Saturday, January 3, 2009

testing my fears.

i feel like yesterday and maybe today my fears and my anxiety are being tested.

my three biggest fears are
my daughters getting sexually abused
something happening to seth
and puke (i know i know, this one is called an 'irrational fear')

it started with that dream i woke up from yesterday morning, then there was a while yesterday when i was trying to get ahold of seth and couldn't, which is not out of the ordinary... but then none of his friends had been able to either and they were all supposed to go to a show together... i was headed to slo so i thought i'd just stop by his office and tell him what i needed to tell him thinking he just couldn't hear his phone. he wasn't there. i went the two other places he usually always is if he's not at his office and he wasn't at either of those. after i had been wondering where he was for 2 and half hours he called. he had been in montana de oro. random. for a bit i could have completely lost it, which sounds insane, but when its your biggest fear panic takes over long before it should.... anyway i was able to stay the most composed that i ever have in that kind of a situation... and then i talked to erin b who told me lane had had the stomach flu the night before. which seems totally harmless except that even if i haven't even seen someone if i hear they have the stomach flu i usually go into a full blown panic attack. i didn't. i was able to sleep last night... then seth came home and said his stomach hurt (he says its from not sleeping, i dont know if he's just lying to me to help me not be afraid... ) and ara woke up at 5 in a horrid mood saying her tummy hurt. surprisingly i've remained unusually calm. i gave ara some sparkling water with a bit of juice in it, water and plain bread, pasta and remedies... she seems to be feeling way better already. i'm wondering if she just woke up super hungry and super tired and didn't know what to do with herself.. she kept grabbing the back of her neck and saying it hurt too, i dont know what that was all about. anyway if you know me at all you know that this is AMAZING that i can even just be composed through this stuff. i'm so thankful that my anxiety really is getting better. i hope it stays this way. ... and i hope that i can help all my friends who have the same anxiety from different things... we dont have to deal with this. we are stronger than that. i know it!

oh and super cute... ara LOVES charlie and lola on disney because she thinks her sisters name is lola and when it comes on she says 'like my sister lola!'


zaiahbird said...

i get the same crazy anxiety when i hear anyone i know or someone else knows has had the stomach flu. I go all day and sometimes can't sleep at night thinking i'm going to wake up with the flu or one of my kids are. It's horrible. That's really cool that you remained so calm. I'm having anxiety right now just writing the stomach flu.

Anonymous said...

i have a lot of anxiety about brett getting hurt or time i couldn't get ahold of him for like 2 hours and i almost went completely insane. glad to know i'm not alone.