when something terrible happens.
when you are having a really hard time.
when you are about to face something big and overwhelming.
i feel like because i can't say "i'll pray for you", i have nothing of worth to say to them. i dont wish i could say that because in honesty, i think its just default to most of those who say it. there are few who mean it i'm sure, but mostly people just dont know what to say and can easily cover the awkwardness with an "i'll be praying for you". when you can't say that you're left with the raw, awkward silence of not knowing what to say.
i never want anyone i love, or even a stranger in the midst of tragedy, to think i'm apathetic because i dont offer my prayers. but i dont pray, i dont believe in it and it doesn't mean anything to me. anytime i refer to it, its just default from the all the years of being taught that it was true.
so in these situations all i'm left with is "i'm so sorry." and i feel its never enough.
prayer is the weirdest thing to me. its always been weird to me but now i just can't even comprehend it. i feel so uncomfortable when i rarely pray with arabella, or when i'm at someones house and they all bow their heads and pray. i respect it, i just dont know what to do with myself. it feels so silly to sit there and pretend. i dont believe there is someone there listening, i think its just us. just us wanting to do something we think is right, to connect to something we're hoping is real, to feel like we somehow have control... because we always need to have control.
this is scattered. its just something i've thought about many times since i let go of prayer. and something i think about a lot because a lot of my friends are christians who talk about how "powerful" prayer is. but i dont think its powerful apart from maybe the energy and motivation we create when we are focused. but that has nothing to do with god.
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5 comments:
I had a hard time with this after I began to redefine what christianity meant for me. I came to a decision a while ago that I would just say "I'll pray for you" unless I meant it. I feel bad when I don't say it to everyone every time I "should" but whatever.
Also. I don't agree with you that no one is listening. (obviously)
interesting post. I dont like saying "I'll be praying for you" either because I probably really wont be. Although I will say "I'll keep you in my thoughts" because that I can do. Also I think saying "I'm so sorry" IS enough. Because its true.
I believe it, with all my heart and I feel it. I am not trying to connect with something that I hope is real, it is something I know is real. I have seem miracles in my life, I have seen things changed by the grace of God. When I say im going to pray for someone I pray for them. Its so hard for my brain to see that beautiful young girl that was at church when I got there who had such revelations of Gods word just say she just doesnt believe it. Its actually very painful, a lot of times, I dont know why I read your blog. It actaully causes me physical pain. Its very strang for me!
We have very similar mothers, and I understand a lot of what you say when you talk about her. I think that I would most likely be an abusive alcoholic mother if it wasnt for God.
Ok, first of all, if it's painful to read... You really shouldn't. I find it very strange that it would be "painful" to read my blog... That would be like me saying it was painful to watch you stay at mercy church. Because I thought it was creepy and weird... But you were happy... And I even knew people who stayed who weren't happy but it's not "painful" to watch... It's just their life. Their choice. If anything moving away from christianity has been AMAZING for me. There was a hard time of transition but now it's better than ever. So... Don't be in pain over me and if you can't help it then yea... Maybe don't read.
Ok... About the comment... You are hoping, you don't "know". You believe. You believe the "miracles" that you have seen (which by the way are also something you have chosen to believe are even miracles) are from god. You have chosen to BELIEVE that he has done the good things in your life. This is not "knowing". This is faith. And even the bible talks about how faith is hoping in the things you can't see. Hope, faith, belief. Isnt that the point of faith? That you DONT know? But you hope and you believe and you put your trust in it anyway?
So you believe god is real, you have faith that he is, you hope, you trust. I would bet that you would even give your life for it you believe it so much. But you can't know it's real. No one can know until life is over... And even then... We don't know what will happen. We can only choose to believe in something and hope that it is real. Of course you live like you think it's real, that's belief. That's a conviction of a belief. But imagine how many people believe in things that you don't.. And think those things are real. You wouldn't say they were. So.. Who's right? We don't know. That my friend, is why we have faith. Faith that god is real, faith that the bible is true, faith that Jesus is god, faith that he's not, faith that people are good, faith that people are evil, it's all faith. It's all hope.
I feel this way too....what do you say. I am NOT christian...but not 'nothing' either. I have taken to saying, "i am sending you warm and loving thoughts" if it's something dyer or tragic. I am comfortable with that, because I still have a spiritual connection....but would never say "I am praying for you"...too uncomfortable.
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