Monday, May 11, 2009

evolve

i have a baby on my lap... so this is an attempt at a blog, we'll see how far i get... but if i dont do it now seth will come home to an exploded wife.

i'm always growing. i have never stayed in one place, inside myself. when i look like i have fallen behind i havent, i'm just growing more.

the past few months has been well, insane. the combination of feelings i already had, postpartum depression, moving away from everything seth and i knew as a couple, and being stuck almost suffocated me.

i had to struggle to find the end, to find the freedom that i feel so deeply now. i had to fight against being a mother, fight against being a wife... fight against myself. the only way i thought i could find freedom was to push against everything i thought was keeping me from freedom. why did i think i need this 'freedom' so bad? because i've always been a mother, then i got married young and fast, i had kids young and fast... and here i was not even realizing that i had postpartum depression and in a place where i could push. push against everything that i had set up the past three years. ... and as always i got extreme.

for me when something in my heart is going to change i always know, because first comes the idea that it needs to change, then comes the intense struggle, the extreme and then comes the break and its here.

this process can be taxing of course and i dont always make the best choices in the midst... but i'm always moving forward and i've always come out better and stronger once its through.

seth is my best friend and the person i want to share my life with... but we weren't smart in the way we got married and had kids, we know this.. very well. the pressures of what i thought was supposed to be and what i thought marriage was meant to look like have made me crack. i had this idea that i had to be something that i'm not and if i couldn't be that then i would never be enough for seth. its an interesting dynamic to grow up not learning what love is and to marry a man who was taught his whole life how to love intensely. its two worlds colliding, and not gracefully. i could look at him and be frustrated that he always knew how to be selfless, because it only reflected on how i somehow couldn't do it. i could look at him and be jealous, because he didn't have to struggle to love.. well not very much i thought. i could look at him and feel guilty, because i would never have the strength to love him how he loved me.

if he did something to hurt me he would apologize and say he would change, if i did something to hurt him i would apologize and say i'd try to change. in my heart hoping it would somehow happen, not understanding my control. its not just that i was being selfish, its that i truly didn't understand that i could have control over the patterns of love i had been taught my whole life. i didn't understand that i could change how i speak, how i defend, how i fight... i could change everything about how i love, but i didn't know. i thought if i changed it i would be lost and vulnerable, all my walls would come crashing down. they would, but i thought this would be bad.


so we came to this place... where all these things had been present for years, always getting better of course but still existing in our home, and then we got to the place after the unplanned pregnancy... where we have two kids. we've both realized we've been sacrificing our lives, seth's dreams, for something that's taken us over. i realize i'm only 24. my friends from my childhood are in school still... school?! i had been stuck in this town where all the people i was friends with were so much older than me i had forgotten what people my age were doing... (no offense) but seriously... i had jumped to 30. so now i see, i'm 24, i'm married, i have two kids... i never did anything i wanted to do. i never had time, just to me.. to find out who i was. i was having a quarter life crisis.

i dreamed of leaving, all of them. running away. i wanted to stay in my bed every day. i started to not like my little girl and not want my husband to even talk to me. its not that i didn't want this life in the end. its that i didn't want it right now, i was full of regret and responsible for all of it. if you have these feelings it is very easy to enjoy them... to soak them up and run in your mind. if you can't run physically, then your mind can at least take off right? the problem with this is it can't stay inside long.

i kissed our friend. a friend seth has known his whole life. the kiss wasn't the point, neither was the person. the point was where i had gotten. i had pushed so hard, i had run so far in my mind, i had been so selfish, i had needed freedom so bad that i had hit my extreme. the kiss itself meant nothing, no love no romance.. but it was what the kiss symbolized for me. that freedom. that fake, hurtful, destructive, freedom.

this was not the freedom i was looking for.

it took the decision of us being apart, me leaving my house and my family to have my beloved freedom... for me to realize that's not what i wanted. what i wanted was never the extreme, that had become the lust of my heart since balance couldn't be found.

the night i was suppose to leave i couldn't. nothing could make me leave this house, this home. we had dinner and something broke. it was the release i had been waiting for. the communication finally resounded and our hearts weren't strangers anymore. it only took one conversation to express exactly what each other needed, it had to be at that moment for some reason... but when it happened my heart changed. i realized then that i had grown. the struggle was painful and my actions were hurtful, but we wouldn't be here without them. we need to be here.

this past 2 months has changed my entire life, and my whole perspective. i needed it badly, very very badly. i have evolved. this struggle is over and i have come out stronger, wiser and better. there will be many more struggles in my life but i truly believe that this one was something different, something bigger than most.

its amazing to feel like i have the power to change whats around me. to love seth how he needs, to be able to say 'i will change that' without a doubt that i can. everyday i can feel the affects of this change inside me and its good.

its perfect to know now that i can have freedom, that i have not lost myself. there is balanced freedom for me and love for seth.

im only willing to share my mistakes, where i failed for the benefit of anyone that can find it from my transparency and for myself. i dont like to hide the things i do, i feel rotten inside when i do. i'd rather the world know and judge me as they may for kissing another person, for being selfish, for being stubborn, than keep that ugliness locked inside so no one can judge me. its easy to look good on the outside when the bad stays hidden inside. i dont want that. i want to look like what is true about me.

i have many faults and i have so much farther to go, but i'm not afraid of failing anymore. i'm not afraid of not being enough. i know what i am capable of. i have more of a capacity to love greatly than i ever thought possible.

seth and i start counseling this month and i will have counseling of my own. i have never had consistent counseling and though i think i've come very far without it, i think this is the perfect time to start.

living in freedom is so good.

