didn't. i arrived in as much peace as i had when i decided that was my destination.

this day has been life changing for me. this may seem weird and unless you have been in this situation or one like it, you might not understand just how much this can affect a person. my ENTIRE life, all my views on love, forgiveness, god, christianity, people, EVERYTHING has been affected by this church, by this one family, for the past 4 years.

i didn't believe i was bitter until today, when the bitterness left.

i felt compassion on all the people in that room, on terry. i felt love, i felt peace for them. i saw them in a way i haven't seen them... maybe ever. for the first time i saw the goodness in terry's heart, i saw that he is doing a very good job at what he is trying to do and that he means it.

you know, they seem like a cult, and that didn't necessarily change in my mind... but i realized that to me pretty much all religion looks like a cult.. just not as extreme. yea mercy is a little more ridiculous when it comes to the structure, but maybe they're just really organized. no, i would NEVER want to do 'church' this way but i dont object that they do. i think actually in a lot of ways we agree, what they're doing, the way they pursue what they want, its something i want to do in my own life... i just dont relate it to jesus... and honestly jesus didn't really seem to be a big part of what they were doing anyway. he was kind of an afterthought. i think they could do exactly what they are doing, changing peoples lives and finding their version of success in life without jesus, actually a lot of people do. they just call it 'the secret' or 'the power of the mind' etc. all they are doing is believing, together. they come together focus on the same thing, speak words of encouragement and affirmation to and about themselves and each other and then live out of that. its a good thing. they find what they want because they have a vision for it, they see it and they all work towards it, those are good things. that they use jesus as the avenue is irrelevant to me, because it really doesn't matter how i think jesus should or shouldn't be used, he's not mine. anyone can use him anyway they want and its their hearts that matter.... whatever is true, whatever is right will be known someday, somehow... its not my place to determine and correct. i believe in justice and i believe we shouldn't hurt people, but i also believe that on the other side of that we should be careful about who we give that power to. who do we allow to have enough access to hurt us? and to hurt us so deeply? was it really their fault they hurt me? they were, after all, answering to their god. i shouldn't have given them so much power. it was an equally balanced teeter totter of pain.

for these people, this is life, this is real, this is hope. how can i look at them and say they are wrong? they aren't out to hurt people. i realized tonight that we are ALL going to hurt people, exclude people, write people off, when we exercise our right to live out what we believe is true. i hurt people emotionally, indirectly and unintentionally by thinking and therefore living the way i do. we all do. why are they worse? because they hurt me? that's ridiculous. being cut out of their lives is probably viewed differently by them than it is by me, but either way it makes sense that our lives just dont fit together and you know what? thats ok! its totally and completely ok. why did i have to let that mean so much to me?

people are people and we are bound to be hurtful, we are bound to be careless or wrong, we are bound to have an affect on each other good or bad. this is life, and this is good.

these people are doing what they dreamed. i wasn't a part of that dream, and that's what hurt me. but i dont even want to be a part of that dream... so why should i let that hurt me? and even if i allow myself to be hurt by it, why should i blame them? its not their fault i wasn't a part of that dream. yes there were other things that happened that i had to forgive, harsh words or misplaced reprimand, but those are small pebbles on a large road. they are nothing, they are no worse than anything else i have said.

so i saw those familiar faces, i saw jaws drop (literally) and stay open the entire time their eyes were upon me, but i saw love and i saw unity. and i took it all in. they took me in. they didn't scorn me, or judge me, or look at me with hate... yea a few of them were literally shaking while talking to me, they were very surprised to see me, and of course i could see the question in their eyes.. balancing my motives in their mind while i talked... but they welcomed me.

all in all it was one of the most important days of my life.

freedom reigns in my life today and the power of forgiveness has been made known to me. i know i am forever changed. i have been fighting in my mind for so long. to stand with terry and talk and feel nothing in my heart but true honest love and true honest forgiveness was something i have needed deeply.

i went, i didn't go up in flames in the midst of his sermon, and i actually put out flames in my own heart.

i am full of love.

and this has nothing to do with my post, but something i need to say....

my husband is my hero.

Friday, July 17, 2009


the past few months
people have read my blog from these countries
japan was a big one
that must be because of seth.

