Saturday, January 31, 2009

thanks carly

she just posted this on facebook and now i love it.

i promised i diss you.

so here i go.

korbel at blue.

that is where i started out on my girls night. one of my friends ordered a drink she had never had, tasted it and hated it. she offered it to anyone else at the table, every one of the 6 of us there tasted it and all hated it. we told her to just ask them to make her another drink, because as we all agreed that is what places normally do if you hate your drink. no biggie.

she asked the waiter and his response was 'i cannot take the drink back, you shouldn't order something you haven't tried'.


we all questioned him because all of us thought that was a ridiculous response. he said he would go ask his manager. he took the drink with him. weird. he came back and said it was made right and that he tasted it, yes tasted it, and could not take it back, proceeded to set it back in front of my friend and left.

we were all dumbfounded.

i went and spoke to the owner because not only did i think it was ridiculous that they are the only place to get drinks where they would NOT exchange something you hated, and not only that it was ridiculous that he said we shouldn't order things we havent tried... but that he tasted it!?!?!?!

her response was that this waiter was always good at customer service so she didn't understand what i was saying and that she was 'sorry i felt that way'.

i could have punched her patronizing smirk off her face right there. but im a mother now.

so this is my revenge, a blog to hundreds of readers, please think twice before you go to this wretched place because you will probably receive snooty glances, bad service, expensive crappy drinks and on top of it all could be patronized by the owner.

Friday, January 30, 2009

like i said last night...

i haven't been that drunk since 7th grade.

and it was super fun.

last night was really really really great for me. i'm sure the gin helped, but it would have been wonderful anyways...

it was so amazing to smell the kettlecorn and bbq walking down higuera during farmers.. the show was super great, if i didn't say good bye to you, i'm sure you understand why.. if you saw me. ha.

to all my friends who helped me to not fall, thank you. (i know i did a few times anyway... but... )

i love all you guys soooo much.

it was a nice way to go out..

and somehow, by the grace of god, (can i say that about this) i dont have a hangover... so i can move!!!

aight bitches see you in LA!!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


as ara would say.

almost.. we are almost there.

our house is almost completely boxed up. our night will be filled with finishing up packing and choosing the clothes and things we will need for our last night up here. i think we're going to stay at seth's parents house on thursday night, which will be nice because our beds will be packed, but also really sad... because that means that tonight is the last night in our home. the home we created together, the home my babies were born in. i've been listening to a song i wrote for seth when we first got married and it reminds me of a time i have so much forgotten... our small window of time we were married without little ones. it was only 15 months. but i loved love loved that time. it was soooo hard for us, i feel like we were on fast forward and somehow dealt with every huge problem our marriage could have had or will have in that 15 months... but even with that, it was a good time. and it was in this house. its crazy to think that another family is going to be in this home, they dont know our memories they dont know all the triumphs and tribulations that have taken place within these walls. they dont know the life that came to be in this place. ... and off we go to a new place with no memories, a fresh new start.. i am excited for that.

i'm going to miss this place soooo much. i'm unbelievably glad we will only be in LA, i probably would have died if we had actually gone to bend. now if my thai craving over takes me at least its only a drive away ;)

(dont suggest thai places in LA, because i'm not having an affair on thai classic. i just couldn't)

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


i was just reading this blog and its the second reminder from yesterday to today that our perspective means everything.

for me that blog is terrifying, it scares me to death. pun intended. it scares me because i dont know if that is real or not, and if it is it doesn't sound like a place i would want to be for eternity, but if its true i'd rather be there than the alternative. to the writer it provokes awe and hope.

yesterday i talked with a friend, again, about prop 8 and being gay in general, and society, etc etc... he saw prop 8 as someone asking him what marriage meant in his mind, in his life.. i saw it as someone asking if i thought other people should be allowed to have what i have, whether we agree about who its with or not.... and it was crazy to see how looking at prop 8 from just two different perspectives was all it took to change millions of peoples lives, to produce rage and hate, to produce hope and love...

it seems like a tiny change in perspective, but a tiny change in perspective can change the whole world.

the way we look at love, at religion, at government, at other people, those are the perspectives that dictate what society we create. i dont want everyone to see the world the way i see it, but i do want us to be able to allow each other to see the world however we choose and to implement those things into our lives.

i know, from shit eating to deep shit.
my blog is crazy.

Monday, January 26, 2009

if you are my family...

or you dont like porn, dont watch this.... other wise.. get ready to see the sickest thing you have ever seen in your entire life. dont even ask me how i have this video in my life..


you have to watch the whole thing though. i did. that means you can do it too.

san luis obispo.

it will always be my home.

i have never felt at home anywhere until i came here. we moved about 20 times by the time i was 16 so everywhere i went i knew i'd be leaving soon. every time i would move when i was younger i never really cared because i was usually just glad to get away from that middle place i was in. i always wanted to see if the next place was going to feel like home. dont get me wrong, i'm really really crazy excited to leave, because for me 8 years is way too long... but now i know that no matter how far away i go or for how long san luis will always have my heart. there aren't words to describe what this place means to me.

