Wednesday, January 13, 2010

finally free

i'm pretty sure every fragment of every tiny religious christian chain that had held me hostage has been broken, and completely dissolved.

its taken me 4 years to get here and there's not even a small amount of regret, fear, doubt or guilt left. it takes a long time to get the voices of others out of your head, especially when it comes to something as close to the heart as spirituality, especially when you've been hearing things as "absolute truth" for years, especially when those same voices in agreement with each other have had a way of making you feel like you are the crazy one.

it takes a long time to separate yourself from the people you inevitably have to separate from because there is no love, grace, or understanding.

but i'm there.

moving has helped a lot, coming to a place where people have a lot more in common with me has shown me just how tiny my old town is. its amazing to feel like i'm the normal one. for the first time, maybe even in my entire life, i feel like i'm the normal one. its so freeing i can barely describe it. i feel like a new person and i feel completely secure in my beliefs and my life, completely secure in the things that i desire, and completely secure in who i am.

i'm finally to the point where people still wanting and hoping that i will be a christian doesn't bother me. it doesn't threaten me because its not even close to an option for me and i dont feel afraid of that anymore. for a long time i had chosen what i believed or didn't believe but still had this pang of fear that if i'm wrong, i'm screwed, or that all these christians were right, that one day i would "come back" to the "truth" or whatever. i could still be wrong, but i'm not afraid of that anymore because i have come to a place where i truly believe in something, i dont doubt it. i'm not afraid of being made to be a christian again because i realize now i have control over that and i never ever have to call myself something again. ever. when i had been a christian before it was all at the beck and call of others, it was all for them. i felt like from the beginning i was being made to be something i wasn't. i felt like the adults around me had convinced me that this is what i had to know despite what i felt inside. i felt like the ones i wanted around me wouldn't love me if i didn't try to be this thing i wasn't.

its still a bit hard for seth and i because there are some very core things we just dont agree on, things we just dont see eye to eye on and never will. the good thing about us is that we are both understanding and want to understand each other no matter what. its hard to know that there are places that are very important to us where we will just never connect. they're not the most important things in the world but they are important to me and its hard to really realize there is probably no gaining ground on them. there will most likely never be a resolution between us. on one hand that's completely fine, its ok. on the other its a bit sad, its a small loss of a certain connection. i dont know what this is like for other married couples, most the couples i know have the same core beliefs. i'm interested in any of you that dont and want to share how it is for you.

at the same time, i have made friends. friends that are great and friends that i have these connections with, and that means more to me than i could ever express. its been so long since i have felt this kind of true connection when it comes to spirituality and beliefs. i'm so thankful i made my way out of that tiny town i hold so dear, because leaving has brought me back to myself with all masks hung up forever.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

our home

we are all settled into our new place and we LOVE it.
we love that its close to everything we could need,
like walking distance.
we love that its three bedrooms.
we love that it has a park in the complex.
we love that it has a washer and dryer.
we love that it has a cute little yard.
we love how we are decorating it.

this is the first time since we got married four years ago
that we are actually making a space our own.
when we first got married we only had furniture handed down to us.
it was pretty but not completely our style.
when we first moved down here we intended on decorating,
but with all that happened this year we just didn't care.

now we have moved, the atmosphere is clear and happy.
we are together and happy.

here is our home.

the little yard.
where i have started, just barely started, a space for a veggie garden.
where arabella rides her hello kitty bike.
where my girls have tea parties at their tiny table.

our dinning room.
where we can now enjoy the company of all our friends over food.

our kitchen.
that actually holds all the things we have.

the living room.
that feels like home.

arabellas room.
her first big bed.
her first big girl room all to herself.
where she sleeps.
all through the night.

nolas room.
we have yet to bring her crib over,
but she sleeps happily in her porta crib for now.
this is her very first time sleeping without her big sister.

our room.
my absolute favorite place in the world.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Books for ara

Whenever I read to arabella about princesses and princes I think the same thing "why is the girl always being saved by a guy? And Why aren't there books about two princes or two princesses?". As I'm sure all my readers know I really really want Arabella to be comfortable with all different kinds of families. Seth and I both do. We want books for her about kids who only have one parent, we want books about families who have adopted, we want books about same sex parents, and we want books with girls being strong without a guy rescuing them.

As much as we teach her in life it's important to make sure that what we read to her everyday backs those things up. Books make such a huge impression on her. If we try to convey that it's good that we are all different and that she is strong and doesnt need to be saved by a guy but only read to her about one family type or about getting rescued by a prince, we're sending her mixed signals.

I found this site ( and I'm really excited because there are a few books we really want on here. I'm sure that next I'll find good books with single parent families, interracial families and adoptive families.

I love love love being able to teach a sweet little girl how to love all people and accept all people. It's the best feeling for me.

Sorry the link is just straight up, it's my iPhone.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

are we evil?

do you think we're all evil? that we're all sinful at heart? do you think we're all good and the evil in the world corrupts us? do you think everyone is different? some people good, some people bad...?

i go back and forth between us all being good and being corrupted by the evil that exists separate from us, and the idea that we are born good and evil.

i can look at anyone, hitler... pedophiles, and see the good in them. i can think and analyze and obsess over what their life was like, why they did what they did... never thinking it was ok, but understanding that we could all be capable of horrific things if we endured our own horrific experiences. at the same time i can look at them and have no grace what so ever. i can be so sure inside my own heart that i would never, under any circumstances, do the terrible things they did or do. does that mean i'm better? does that mean i am inherently less evil than them? and how can i know i wouldn't? i can't know that. i can believe it, i can stake my life on it... but i can't know that i am truly better than anyone else, not even a pedophile.

i do this with my own mother, i think about how bad of a mother she was and how i would never do the same. i look at people who have gone through the same things as me who decide to still be bad people and i look down on them. i look down on them because if i can be better, they can too. they just dont try hard enough. but could i really be the same as them if i was in their exact circumstance? whose to say? no one.

i have always had this battle inside me. on one hand i pitty people i think are bad... pedophiles, bad parents, evil dictators, killers, abusers. and on the other hand, i think they're disgusting and vile. i think they are heartless and so separated from me. but maybe they're not. maybe we're the same, only i have better circumstance... or i have better judgment, or better endurance, or higher intelligence, or just one trait that helped me through.

i do choose to believe that i am better, that people are better. i believe that people are for the most part good, that we are born good and loving. i choose to believe that there is some evil that is separate from us that corrupts us. or maybe there is evil in us, but it is small for most. it is a shadow on our heart. i dont believe we are all sinful or evil by nature. but i can always be wrong.

i think most people do believe they are better than the people we see as "evil" but they dont say flat out that they are better people. i think seth is better than me, but i am better than others.

the fact that i can see good in pretty much anyone and everyone is something i like about me, but at the same time its weird because i can admit to myself that i could be capable of anything those people have been capable of. if i can understand them, if i can have grace enough to get why a person would have so much hate or feel so much shame or hurt or whatever, does that mean i could be capable of those things in their situation? i can make myself understand and relate to any person no matter how good or evil. somehow that's good, but at the same time feels unnerving. most people i talk to can't understand the evil they see in others, can't imagine under any circumstances that they themselves could be just as wretched. i can. does that make me evil or compassionate?


back to the secret life of the american teenager... such a thought provoking show....