Saturday, February 28, 2009

beach days are my favorite.

starbucks toilet.

that's where my phone was yesterday.

i bent over to wipe ara with my purse over my shoulder and it fell out and into the toilet.

i just stood there for like a minute trying to decide if i should stick my hand in and get it or just leave it.. i knew it was broken, no question. i dont have insurance on it, and insurance would not have covered that anyway. i got it out.

so, if i know you in real life.... email me your number.

i wont have a phone for the next few days... and when i do, i'll have a new number... so dont even try to call me or text me suckkkas!!!

Friday, February 27, 2009

my sweet nola.

here are some fun facts about nola...

1. she is ALWAYS cold. if its 80 outside and she's wearing anything less than long sleeves and pants she'll have cold limbs and goosebumps.

2. she has worn pajamas every day since she was born, except for christmas she wore a real outfit and i think two other times.

3. she has the best breath in the morning but when i un swaddle her, she smells gnarly... yet there's never anything in her diaper. she's a tooter.

4. she loves to bite, hates pacifiers. she gnaws on my hand like crazy.

5. shes a very good sleeper and she sleeps in very late.

6. she is mellow and sweet.

7. she's already ticklish.

8. her laugh sounds exactly like her cry.

9. she's obsessed with being swaddled very very tightly.

10. her toes are so long they can wrap half way around my pinky.

maybe its because i know i'll never have another baby, or maybe its because i know what its like to have a two year old... but i really really appreciate her baby-ness. i feel like i enjoy her being a baby a lot more than i did ara... i dont take for granted the things about her that are easy and laid back.. i just enjoy them. i'm not in a rush to see what she will be like when she's old or to hear her voice or see her walk. i like who she is right now. this morning we were all awake and she was still asleep, like every morning, and i just couldnt wait to see her precious smile. its crazy how her smile means something totally different to me than ara's because even though they're both my daughters, they are not the same. they are two totally different people that i love in their different ways.

i'm so thankful for what she means to me and how dearly i love and appreciate her. i was so afraid that i couldn't love another child, especially when i wasn't ready to have another... but i proved myself wrong. i am blown away everyday by the massiveness of my love for her. i not only love her but i just really like her baby personality, she is already so different from ara and its nice to have variety... hahaha. she is not spicy at all. she is pure sugar. im in love.

and yes those red marks are more bite marks from the big girl. sad.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

i want.

this junior high boy


seriously its official.

she took a nap today without a diaper on.

and didnt wake up wet .

i'm just in shock. i mean didn't i write like last week about her hating the toilet!??! what the heck? i'm so happy.

also, i just asked her where she wants to go cause i wanna go out and do something and she was like 'i wanna go downtown' and i was like 'um.. we live far away from downtown now' and she said 'i wanna go in the car to downtown...'

sorry kiddo... by the time we get there... wed have to come right back!

pammy jean

if you know me now, you know that i am not jealous or insecure. seth could probably kiss another girl and i woulndt feel jealous. i just dont have that in me anymore... but i wasnt always so sure of myself and of our relationship (ive always been sure of seths love). though im sure its hard to believe there was a time that i was insecure.

when seth and i started dating he was recording the eager seas album... he had written two songs for pam, the lovely lady he dated before me. i liked pam, and i was glad they had dated... but i wasnt excited about an album with two songs about another girl coming out while seth and i were engaged... i thought it would promote endless questions.

he changed the lyrics to both of these songs.

the songs are
all that i cant keep and broken man

i cant remember what broken man was called but it was the cutest song and all that i cant keep was called pammy jean and was probably the second cutest song. i now regret worrying about the lyrics at all. those songs, in my heart, were meant to be the way they were and thats how i love them. seths gonna try and find the recordings in their original beauty. i hope he does because i can barely remember the lyrics now.

i hate that i didn't understand at the time that it was ok. those songs documented a part of his life, a part of his life that i love and am so thankful for. plus they were about pam and i just really like her. being jealous and insecure is stupid, and pointless.

