i have a baby on my lap... so this is an attempt at a blog, we'll see how far i get... but if i dont do it now seth will come home to an exploded wife.
i'm always growing. i have never stayed in one place, inside myself. when i look like i have fallen behind i havent, i'm just growing more.
the past few months has been well, insane. the combination of feelings i already had, postpartum depression, moving away from everything seth and i knew as a couple, and being stuck almost suffocated me.
i had to struggle to find the end, to find the freedom that i feel so deeply now. i had to fight against being a mother, fight against being a wife... fight against myself. the only way i thought i could find freedom was to push against everything i thought was keeping me from freedom. why did i think i need this 'freedom' so bad? because i've always been a mother, then i got married young and fast, i had kids young and fast... and here i was not even realizing that i had postpartum depression and in a place where i could push. push against everything that i had set up the past three years. ... and as always i got extreme.
for me when something in my heart is going to change i always know, because first comes the idea that it needs to change, then comes the intense struggle, the extreme and then comes the break and its here.
this process can be taxing of course and i dont always make the best choices in the midst... but i'm always moving forward and i've always come out better and stronger once its through.
seth is my best friend and the person i want to share my life with... but we weren't smart in the way we got married and had kids, we know this.. very well. the pressures of what i thought was supposed to be and what i thought marriage was meant to look like have made me crack. i had this idea that i had to be something that i'm not and if i couldn't be that then i would never be enough for seth. its an interesting dynamic to grow up not learning what love is and to marry a man who was taught his whole life how to love intensely. its two worlds colliding, and not gracefully. i could look at him and be frustrated that he always knew how to be selfless, because it only reflected on how i somehow couldn't do it. i could look at him and be jealous, because he didn't have to struggle to love.. well not very much i thought. i could look at him and feel guilty, because i would never have the strength to love him how he loved me.
if he did something to hurt me he would apologize and say he would change, if i did something to hurt him i would apologize and say i'd try to change. in my heart hoping it would somehow happen, not understanding my control. its not just that i was being selfish, its that i truly didn't understand that i could have control over the patterns of love i had been taught my whole life. i didn't understand that i could change how i speak, how i defend, how i fight... i could change everything about how i love, but i didn't know. i thought if i changed it i would be lost and vulnerable, all my walls would come crashing down. they would, but i thought this would be bad.
so we came to this place... where all these things had been present for years, always getting better of course but still existing in our home, and then we got to the place after the unplanned pregnancy... where we have two kids. we've both realized we've been sacrificing our lives, seth's dreams, for something that's taken us over. i realize i'm only 24. my friends from my childhood are in school still... school?! i had been stuck in this town where all the people i was friends with were so much older than me i had forgotten what people my age were doing... (no offense) but seriously... i had jumped to 30. so now i see, i'm 24, i'm married, i have two kids... i never did anything i wanted to do. i never had time, just to me.. to find out who i was. i was having a quarter life crisis.
i dreamed of leaving, all of them. running away. i wanted to stay in my bed every day. i started to not like my little girl and not want my husband to even talk to me. its not that i didn't want this life in the end. its that i didn't want it right now, i was full of regret and responsible for all of it. if you have these feelings it is very easy to enjoy them... to soak them up and run in your mind. if you can't run physically, then your mind can at least take off right? the problem with this is it can't stay inside long.
i kissed our friend. a friend seth has known his whole life. the kiss wasn't the point, neither was the person. the point was where i had gotten. i had pushed so hard, i had run so far in my mind, i had been so selfish, i had needed freedom so bad that i had hit my extreme. the kiss itself meant nothing, no love no romance.. but it was what the kiss symbolized for me. that freedom. that fake, hurtful, destructive, freedom.
this was not the freedom i was looking for.
it took the decision of us being apart, me leaving my house and my family to have my beloved freedom... for me to realize that's not what i wanted. what i wanted was never the extreme, that had become the lust of my heart since balance couldn't be found.
the night i was suppose to leave i couldn't. nothing could make me leave this house, this home. we had dinner and something broke. it was the release i had been waiting for. the communication finally resounded and our hearts weren't strangers anymore. it only took one conversation to express exactly what each other needed, it had to be at that moment for some reason... but when it happened my heart changed. i realized then that i had grown. the struggle was painful and my actions were hurtful, but we wouldn't be here without them. we need to be here.
this past 2 months has changed my entire life, and my whole perspective. i needed it badly, very very badly. i have evolved. this struggle is over and i have come out stronger, wiser and better. there will be many more struggles in my life but i truly believe that this one was something different, something bigger than most.
its amazing to feel like i have the power to change whats around me. to love seth how he needs, to be able to say 'i will change that' without a doubt that i can. everyday i can feel the affects of this change inside me and its good.
its perfect to know now that i can have freedom, that i have not lost myself. there is balanced freedom for me and love for seth.
im only willing to share my mistakes, where i failed for the benefit of anyone that can find it from my transparency and for myself. i dont like to hide the things i do, i feel rotten inside when i do. i'd rather the world know and judge me as they may for kissing another person, for being selfish, for being stubborn, than keep that ugliness locked inside so no one can judge me. its easy to look good on the outside when the bad stays hidden inside. i dont want that. i want to look like what is true about me.
i have many faults and i have so much farther to go, but i'm not afraid of failing anymore. i'm not afraid of not being enough. i know what i am capable of. i have more of a capacity to love greatly than i ever thought possible.
seth and i start counseling this month and i will have counseling of my own. i have never had consistent counseling and though i think i've come very far without it, i think this is the perfect time to start.
living in freedom is so good.