when i came here so long ago i was broken, depressed, alone. i had a small lifetime of pain behind me and nothing to look forward to. i physically ached with sadness. i met a few great people and my life was forever changed. there could never be anything to compare to those first months i spent here and the people that loved me so dearly, that loved me out of my loneliness. cameron, jo, seth, carissa, brook, jeremy. i found true love here, i found hope, i found a place i belonged. i've learned how to be friends with people for more than a year, which probably sounds easy to most, but was a very hard thing for me to understand. i grew up here, i got married here, i had my babies here. but as it has come closer to the time for us to move, the less i have felt like i belong... i dont fit here anymore. maybe i will again, maybe i never will but this will always be my home. i love that about san luis and i love that there are so many like me, friends and strangers who come in and out of this wonderful place. i love how there are the people from what i think of as 'old san luis' who you dont see for years and then suddenly they reappear and you are thrust back into the memories of that time. the past two weeks i have been lucky enough to see so many of the old stranger friends that i haven't seen in so long... and i got to see a little bit of that old place come back to life in my heart right before i leave. it was such a comfort to see their familiar faces and hear their hellos and well wishes, to know that they see me, steady, sure to be in this place. i am expected to be here. i love that you can see a stranger some hundreds of times in barnes noble over 8 years and although you never talk, you are somehow friends and you both know it. i love that that stranger will be sad to see me go. we have become the steady here, the people who you can always count on being downtown. now i leave that group and i become one of the many travelers who leave and come back. to think that this used to be the norm for me, to go to a new place and start out clean, not knowing anyone there, not knowing the town or its history, not knowing the travelers you know you will always see, not knowing the people who make up the foundation of that town, not knowing the homeless by their names... its strange once you find your place, your home. i never thought i would have a home i never thought i would feel this way. i'm so thankful i do and i'm so thankful to know that i can leave and san luis wont forget me. i have made my print in this town and will always be remembered, and will always come back.

Sunday, January 25, 2009


we go our couch from this awesome guy in a track suit who had braces. he was super super cool and super 'relaxed'. really funny. but for some reason the whole time we were with him i just kept thinking 'he looks like a killer'. like a dexter kind of killer. but i really really liked him... which made me think this even more.

last night i dreamed that he was a killer. we were out at a restaurant and he found me. he had a knife and he stabbed me once, then told me i couldn't leave the room he was in. the whole night he would follow my every move and i couldn't get back to my friends. we kept having these really scary confrontations and he would stab me and it would hurt, but i had no wounds. i tried to tell the bartender i was being attacked and he said 'i know, there is nothing i can do' and then just looked up at the killer. i asked him if i could go to the bathroom and he said yes, which was crazy.. when i got to the bathroom seth was coming out so i told him what was going on. he got all of our friends and told them. they all came into the restaurant. i was so happy because i knew i would be free. but when they got there he laughed and said 'aw, she told you a story?' and then, because he was so charming, went on to 'explain' to them how he was joking with me and i took it the wrong way. he convinced everyone, even seth, that i was the crazy one and he was super funny and nice.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

hollywood regency

that is my favorite style.

hollywood regency combines glamorous details with the clean cut shapes of modern style.

we've been looking for a couch that fits that category for a while. today seth looked on cragsist and found a couch but it didn't have a picture. we went to paso to see it, it was perfect. its got down pillows and is super comfy. plus he had an amazing chair that i actually even love more than the couch and a secretary table that is probably from the 30's -40's. AND he had a bunch of boxes for us... an old mail holder and a picture i love, to put in the girls new room. it was all next to nothing to buy.... and now we'll have more than one place to sit in our house. i can't wait to get down there and set everything up and take pictures for all of you!

my retired womb.

i'm not having more kids. period.

me and seth have gotten in big hypothetical conversations about what we would do if i got pregnant while using two forms of birth control, most likely wont happen, but terrifying none the less.

i can't wait until i can get my tubes tied. that is my only DEFINITE.

so terrifying that i have been having dreams almost every night that i am pregnant. which even lead me to buy a pregnancy test last night... not because i really thought i was pregnant but just to ease my mind. but did it ease my mind?

i dont think so, because last night after watching news about stem cell research... i dreamed that i was doing stem cell research and decided to somehow extract cells from my own uterus. when i looked at these cells they showed that i was pregnant....

with twins.

then the whole dream was just me trying to decide whether or not to get an abortion like i've said that i would. it was crazy feeling like i only had a few weeks to decide and be sure. flo and erin were telling me not to. i took a walk downtown with bill clinton and he said i should. i woke up before i decided, unbelievably relieved that it was not real and the pregnancy test i took last night was false.

vasectomy please...

i'm hoping that will at least ease my fears.

Friday, January 23, 2009


thats what i think anyway.

how about you?

Thursday, January 22, 2009

so hot.

so instead of doing all the things should be doing right now... i have to show you this....

so on tuesday i was flat ironing my hair and arabella wanted hers done just like mine. so.. i did it. and it was pretty much the sickest thing i've ever seen. awesome.

it even scared nola.


this has just been brought to my attention.
i've heard of sexin it up.
i've heard of textin it up.
i had never heard of 'sextin' it up.
i like it.

so i got all ready for seth show, dressed up, super excited. had planned a month ahead of time for two different sets of friends to watch arabella all day yesterday and then overnight. drove down to LA, went thrift store shopping while seth practiced. got to the show and found out that even though we had asked ahead of time, nola could NOT get into the show (just another reason to add to my 'list of why i want to give into formula'). so.... i drove home, alone. it was nice to be alone i guess, but driving makes me tired in like 20 minutes so it was tough. but i got home by 1115. which wasn't so bad and now i get to hang out sans arabella for a while thanks to b&s.

now i'm just thinking about tonight, i think seth will be home around... 5 or 530.. maybe a bit later... anyway i really would love to go to farmers market if it doesn't rain. i'm pretty sure this would be our last farmers for a while since next thursday is pack the uhaul/seths show day. it would be cool to see some friends there also. ... sometime, i need to start packing. scary.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

bear me the details.

we came home to a huuuuuge bear on our doorstep.

i assume its for arabella, but there was no note.

she will love it, but you can see my hesitance in giving her a big stuffed animal without knowing where its from....

if you left it there, please tell me.

