I’ve traded my clothes for a safety pin with a number on it
And I’m camouflaged
Wrapped in white and stripped of dignity
Here I sit
I wait
Scared
In a room devoid of atmosphere
The needle in my arm pushes cool liquid into me
I think of the things that will be pulled out of me
Out of my heart, out of my mind, out of my body

I am wasted and tired
I am ready to end this thought
I am ready to end this motion
I am ready to come out from under my covers

In silence we all stare past each other
There is no race, no status, nothing that separates us
Our naked bodies sit in defensive composure
The truth is covered only by thin white cloth
We share the same destiny
And our hearts beat together
Fast and nervous
Do theirs?

Each name that’s called thickens the air
Hope for lack of pain
Fear for conviction
Our eyes are in agreement
No one here wavers

Three seasons have passed
Only three
And I’m full again
This time it’s goodbye
This time the intention is not the same

I pick up my own iv and push it down the forsaken hallway
For one minute I am alone
Alone with my choice
Alone with my body
Alone with my mistake
The clock slows to a dreadful, pitiful tick

My eyes only search
My mind only wanders
But my heart alone catches the blood
Carelessly smothering the metal in its ugly shade of red
Instruments foreign to me scream out my name
I inventory the sizes, the shapes
I inventory my mind for all the ways these sizes are used

Just in time they are covered

The conviction never comes
The battle never starts
The wavering is not an option
Only the physical reality moves my mind

I find peace in my sleep
Peace in the pulling
Peace in the breaking
Peace in the end.