people really love broken man and all that i can't keep and its cool that those songs got to be songs at all... but at the same time for me... they're not real. they're like masks.

so there's some watashi wa trivia.
and some young skylana ridiculousness.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

best week ever.

i should not even be saying this.. but i'm too excited to keep it in.

hopefully the universe will have mercy on me and defy jinxing laws this time.

this week since we were in san luis ara's been sleeping through the night again! AND... waking up at 630 or 7!

shes always been pretty good about going down for bed but lately shes totally awake when we leave at bed time or nap time and she waves and says nigh night when we walk out... then just goes to sleep....

ok before you start shitting your pants let me finish....

all of a sudden shes potty training herself!! straight up. its super cute because she can go get her chonies and put them on by herself and take them off and use her stool to get up on the toilet herself. shes pooped once in her diaper the past three days!

also shes very private, she wants me in there but she hides behind the curtain to go.... what a presh.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

themes that take me back.

these are the theme songs that make my heart warm.. do any of you remember these?

(my ultimate favorite)

ummmmm did they completely rip off....

hall and oats or what???????

i think i pretty much know EVERY word to every one of these songs.. and who couldnt LOVE the slap base on the alf theme song? i'd just like to ask.. 'what the hell happened to all our kick ass theme songs!?!?!??!' now we just get songs that are already on the radio as our themes. but back then it was heart to heart... people would write songs for that specific show (obviously except for the life goes on theme, but since its a beatles cover, doesn't count).... i miss the quality of our old theme songs... when we could watch a show and feel like time was devoted to making us feel like someone had put effort into making us feel welcome when we sat down to watch our favorite show.

obviously tv has always been a big part of my life. it was my family growing up.


there's an ugly button to the right... but you can also go here if you are on facebook and would like to follow my blog there. i'd love it.

i found it

our favorite park. its nice to have options down here, there are like 30 parks in a 3 mile radius. i'm really excited about this park, i mean to the point that i keep on talking about it to seth and asking him to please act really really excited about it.

my reasons for loving this park are 5 fold.

1. as you can see in the above photo, there is a gate surrounding the entire play area. this is invaluable for me. because if i have to nurse, arabella cannot escape and no one could easily get her away from me.

2. the bars on the playground are really close together, so she can't fall through. which has happened.

3. i love the size of the equipment because its big enough that its fun for her, but small enough that she can do everything by herself with out risk of injury and i can see where she is at all times.

4. it only has big girl swings, so she's learned how to swing in them and loves it.

5. its super close to our house.

6. its literally two doors down from seths work, so we can go there in the evening when she starts to lose it and seth can walk to meet us!

as nothing is perfect there is one sort of downfall.. it has sand. which if you know arabella.. isn't great. on the other hand its kind of good because she's learning that sand is ok, and maybe now she wont be the freak at preschool who wont walk in the sand.

Monday, February 23, 2009

this made me so happy.

i had goosebumps all over and almost cried.

love it.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

fun turned serious

my grandmother came to see my house this friday and i got some adorable pictures of her with the girls. she is so precious to me. we have become closer the past little while through talks on the phone and now i live close to her, which i'm really excited about because it means so much to me to be able to spend time with her as an adult.. to hear her stories and lock them away in my mind for my children.

then yesterday afternoon we went out to the biermanns house and nola and faye finally met face to face... they've met before but never noticed each other ;)

its so good to hang out with erin. theres nothing like other mother friends... except a mother friend with two kids who are EXACTLY the same age as yours. for me its a bond like nothing else, being able to go through the same things at the same time and look at each other and be reassured that no, we are not crazy and neither are our wild two year olds... and we are not alone. its good to hang out with someone and know you dont have to be any certain way or say any certain thing, just be and let your kids be... no one will be offended when your daughter pushes hers.. or when her daughter grabs your babies face... because there's so much understanding for exactly the place we're in... we're in the same place. i love them so much.

after that we went to my aunt cindy's house to see my family. i love us all getting together in her big house, letting the kids play, drinking wine and eating food. arabella sat at the kids table! it was the best moment since i gave birth to her so far... my first real moment of freedom from her. my grandma sang songs to me and my sister and my heart ached knowing that i need to save those moments in my heart because there will only be so many left.