Monday, January 19, 2009


prettier than me.

i think i'm super pretty. there's not a lot of people i really think are way prettier than me (i'm just being honest, get over it).. but this lady is one. i'm in love with her.

have i mentioned how much i love myself?

cause really, i'm awesome.

i love that i'm super girly and dress good... but i know how to fix the garbage disposal, unclog the sink and can put together any piece of furniture or any toy we buy.

i'm such a sexy man.

my rights. your wrongs.

when do my rights become an other's oppression?
when do my beliefs?
when does love?

if someone fights for their freedom alone they don't oppress others.
if someone fights for the right to snuff ones freedoms, they have become the oppressor.

people get confused about where i stand when it comes to everyone's right to their beliefs. i believe that people have the right to believe in whatever they choose, i'm not going to tell them its wrong with only one exception, i believe that the only things i can clearly say are wrong to someone else are things that will physically hurt another person or living being. at the same time i believe that when we exercise our beliefs, we need to be careful to allow others theirs. if my belief system says you are wrong that's ok, but i'm not going to take action against what you believe, unless it hurts someone.

should what i believe be what all others around me live by?
i dont think that is true and i dont believe that is love.
i dont want someone else's convictions to define my life, so why should my convictions define theirs?

for me love is letting people be who they are and allowing them the freedom to choose what they life for, all people deserve the same rights i have whether i think they are wrong or right.

i see now, that this is not what all would consider love. somehow people can see love in changing others to fit better with themselves.

what is love? who even defines what it is?

this subject is hard for me to write about, because i feel i can't convey exactly what i'm trying to say in typed letters. its also a hard subject for me in life, because no matter how many people i talk to the mentality of making laws to fit just your beliefs does not make sense. i dont get the mentality of love being one where you dont accept parts of a person because they dont align with your morals.

people being oppressed in any way breaks my heart. it creates a deep ache inside me that i can physically feel. what makes it worse is when people i love dearly support oppression, how do i reconcile that? its not 'oh you just believe what you believe' its ... 'what you believe oppresses another and strips them of their rights, their beliefs, of acceptance' and i dont know how to understand that. i dont know how to make it okay, i dont know how to ignore it.

these are the kinds of things that make me feel like i need to move farther and farther away from christianity. i dont know if this is how jesus was, if these things are what he wanted his followers to do i dont want to be a part of that.. i dont believe that he was like that... but its all i see.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

stifled sklyana

last night seth and i were talking about how happy we both are that i want to be friends with people again and that i'm outgoing again.

if you met me in the past 3 years, you would probably not believe that there was a time that i wasn't outgoing... haha. but alas, there was.

it was the time that i was dating luke. i always think about our exes as people we are thankful to have had in our lives because they taught us how to be in relationships and taught us how to grow up. but sometimes the bad outweighs the good. both seth and i look back on the relationship i had with luke full of regret. there are things he taught me, yes and i dont know if it was worth it or not... because there was so much he changed about me that has been incredibly hard to get back. i only just now feel like i'm truly getting back to pre-luke skylana. i felt like i forgave him and i felt like i had moved on from that hurt or anger or whatever it was that trailed behind him when he walked away, but last week i was telling a friend about that time of my life and i got really really angry just thinking about him. i think i never get angry about it because i never think about him and after we dated i got married so fast i didn't really have time to be angry, i was sad but i never moved past that to the anger and then through it to real forgiveness. so now here i am, three years into marriage, and i'm angry. i'm really mad at luke... for stifling who i am, for telling me i wasn't good enough, for leading my heart on a wild goose chase and then crushing it... knowing full well what he was doing. luke isn't a bad person i dont think... but he treated me in a super super crappy way... and the effects of his actions are still a part of my life, my life with my husband and my family. i know i will get over being mad and i will find true forgiveness for him, but not right now.

sometimes the bad outweighs the good.

Friday, January 16, 2009


i think older people get taken for granted a lot. sometimes they are left alone in nursing homes sometimes they grow old in houses together standing by the door waiting for the mail to come... always making the most menial of tasks the center of their day, because there aren't people around to be the center of their day.

i visited my grandma while we were in LA, we stayed at her house and i felt like we came into an igloo and melted the walls with life. her house is spotless, her week is planned out so there is one (or less than one) event meant to be done that day, ie going to the eye doctor, or grocery shopping. my grandfather sleeps a lot and has headaches a lot which leaves my grandma in an empty house with her thoughts alone. if anyone knows me in real life, you could come to the conclusion very easily that this would not be the most beneficial of situations for someone related to me... who has a mind that works so closely to my own.

