Saturday, May 2, 2009

punch my heart

one time, when i was 19, i moved to florida.

i wanted to do hair, i decided to go to the aveda institute. my best friend seth had become friends with a girl named polly while he was on tour. 'you guys are the same, you should be friends.' ...

so i called her. and i loved her.

she lived in florida, there was an aveda institute in florida. i had made my choice. the excitement was unreal, and the heartbreak unbearable. i was dating luke and i couldn't bear the thought of leaving him behind. every day we hung out, every night we had dinner, walked downtown... and we were in love, and we fought all the time. it was spring and the air was clear. i woke up early and walked to work at ahshe everyday. i was happy. i thought i was happy. when i walk past lineas, to this day, it all rushes back into my heart. i can feel the wind blowing over my face, the warm comforting wind, only a person who works downtown can truly know the exact smell that will always be present in spring in san luis obispo. i can smell the coffee and rose in the air. i came to work early every day, so i could be alone. i sat at the back of that salon and i read my bible and i prayed. my specific memories are few... fighting with seth over the phone out front while he was on tour, love by the sundays playing in the backround, luke seeing me for the first time after a long time away and wrapping me up in his arms, a lady yelling at me because she made a mistake and my boss telling her i would never lie... (she is a woman of god!! she argued) i couldn't be at fault, chase asking me to be the lady who sits on top of his piano while he played... if i smell a candle from that place my heart will melt. it will be this way for the rest of my life.

in the months leading up to my move i soaked up every second of this town that i had held so dear. nothing i could ever write would do this world justice. if i told you that the streets smell like gardenias, or the hills glow green in the backround... if i explained each person that has been here for years.. the way they look, smell.. the eyes they make at you when they know.. you have been here. you are a part of this place and it runs deep. the bikes lined up outside of the coffee shop make you know you are safe. you are home. gyspy lady, frenchie, dragonfly, simba... they are travelers and they are crazy, but they are your comfort.

feeling the heat take you over while you consume all the pad thai and yellow curry you can only keeps you wanting... wanting this town... wanting this town to wrap itself around you and soak you up. this is home. there are default destinations and memories of no destination days. there are new people to love and faces you have always known surrounding your every move. the smoke from the barbecues fills the air and as you make your way through all the students... the indie kids.. the hippies... you hear the voice that will yell at you every week. do you want almonds? no, you never do.. but please keep asking.

this place was my home, my entire world. every friend, every smell, every love i possessed inside my soul was this place... and i was going to leave.

luke and i painted his house, we laid in his sisters room and confessed our love again for the millionth time. how could we live apart? i packed my boxes and we cried. i shipped them away, reluctantly. before i could take a breath i was saying goodbye. he wore a brown shirt and i wore my heart on my sleeve. i was leaving, to everything i wanted, and leaving everything i wanted behind. i watched him cry and his face get smaller as the escalator took me up.

i stepped off the plane and i couldn't breath. the air was so thick i thought it was going to kill me, and from that moment i knew where i was.... and it was good.

in this place, i was me.

i was separate from him. the one i loved so dear... he had suffocated me.. i had become his. for the first time, i found me again. it didn't matter what i said because although i would repeat his idiotic claims, my heart was free.... and that was something anyone would notice. florida will always hold a part of my heart. always.

the thunder storms broke me, the rain cleansed me, the people warmed me.

i came home a different person. a woman.

and he broke my heart.

i needed it. i need that time, i needed him to let me go, i needed every moment of that year.

seth and i watched the trailer for garden state every day during that time, maybe even 30 times a day... luke would listen to frou frou on repeat because he could feel when he did.

this video holds so much more feeling, love, hope, life and passion than i could ever express to any of you. this trailer has a permanent residence in this heart of mine.



Shan said...

you really are a gifted writer.
i know what you wrote was a lot deeper than this, but...i used to work downtown in san luis too & i knew dragonfly...i still have this oragami flower he made me. i know what you mean about the smell downtown and the hills "glowing green". great description.
i also, moved away from "home" (from texas when i was 23) & it was exactly what i needed at the time for a few different reasons & i've never gone back. san luis was so healing to me and changed me for the better.
i miss that place & it will always have a special place in my heart.

anna joy said...

you might not believe me, but i know EXACTLY what you mean. about every part of this post.

becca said...

You are a really good writer. And I love Garden State too. It has a special place in my heart :)

Monica said...

the garden state trailer (but not the movie) will always bring me back to spring/summer 2004. my friends and i used to also watch it multiple times a day... weird. and i agree that you're a great writer. keep doing it!