its a bummer that it has to feel so uncomfortable with my mother there, but at least we can be cordial and i was able to spend my time with the other members of my family, who are wonderful wonderful people. my aunt laura brought magic hats and wands for the kids.. adorable.

arabella spent a bit of time at my aunt cindys house before we moved, having baths with doggies, teaching them to obey and playing in the mud... while enjoying this she fell in love with crates. cindy was kind enough to bring out arabellas favorite dog crate for her to play in.

then last night seth stayed here with the girls and i went out with amy. we went to black sheep and mcarthys and drank, smoked and talked. so good. she is my friend who gives me the outlet of a somewhat single life. being with her is so good because i can just have fun and not worry about children or husbands... we dont talk about baby things, which is very refreshing. i can live vicariously through her wild stories which are never lacking. she might be the funnest person i know. i'm only sad that we finally started hanging out right before i left. its crazy how much we have in common that we never knew. interesant.

this morning we had breakfast with erin, karl and soren. i love them. we've seen erin recently but its been a while since we've seen karl and let me just say there is nothing as presh as karl. we love him. that lil face. they have become our old faithfuls.. haha hopefully that doesnt sound bad.. because it is very good. we ate good omlettes and good french toast and said our see you laters.

my babies are sleeping now and i'm watching our childrens godparents in envy. having a calm peaceful sunday morning, listening to npr.. si reading, brook making crazy wild hair pieces. i feel bad giving my advice to never have children when they ask if its worth it... but when i see this i feel shock. shock that me and seth once had that because i feel like i can't reach far enough back in my mind to a time when we could be together in peace... where we could do what we wanted to do on a saturday without preparing little meals, putting on someone's tiny clothes, patting a back to put a little one to sleep, serving up time outs and making sure wherever we go she can run free without risk of something breaking, or she can be locked down. its amazing to see people living in peace and quiet and seeing it as normal life. i'm jealous. i tell them they're lucky, but really they're just smart.

you know a long time ago i had dreams of things, and its funny to think about how everyone has always said me and brook look like sisters, and now i feel when i look at her that i'm looking at my parallel life. the life i chose not to live, the life i gave up in my foolishness to hurry up. i've never said it to her, but she does all the things i always wanted to do. she is living the dreams i had so many years ago. i am thankful for my children and i know this intense part of mothering wont last forever but its hard to see what you feel you missed right in front of you and not think about it.

it only reminds me how much i want more to my life.

i will get there.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


i was born in southern california. i've spent most of my life in southern california. i used to think it was crazy to live anywhere past santa barbara. the past 8 years i had forgotten why i felt this way, every time i came to LA i felt dirty and smothered and just ached to get back to san luis. being in san luis i always felt like it was the most beautiful town. today i remembered why i love it here so very much. it was about the time i was driving through malibu canyon in the 75 degree weather with the sunroof open, the green hills around me, the mountains in my review mirror capped with snow and the ocean straight ahead. i am a through and through california girl that's for sure and i dont know what ever made me think for one second i could have moved away from my dear ocean. i'm alive again. the beach was amazing, arabella juts tootled around and was completely content staying away from the water, feeding ryan sandy chips instead. nola was happy on her blanket and i got to just sit in the sun and chat with my friend. its so good to be in a place where i fit in, easily and gracefully. i dont feel alone anymore and on top of it that place is gorgeous, has opportunities for my husbands dreams and a great stable job to support my family. i could be here for a long long time. .... (dont worry slo, i'll always love you)

california is my heart, it is so much a part of me and i'm so thankful i am from this beautiful place despite our bad spending habits and earthquakes....

the cutest thing to come from california? this lil bean.

one more thing

i should be oprah because i have a lot of favorite things...

this is one of them


ok lil grommits. i know 400 of you read last night. 2 comments? step it up.