while arabella was napping i just sat and talked with my grandma. i loved listening to her talk about our family and where they came from, telling me her memories both good and bad, from the day she got her tonsils out and spilled a milkshake to the day two officers showed up at her doorstep to tell her her husband had been in an accident. it was something i cant really describe... to sit next to this woman with a lifetime between her and that moment, yet while she spoke i just watched the tears fall as she explained the details of this day, i was in it... i could feel the worry when he was late, the explanations running through her head telling her it was ok as she fed her children and got them in the bath, then the terror as she heard a car pull in, looking out the window she wouldnt see him driving up. just two men in uniform. she doesn't remember the year after that. who would? i asked her how she got out of bed every morning after that, how she raised those four children on her own, and raised them well. she told me about the family that surrounded them, the family made up of neighbors and friends, that held her up and pushed her through.

she talked to me about marrying the man i know as my grandpa 16 years after that day. she talked to me about each of her children and the things she loves about each of them. she told me about her mother, about how she met my grandfather, how their mothers hated each other, and how they eloped in vegas. ...

its remarkable the stories, the lifetimes, the memories that will be lost with the people who hold them. we have so much to gain from those who have lived before us.

i'm so thankful to be moving closer to her, to be able to spend time learning from her stories.

lovely little ladies.

i just dropped seth off at his new job a bit ago and i'm at starbucks with the girls... i've been thinking about writing about this but i just haven't... anyway they are SO good when we're out. i feel like i can handle them better when i take them out hahah! but really like a few weeks ago we went to the social security office and were there for 2 hours and arabella sat in her chair the whole time and listened to everything i said... and nola chills now... as long as she eats when she's hungry she's happy. i can take them downtown, have nola in the stroller and hold hands with ara and its not a big deal at all.. AND my favorite thing! we can do things like this! i'm just at starbucks on the computer, nola is chillin in her carseat and arabella is drinking milk and eating breakfast and is very happy... we've been able to go to barnes and noble and i'll get a bunch of books for ara and mags for me and we just sit at a table and i read mine and she reads hers. its amazing.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

our new home.

we came down to LA today and checked out our new apartment.

we love it. its so nice inside and its literally just across the freeway from seth's new office. its also right next to westlake village, like the 'welcome to westlake village' sign is one driveway down from our complex and its so close to the downtown area. i couldn't be happier.

usually when i drive over the grade into thousand oaks i get a lump in my throat and my stomach ties into knots and all i want to do is go back to san luis.. but today when we got to the top of that grade and i saw what was going to be our new home my heart raced, my lungs opened and i could breathe again. i already feel closer to seth knowing that we are on this adventure together. its an amazing feeling to get away to a place where everyone hasn't known you since you were young, i forgot what it was like. its so good to have that feeling that its just me and seth, our family on our own, in our own place.... i can't wait.

here are some pictures, the only difference is ours has carpet and they're putting it in brand new right now. there's no picture of the room that will be ours, but its the same, it just has two closets and its own bathroom. also we have a wrap around patio and its HUGE. awesome.

i dont mind if you think i'm crazy.

but i mind if you think i have herpes. (im not talking genital, though i would mind that also)

so maybe a week ago i cut the corner of my mouth on a tortilla.
let me go ahead and answer your first three questions...

1. yes, a tortilla.

2. no, not a tortilla chip.

3. it was whole wheat.

you know, its nothing against people who get cold sores, i just dont want to come across like i do get them, when i dont. so if you see me in the near future know that i dont have herpes, i'm just a super aggressive burrito eater.

i dont even know if cold sores are strictly from herpes, i just know they're associated.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


i cleaned ara's room yesterday, and it had been A WHILE. i used to clean it ever night before she went to bed and pick up throughout the day.. lately its been.... well a little too crazy. anyway she was at the park when i cleaned... when she got home she ran into her room spun around and said 'wow! my room! so nice and clean!!!'

then she went out on the balcony a bit later after being out there for a minute she popped just her head in and said 'mama it sooooo nice outside!'

this morning she was eating some crackers and she got nola to hold one and then did cheers with her cracker.

she also fell down and got hurt pretty bad yesterday, it was nar nar, she could barely cry and naturally while i comforted her i said 'oh baby, its ok!' and she mustered up the strength to yell 'i not a baby!! i a big giiiiiirrrlll'

its getting crazy to me how she just talks with us, shes such a little person with her own opinions and thoughts that are so awesome to hear. she's hilarious. i love it.

nola started her cloth diapers yesterday, its just been too crazy up til now... so here we go! i forgot how much i love them when the poop that is in them isn't just like a grown ups poop in a diaper.

and arabella and her latest crush.

big kids on a big kid couch with a huge ass horse.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

thanks polly.

this is all i want. it makes my heart warm. and also makes me blind with jealous rage.

i guess i'm as sick as simon.

because i can't get enough of the bush baby.

the hills.

we're outta here.

we're going to Agoura Hills.

seth got a job in LA doing graphic design that pays well and has full benefits, he's also been working with a publishing company trying to figure out what the best way is for him to start getting songs placed in shows/commercials etc. he'll still be working with 805collective, but the reason we will be leaving is mainly for the music, but the job is wonderful because it gives us stable income while he works on music. it will be so good for us to be down there so he can play shows as much as possible and 'network' haha sick. we're both so incredibly excited. we found an apartment already and everything. so we'll be leaving within the few days after seth's jan 29th show (which means EVERY one of you better be there!!), the job starts feb 1st and our apartment is leased from the 28th!

seth and i are so excited and though ara doesnt know what she's excited about shes been jumping around the house yelling 'i soooo excited!!!'