United States United Kingdom Canada Australia Japan Mexico Belgium France New Zealand Norway Germany Israel Peru Brazil Philippines India Serbia Spain Thailand South Korea Croatia Romania Indonesia Netherlands Singapore Greece Sweden South Africa Finland Ireland Italy Egypt Hungary Poland Switzerland Turkey Denmark Argentina Malaysia Slovakia Nepal Taiwan Bangladesh Bosnia and Herzegovina Brunei Bermuda Lithuania Slovenia Costa Rica Portugal Uganda Ghana Colombia Bulgaria Hong Kong Venezuela Panama Vietnam Iceland Sudan Malta Nigeria Jamaica Estonia Iceland Pakistan

victory in love

sometimes we get to choose how we'd like to move on, we can fix our minds on the end and muster up all our strength and it somehow becomes enough to push us through.

sometimes healing comes from a place we never would have seen coming, a place we never would have chosen, a place that doesn't make sense.

im not clear on where these things come from, is it us? is it god? i dont know. all i know is that when it comes i jump on, close my eyes and hold on tight.

it is in my nature to survive. if i haven't mentioned this before my life has been a story of survival... not always a story of achievement or a story of betterment, but always survival. there have been times i not only survive but i break through to heights no one could expect from me, but most times i just survive. i just make it. which in and of itself seems a miracle to me. i work towards that not being my only triumph though, i work towards greater goals than just not dying, than just not losing it, than just not ruining my entire life... and i will get there. the point is, i am a survivor. i have been conditioned my entire life to be selfish for the sake of life. i'm not talking 'everyone is selfish', i'm talking about if i'm not selfish i WILL die. i WILL be abandoned, i WILL lose. so i chose me, over and over. i've been choosing me. i dont see this is as me being a bad person, but i do see this as habit that can be a fault. its good that i can survive, i know inside i can make it through anything, ANYthing. that is never in question really. but when you are built to survive only, love gets the short end of the stick.

why? because love equals vulnerability and vulnerability equals loss. if you are vulnerable you get hurt, you can be weakened by your hurt and therefore you can lose more easily. if you dont love, i mean truly deeply love then your risk of pain is much less, as is your risk of breaking.

i have become beyond remarkable at preserving myself. i can lock you out FOREVER. i can protect myself like a wolf protecting its young. i am fierce and i am strong. i will fight to my death and leave a legacy of survival behind to my children.

and this way the cycle will continue for generations. it has come this far, through my grandmother, through my mother... survivors. my grandmother was a survivor of her circumstances and she did it well, she taught her defense to my mother who took it in a terribly wrong direction. my mother has always made it through, and history tells me she always will... but history also says she will never overcome. she will never find true victory. she let her selfish survivor preservation defeat her.

she will live her life and make it but the full potential of quality of life she could have experienced will forever be lost.

i dont want to lose mine.

i have been healed from something, yes. would i take back the change that's been made? my nature says no. no matter how much my progress may have affected anyone else? still, my nature tells me no. because this is how i have lived for 24 years.

i am beyond thankful that this healing has finally come and there is a freedom in that.

but there is now the places that have been broken in order to make those whole, there are places in others that have been broken for my benefit. so this question comes up...

how do i learn to truly live beyond survival? to truly learn how to live?

it is an oxy moron to say that my survival could defeat me, but in every sense it is very real truth.

how long will it take for my heart to open in the right places? how long will it take for all the bits of healing to make sense with each other? how can i learn to be vulnerable, to let you in, and be able to let go of the risk?

i loved luke. im not talking about the romance. i'm talking about true, deep, serious, selfless, unconditional, unchanging love. to this day i have no idea where this love came from, it was like something outside me walked into my chest and placed it carefully in the middle of the largest chamber of my heart.

he broke me like no one has EVER broken me, EVER. nothing in my life hurt me more than this one situation, ironically.

i have been scarred, for 8 long years, i have been scarred. the tissue on my heart grew back, but as scar tissue does it grew back stronger than it was before and created a safe barrier against anyone trying to get in. for the first time since then somehow i have seen a place in me that can be vulnerable, really vulnerable, that can love. through learning that i could love and not be taken down i have been healed.

so from here i have to take this knowledge, both the knowledge that i can be vulnerable and not die and the knowledge that surviving alone is not truly surviving at all, and use these things to my advantage and the advantage of those around me. i have to store these things inside me and use them to love the people who matter most to me.

that is where i will find real victory.

i was waiting to write until i could block the one person i want to never look my way again from reading my blog, but i realized that its not me to hide. from anyone. so look all you want, you'll only see me getting better. i know you're watching with envy.

