every once in a while i have these terrible dreams, and i had one last night.
i dream that arabella gets molested or raped. they're the most real dreams and its by a variety of different people doing it to her in the different dreams. it happens, i feel devastated (a complete understatement) i know i should have found a way to protect her and i couldn't. its never the type of situation that seems easy to avoid, its always a situation where no one would have ever thought it would have happened. when i see her after it happens she looks different, i know she's my arabella, but she's not the same because i know exactly what has been stolen and exactly what her life will look like now. its like i can see right into her soul and find where a piece of her is now missing and my whole body aches. i ache because no matter what now i cant change it. i just mull over the fact that i wanted it to be completely in my control and it wasnt. i always kind of know its a dream but i cant wake up til it lets me. when i wake up i need seth to tell me over and over that we will protect her and it wont happen.. but deep in my heart i will never feel sure, because you never can. when this kind of thing happens to you there is trust lost that i dont know can ever be restored. its like the person i am here has a certain capacity to trust and it can seem like i trust someone completely but inside beyond my consciousness part of me is still missing and in that place i know that no one can be trusted. i know that i can protect her better than i was protected, but there comes a point where its not in our control, like anything, and i just can't handle that. it makes me feel crazy. at some point i have to just trust... who do i trust though? is God really working in our lives that much that we can ask for protection? and even if we do that doesn't mean we are going to get it, so what are we trusting? trusting in protection or trusting that if that happens it was meant to? seth is as understanding as i think anyone that can't relate can be.. but i know its hard for him to understand, hard for him to see why i wont even trust someone that's proven their whole entire life that they are nothing but trust worthy... because for me its not about who it is or what they've proven, they're the same as everyone else. its hard to explain to a normal person that there's just no way i can trust the way they do, it seems insane in my mind, because i got broken by someone. its not seth's fault that he can't understand completely and its not my fault that i can't trust.