when something terrible happens.
when you are having a really hard time.
when you are about to face something big and overwhelming.
i feel like because i can't say "i'll pray for you", i have nothing of worth to say to them. i dont wish i could say that because in honesty, i think its just default to most of those who say it. there are few who mean it i'm sure, but mostly people just dont know what to say and can easily cover the awkwardness with an "i'll be praying for you". when you can't say that you're left with the raw, awkward silence of not knowing what to say.
i never want anyone i love, or even a stranger in the midst of tragedy, to think i'm apathetic because i dont offer my prayers. but i dont pray, i dont believe in it and it doesn't mean anything to me. anytime i refer to it, its just default from the all the years of being taught that it was true.
so in these situations all i'm left with is "i'm so sorry." and i feel its never enough.
prayer is the weirdest thing to me. its always been weird to me but now i just can't even comprehend it. i feel so uncomfortable when i rarely pray with arabella, or when i'm at someones house and they all bow their heads and pray. i respect it, i just dont know what to do with myself. it feels so silly to sit there and pretend. i dont believe there is someone there listening, i think its just us. just us wanting to do something we think is right, to connect to something we're hoping is real, to feel like we somehow have control... because we always need to have control.
this is scattered. its just something i've thought about many times since i let go of prayer. and something i think about a lot because a lot of my friends are christians who talk about how "powerful" prayer is. but i dont think its powerful apart from maybe the energy and motivation we create when we are focused. but that has nothing to do with god.