Monday, July 13, 2009

i can't think of any words

but flo came this weekend.

that was the best.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


very interesting.

alright here's the deal

i've read emails about me lately.

to the ones talking like you know me, when clearly you dont... get a grip. its obvious from the emails sent to her by people thinking they know me, that you are looking at me through jesus colored glasses. if you could see me on your own then we would probably still be friends whoever you are (i'm sure your defense would be that you could never separate your view of me from jesus, then stop looking). its wild to me that people still think that i dont have friends who disagree with me, this proves that the people who think this either have never known me or have no real contact with me. i have shut a lot of people out of my life recently, and the reason is not from disagreeing, the reason is drama and jesus pushing.

i will not be a christian. i wont. i'm done.

so if youre going to hang out around here, you need to move past that.

it is exhausting to me that there are still some christians who, for whatever reason, are latched onto me like i'm theirs. you are so latched you can't even be happy that i am TRULY happy. i dont need jesus to be happy. maybe you feel so sad that you need him and i dont, i dont know but just let me go. i'm not yours, you dont know my heart and its seriously creepy. when i read the things you people had to say it didn't make me feel like i was missing out, like i was being loved, or like i was angry... it made me feel like you are delusional.

those of you who think i used to have a 'sparkle' when i was following jesus need to realize something... it was FAKE. it wasn't real, it wasn't me. what you were seeing was not me, it was a fabricated me that was doing what others told me to do so that i could receive love. i actively followed something for other people, conciously. so move on.

i have grown up. i realize that only mature people can make the distinction, so it may be hard for those of you to understand who can't look beyond yourself and accept other people no matter what they believe, and truly accept that other people can find love, peace and happiness in things you dont find them in.

i need to put this part of my life behind me. i need to move on from christianity. the book on me being a christian is closed, not to be opened again. i only find hope, peace, comfort and happiness in this statement, so if you think you love me be happy for me. if you hate me... like i have said MANY a time... go away, i dont need nor want you near me. if you think you can't love me and be happy that i have found something outside of jesus then i would actively reject your love, to me, its not love.

i hope im really making this clear.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

book me

so i had gotten all these suggestions for books on my facebook, then i threatened rape on my husband and lost my facebook.

so..... i lost all my suggestions (and the vlog people so lets give it up ok? its gone)

anyway i need a novel. i need romance.

for example a book i read REPEATEDLY was the scarlet pimpernel.

i love books during wars, i love books that take place a long long time ago... i dont love books about the now or 90s. or 80's.... or any time the picture the author paints of their clothing could end up in a fashion disaster.

ok... go.

no, i dont have ocd.

i have a lot of systems.

especially when it comes to how i eat. there is a proper way to make a sandwich and a proper way to eat one, if you want it to taste good that is. seth doesn't believe me, but a sandwich doesn't taste the same if the ingredients are in the wrong order, or if the ratio is wrong, or if its cut the wrong way.

when i go to baja fresh, which is WAY too much, i ALWAYS get a quesadilla.

there is a system to this quesadilla and there has been for over 10 years. it has evolved as my taste has changed, but the foundation is the same and it has only been added to. it goes like this...

  • order a plain cheese quesadilla with an 80z veggie mix on the side.

*this is crucial. baja fresh sells a quesadilla with the veggie mix already in it, but let me assure you, that is not the way you want to eat it. (i have never tried it that way, for the record, but i dont need to in order to know its wrong). also when ordering the veggies on the side its very important that you order the '80z side' because otherwise you get about 10z. bad ratio.

  • get two of the tiny to go cups for salsa and fill them with salsa verde.
  • get two more and fill with cilantro.
  • one more and put 6-7 lime slices in it.

now. here is how the process of eating this particular meal goes.

  • fold quesadilla in half horizontally.
*you want to start with an edge piece of course, both edges are to be eaten first, followed by the smallest middle slice and ending with the largest middle slice.

  • place perfect ratio of grilled veggies on quesadilla.
  • top with outrageous amount of cilantro.
  • squeeze 1 lime on top.
*for the last, largest slice you will be using two limes. and there are 1-2 extra lime slices in case you run into the occasional dry bite.