there ya have it. the news.

if anyone's looking for place in atascadero let us know! and check out our craigslist :)

just a little bit longer...

i still cant write on here whats going on. annoying i know, but not my fault...

im just writing this to ask if any of our friends have boxes they dont need... let me know.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

my besties.

these are my very best friends. yes, all our heads are mixed up... which only makes it better.

i know i've written on here before about how i dont have a very best friend that i've known my whole life... but i am realizing more and more that i'm thankful i dont have that but in exchange somehow have two of the very best friends that i haven't known my whole life, but feel like i have... women i would circle the globe for if they needed me.... karl and josh, you guys are pretty super kick ass too. i dont think anyone understands me like the people in this picture do and even though josh and flo live across the country and we might be an atascadero memory very soon no distance or time could change what seth and i have found in these 4 people.

today i was losing it. i felt defeated and alone. i wont describe the many reasons i was there, but i was and all i needed was erin and flo or even just one of them. flo lives in nashville... i hadn't hung out with erin in what seems like eternity, but really has only been a little over a week i think. i texted her and told her i just needed a hug. any one of the people in the above picture would tell you, that means it was VERY VERY serious. skylana NEVER needs a hug. i just got back from erins house and i am grounded again. there is nothing as wonderful for me in the world than having someone truly understand me and love me despite all of 'it'. erin does. i dont think i could shock her if i tried, flo either... and i find so much peace in that i dont think i can even describe it. i may not have been there on that fateful day when these two wonderful best friends met each other but i'm beyond thankful they came together and long after were brought to me, they are a part of my heart.

i need.

to get out of this town.

i have yet to be able to actually post what's going on. but i will.

the more time goes on the more i can feel the ache in my heart getting stronger that i just need to get away.

we will see.

Friday, January 9, 2009

i'm so sick

of weirdness.

and feeling 'cut out'.

we aren't invited to our friends wedding. he is my ex, from 5 and half years ago. he is good friends with seth and we have had nothing but a nice respectful relationship since we broke up... i wouldnt think of him as an 'ex' i just think of him as an old friend. anyway i know that most people aren't like me when it comes to this, blah blah blah, but it just really stresses me out how everyone seems to be on the defense when it comes to their relationships.... yet there's no offense. seth was really sad about it because he considers this person a good friend... i'm sad because i've always tried to maintain good/cordial relationships with people i have dated, and people seth has dated, because they're not just 'exes' they're a part of our life story, a part of our history and a part of who we are today. i understand his position, because he has to respect his soon to be wife, i dont understand her position... i would if like.. him and i talked a lot maybe? or if we dated like last year? or if i wasn't married? or if i was married but didn't have two kids? if she had met me when i looked super hot not when i was super knocked up?.... anyway this kind of thing just stresses me out inside, it makes me feel sick and yucky. we are all people and we're just people trying to love other people... so until there's need for a good defense, lets put down our guns and be friends? because i'm not out to get anyones man, especially one i've dated... that super super didn't work out... i just want to have good relationships with people around me. i want to love.

i feel sad inside.

good girls

i'm so proud of arabella and nola. they have been so good. we had to go to the social security office this week? last week? i dont remember, but anyway arabella sat in her chair the WHOLE time and was super sweet. even when i had to nurse nola she stayed in her seat and listened to me... and lately we've gone to barnes and noble a few times and its something i've been needing for soooo long, i love to just go and read magazines and i haven't been able to do that in so long... now i take them and arabella picks out a bunch of books we sit at a table and she goes through all of them page by page and makes up stories... i read magazines and nola just chills. its amazing. i can go downtown with both of them and have nola in the stroller and ara walking with me and its not crazy AT ALL.... she listens to me! and we walk around, go to barnes and noble go to starbucks just hang out, i can open doors by myself somehow while holding her hand and maneuvering the stroller into the building... wild. i know this wont last long because before i know it nola will not be the age for sitting still, but i'm really enjoying it and im so proud of arabella.

we've made our decision.

i will post about what that is exactly as soon as people who need to know before everyone knows.. know. but we are putting our condo up for rent... check it out.

i'm sorry britney

if i ever judged you a bad mother for things like not buckling in your child.

yesterday i drove almost ALL the way to san luis before i realized ara was not even REMOTELY buckled in.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

when i first saw you

arabella is standing on a chair in the kitchen next to seth.

she starts to sing her own little melody...

'when i first saw you i close my eyes, no donuts, i really excited'

stops and says 'i wrote dat song. no nola.'

we asked her to sing it again and again, same words every time.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


i really am a hairstylist.

so i went to school to do hair. the aveda institute. i didn't finish.
i cut hair my whole life, my own, my moms... random people. its something that i've always felt like i knew how to do. i look at someones hair and it just comes to me, i dont feel super secure in doing it, but i know its there so i trust my hands, and somehow they've never failed me. i've always been good at math and for some weird reason hair is like math to me it just makes sense. every time i cut someones hair i start to panic because i wonder if i can really do a cut they'll like... then i cut it and i've never had someone not like it... and usually people have me do it more than once. i've also gotten a lot of statements like 'this is so much better than my hairstylist!' everyone also tells me i should just start doing friends hair and charging them to make extra money... i know its kind of illegal... but as long as they know, is it? anyway... i think i'll do that... its not a commitment so i dont feel terrified of it and its fun as long as i'm getting some kind of payment for it.

its cool that i am naturally good at something.

thanks trav

for introducing me to my new favorite thing.

this will be perfect for my favorite things show.

here's something i can hope in.

my mother in law cut this article out for me. love it.

