Sunday, August 17, 2008

depressed.

i've been feeling depressed lately and i dont know how to fix it. there are a few major reasons that i know i feel depressed one being our housing situation, the second being that i'm pregnant/having a baby (which i still just dont know how to really come to terms with, but i have to say that this week it has slightly started to get better, so there's hope) the third being issues within my family, the fourth being that i want to do more, i'm sick of just being home with arabella all day, i want a job, and the fifth being i have literally NO time to myself..well at night, but usually i'm so tired it doesnt matter.... i think that's it. seth is going to start helping me have a couple hours a week where i can do things without arabella, which is amazing and sooo needed.... but the other stuff is just all things i can't change, i've done all i believe i can do in each situation and now i just have to wait, pray and hope for the change that they each need.... but that of course doesn't just make my heart not care about those things... so it is sad. i just hate feeling this way, i can feel my heart aching and it seems so silly because i have so much to make me happy.... but for me happiness isnt just like 'oh i have good things, i'm happy' its something deep inside thats either there or not.... i mean i am happy to an extent always because of seth and arabella... but my heart is just in an aching phase and theres nothing i can really do about it right now. i feel like i just want to sleep it off, but when i wake up, its still there....

i just wanna hang out with flo.

she said she needed a de-stress bath tonight and i was like yea i need a de-depressed bath/massage/sell our house and move/hang out with you/done being pregnant.


*also a funny thing cause, its still me... we went to church today and the place we went there was a guest speaker and NOT EVEN JOKING he was talking the entire time like he was performing a Shakespearian monologue. i loved every second of the weird voices and fake crying straight to shouting.... it was the best. on the way home seth and i were just laughing and talking about how wild it was and at the EXACT same time we were like 'i wish i had a video of that'. so good.

4 comments:

Beth McDermott said...

Im sorry youre sad, and that things are hard for now... I know this doesnt change anything for you at the moment and it might be hard to believe, but when I was suprise preg with A-bell we were renting a little gross place in the sticks and there was MAJOR family drama and I was suuuuper depressed felt like we were screwed forever and things never ever seemed they would change or get better... but somehow... they did. I know it will happen for you guys too, because you 2 are rad, and hard things dont keep rad people down forever...
Oh, and I know Im sooooo not Flo... but COME OVER already. Sheesh!

The Avilas said...

jenn and I didn't make it to church on Sunday, but as soon as I read your post, I knew exactly who you were talking about. classic! our church is so weird.

Flo Oakes said...

:(

Love you.

Heidi said...

i am depressed too. I don't know you but I can feel your pain. I will have a vodka drink for you since you cant have one cause your prego. maybe just pray and ask for joy? I am going to do that later. hope all is well.