in my life, they have always come hand in hand.
when the foundation of your life changes, nothing is left unsettled.
i haven't said a lot (for me) lately, i've probably been blogging as much as a normal blogger... but i've felt like i've been hiding... hiding things i've been too afraid to say and yesterday, i hit the end. i can't hide... for me hiding is when i'm lying, but lying for me is just not telling everyone everything. being transparent is what keeps me alive and when i'm not i feel like i'm alone and i'm going to break. when i ran yesterday i ran faster than i ever have for a half an hour straight, i was sweating and bright red.. i closed my eyes and just imagined myself in the middle of nowhere running away. i came home and talked.
life has been filled with fear lately...
i'm afraid of failing, i'm afraid of both of us failing.
i'm afraid if i fail then my children will be hurt.
i'm afraid people will stop loving me if i fail.
i'm afraid of our kids spending time at two houses.
i'm afriad seth will hate me.
i'm afriad of losing myself.
i'm terrified of being like my mother.
i'm afraid i can't love enough.
i'm afraid i will never be good enough for him.
i'm afraid of being unhappily married forever.
i'm afraid of making a choice i will regret.
i'm afraid that i can't be what he needs.
i'm afraid of what i feel.
i'm hopeful that as we work towards fixing this, that it will actually be fixed.
i'm hopeful that the things i feel will somehow change through working hard.
my fears are many and my hope little, but i believe hope is stronger and i am here...
for now, i am here.
i will try and i will work until there's nothing left or it all makes sense.