Jennifer Block: Better childbirth? Lower costs? Midwives deliver

The current U.S. maternity-care system is not serving us well. Fortunately, there's a solution.


Some health-care trivia: In the United States, what is the No. 1 reason people are admitted to the hospital? Not diabetes, not heart attack, not stroke. The answer is something that isn't even a disease: childbirth.

Not only is childbirth the most common reason for a hospital stay -- more than 4 million American women give birth each year -- it costs the country far more than any other health condition. Six of the 15 most frequent hospital procedures billed to private insurers and Medicaid are maternity-related. The nation's maternity bill totaled $86 billion in 2006, nearly half of which was picked up by taxpayers.

But cost hasn't translated into quality. We spend more than double per capita on childbirth than other industrialized countries, yet our rates of preterm birth, newborn death and maternal death rank us dismally in comparison. Last month, the March of Dimes gave the country a "D" on its prematurity report card; California got a "C," but 18 other states and the District of Columbia, where 15.9 percent of babies are born too early, failed entirely.

The United States ranks 41st among industrialized nations in maternal mortality. And there are unconscionable racial disparities: Black mothers are three times more likely to die in childbirth than white mothers.

In short, we are overspending and undeserving women and families. If the United States is serious about health reform, we need to begin, well, at the beginning. The problem is not access to care; it is the care itself. As a new joint report by the Milbank Memorial Fund, the Reforming States Group and Childbirth Connection makes clear, American maternity wards are not following evidence-based best practices. They are inducing and speeding up far too many labors and reaching too quickly for the scalpel: Nearly one-third of births are now by Caesarean section, more than twice what the World Health Organization has documented is a safe rate. In fact, the report found that the most common billable maternity procedures -- continuous electronic fetal monitoring, for instance -- have no clear benefit when used routinely.

The most cost-effective, health-promoting maternity care for normal, healthy women is midwife-led and out-of-hospital. Hospitals charge from $7,000 to $16,000, depending on the type and complexity of the birth. The average birth-center fee is only $1,600 because high-tech medical intervention is rarely applied and stays are shorter. This model of care is not just cheaper; decades of medical research show that it's better. Mother and baby are more likely to have a normal, vaginal birth; less likely to experience trauma, such as a bad vaginal tear or a surgical delivery; and more likely to breast-feed. In other words, less is actually more.

The Obama administration could save the country billions by overhauling the American way of birth.

Consider Washington, where a state review of licensed midwives (just 100 in practice) found that they saved the state an estimated $2.7 million over two years. One reason for the savings is that midwives prevent costly Caesarean surgeries: 11.9 percent of midwifery patients in Washington ended up with C-sections, compared with 24 percent of low-risk women in traditional obstetric care.

Currently, just 1 percent of women nationwide get midwife-led care outside a hospital setting. Imagine the savings if that number jumped to 10 percent or even 30 percent. Imagine if hospitals started promoting best practices: giving women one-on-one, continuous support, promoting movement and water immersion for pain relief, and reducing the use of labor stimulants and labor induction. The C-section rate would plummet, as would related infections, hemorrhages, neonatal-intensive-care admissions and deaths. And the country could save some serious cash. The joint Milbank report conservatively estimates savings of $2.5 billion a year if the Caesarean rate were brought down to 15 percent.

To be frank, the U.S. maternity-care system needs to be turned upside down. Midwives should be caring for the majority of pregnant women, and physicians should continue to handle high-risk cases, complications and emergencies. This is the division of labor, so to speak, that you find in the countries that spend less but get more.

In those countries, a persistent public health concern is a midwife shortage. In the United States, we don't have similar regard for midwives or their model of care. Hospitals frequently shut down nurse-midwifery practices because they don't bring in enough revenue. And although certified nurse midwives are eligible providers under federal Medicaid law and mandated for reimbursement, certified professional midwives -- who are trained in out-of-hospital birth care -- are not. In several state legislatures, they are fighting simply to be licensed, legal health care providers.

Barack Obama could be, among so many other firsts, the first birth-friendly president. How about a Midwife Corps to recruit and train the thousands of new midwives we'll need? How about federal funding to create hundreds of new birth centers? How about an ad campaign to educate women about optimal birth?
America needs better birth care, and midwives can deliver it.

Jennifer Block is the author of "Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care." She wrote this article for the Los Angeles Times.

and here's another article flo found while she was helping me find this one online.

super cool new trick

so ara's been able to drink cows milk for a few months and she hasn't really had soy milk...

we ran out of cows milk yesterday and i forgot to go to the store, so this morning i gave her soymilk.

she thinks she's drinking chocolate milk.


now she can have 'chocolate milk' without any meltdowns later.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


people ALWAYS ask where i got all my amazing party dishes... cake stand... ice holder... drink cups... decanters
i got them at north county consignment. crazy. they always have the most beautiful vintage kitchen stuff for really cheap. i used to go every week and i've been on a break since i got rull preg... im back in the game!

i got this thing, i dont know what it is. i always do that. seth hates it. i just buy pretty things that i dont know what they are... cause i'm sure i could find a use for something so pretty.

i got 6 of these wine glasses because i loved them, and we NEED wine glasses so that when people come over we dont have to debate which one to give to accident prone guests, 'my favorite glass or the glass i used when i was being proposed to.. hmmm'

i got this blue thing.

and this amazing vest.

where have all the readers gone?

so.. i used to have 300-400 of you reading every day... it has slipped... between 200 and 300 now. i've been wondering why this is, how i could lose that many readers... is it because i'm not as 'controversial' as i used to be, or as people used to think i was?

i'll try to work on it. just come back.