oh and i've been meaning to say sorry that all my links on the side have become incredibly tiny.... i did something. seth needs to fix it... but he hasn't.

today i woke up, still insanely crazy wild tired dragging myself out of bed... even though nola only woke to eat at 245 and then 521. and both times for only like 10 minutes and then went right back to sleep... BUT i didn't wake up with a headache! amazing. i took my iron and b vits and fish oil yesterday, i'm seriously going to try and take them everyday. i HATE taking vitamins. they just taste so sick and i feel like i can taste my stomach after i have them. oh well.. worth it.

i hung out with my dear dear friend ryan yesterday. he is seriously the best. what a svweetheart. he got me and ara some drinks at coffee bean then held nola for a bit and made me promise i wouldnt feel like i was imposing on him if i asked him to come watch the girls. i promised. he's a good one. that helped the end of my day get happier. ... ara bit nola again.. i thought we had gotten past it cause it had been a few days since a bite.. but i was wrong. this left the biggest marks yet. sad. i went by an amazing preschool yesterday... its all up in the air.. i dont know what we're doing but i'm in love with the preschool i went to.

today becky, jake and i think kevin are coming down to hang out with me and the girls during the day and then going to get a friend from the airport at 9. i'm really really excited for them to come, arabella will be beside herself with joy... cant wait.

then tomorrow we're coming to slo!
so... if you are my friend in real life... text me. dont call. lets hang out cause seth's gonna be recording non stop.... lookout downtown here i come!

yesterday when we were driving on the freeway ara was like 'oh bye!!!! that was cameron and anna.'


and then she started yelling 'grandma!! paki!!! where are you????!!'

i love how she thinks they can hear her wherever they are.

well.. random blog.. just lettin ya'll know whats up.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

create me, kill me just dont clone me

all this has brought up questions that i think are good for all of us to ask ourselves...

its interesting to me that ivf could have been seen as something not controversial by some. i think it is clearly something that some people think is great and some people think is as scary as cloning. i think its interesting that christians would feel so strongly about something that others would see as trying to take control out of Gods hands and put it in our own... trying to be the ones who create life when its not coming from above.

my questions are.. who does create life? is it just God? if we have learned how through ivf, through cloning... does this mean we create life now too? or was that god? i know that no one knows these answers, but we all come to conclusions about what we think about it and that's why we have different opinions on things like in vitro fertilization, cloning, stem cells and abortion. it does seem silly to me to be so for in vitro fertilization and so against abortion, its ok to create life but not take it away? either way you are the one in control now, not God. in my opinion. i dont think either should be outlawed, but i dont think either is an ideal situation and both are looked at as more or less responsible compared to the other from different perspectives. i think people should certainly be allowed to have in vitro fertilization although i dont agree with it. i think people should be allowed to have abortions although i think they are sad and painful.

what we do with our bodies i believe is our business but in these situations it affects other people greatly, it even affects society as a whole. its good to think about these things and where we stand on them, not only for our own souls but in order to decide what kind of a society we want to be a part of and in turn choose to create around us.

as the line between who creates life ... between who takes life away... between who heals blurs more these questions will only become more of a concern in all of our lives. how do we want to deal with them? whether heated or not i love talking or starting conversation about issues like this because we could all afford to think more about the issues that shape who we become as a society.

who do you think creates life?
within cloning or ivf does your answer change?

sick or not sick

that is the question.

i dont know if i'm sick or not. is that weird?

i've been having headaches a lot and been CRAZY wild tired. seths been letting me sleep in til 8 i've been taking naps and i just feel tired ALL the time. i have some other things going on that remind me of pregnancy, but i'm pretty sure i'm not pregnant because on top of trying to not get pregnant i take sporadic pregnancy tests... i should take more though. just in case. i feel like i'm sick.. but i dont have sick symptoms... like a runny nose or congestion or a sore throat or a cough or anything.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

i'm a bitch

and im ok with that.

yes, i will explain.

