Friday, July 17, 2009

victory in love

sometimes we get to choose how we'd like to move on, we can fix our minds on the end and muster up all our strength and it somehow becomes enough to push us through.

sometimes healing comes from a place we never would have seen coming, a place we never would have chosen, a place that doesn't make sense.

im not clear on where these things come from, is it us? is it god? i dont know. all i know is that when it comes i jump on, close my eyes and hold on tight.

it is in my nature to survive. if i haven't mentioned this before my life has been a story of survival... not always a story of achievement or a story of betterment, but always survival. there have been times i not only survive but i break through to heights no one could expect from me, but most times i just survive. i just make it. which in and of itself seems a miracle to me. i work towards that not being my only triumph though, i work towards greater goals than just not dying, than just not losing it, than just not ruining my entire life... and i will get there. the point is, i am a survivor. i have been conditioned my entire life to be selfish for the sake of life. i'm not talking 'everyone is selfish', i'm talking about if i'm not selfish i WILL die. i WILL be abandoned, i WILL lose. so i chose me, over and over. i've been choosing me. i dont see this is as me being a bad person, but i do see this as habit that can be a fault. its good that i can survive, i know inside i can make it through anything, ANYthing. that is never in question really. but when you are built to survive only, love gets the short end of the stick.

why? because love equals vulnerability and vulnerability equals loss. if you are vulnerable you get hurt, you can be weakened by your hurt and therefore you can lose more easily. if you dont love, i mean truly deeply love then your risk of pain is much less, as is your risk of breaking.

i have become beyond remarkable at preserving myself. i can lock you out FOREVER. i can protect myself like a wolf protecting its young. i am fierce and i am strong. i will fight to my death and leave a legacy of survival behind to my children.

and this way the cycle will continue for generations. it has come this far, through my grandmother, through my mother... survivors. my grandmother was a survivor of her circumstances and she did it well, she taught her defense to my mother who took it in a terribly wrong direction. my mother has always made it through, and history tells me she always will... but history also says she will never overcome. she will never find true victory. she let her selfish survivor preservation defeat her.

she will live her life and make it but the full potential of quality of life she could have experienced will forever be lost.

i dont want to lose mine.

i have been healed from something, yes. would i take back the change that's been made? my nature says no. no matter how much my progress may have affected anyone else? still, my nature tells me no. because this is how i have lived for 24 years.

i am beyond thankful that this healing has finally come and there is a freedom in that.

but there is now the places that have been broken in order to make those whole, there are places in others that have been broken for my benefit. so this question comes up...

how do i learn to truly live beyond survival? to truly learn how to live?

it is an oxy moron to say that my survival could defeat me, but in every sense it is very real truth.

how long will it take for my heart to open in the right places? how long will it take for all the bits of healing to make sense with each other? how can i learn to be vulnerable, to let you in, and be able to let go of the risk?

i loved luke. im not talking about the romance. i'm talking about true, deep, serious, selfless, unconditional, unchanging love. to this day i have no idea where this love came from, it was like something outside me walked into my chest and placed it carefully in the middle of the largest chamber of my heart.

he broke me like no one has EVER broken me, EVER. nothing in my life hurt me more than this one situation, ironically.

i have been scarred, for 8 long years, i have been scarred. the tissue on my heart grew back, but as scar tissue does it grew back stronger than it was before and created a safe barrier against anyone trying to get in. for the first time since then somehow i have seen a place in me that can be vulnerable, really vulnerable, that can love. through learning that i could love and not be taken down i have been healed.

so from here i have to take this knowledge, both the knowledge that i can be vulnerable and not die and the knowledge that surviving alone is not truly surviving at all, and use these things to my advantage and the advantage of those around me. i have to store these things inside me and use them to love the people who matter most to me.

that is where i will find real victory.

i was waiting to write until i could block the one person i want to never look my way again from reading my blog, but i realized that its not me to hide. from anyone. so look all you want, you'll only see me getting better. i know you're watching with envy.


anna joy said...

i really like this "so from here i have to take this knowledge, both the knowledge that i can be vulnerable and not die and the knowledge that surviving alone is not truly surviving at all,"... so me right now too :)

mine... and now yours. said...

this is a pretty incredible post.