Monday, January 5, 2009


the avilas came over for dinner last night and travis asked me this:

'why dont you believe in the bible, like do you have list of reasons?'
(way to be intense trav... jay slash)

if you know me, you already know what happened after that...

a whirlwind of questions and thus an intense conversation that because we are parents ;) didn't get to get finished.

anyway during the conversation i said how all my life i've hoped in jesus and when that changed i didnt know where to put my hope. i went through a long time of feeling completely hopeless and terrified. i said that i felt like i was starting to get hope back in the things i've come to believe are true, but that i still feel hopeless a lot... and for some reason i felt really embarrassed that i didn't have something to put my hope in and feel sure of, i felt myself blush when i said i got hopeless. i felt like a sad lonely little girl telling a grown up that i had done something wrong.

all day my heart has ached and i've been on the verge of tears. today was a day that i was living inside my head, a very very loud place on days like this. i do think that i have a small amount of hope, my hope is that God is real and that he is good. that is all that i can believe i can put any hope in but it doesn't make me feel any safer than if i even let that go. then i started to think about if it matters if what you believe is true or not, i mean we can never know but is the point of believing something just that it gives you hope and therefore changes who you are? and should i just choose to believe what seems like the most likely possibility even if none of the religious ones seem very possible? can you just choose to believe what you want? or is belief something that happens to you? i believe that religion is a man made system that is just there for us, to make us feel safe, to feel ok, to feel like we have some purpose. which on one hand can seem foolish... to cling to something just to make yourself feel significant, but on the other hand does that really matter if thats the thing that makes you want to be good and to love?

i dont believe that jesus is God, i dont feel that i could make myself believe that he is, something would have to change in my heart... i dont feel like i need some proof... i just dont feel like i can make myself believe it. but today just made me want that security again. that feeling where you believe something so much you just follow it. it takes a lot for me to follow anything. if i dont find religion and the only answer i have for the rest of my life (that still is not a sure one) is that God is real and he is good, will that be enough to put my hope in to get me through? i feel like i have more hope in humanity than in deity, will that be enough? will i always feel unsafe?

if i could make myself believe in jesus does that mean i'd have to believe the bible? if i believed the bible how would i know what i believed about it? i dont want my life to revolve around a book that i dont even understand... that no one really understands.

i like who i am, i like that i question things and that i think about them for myself.. but sometimes i just want to have a brain that stops at one answer and believes it, whether its true or not, just so i could feel safe. so i could feel bigger, more important.

this is the hardest thing i've faced in my life... trying to understand who God is to me. i dont think i'll ever feel like i've arrived at the answer to that. i do love having hope in humanity, which i never had as a christian, because you are constantly taught not to.... letting go of that has made me see life, relationships, and people all so different than i did before.

i feel smaller than i have ever felt in my life, i feel unsafe and i feel embarrassed that i feel hopeless. i know i contradict myself constantly because i know i dont have any answers.

the only reason i think about this is to find answers, i want answers so i can have hope but i dont believe i can find answers here, only 'best possibilities' and i dont think i can settle for that. i just dont want to feel alone anymore. i think i've felt alone the past year because i dont know anyone who feels the way i do about God and the world, my whole life i had people surrounding me who believed the same thing and now i dont have one. my friends are amazing and i respect everything they believe, i love talking about this stuff but it gets lonely, it gets exhausting, sometimes you just want someone to relate to. this, above all else is what makes me want to move away. i dont know why i think i'll find people who relate to me somewhere else.. who knows. anyway that's not the point.

the point is hope, what is hope? who do we put our hope in? and will i find it again?

deep shit huh?

Sunday, January 4, 2009

and love on a serious note.

i believe that love should set you free.

seth makes me more me. the way he loves me sets me free. its like his love brought me back to the person i was born to be, i've been broken by life and put up defenses all around my heart.... but seth came and told me how much love i had inside. i didn't believe him, i've always felt like my love had run dry, and as much as i wanted to love i didn't feel i had the capacity. then we became friends. we were friends with everyone. him and i would spend every second of our day becoming friends with people and listening to them and loving them. whenever we hung out all we wanted to do was love our friends and make new ones. ... i dated luke and i lost it again. he hated that about me, he wanted me quiet and being the young naive girl i was i became what he wanted. and only now do i feel like i'm finding me again. the one who wants to be surrounded by people all the time and to love them and understand them just for the sake of humanity. seth and i were made to be together and we were made to love together. he wants me to be friends with anyone i want to hang out with because he believes that as humans all that is important is that we have relationships with whoever we find goodness with. if that makes sense. and i feel the same. seth is not mine. he is his own person and i am my own, but we are meant to be with each other and meant to love others together. i want to do whatever i can to help seth love others and build friendships, him the same. im just so thankful i married someone who feels this way, who has taught me what true unconditional freeing love is and has brought me back to myself over and over.

love is meant to set us free, not hold us back... i believe its meant to makes us more of who we are. seth has done that for me.

