Sunday, January 18, 2009

stifled sklyana

last night seth and i were talking about how happy we both are that i want to be friends with people again and that i'm outgoing again.

if you met me in the past 3 years, you would probably not believe that there was a time that i wasn't outgoing... haha. but alas, there was.

it was the time that i was dating luke. i always think about our exes as people we are thankful to have had in our lives because they taught us how to be in relationships and taught us how to grow up. but sometimes the bad outweighs the good. both seth and i look back on the relationship i had with luke full of regret. there are things he taught me, yes and i dont know if it was worth it or not... because there was so much he changed about me that has been incredibly hard to get back. i only just now feel like i'm truly getting back to pre-luke skylana. i felt like i forgave him and i felt like i had moved on from that hurt or anger or whatever it was that trailed behind him when he walked away, but last week i was telling a friend about that time of my life and i got really really angry just thinking about him. i think i never get angry about it because i never think about him and after we dated i got married so fast i didn't really have time to be angry, i was sad but i never moved past that to the anger and then through it to real forgiveness. so now here i am, three years into marriage, and i'm angry. i'm really mad at luke... for stifling who i am, for telling me i wasn't good enough, for leading my heart on a wild goose chase and then crushing it... knowing full well what he was doing. luke isn't a bad person i dont think... but he treated me in a super super crappy way... and the effects of his actions are still a part of my life, my life with my husband and my family. i know i will get over being mad and i will find true forgiveness for him, but not right now.

sometimes the bad outweighs the good.

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