dreamer

i wrote my dream from the other night on the avilas blog because he asked about weird dreams... and then i started thinking about that dream and the whole night....

so i have had intense dreams my whole life, crazy dreams, vivid dreams, dreams that later come true, dreams that scare the hell out of me, dreams about my dad that are so real... i had a time in my life where i had such terrifying dreams about demons and dead people, i would wake up and i would still see them. the only thing that would make them go away was praying and asking jesus to take them away. it freaks me out sometimes because i dont understand how my mind comes up with some of these things, i mean i know i see things on tv and all, but my dreams are so real and weird sometimes... anyway, for example i had a dream a while ago that i was a child and i was with my friends and we had accidently killed our friend, we were so scared we decided the best way to hide her was to cut her up and put her in bags and hide them.... (i didn't see us do that, i just knew thats what we had done) we were taking the bags out of a dresser and i was holding one and i felt the body parts in my hand, so real... i woke up and was so scared and felt like the most horrible person in the world.. i just kept telling seth 'that's not me, that's not me, i would never dream that, i would never think that, i would never do that' .... anyway i know my dreams are influenced by things i watch, but i hadn't watched anything about anything like that... i dont normally ever watch scary things, ever. .... so anyway, the other night i watched reaper, which is supposed to be a funny show, and it is... and normally its not scary to me either but in this episode the guy had to catch a soul (i know soooo cheesy) that was a seriel killer before it died and it showed the dead people and all... i stopped watching half way through cause i knew i wasn't going to be able to sleep. i was up most of the night worrying about someone breaking into our house, which is kind of unreasonable anyway since we live upstairs, they'd be more likely to go for the easy break in downstairs... ok so then i finally fell asleep for a bit and i dreamed that this lady called me and said she was going to kill me that wednesday night, i knew her voice.. she reminded me of those old dreams i would have of dead people and of demons. we had heard about this happening and she would take a man with her and while she confused the people he would come out of nowhere and kill them... we prepared our house for three days so that no one could break in, we bought a gun and i just kept telling seth i loved him and i didn't want to die... that night the man came and was on our balcony, we called 911 and i started to get he gun... he came in and i went to shoot him, when i went to shoot him it was like i had come out of my body and lived someone else's whole life and at the end hundreds of books flashed in front of me, all the books this other person had read.... i didn't really understand why that was happening and it doesnt seem like a scary dream, but i woke up in so much fear and i just wanted to pray but i didn't know what to pray or who to pray to... and i felt like i heard that same lady's voice in my heart or mind or something saying 'why dont you pray to jesus? can he make us go away? will it work?' and i just felt like i didn't know, and i didn't know what else to do.. the only way my dreams and fears have left before have been because i pray to jesus, so i prayed.. i just said 'god i dont know if jesus is real, i dont know if that's you, but i'm afraid and this wont go away, somehow please come and make it all go away' and it did. i dont know what any of that means, was i thinking this all myself? did God really make it go away? or was i just having a war between me and myself in my head... all my fears have been so much better the past year, most have gone completely. i dont want those fears to make their way back into my life, but i dont know what truth is the kind of truth that will keep them out of my mind. if that makes any sense. i've always combated my fear with prayer, prayer to jesus.. but without that what do i do? is there another way? i think there is, i just dont know.