im really excited to be back where i was when seth and i first became friends because there was nothing better in the world than the feeling i got when him and i loved our friends together. i finally again feel like i have an infinite amount of love stored inside my heart and i just want to give it away to anyone i can.

in love. i'm in love.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

testing my fears.

i feel like yesterday and maybe today my fears and my anxiety are being tested.

my three biggest fears are
my daughters getting sexually abused
something happening to seth
and puke (i know i know, this one is called an 'irrational fear')

it started with that dream i woke up from yesterday morning, then there was a while yesterday when i was trying to get ahold of seth and couldn't, which is not out of the ordinary... but then none of his friends had been able to either and they were all supposed to go to a show together... i was headed to slo so i thought i'd just stop by his office and tell him what i needed to tell him thinking he just couldn't hear his phone. he wasn't there. i went the two other places he usually always is if he's not at his office and he wasn't at either of those. after i had been wondering where he was for 2 and half hours he called. he had been in montana de oro. random. for a bit i could have completely lost it, which sounds insane, but when its your biggest fear panic takes over long before it should.... anyway i was able to stay the most composed that i ever have in that kind of a situation... and then i talked to erin b who told me lane had had the stomach flu the night before. which seems totally harmless except that even if i haven't even seen someone if i hear they have the stomach flu i usually go into a full blown panic attack. i didn't. i was able to sleep last night... then seth came home and said his stomach hurt (he says its from not sleeping, i dont know if he's just lying to me to help me not be afraid... ) and ara woke up at 5 in a horrid mood saying her tummy hurt. surprisingly i've remained unusually calm. i gave ara some sparkling water with a bit of juice in it, water and plain bread, pasta and remedies... she seems to be feeling way better already. i'm wondering if she just woke up super hungry and super tired and didn't know what to do with herself.. she kept grabbing the back of her neck and saying it hurt too, i dont know what that was all about. anyway if you know me at all you know that this is AMAZING that i can even just be composed through this stuff. i'm so thankful that my anxiety really is getting better. i hope it stays this way. ... and i hope that i can help all my friends who have the same anxiety from different things... we dont have to deal with this. we are stronger than that. i know it!

oh and super cute... ara LOVES charlie and lola on disney because she thinks her sisters name is lola and when it comes on she says 'like my sister lola!'

Friday, January 2, 2009

the middle place

i've heard of this book and wanted to read it.

aunt lisa posted this video on her facebook.

it made me cry.

and you know thats not normally my style.

i mean really

i dont even know. i'm so freakin bored. let me upload some pics. sick... 'pics'.

i LOVE these sisters!!!!!!!!!!!

me and my girls


and she IS the man. dont i look like a man in this picture? i feel like i look like a man.

trust no one.

every once in a while i have these terrible dreams, and i had one last night.

i dream that arabella gets molested or raped. they're the most real dreams and its by a variety of different people doing it to her in the different dreams. it happens, i feel devastated (a complete understatement) i know i should have found a way to protect her and i couldn't. its never the type of situation that seems easy to avoid, its always a situation where no one would have ever thought it would have happened. when i see her after it happens she looks different, i know she's my arabella, but she's not the same because i know exactly what has been stolen and exactly what her life will look like now. its like i can see right into her soul and find where a piece of her is now missing and my whole body aches. i ache because no matter what now i cant change it. i just mull over the fact that i wanted it to be completely in my control and it wasnt. i always kind of know its a dream but i cant wake up til it lets me. when i wake up i need seth to tell me over and over that we will protect her and it wont happen.. but deep in my heart i will never feel sure, because you never can. when this kind of thing happens to you there is trust lost that i dont know can ever be restored. its like the person i am here has a certain capacity to trust and it can seem like i trust someone completely but inside beyond my consciousness part of me is still missing and in that place i know that no one can be trusted. i know that i can protect her better than i was protected, but there comes a point where its not in our control, like anything, and i just can't handle that. it makes me feel crazy. at some point i have to just trust... who do i trust though? is God really working in our lives that much that we can ask for protection? and even if we do that doesn't mean we are going to get it, so what are we trusting? trusting in protection or trusting that if that happens it was meant to? seth is as understanding as i think anyone that can't relate can be.. but i know its hard for him to understand, hard for him to see why i wont even trust someone that's proven their whole entire life that they are nothing but trust worthy... because for me its not about who it is or what they've proven, they're the same as everyone else. its hard to explain to a normal person that there's just no way i can trust the way they do, it seems insane in my mind, because i got broken by someone. its not seth's fault that he can't understand completely and its not my fault that i can't trust.

its theirs.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

my friends.

i have the most amazing friends.

lately i just feel an overflowing crazy amount of love for my friends.

i feel like i am just surrounded with friends who are just really amazing people, like i dont really even have words to describe them all.

i love flo and josh so much and miss and having g&t's with them and eating kettle chips.. i love having holidays with brook and simon... i love having amazing dinners with erin and karl.. i love having erin h come over anytime and i love that she's just next door... i love sharing the memories of our babies with erin b. ... i'm excited to have new friends like amy robinson and the avilas... i'm just so grateful to have all these people in my life and i just feel so loved, so comfortable and so good when i'm with all of them.

i love all of you so very much.

there was a little girl who had a little curl...

right in the middle of her forehead.

'punk face'

'model face'

'cute thing'



'funny face'


if this little girl doesn't look like seth to you, you must be crazy.....