15 comments:

MEGAN said...

I think this is your most honest post yet. It touches my heart the most anyway.

I am 23, and I can not fathom having ANY children or being pregnant. I have close friends w/babies and that is weird enough. I feel like I'm 15, but married, oddly enough, and struggling to make something of my life, and do the things that I want to do. I can not fathom having 2 kids and being 24, but LOOK, YOU'VE DONE IT! And you do it well!

I think nobody's life is exactly as they had imagined, we just try to play around w/what we've got and make the most of it. Good luck with the counseling!

jenny moon said...

...love...

your crazy naked life makes so many girls out here feel better about themselves, i know it's not just me that feels it...

...thanks...

Erin said...

I don't even really know what to comment. I just had to say that I'm so so proud of you. I'm sorry that you had to go through some really rough months to get to where you're at, but as far as I can tell it was worth it. You've done a lot of healing on your own and I'm sure your counselor will tell you that. Good job. You are a wonderful mother and wife. And I do think that the honesty of this blog will help someone see a light at the end of the tunnel in their own life. I love you a lot.

Elissa Rachael said...

skylana... i had ppd with gabe too... i often wondered what is wrong with me... your writing today was one more reminder telling me that other mommies have felt the same way... that same bitterness at our children for stealing our youth and possibilities away... the guilt for feeling it... i have such a respect for you for writing it... for solidifying your growth for me and others to read...

thank you or your honesty...

Flo Oakes said...

I can't even imagine how many people will be inspired by your transparency and your story.

I am so proud of you I could burst...you are the most willing to see your faults and look for ways to change and grow than anyone I have ever met. I wish I could be that open to change and that willing to admit when I'm wrong, or that brave to admit when I'm right.

The girls are ridiculously lucky to have you care for them, to set an example of growth, love, honesty..

I love you my friend, and always will, no matter the miles in between.

Tyla said...

Your raw honesty is refreshing and daring. You are so very brave to speak out without cares of being judged. Congrats!! You should be commended for finding the right path for you.

railynn said...

I've always been a person that hides a part of myself so that others can't judge, so that I don't have to be vulnerable... because I hate feeling vulnerable. Reading your blog, and especially this post makes me feel more peace and makes me want to be more true to who I am despite others' opinions. thank you:)

matthew said...

and then there was the follow up awkwardness where i sat on the kitchen floor reading about kings of leon and drinking wine....i'm really really glad things are going well.

The Avilas said...

honest and pure....amazing. i am happy for your process. i will be praying you get what you need out of counseling and it will only heal the hurt you have inside. proud? absolutely.

jenn

Amanda said...

The best thing about this blog and your others is that your friends are always always always very supportive. You are a very blessed women.

ohhellocupcake said...

reading this made my armpits and feet get sweaty.

Sarah Corbett said...

i've never known anyone like you, and i'm so lucky that you walked into my life. being around you for the past couple months has been insane, exciting and inspiring. i couldn't be happier for you that you have settled into this new found happiness with yourself and your family. I've watched you question, doubt, regret and struggle with your situation, and i'm so proud to have also been here to see you make this change and invest your whole heart into what really matters. you are a strong & inspiring woman and i love you

Jake said...

Brilliant. Discovering that peace is not a place or a situation but a mindset. You are clearly beyond your years, but that will only make these years more enriched and meaningful.

mine... and now yours. said...

flo had it when she said "I can't even imagine how many people will be inspired by your transparency and your story"

she was spot on. this post was amazing, thank you. its so true that ive woken up and im 30... something about being in the church for so long where everyone gets married yet and thats it. i too made a petty, silly mistake that meant absolutely nothing except it was what came of total frustration, stagnation, pain and fear of loosing freedom. its still secret, i dont have the courage yet. i feel like if only i had space to really, really think things out i could come to what you have in this post. but there is no space, and i dont see there being any space, and im scared by the time i find it, my youth will be over, and all those things i wanted to do and i person i wanted to be before all this will be gone. i love my husband (but in what way? my best friend in the world, and oh so rediculously loving and kind, everything i want to be) and i love my daughter to bits, but not now. in 5 years i could have loved them with what they deserved. but its now. i have them now, they will be here forever, and what do i do? nothing is scarier to me than to feel like im running out of time, or on top of some rolling rock that no matter how fast i run, its going to suck me under.

heres to hoping i find that space to think and feel and decide.. and to "feel like i have the power to change whats around me"

thanks, by the way.

anna joy said...

<333333