i feel like i have arrived at the purest part of my desire for my life.
i truly honestly want to be a better person.
i feel like there have been guards and motives and walls etc inside me for as long as i can remember and my life was always a battle of breaking out of those, breaking out of my circumstances, breaking out of what i had been taught, trying to break through fear, trying to not be me. for the first time in my life i dont feel like i have any urgency. i dont have to break out of anything to survive. i want to move forward, simply because i want to be better... as long as life goes on i want to become better. i want to love better, understand better, teach better, and always grow. i can see the faults i have and i really want to either change them or use them to the best advantage i can. for the first time there is nothing in my mind that says i cant. i can, i can do anything. my mind has taken over my matter and i do believe that is the secret. my perspective on life has changed over the past three years in dramatic ways, and in the past three weeks as well. its an amazing freedom to know that we have the power to choose what we want for our lives. we can choose love or hate, we can choose freedom or chains, we can choose success or failure, we can choose to be happy or wallow. i choose love, freedom, success, happiness... circumstances do not define who i am or who i will become. i will define my circumstances thank you.
life got very crazy for a bit and maybe longer, but i did hit the bottom i needed so desperately and i think i can really say that for the first time ever i feel such a deep real and pure happiness i can't really describe it. it has nothing to do with anything outside of me and honestly (although i'm sure 30 of you would disagree and tell me how i'll find it in jesus someday ;) i think thats the best possible way for me. my happiness depends on no one but myself and that is the most freeing thing i have ever learned.
im so thankful for life.