i've been thinking about how i've been viewing myself lately and i don't like it.
a lot of you may get the impression that i am my biggest fan, and that's true, but i'm also very hard on myself. only in one specific way ;) i've become the kind of person that looks at myself as more dysfunctional than the people around me. i think this is something i'm sensitive to feeling and have taken on from others who feel this way about me. i have NEVER EVER used my past as my crutch. EVER. i have only the past couple years even started to admit to the fact that whether i like it or not my past affects me. i dont think it makes me who i am, but it affects me and i have to decide how, how i let it. anyway, because i have been surrounded mostly by people who would be considered the social norm... (i know nothing is truly normal but i think you all can understand what i mean, grew up in a family oriented home, parents still together, grew up being taught right and wrong, etc.) i have started to see myself as not normal and like there is something wrong with me. i have started to see the things i want to get better at and overcome as dysfunction and things these people don't deal with. i've gotten into the position with some people where i feel like the "bad" one and they are holding out hope that i'll get "better".. they're trying not to give up on me because i'm hard to "deal" with etc.... but today i realized that thats horrible! and ridiculous. i am NOT a dysfunctional person. i came from a dysfunctional home, but i am very functional, strong, smart, funny, motivated, determined and loving (yep i said it, loving). i'm a good mother, a good wife, and a good friend. i know these things about myself. i have made mistakes, but i have let those mistakes overshadow who i really am, in my mind. i've beat myself up inside and felt like i'm the worse one, the bad one, that im not as good as the other people in my life because they dont make those same bad decisions. but they just make other "bad" decisions, and if they haven't yet they will at some point, because that's what people do. we make bad decisions sometimes, and then we learn from them and don't make those same decisions next time. i'm not worse because at this time in my life i made some bad decisions, and i'm not dysfunctional. i'm just a person. besides that i have a million things about me that are really great and i may have strengths where those others have weaknesses.
i dont want to feel like i'm hanging by someones friendship thread anymore, and i'm not going to. i'm worth more than that. i'm not a hard person to deal with for everyone, just some people. i could take a lesson from my daughter here and realize that some people dont think i'm great but a lot of people do think i'm great. i want to be around the people who think i'm great and i want to be around people who i think are great! that's just where it works, where there's love, unconditional love. everyone has faults and everyone makes mistakes, i know i'll learn as i go how to make less of them, as will you, but in the mean time i want to be around people who dont feel like giving up on me because i make a mistake. i dont feel like giving up on my friends when they make mistakes and i dont want to feel like giving up on myself when i make mistakes. if i feel like giving up on a friendship its usually because i dont care about that person very much, so really we probably shouldn't be friends in the first place.... i want to be friends with myself and treat me how i would treat my friends. i also want to surround myself with people who treat me the same way. i want to be around people who really see me and appreciate who i am no matter what mistakes i make, and i want to do that for them. hanging out with people who think you are great just as you are is what makes you want to live up to that and beyond. hanging out with people who are waiting on you to change or get better only makes you feel like shit. same with what you think about yourself.
i know there have been very specific things weighing my heart down, but i think part of all that has to do with how i've been looking at myself the past couple weeks. and i'm done. i'm going to take this opportunity to remember who i am and be that person. i am sorry for my mistakes, but they are over, i have to let them go. i have to move on and keep being myself now with a little more learning and life under my belt. make better decisions in the future and be good at loving the people i love, which is who i am and something i am good at... despite how i've felt lately.