baby girl, i love you.

so as most of you who read my blog know, being pregnant was not what i was expecting and i have been having a very hard time coming to terms with the fact that this is happening.... i believe that this was right and that God knew better than we did, but that doesn't really make it any easier to let go of the things i will have to let go of in order to make room for this new adventure. when i found out i was pregnant my heart ached for so many reasons, the loss of a dream for seth, the loss of a dream so to speak for me.... when i was little i didn't have a very delightful childhood, it was mostly spent trying to survive but there was a time that i remember better than anything in my life. i was about 2 - 4 during these years that i love so much and during those times my mother was doing really well we had a family and she stayed home every day... i remember climbing trees in the backyard, her playing peek a boo with me while she was doing laundry in the garage, going to mervyns... A LOT. haha, getting hot dogs at cupids for lunch and feeding part of our buns to the birds, watching sesame street in the morning, i loved being up as early as my mom, while it was still dark outside i would lay on the couch still sleepy and she would make her coffee in the kitchen with the overhead oven light on. i still put my oven light on to remind me of those times. anyway these years of my life were very, maybe even the most important years i can remember, the being alone with her and being a little girl... and when i found out i was pregnant ara was just getting to that age where it was me and her hanging out, not just me and a baby. i realized soon after i found out that i was pregnant that not only were these special alone times with her everyday going to be over soon, but that she probably wont remember them. i know that her childhood will be wonderful and it will be so good for all her childhood memories to have her little sister in them, that will be her special time.... but this means i have to let go of that dream i had of making those memories with her.... there will be another there with us. i know in the end that this is right and it is better for her and i, but it is not what i was dreaming about and getting excited for.... its not what i was ready for at all..... so its time for me to say good bye to what i had pictured and open my heart to what is, what is real, what is good and what is right.. but thats not as easy as it may seem, and for now i am sad. for now i have to feel sad for that dream i have to feel sad that i have to let it go. i feel sad for letting all the other things i had just gotten back that i was excited about too... like being able to go out with my friends, to be able to have a drink and not worry about milk, feeling like myself in stead of a crazy hormonal milk supplier, being my normal weight, sleeping all night, not having a baby. ha... but really all those things were finally over and i was so ready for them to be and so thankful to be in that new place and back to myself, it had been so long since i had really felt like skylana and not just arabellas mom/food. and in one moment it was all gone, ... for the next year and a half to two years... that's a long time when you dont feel ready and when you've only been back to the good things for a month (after about 2 years of the crazyness)..... anyway all this is just to say that right now i am sad still and it may take this whole pregnancy for me to get ready for this baby and it may take this whole pregnancy to get excited or to feel real love... but i believe that that is ok, it is even good... it makes me feel closer to God and closer to seth and cherish every moment i spend with arabella now. so when people ask me if i am excited i dont have the answer they want, because no, i am not... i know i will be sometime but i'm not now yes STILL after almost 5 months , and it might be the same at 9 months, but when i say how i feel (because i'm not the faking happy type) i'm just really sick of hearing 'but it will be good when the baby gets here' or ' you'll love it when you see it' or whatever it just makes me feel even more depressed and bummed out... because i know i will love this baby, i know it is good but if i dont get there on my own by going through this sadness then it doesnt matter because i haven't gained what i need to from being human and feeling pain and grief to get to what's good. those statements just write off this huge thing in my life that is changing my whole world. and i'm sure its just that people dont know what to say, but its ok sometimes to say nothing... its ok to let someone feel sad, even if its uncomfortable.

i just get the feeling that people think you should only feel happy in this situation and just say 'oh well, it'll be good' but its not like some random thing that doesn't really matter that was not expected but can be fun.... its a human being, its your life, its your husbands life, its your childs life.... and its real... it may not be exciting and happy and super great and easy but that doesnt mean its not ok. its ok to feel sad, or angry or whatever at times, i believe God puts us in those places and wants us to feel those things so we can learn.... and that's where i am, it is hard and it is good, it is sad and sometimes lonely but it is full of God and full of hope.

i do love this baby and somehow i feel like all the things i feel are separate from the baby itself.... but it will still take me time to really reconcile all of that and be excited for this child even though there are things i cant be excited about....

ok. well anyway.... that's where i am, and i know i'm headed to a good place.