Wednesday, September 17, 2008
breaking the rules.
before arabella came i had a very strict code of rules for life, and my daughter... i still have a lot of rules left... dont worry they will never all be gone.
these rules include things like:
peanut butter and jelly sandwiches being cut into triangles and tuna sandwiches being cut into squares.
never put a tomato next to ketchup or cheese next to mustard.
(there are A LOT of sandwich rules)
most of them are based on stereotypes that i should not discuss here and would only discuss with my very very close friends... see i can kind of be private about some things....
and then theres all my girl stereotypes... dont get all 'this is so controversial' on me cause honestly i know they're outrageous, but they're in my mind so... here goes...
my rules for my daughter... so she's not butch of course
love pink first, because other 'girl' colors like orange and yellow are second rate girl colors.
dont play softball. i dont think i need to explain this one.
mismatched socks... no. LOVING socks. gross. toe socks... i die a little inside.
i'm sure there are soooo many more that i dont even notice cause they seem totally reasonable and normal to me. i wouldn't know they're not unless seth told me... but these are a few... anyway i was always scared how i would be with my child because i have such intense control issues and it wasn't easy for seth and i when we first got married... reloading the dishes every time he did it, making sure he was putting his mayonnaise to the edges on his sandwiches and cutting them in the correct shape so i wouldn't have a panic attack.... god bless him for marrying me. and then staying with me. anyway we got through it, but i was afraid that when i had a child i might try and put these things on them because its easy to do with someone so moldable...
but to my wonderful surprise... i dont.
not one bit.
i mean it all started when she broke the rules by being born on a boy day....
she found her favorite colors, yellow and brown. if someone told me i would have a daughter whose favorite colors would be yellow and brown, not pink... i probably would have just cried my self to sleep. but now, i LOVE it. i mean what a little weirdo that she loves brown? kids never love brown.... can they even see it that well? super cute.
for now she's not playing softball but she is obsessed with socks and pretty much ALWAYS ones that dont match.
at the least i thought when life shattering things like this would come up i might have to go through a process to be ok with it, but theres not even a hint of sadness or need to control... i just love it, because she does.
she makes everything cute... i bet if she wanted her pb&j cut into squares or asked me to buy her a pair of rainbow toe socks i'd do it. and love it.
i know that my need for control comes from a childhood that always felt out of control, well because it was. people get annoyed at how weird i can be about stuff but i know its not my intention and wasn't my fault... ive always wondered how God would finally help me lose control, but not feel 'out of control'.. like i'm in utter chaos, can't breathe and am about to die, and this is it.
nothing makes you a better human than having a child. if you let it.
they make you do all the things you never thought you could, they teach you what true unconditional love is, what true selflessness is, they reflect you... and if that doesn't make you want to be better, i dont know what would.
*for all you wondering how resting is going... just that one day of resting and sleeping in and all changed everything soooo much... i had been having menstrual like cramps ALL day on monday and until the night... it was freaking me out cause i just felt like i didn't know what was going on with my body, and usually my body is no mystery to me. i just kept crying and worrying. i couldn't fall asleep cause i was in so much pain... seth prayed for me and i finally fell asleep. and in the morning i felt a million times better. my pelvis still hurts like it has for weeks... but the cramps are gone and that's all i needed. mary told me to be go ahead a do the normal things i would besides exercising and just pay attention to my body... if anything changes then we'll go from there... but for now i'm good.