i know i say things that come across to some people completely differently than what i meant. i know i say things sometimes in a way that seem super jacked up, but most the time if you take the time to ask me what i meant its not actually jacked up. i dont care if i say something and it hurts someones feelings, unless they care enough to ask me what i meant. i'm not like 'out' to hurt people, i just say what is in my mind the way i think it. im not willing to change this. maybe thats bitchy, maybe it means less people will like me, but the thing is i dont care.

heres why: the way that i express myself with thoughts straight to words is one of the biggest parts of who i am. its like a main thread in the fabric of who i am. sometimes it does suck for me too, but the good outweighs the bad and thats why i wont change this. i do have a filter for very important things, like my best friends and my family... which if we're really close i dont have to use very often, because they get me... they dont need explanations for the things i say or think. they understand its me and they love me.

if i say something and someone tells me it hurt them i will say im sorry that it hurt them... i will think long and hard about whether i would still back what i said even though it hurt, and most the time the answer is yes.

i get that this makes me selfish, in this area, but i dont actually see being selfish as a bad thing. there are times i think it is and times i dont. we all define what we think is selfish and what is not and when its ok to be selfish. but when it comes down to it we are all selfish in our own ways.

i dont expect people to change their opinions or the way they say things to make me feel better, and i dont think i need to change my opinion or how i say it to make others feel more comfortable. the only time i expect this kind of exchange is in close close relationship.

i feel like this past year has really made me realize what is important to me as far as how i interact with people and who i surround myself with. this isn't something i'm just throwing out there, this is something i have spent much time thinking and learning about, trying to understand. trust me i've been through the ringer trying to be something different for people. being separated from christianity, or what it was in the churches i've seen and what it was in the world around me has made me so much more comfortable in my own skin. i think its sad that as a christian i was constantly trying not to be who i really was because it wasn't what 'god wanted' for me... or it was my 'sinful nature'... i dont believe that stuff and i think its ridiculous that people make other people feel that way and say its God. i like who i am, there are things i want to change, and they will. but who i am in nature, who i am inside...i like, and i think if God really did make me, he must like it too... same with you.

i think its funny that people always want to tell me how being this way will make people stop listening or make people not want to be my friend... because number one, if who i am makes you not want to listen to me or like me.. um I DONT WANT YOU TO... and secondly i can't even count how many people like me because im this way, and how many people have written to me and said that they enjoy me being this way. so... you know? we're always going to offend someone in some way, we're all offensive. but why dont we just embrace who we are and worry about ourselves and how we want to express things. i wont worry about how you choose to express yourself and you dont worry about me, if you dont like my ways... turn away.. no ones stopping you.

Monday, February 16, 2009


i know it seems complicated.

my need for being understood isn't that i want people who dont get me now to start getting me... i just want to meet people who like me from the start.

that's why i struggle with wanting to be understood but not being willing to change the way i am for people.

i realized that today.

its been nice hanging out with people down here, i haven't shocked one person.

i think i only shock people who have known me for a long time and expect me to be what they've always known.

hot thrift

i started a new blog.

this will be my finds from thrift shops around LA and san luis, ideas on making super sweet outfits and suggestions on good thrift stores.

check it out playa

Sunday, February 15, 2009

relics from our past.

do you remember this?

brook and simon came in to town last night and brought some cute valentines presents for the girls. the onesie they gave nola reminded us of this shirt, and any of you who knew brook then, you know this shirt well. so tonight seth and i were talking about if there was an article of clothing for each of our friends from those days... or what we picture them in when we remember them back then....

we came together and made a list.

brook- sweet n low shirt and black bracelets.
seth- short black pants.
me- jeans made into bell bottoms.
bess- black tights and dock martin mary janes
zeb- jean jacket
danielle- we couldn't think of a repeated clothing article, but your volvo was dear to both of us. so... volvo.
amy stumph- black and red clothes and her a-line.
cameron- blue camo shirt and hemp necklace
andy- suit with stripped shirt
erin b- anything black
taylor - pomp
adam- girl jeans
luke- painter whites and tooth&nail jacket
kendall- black glasses and hoop earrings.
lane- overalls. carthart jacket.
roger- two collared shirts at a time.
mike- bright red collard shirt black pants black shoes black tie black hair.

ahhh the good ol days.

i'm so thankful i married someone who remembers those days. i dont know what i would do if i had to keep those memories all by myself.