  • using your fork, you place a dab of both guac and sour cream on one bite.
  • follow this with a couple drops of the salsa.
  • take bite.
now... every bite you will be repeating the guac, sour cream and salsa, everything else is fine to be added at once in the beginning.

this is how i eat it EVERY time. how i have eaten it every sitting the past 10-12 years.

today, i had to eat it differently.

i, of course, still put everything on in order, but i had to eat it flat. just flat. not bent in half because of my tooth. and let me tell you, eating it the wrong way was more painful than the tooth. it changes the texture, throws off every ratio and therefore completely destroys the taste that comes from my perfected system.

it was really hard for me.

Friday, July 3, 2009

be a feminist, just dont be a housewife.

arabella loves all the things i always wanted my daughter to love. and although i may seem like the kind of mother who made sure that she chose the things i wanted, i'm not. i have had very little influence, if any, on her deciding she's obsessed with princesses or pink, or nail polish or jewelery etc.. i mean, obviously she sees me use this stuff but when she has been into the things i despise (ie. baseball, yellow, dora, purple etc) i still tell her that its great that she loves those things. anyway, i've been thinking about all the things she loves, princesses and princes, her kitchen and all that entails, the baking, the cooking, wearing an apron. she loves talking about getting married and saying 'when i get married', and she loves taking care of her baby.... all this scares the shit out of me, to be honest. i'm not afraid i wont be able to teach her what i want to, but this just wakes me up and makes me realize i dont like the way its headed. luckily she's two, and i have a lot of time to move in other directions.

the point here is that i dont want to raise daughters who think they're role, or the things they should be excited about or enjoy are the traditional womens activities. i dont want them thinking they are supposed to love baking, sewing, or princesses. i dont want them thinking they are supposed to want a prince, that someone is EVER supposed to come rescue them, or that they are supposed to get married. i dont want them thinking they are supposed to have children. i want to teach them to love the things they love no matter what they are. if they get older and hate baking or cooking, god love them, i'll tell them to hire a chef when they grow up. if they hate princesses and want to be a soccer player, i'll tell them to bend it like bekham. (then i'll blush in embarrassment for myself). if they want to be single for the rest of their lives, i'll tell them to enjoy themselves and their friends. if they decide they love women, i'll tell them i'm proud of who they are. i want my daughters to understand that exactly who they are is beyond enough. they never have to get married or have children or do the things i've done or like the things i like. they are great just the way they are. i want them to think of marriage as something that is an option, something they can partake in if they choose, an added extra that they could certainly live without. not a necessity.

i might offend a thousand people right now, but i dont really care, it makes me furious that people, any people, think women should be mothers and wives, that we should cook and clean etc. i never want my daughters to end up housewives with children and thinking that's all they are. i get that some women like that that's all they are, and think its more fulfilling than anything else, but for me, if i end up with daughters who feel that way.... that will be the hard thing to deal with. i have to balance this extreme, because chances are they will get married and they will bake at some point, and i want to be happy if that's all they ever choose to do. but it makes me want to hide my sewing machine and teach them to be feminists.

the reason i want them to know marriage, sewing, baking, babies, are a choice, is because i didn't know. i mean i knew they were a choice, but i thought they were the obvious choice and any other would have been shameful. my mother didn't teach me how to be a good mother or a good housewife. she didn't teach me how to bake or sew, but something she instilled in me from a very young age was that i needed a man. i needed someone else to make me whole and i needed someone to rescue me. she taught me that i should learn to adapt and form around whoever this man might be that i will need in order to make him happy, therefore denying myself and letting me go. this is something i see in the church a lot, spoken about as a great thing. i see it as excruciatingly harmful.

most of the women that will be in their lives are women who either have gotten married, had kids and done nothing else... or women who have wanted that and didn't get it. i want more women in my daughters lives who have done no such thing and have no intention.

i know my daughters will look up to me and therefore might want to follow in my footsteps of marriage and children, if they are persistent i will have to love and support this choice. but i want them to know that this is NOT the only choice and any one of many options they choose could be the best for them. although i've already made the marriage and baby choice, i want to lead by example in other areas too. i want to show them that i am so much more than just this and i want more in my life than this, and thats not just acceptable, its great. i want them to see that seth and i dont need each other, we chose this and had we chosen differently we would be no less.

