Sunday, August 9, 2009

burrow

i am undoubtedly going through the hardest thing i have ever gone through in my life to date, i never could have imagined that this would be so incredibly hard and heartbreaking and painful. i feel so tired. so, so tired. i'm thankful that seth and i are as close as we are and i am so thankful to have him to lean on when i am weak beyond words. these days i have to fight everyday to pull the covers off, put my feet on the floor and stand up. i can't explain what i'm going through, i can't let anyone in on this one because as part of my growing up i have realized there is a time that my life needs its space, needs its privacy. but i feel i have to express the pain i'm in or its going to overcome me. my heart feelings have translated into physical pain, the tiredness of my emotions have made me tired in my everday life. i ache all over, my eyes feel exhausted, my bones feel tense. there's no 'being strong' through this one. this is the one where i have to just release myself, feel the pain, feel the brokenness, feel the frustration at myself and let it work its way through somehow.

i have never felt life be so completely overwhelming before. i have reached my capacity and i'm hanging by a thread willing myself not to fall. i know i will get through this, i will manage, i will be ok. that's what i do. but this place is heartache, heartache like i've never experienced. foreign. that's it, its so foreign. i feel pain but pain like nothing i've felt and i dont understand how to cope. its hard to cope when i dont recognize the intruder, and its hard to find a way when all my mechanisms have been put to shame. i'm so thankful for my darling girls. for their sweet smiles and amazing hearts, they are the reason i get out of bed everyday, they are the reason i grow at all, they are the reason i love. they are keeping me alive. when you're a mother its very hard to find the balance in letting whats going on in life have its place and keeping those things from touching your children in any sort of hurtful way. i strive to always, in spite of anything i may ever go through or feel, make this home a home for my babies and surround them with all i have to give.

i wish i was so small, a small small animal that could dig itself a burrow and crawl deep inside, curl up and sleep. sleep, sleep, sleep.

2 comments:

Patti Jo said...

I'm sorry your going throught this. I have felt the way you feel before. I know you probably don't care, but I think everyone feels that a lone and that sad at one point in our lives. Whatever the reason, it IS personal. No one can get through it but you. I am glad you have Seth. Seth sounds like my Josh. Always just trys to help. This to shall pass. I love your blog. I read it everyday. Yes, sometimes several times a day. I feel like I have watched your little girls grow up. Hell, I've watched your hair get long. It's funny. . . I wish I could find ONE person as interested in my life as I am in yours. Hang in there. I'll be reading...

nstopnik said...

Don't feel alone. I may not always comment, but I'm a faithful reader. It's good to hear that there are others out there who feel this way. I have a loving husband and an amazing son, but at times it feels like my life consumes me. I also feel those same feelings you described. It's hard to be an at home mom/wife without a life that is truly your own. It can feel like there isn't an avenue to release all the emotion and frustration. It doesn't mean we aren't grateful for our lives, it means we are human. Hang in there.