Friday, February 13, 2009

sans diapers.

to all of you who told me you thought ara would potty train early, i think you jinxed me.

i dont know what to do with her. she DOES NOT want to try going on the toilet at all. she tells me when shes going to poop and pee but she never wants to do it on the toilet.

like for instance one time she said 'i hafta go poo poo'
i said 'do you want to go on the toilet?'
she said 'no. i'll go in my room.'
i was like 'um, are you sure... itd be really great if you went on the toilet'
'no, i'll go in my room'
'i mean, i can leave you alone in the bathroom and i'll close the door... you sure you dont wan to go on the toilet?'
'no, in my room'

she got down ran into her room, i walked by and saw her just standing in the middle of the room concentrating really hard on takin the crap in her diaper.

so moms... how did you do it? did any of you have a kid who knew they needed to go but didn't want to do it on the toilet?

fig + sage.


their contest. or maybe dont... so i have better odds of winning ;)

big huge grown up girl

today arabella put her boots on and zipped em up all by herself.

sometimes its even hard for me to put her boots on.

Thursday, February 12, 2009


she is getting more hilarious as time goes on... today we had this conversation

arabella: 'oh i have a idea!!'

me: 'what is it?'

arabella: 'you bwush my haiw, cause it wooks cwaaaazy'

was that sarcasm?

also we've been teaching ara about husbands and wives, she's got it down.. so i was recording her and she got every couple right... til i asked who lane's wife was... her answer?



that said... i'll tell you about our day yesterday.

seth recently lost his drivers license. when he got hired and when we moved into our apartment they asked for it... that put us on the hunt for his social security card and passport. neither of which we could find. then this week was the first week he was supposed to get paid but they told him they couldn't pay him friday unless he had his drivers license AND his social security care or just his passport. he had NONE. we searched the house... we found a total of 5 social security cards, 2 drivers licenses and 1 passport, none of which were his. we knew that his passport was in our storage in san luis and he wasn't allowed to work until we gave them some id... as we were walking out the door to drive to san luis he found his drivers license, which didn't change that we still had to go get his passport because the drivers license alone was not enough and he couldn't get a social without two forms of id. so at 3 yesterday we left for atascadero. it was super nice to see our familiar place, its weird living in a place where we have no memories... the past 8 years we have lived in a place that is filled with visions of us riding bikes, skateboarding, taking arabella downtown, having coffee with our friends at lineas, the streets were filled with faces we know almost as well as our own. and now we are in a place that is foreign. there is nothing of us here, it is good to have this fresh start but its strange to not have the fabric of our history covering every wall pass. it was good to see it. it was also good to see the two friends we got to see for about a second each. plus the ride home was awesome i got a treat from a friend for the trip and with both kids asleep seth and i got to hang out with no other distraction, i was a lot of fun. vonder.

-oh and we got taco bell! i can't remember the last time i had taco bell. bean burritos with 14 packets of hot sauce dipped in nacho cheese!!! too good.

we got home at midnight i think. it was fun though. it was nice to go see home and it was nice to get out of the house. arabella did really well with having to be in the car so much.

today i had to do about 7 loads of laundry and our combine washer dryer is good for keep up but no the gnarl stuff... so i put the kids in the car, took down two full hampers and a large black garbage bag of laundry... we drove down to the laundry room at the leasing office i took the laundry to the room i got the kids in the stroller got into the room, went to fill my laundry card and realized i had just given my debit card to seth. that's the ONLY way to pay for laundry here. i left the laundry and stroller, put the kids back in the car and went and got my card from seth. came back and did my 7 loads while trying to entertain ara so i didn't have to haul them back up to our house 3 times during laundry. it was like camping. but all of our clothes are now clean and if i keep up on laundry i wont have to go down there anytime soon.