i want to learn how to give them a balanced view of marriage and children, and i'm not sure quite yet how that works but i am sure as hell not going to have little girls running around saying things like 'when i grow up and get married', or 'when i grow up and have babies' as if it is their only choice.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


its 620am, my house is clean, dishwasher is on and so is the washer. i'm drinking tea, i've done some reading... what am i going to fill the rest of my day with? i'm being too productive. remember how i talked about how i'm SO efficient?... this is the problem, if i apply myself to my best ability, i do it too well. then i'm left with too much open time. now i'll need some more extra carricular activities.

ok onto the blog....

last night during our smoke, in which i hit a record four cigarettes in a row, seth and i were talking about our dream house.

seth is a dreamer, an idealist. in his mind everything him or i want is perfectly attainable and something we will have. its not in question. he's been asking me to tell him the things i want in life, so he can make a mental note, and from there bring them into our lives. so we started talking about my dream house and how many rooms we would want and what for. i said 4. one for us, two rooms for the girls that they could use as a bedroom and separate play room til they get a bit older and want their own rooms, and a guest bedroom. seth said 5. he wanted the same but he wants his own studio, which could seem extravagant at first but when you need to record as much as seth, it is more economical in the end. so i agreed to 5. then he said we should have 6. all of those, plus a room for me to write in. i started to get a bit angry as i argued with him as to why i did not want anything more than 5 bedrooms and that that was already pushing it. i'd like to have his studio be separate from our house actually and only have 4 bedrooms in our house. we'd also like either a special outdoor kind of area or a place in the studio to make into a hukah lounge.

anyway, i started getting frustrated while explaining why i didn't want a house that was any larger. for seth, this is our dream and we should think of everything we could dream up for this. to me, within dreaming up the things i want, i was thinking of the kind of person i want to be, and stay. i NEVER want to live in extravagance and a 4 bedroom house is already at my very very most outer limit of that, especially if it was a house we built for ourselves. its not that i dont think i deserve it or seth doesnt, its just that i could never feel right living in a house i felt was extravagant, that was too far beyond what we need. if i had millions upon millions i would not build a house with more bedrooms than 4. i know people say you can stay yourself and have lots of money, and maybe some can, but i believe you always change. if that happened to me, or when it does as seth believes, i want to be as much the same as i can be. i was thinking about brad pitt and angelina jolie. if i had as much money as them, i would not want to live the lifstyle they do. i think they do GREAT things and i admire that. but if i had loads of money i wouldn't want to live an extravagant life and then make up for it by doing good things so i didn't feel guilty. i'd rather stay myself, live within what i see as reasonable, and give just because i want to, not because if i dont my life will be totally outrageous.

i had this conversation in regards to touring with matt theison. yea i just kind of named dropped, i dont know if that counts, but maybe semi? anyway we got in kind of an argument about how people have extravagant tours and there is no need. everyone's view of what is ridiculous is different... but you can choose to see what you want. example... if you start out touring in a van, you will accomodate to that, if you move onto an rv, you will accomodate to that and then a van will seem to small, you move to a bus and all of a sudden you dont know how you ever toured on an rv and so on and so forth. i was talking about how britney spears, i'm guessing, spends more on one show (at least for sure did at the time) than coldplay did. she could not do that, still have as many people in her audience and make more money in the end because she didn't spend like 3 million on one show. extravagance.

a lot of people who come out of poverty move to the other extreme, they want, they feel they deserve everything they ever wanted. although i can be an extreme person i long for balance in my life, in every area. i dont want to become the extreme opposite of the poverty stricken life i grew up in, i just want balance. i want a house that is a home, that has enough room and is more than i ever could have thought i would have but that doesn't have so much space we make up reasons to use certain rooms. i dont need a room to write. i can write in a guestroom, i can write anywhere. i want to live a life that fulfills mine and seths dreams, but i want to live a life first and foremost that is true to who i am and what i believe in. anyone can lose who they are and what they believe at the touch of money. i do NOT believe money is evil or bad, i love money, money is great, but who i am is greater.

it was nice talking about our dream house but i told seth that i wanted to get to the place where we love exactly where we are. we havent been there yet. i think its so good to dream and if i wasn't married to seth i might never dream at all... but i also think its good to wait on dreams, hold them for a minute, and love where you are. i feel like we are almost to the place we have been trying to get to since we got married. a home we love, not struggling with money, children that aren't tiny ha, and real happiness with each other. i want to finish getting to those things right now, and we are so close i can taste it. once i am there, i will be free to dream.... to dream for my reasonable, yet beautiful, modern four bedroom home with a hukah lounge....