Wednesday, August 20, 2008

freedom comes with a price

so this morning was supposed to be my first sort of 'day off'... just four hours where seth watches arabella and i go do whatever i want. i have never had this experience since she was born and obviously it is a vital part of being a human to have time to yourself but it was also highly suggested by my midwife who had become very concerned about how much time i was spending on my own. which is none. i didn't realize just how much i needed it...

the problem with today was that i woke up feeling super shitty, i've had a stuffy nose the past week, and usually seth wakes up with ara at 6 and i sleep til 7 or 730 for the most part while i'm pregnant... (seems an even trade since this pregnancy time is my last time to sleep again, um kind of, until nov when i start getting up every two hours for who knows how long.... side note: remembering that makes me want to give up on everything i believe in and give this kid formula so i can share feeding duties and not have to deal with hormones anymore.. but, i can't.) anyway this morning, he chose not to... my wisdom teeth have been coming in this past few days also and i dont know if you all know what that's like, but its pretty much a constant headache for how ever many days they decide to work themselves out... so i was a little annoyed when the moment we heard arabella yelling from her room at 6am this morning turned out to be the moment seth asked me to wake up with her this morning... (bless his heart because he seriously wakes up with her every morning) and had this been a normal day (like not one i had been looking forward to for a week, expecting to be on my own) and also had i not felt super crappy with the congestion and headache i would have just gotten up happily. i got up. but NOT happily.... anyway all this to say it started off the day in a bummer mood, i tried to make it better, had tea, actually took a shower in the morning with the door closed!!! (um WILD)... but that didn't really change the headache and congestion, plus i was just real tired since sleeping has started to get REAL hard (freaking being pregnant). i finally got out of the house, went to slo, dropped something off with my mom, drove downtown, about to go to barnes and noble and just sit and read but instead i just cried in the car, cause i felt physically sick, super tired and LAME. i just wanted to go home and sleep. so that's what i did. i came home and i'm going to take a nap.

but all of this just made me realize that if its this dramatic for me to just have 4 hours out alone in 20 months, i need to get a grip and figure out time on my own more often, cause i think i'm losin it.

its just been hard to get time because there's not really anyone to watch her during the day, and any other time we have her watched seth and i NEED the time together, cause every night he's just really busy and we dont see each other... same with the weekends, if he's not busy we both miss each other so much i dont want to leave and hang out by myself... i want to be with my family. they should have a class that teaches moms how to perfectly divide their time between their children, husbands and selves....

thank God, seth has offered to work different hours on wednesdays every week til the baby's born so i can have time to myself in the morning. what a sweet heart. lets just pray that next week i dont have a nervous break down and i can enjoy it.....

4 comments:

Steph said...

hmm, I don't know if this applies to you or would even help, but do you know any mom's who are in the same boat as you are? because maybe you could work something out where they watch Arabella for 2 hours (or whatever you decided) once a week, and then you do the same for them? You would be able to get some errands done, spend some time w/ Seth if he was home, take a decent nap, whatever... I know babysitting other people's kids isn't the best but it might be worth it for the sweet release of some alone time? And arabella might like the company!

Just a thought.

A thankful heart said...

aww:( I think what you're feeling is totally normal! I never felt that way until we got married and I had a lot more time to just be alone with Jaden....I had almost too much time to sit and stew/think about things...which with girls, when we have time to think about things we go crazy.. But anyway, a couple of super sweet girlfriends offered for me to come over and just let the kids play outside in a safe environment while we sat inside talking...and that always made me feel better..

I found for me, these "nervous breakdown" times come in spurts... I would go like 6mths with out feeling confined and then one day wake up and it would feel like the world was ending....or at least I'd act that way:)

I think it's really nice to have time "alone"....it's not often, but I do enjoy it...but I also think it's important (which this is near impossible with a toddler..but this is the "training stage")is we as moms are not here to be their entertainment...you should come over and we'll let the kids just play together and entertain each other..I know it's hard when there is only one...but there are also perks...no fighting of sharing or bullying:) Anyway, when I realized that I was constantly entertaining my kids instead of allowing them to use those incredibly creative noggins my stress level went down a little:) I hope that was a tad helpful! I just know having time "alone" or to yourself while the kids are still around helped me alot:)

p.s. Monday nights are Rexs' nights off, maybe we can all go to the park and Seth and Rex can play with our babes and we could sip on some yummy drinks:) call me..scratch that..text me:)

Anonymous said...

Wow. I happened upon your blog a couple of days ago from momsareforeveryone. I appreciate your honesty. Seriously. I really hope you get more time out by yourself. It's crucial to the mental stability of any person, especially a mother who takes care of others physically and emotionally 24/7.

mrs. warren said...

you poor thing! a lot of that is probably your hormones getting the best of you. lots of pregnant women feel like they're losing it but really, they're not. your "days off" will be a lot more enjoyable when you don't feel sick.