i'm testing no nap with arabella today to see how she does with sleeping later than 545. we'll see. she has been sleeping through the night again, so has nola. i probably just shat on that, when you read this please knock on wood for me.

anywho things are good, clean and mellow again. noah and kyle are coming over tonight and i'm excited cause kyle is maybe my new favorite person and i miss noah. tomorrow seth's going to a hollywood party to 'network' with some industry people... sick. i love it. and then saturday brook and si are here!!! wooo hooo! saturday is also the 4 year anniversary of mine and seth's first date. wild.

i love how much people are able to visit us... next week we've got jake and becky, the end of the month seth's dad is dropping by and as soon as possible my sister will be coming. ... then hopefully a certain couple will be coming down for disneyland in march? ... ooooh which reminds me seth will be able to be off on my birthday so we can go to disneyland!

so theres an update. just so you all know, this blog is purely for you, because i hate update blogs.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

its you, its me

ara just picked up her guitar, started strumming and singing

'nevew fight fow dweams, bwed... fight fow, its me got no whewe... you my dweam.'

which is seths song...

never fight for dreams we both bled, ill fight for you because your my dream

... its you, its me and we got no where.

too bad this cuteness was shortly after she bit nola on the OTHER cheek and left marks.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


i wanna be unaffected by things.

remember how i mentioned that i hate luke recently? well... i am just realizing that a lot of the stuff i didn't talk about on here when i wrote that post is me getting through my hate for luke.

i know it sounds crazy that i still hate him, it sounds crazy that i would still have anything to get past when it comes to him.. believe me i know because if anyone thinks its stupid, its me. i dont want to be affected by my past, i HATE when i realize that any part of my past has created a negative thing in me. it makes me crazy.

.. but this i cannot deny.

before i dated luke i met seth. we were the very best of friends, and i dont know if there is a way that i could ever describe the way i looked at seth. no one has understood it but him, because its the way he saw me. i loved him in every way. there was not one thing i didn't like about him. i didn't notice a single annoying habit. i was as proud of him as a mother would be and i knew i needed him in my life. i would have done anything for him in the world. i thought everything he made or did was the most amazing thing i had ever seen. in my mind he was a complete genius... plus the most wonderful person who had ever walked the planet. yet, i did not feel romantic about him.

enter luke.

there are so many ways that luke stole that love from seth.

he would talk about all the things that annoyed him about seth, things i never would have thought of, but after a year and a half of hearing about couldnt get out of my mind. he made me feel like i needed to try and not love seth so much, which i understand on his side.. but that affected how i loved him then and until now... and the biggest way, which none of us would have known at the time would affect seth, was the way he broke my heart knowingly. he made me hate romance. he knew how much i loved him, he would tell me he could never love me that much and i would say it was ok, because he was like a drug to me, i didnt know what i would do without it... that was my best option... to love him with him loving me just barely enough. and he would say 'ok'. he would constantly tell me he didnt want me to be the way i was, and tell me how he did want me to be.

* a little insight into me.. before luke and i, i dated another person who told me i was stupid our entire relationship, so if you think i'm conceited now i'm sorry but the reason i embrace myself so wholly now is because i decided i would never feel shitty about who i was again and never let anyone else make me not like me.

now, you have to understand that the way i loved him, was crazy. i dont even know why i would love someone like him, that much. it doesn't make sense to me now. i gave him everything i had in me. and i was romantic, so romantic. i made cards for him, i gave him wonderful presents, i wrote him songs, i would do anything for him. even stop talking to seth. i believed we were going to get married, with every fiber of my being, i thought he would be my husband.

and in the end, it meant nothing.. maybe less than nothing even because he not only didn't appreciate it, but he didn't like it. wasted love. completely wasted.

we started to fight a lot, mostly about church and how i wasnt what he wanted. we talked it all out for a week, almost every day and that next monday he gave me a card that said he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. on friday he picked me up from my work christmas party took me home, ate my food, let me give him a manicure (cause i was in cosmetology school) then broke up with me.

