Saturday, March 28, 2009

fear&love

in my life, they have always come hand in hand.

when the foundation of your life changes, nothing is left unsettled.

i haven't said a lot (for me) lately, i've probably been blogging as much as a normal blogger... but i've felt like i've been hiding... hiding things i've been too afraid to say and yesterday, i hit the end. i can't hide... for me hiding is when i'm lying, but lying for me is just not telling everyone everything. being transparent is what keeps me alive and when i'm not i feel like i'm alone and i'm going to break. when i ran yesterday i ran faster than i ever have for a half an hour straight, i was sweating and bright red.. i closed my eyes and just imagined myself in the middle of nowhere running away. i came home and talked.

life has been filled with fear lately...

i'm afraid of failing, i'm afraid of both of us failing.
i'm afraid if i fail then my children will be hurt.
i'm afraid people will stop loving me if i fail.
i'm afraid of our kids spending time at two houses.
i'm afriad seth will hate me.
i'm afriad of losing myself.
i'm terrified of being like my mother.
i'm afraid i can't love enough.
i'm afraid i will never be good enough for him.
i'm afraid of being unhappily married forever.
i'm afraid of making a choice i will regret.
i'm afraid that i can't be what he needs.
i'm afraid of what i feel.

i'm hopeful that as we work towards fixing this, that it will actually be fixed.
i'm hopeful that the things i feel will somehow change through working hard.

my fears are many and my hope little, but i believe hope is stronger and i am here...
for now, i am here.

i will try and i will work until there's nothing left or it all makes sense.

2 comments:

meg said...

I've honestly been here, about five years ago, and I didn't talk about it to anyone and it sucked and we "dealt" with things on our own, and we did it, we came out on the other side stronger and more in love.

But I can't help but think it wouldn't have been as hard or taken as long if we'd been honest and told people and asked for help. I'm so proud of you guys for fighting for your marriage. It's seriously something we do consciously now b/c of the past. I'm cheering on the sideline for you both.

E said...

This post once again proved to me why I feel understood when I'm around you. Knowing someone else who's natural reaction to hard situations is talking about them instead of acting like they don't exist is like fresh air for me. There is just something that bothers the very core of me when people want to paint pictures of themselves, their lives, their faith, their marriages that are inaccurate. It's something I have learned to do, but never something I will feel comfortable with. The funny thing is, people like us make most everyone else uncomfortable. Oh well.

Anyway, thank you for writing this post. You already know how understood you are in all of this, so I won't go over it again here. I think it's amazing that there is so much history on this blog. Posts of how happy you are in your life and marriage, posts about how conflicted you are about it and posts about the in between. This is real life and everyone has these shifts in their marriage, whether or not they make them known to other people. Thank you for your honesty. I am proud of you too, for finding the will to fight instead of run. I love you both so much.