Friday, May 22, 2009

walls can't stand forever

i've always been a good builder.

i could build walls around my heart like no one. whenever i need protection, i can provide it for myself... the consequence of this protection is detaching. detaching from people and in a lot of ways, life.

i could live a private life. i could be like everyone else and keep my problems in, avoid the drama that confused lurkers bring. i have to weigh the benefits on either side.. the only reason this is even an issue is because i naturally want to be on stage. i want to live in front of people, i want to be transparent, that's what comes natural to me. i have to weigh whether what comes natural is the most beneficial for me and my family.

people say to me a lot that if i dont want drama in my life i can't write about my life. this is true i suppose... but can't i want something whether i know i'll receive it or not? and cant i ask for that thing from at least the ones who are close to me?

i get sick of hearing people say i love the drama that surrounds me. i truly hate it. ask my husband. it gives me a stomach ache, it makes me sweat, and its the only thing left that gives me anxiety. saying this may seem egotistical but its just the reality of what i see in my life.. people like to watch me, they like to talk, and in a lot of instances people have become overly obsessed or involved with my life. any of my close friends could tell you they have witnessed this. they can also tell you that the strange thing is that i, myself, am not a very dramatic person.

this is what i know: i have to choose what my expression is worth.

is the freedom my mind receives,
the life my heart feels from writing,
the healing i experience,
the comfort of knowing i'm not alone,
the countless people who write to me, telling me they are changed by my mistakes, my words, my life...
is all that worth the loss of some privacy? is it worth being misunderstood? is it worth unnecessary drama?

the answer for me, and for us, hands down is yes.

its times like this, when the drama swirls around my words changing their motives and creating masks over them- masks of hate and blame, that i want to give up. i want to get out my trustworthy tools and build my walls high and strong. i want to push everyone out, keep them at arms length, where punches are missed. i want to stitch my lips closed. even i, who thrives on letting out every emotion, get weary when understanding and grace is so sparse.

i have to fight though. i have to fight my protection, because i know thats not really what it is. i see my walls for what they really are, a cage. i have to trust, that i am who i am for a reason, i married who i married for a reason, i had the kids i did for a reason... and i'm good the way i am for all these reasons. i have to remember that i truly believe that my transparency is more beneficial for all of us.


Amalia Z. said...

The simplicity of the life is what makes things beautiful, no drama. I enjoyed reading this.

meg said...

this is me saying stuff so you know i read and understand.