i begged him not to leave me. literally begged. my biggest regret, besides ever dating him. i begged him to wait until after christmas, just so it wouldn't suck. i asked him to just pretend for a little while so everyone wouldn't see. he left.

the next morning we had coffee and he said he knew we couldnt be together now, but he didn't know how he would feel three months down the line. i wasn't going to be a fool this time. we dated once before and he had told me the same thing, only that time i ate it up. we tried to stay friends, but it didn't work. and just like that luke died. i have never seen the same luke again.

i had to tell myself to get out of bed out loud in the mornings after that. i felt dead. i spent all my time at the beach, praying and crying. i had let my friends get lost in the mix, because i only spent time with him. i was alone. those times were the darkest times of my life.

i know its wrong to hate him for it. i dont believe he meant to hurt me. we were both young and both stupid. i was stupid for allowing a guy to be that important to me. i was stupid for not loving myself enough to run as fast as i could the second he said he couldn't love me. he was stupid for leading me on. he was stupid for trying to conform me to his standards. that relationship changed me. really really changed me. the people i met after that relationship wouldn't recognize the hopelessly romantic, conservative quiet girl i was when i was with him. i've gotten parts of myself back since then, but there are parts that are still lost and some i wonder will ever come back. it changed me when i was in it in the way that i became quiet and reserved and i followed. it changed me from the moment we broke up in the way that i was then a broken girl, i was afraid of love and i hated romance.

me and seth started dating shortly after that, something i look back on now and realize should have been a lot farther down the road. i never had time to get over what had happened with luke and i, and not only was there the year and half relationship to get past.. there was the 2 years before that that i had been in love with luke alone. ... but 3 months after we broke up, seth and i were dating and 7 months after that, married. it sounds a thousand times more stupid than it seemed in real life when i was in it. i felt like i knew seth was right for me, i knew he would always love me and he was my best friend. i dont know if those were good reasons to marry someone, very selfish if anything. after we got married i would have dreams about luke, i felt terrible. i felt like luke was haunting me, and instead of feeling what i felt and working through it, like you should at the end of a major relationship i tried to talk it down and i ignored it... it worked for a while because so much happened in our life, with music and babies etc i forgot about him and my heart was sealed in that place, not that i didn't show signs of bitterness.

then a little bit ago i met someone who asked me one little question about him. for whatever reason, maybe this was supposed to happen, maybe my time had come... but that question opened the floodgates to every feeling i have had over these past months... and all the feelings stored up from those years.

throughout our marriage there has always been something missing in the way i love seth. its that part of my heart. i've closed myself off to romance and it terrifies me. i push him away when he is too sweet and i dont dare do the little romantic things i have done in my past. i have never been able to look at seth the way i did before luke showed up. i have never been able to see him as that best friend and love him the way i did. i get glimpses of it when i see him play music, when i can pretend that nothing happened, nothing changed and we're still teenagers riding bikes and dancing at shows.

i wasted all that love and all that romance on luke and it made me too scared to let it back in for my husband.

there has been a lot going on in my life and people i've met that i believe are somehow for this. its hard to explain and something i'd actually rather not share with everyone, shocking i know. in order to love seth the way he deserves i have to get past, my past.. and in order to get past it i have to get over luke, i have to forgive him, forgive me and conquer my fear of love. i dont know how this will end up, i dont get how it will change because inside i feel so much anger and so much hate, it brings me to tears. i feel like i need to reject and hurt so somehow i can make up for my broken heart. i believe though, that it will heal, somehow it will heal because i know i'm strong and i always find a way through.

i know a lot of this isn't pretty, its not nice to hear that someone can hate so much, its not nice that i would talk about luke and the things he did... its not nice that he did the things he did. but its real and its life and somehow, its good.


i haven't bathed nola since before we moved here.

i gave her one bottle of formula yesterday. (it was organic)

Monday, February 9, 2009


i've been thinking about love A LOT this past week. i just think love is really unfair, romantic love, friendship love... all of it. i dont get it. maybe all those christies are right.. maybe humans dont know how to love.

how do you love?

what does love mean to you?