Friday, August 21, 2009

a new outlook

its all over.

all the bad things are done.

the stuff i mentioned that i had been going through the past couple weeks, the stuff that was making want to stay in my bed all day, its all over. i'm so much better. i feel back to myself and so thankful its all over. im sure its annoying that i can't explain, but i just wanted all of you to know that i'm ok, i'm completely better and i dont want to stay under the covers.

life has been so crazy the past 7 months, i mean beyond crazy, and its finally all ending. i feel like everything has been worked through in a sense and the work we have to do from here on out is very do-able and not overwhelming. i'm so thankful to be out of the baby stage with nola because i know that made EVERYTHING crazy.

it might be hard for moms who love being moms to understand, or moms who haven't had post partum depression, but seriously having ppd made me a different person. getting pregnant when you DONT want to at all and when you feel so comepletely not ready is beyond intense, especially when you have a one year old you JUST stopped nursing. for me nursing arabella was crazy, my hormones made me so different and i just wanted to be myself again and right when i got to that point i felt like it was ripped away again by being pregnant with nola. so from the point where i found out i was pregnant with her, i think is when everything slowly started going downhill. i'm so so so thankful for nola and since i know her i can't not love her.... i'm very glad i have her. but that was just my limit and i really was pushed by life over my edge. really over.

i feel like this last event was the very bottom of that deep deep valley that i was pushed into and i've come out. i can feel myself climbing and the incline is mild and steady.

i'm really excited for the new way i feel that seth and i are making our life together. for the time we've been together we've always just 'let things work out'... got married fast and thought 'well it'll just work out'... we had kids fast and young and thought it would 'just work out'... we were making the decisions but acting like we weren't. we were chosing how our lives would look but maybe not the best way we could have and thinking more along the lines of it working out than thinking about how we could make it the best possible... how we could make it really truly what we wanted and how we wanted. i dont like how people put their lives in the hands of someone else (or so to speak because truly its still in your hands). when we do that its like we're making huge decisions, hoping it will work out and blaming the outcome on someone or something else. i'm so excited that we have started to make decisions for our life because we KNOW what we want, we know what we want for ourselves, our children and our future and we will act accordingly. no more letting things happen and hoping they 'work out' no more making foolish decisions or hasty decisions and talking about how even though its maybe not the best it will be ok. sure its ok, its all turned out ok... but there has been A LOT of work and A LOT of heartache that could have been avoided with a little wisdom and responsibility. anyway all this is just to say that i'm super excited about the new outlook i feel like we both have on this life we are creating together. i'm excited because it feels like we are on the same page and it feels like there is hope. it feels good to truly know that we can create the life we want, we dont have to just take life as it comes... we are the ones making it... we are the ones defining it.


meg said...

i don't know what's been going on, but you sound amazing and the change that you're describing comes through so clearly.
and seriously - this post makes me so happy.

Will McCabe said...

I like your new outlook, and yours and Seth's new philosophy for planning and making good family decisions. Growth is awesome! You guys are awesome!


Monica said...

the third paragraph reminds me of my own mother. she found out she was pregnant with my sister on my first birthday, and she cried nonstop because just as she felt she was getting her life back, she felt like it was taken away again. i know she's not the type who feels like she was born to be a mother, and she hasn't always been super caring like most people think mothers should be, but she's still an amazing person, and i couldn't love her more. she taught me how to be a strong woman, how to go for the things that are important to me, and how to be the person i want to be. i think you're an amazing example to your girls, and i'm really happy for you after reading this post.