Saturday, May 24, 2008

music into marriage

there have been a couple instances lately concerning seth doing music that have finally brought me closure....

when we found out we were having another baby we decided that what would be best for our family as a whole would be seth not doing music full time like we had planned.. which was really hard because not only for the first time was i seriously feeling like i could handle it but he finally had a band together and was getting pumped and getting shows booked... we decided he would finish what was booked and do conerstone, then play shows that are close and maybe do some short like 1 or 2 week tours.... we decided that for the future a couple short tours a year would be the perfect compromise where he could still do what he loved but our family would be together and have a steady income.....

although it made so much sense it was really hard to see him sad and see him really let go of something he thought would always be a certain way. it wasnt that he was giving up the dream of music either, which is what was so weird, it was him giving up this idea in his head of music being the 'it' and the idea of full time tour as a lifestyle... it didn't take long for him to stop feeling sad, and he would say how he knew it was right all the time and how he was caught up in what he thought it was supposed to be like that there wasn't room for it to be different.... i felt better, but deep inside i still had that feeling that seemed it had been there since we got married, that i was the one keeping him from his 'calling'.... he was never the one to make me feel that way. he would say that he chose us and our family and that would chose that over and over... but since we had never had a compromise until this it always was either us or music.... at least this time there was a compromise, but i still felt like the thing he was losing was my fault.

then he went on the little 2 week tour they did and when he came home in the middle for a day he told me how hard it was to be away from ara and that he would totally feel like he was missing out on her life if he did tour full time.... that helped me feel a little bit better again....

but the other night is when i finally got my closure and felt peace. he went to a show of his friends downtown and afterwards he came home and said 'that was the first time i went to a show and felt like that is not what i want to do' (tour full time, not playing music) i was shocked. before every time he went to a show he'd say how he missed doing music. this time we just talked for a long time and he just said how he felt like the life he has is perfect our family, a way to make money and music can be for fun... we talked about how when he was younger touring forever seemed great cause he was a single guy, but now he wants our family..... this doesn't make a whole lot of sense... but basically it was the first time i really truly saw that he was at complete peace and he knew deep in his heart that we were in the right place and this was the best possible outcome that could have been, even the guys in the band were telling him how he was so lucky to be in the place he is. when you are married to a musician its like there is another person in your marriage.... i've heard so many people say music is the other woman, and it really is... until the two who are in that marriage can take control of it together and find where it fits into their live together, not where they can fit into music. this has been a 3 year long battle of trying to feel peace and feel like both of us were getting what we needed and what we wanted. it was the single big thing we fought about.... i never wanted to take it away from him, and he never wanted to make me live a life i didn't want.... to know that we have finally overcome this hurdle is a feeling i can't even describe....

and this feeling is something i have felt a lot in our marriage lately, its so full and so rich. i feel like my whole life is so full of love, learning, peace, hope, happiness, forgiveness, understanding.... and nothing in my life is more overflowing with these things than my marriage. i never knew something could be this good... i feel like we have really come to a new grown up place in our marriage, its not that super crazy newlywed romance, trying to get to know what marriage means, fights about stupid stuff and learning who we are together place anymore, not that that phase wasnt necessary and fun at times... now its a warm deep romance thats full of understanding and talking, we know what we have and who we are, we know we can take on anything and talk about anything without fear or fighting, a place where we can rest in knowing that whatever or who ever comes our way, as one, the two of us can take it on and overcome, and be better than before. i'm more in love with my best friend than i ever have been.

4 comments:

meg said...

a sweet reminder of how hard and how amazing a real marriage is.

The Avilas said...

jenn and I have the same conversation...frequently. and I tell jenn exactly what seth tells you. not feeling guilty is hard for her, but like seth said, we choose you guys over music every day. and we will continue to do so. music is an unfaithful mistress. she gives and takes, but at the end of the day...she usually asks too much. seth is a good man. i know i'm preaching to the choir.

THE WHITTINGTONS said...

i haven't gotten to say congrats yet on the new baby! when is your due date? and how old is arabella now? i haven't seen her in forever.

as far as music and our men... i agree on together coming to a place of compromise and trust.

Erin Hellar said...

I got teary eyed at the end there! I am so happy for you. I feel the same way about my marriage and it is so refreshing to hear another woman talk about that feeling, about how strong, safe, and sublimely happy marriage can make you feel.