Saturday, September 6, 2008

i dont know

i was feeling bummed last night because i had a realization that every once in a while slams back into me like a ton of bricks.

i dont have a best friend.

i have friends who are the best friends to me out of all my friends... really super close friends that i adore and who are super great. i wouldn't trade them for one best friend... but still every once in a while i see something or i see two people that remind me that i dont have that one best friend that so many people have and it makes me really sad. i always wanted to have that connection with one person who knows you inside out and you the same with them, just the two of you. especially when you grew up together or something... which obviously i never could have had since i never stayed in one place longer than a year and now i'm pretty sure i never will have... because every one else already has their best friend or has already grown up with someone... i can't grow up again. ha. but really even with my two closest friends, they are my best friends in the sense that they really treat me the best and are the closest to me out of all my friends. but even they have their own best friend who has been there their whole life... each other. funny. anyway sometimes i just want that soooo bad, someone who feels passionate about the things i do like healthy eating/living, natural childbirth, god, politics etc... but at the same time wants to watch gossip girl with me and have fake crushes on chuck bass... or wants to look at us weekly and talk about how ashlee simpson is pregnant or what dresses are cute or how stars really are 'just like us'. its hard to even find people who are passionate about the things i am and also like totally superficial lame teenage shows...
its always one or the other.

i'm thinking...its hard enough for me to just be friends with people. i am very particular about who i spend my time with because i know i'm a very hard person to understand and handle... so i'm pretty sure at this point i've found all the people who could possibly understand me to the point flo and erin do... and i'm starting to wonder if anyone understanding or relating to me more than that is even a possible reality, if i could find them, and i mean if they even exist. cause even with me and erin and flo.. we agree on most big stuff, some we dont but when it comes to the little things we're almost opposite about EVERYTHING. which is cool with them and i like it. but sometimes you just want someone to totally get why you like all the little things you like because they like them too...

anyway i'm so thankful for the friendships i have, i prayed to find someone who understood me my whole life and God gave me three people, which is insane... and i do have a husband who really was and is my best friend. i hate saying it cause it sounds so cliche and everyone thinks they marry their best friend.... but i mean like... all we were for so long was best friends... which is also amazing. but i guess its just a normal thing for a girl to have this deep down desire to have that special friendship with another girl who can relate to you in everything.. or almost everything.

i feel like deep down i've always been alone, not completely understood by anyone... i think growing up so differently to most the people i have known has A LOT to do with that... it just makes this deep ache in my heart that most the time i dont feel... but every once in while i get reminded of it and i just wish with all my heart that i had that friendship.

8 comments:

monica said...

i pretty much feel like i could have written this post. too weird. my whole life i've moved around a lot and every single time i though "this is going to be it, this is the time i meet my best friend" then i'd picture us doing all of my favorite things together and talking about all the things i'm passionate about (because of course we'd have the same interests). but it never happened. in high school i became close with 2 girls and to this day they are my "best friends" but they are best friends with each other (and they've also grown up together), so it's not really the same for me. now i'm in my 20s and my boyfriend is truly my best friend in the sense that he knows every single thing about me and understands me better than i even understand myself sometimes. most of the time it doesn't matter to me that i don't have that girl best friend, but once in a while it really does hit so hard that i want to cry. i think i've kind of given up hope of ever finding that kind of best friend friendship with another female.

monica said...

p.s. i totally want to get into gossip girl but is it too late since i already missed the first season?

Patti Jo said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel.

A thankful heart said...

this was sweet.i always leave your blog with polar opposite thoughts.. sometimes, confused.. tender hearted...maybe a little upset(honestly:)...moved and melted...and this one is just sweet. just so you know, i have friends i've "known" my whole life and not one of them is my dearest, most intimate best friend... really rex, my brothers and my parents are. and not any of the(expect rex) really knows me to my inner core you know...we're all passionate(to different degrees) about the same things and we agree on the major issues, most of the minors too, but other than rex, i don't have a "best friend."

i don't really know why i'm writing this, i guess i wanted you to know i think what you're experiencing is normal...it doesn't make you feel better, but it's normal:) i also thought i'd let you know, that while i'm pretty sure we're both passionate and have an appreciation for the same things(but just disagree on the "outcome" or whatever...like politics, God, marriage, healthy living, immunizations, etc...) i think it's super fun and "human" to have a more light hearted side to us girlies...my guilty pleasure when i get me hair done, is PEOPLE magazine...yep i said it..shock me shock me:) and I looked up Gossip Girl and watched like 3 episodes (the ones with the mean girl.. Ginger or something:) and i'm lame, but i totally got caught up in it...i know, i know....oh, to add to our differences...i totally don't like chuck bass...i didn't really feel anything for any of the boys...but i did, prepare yourself, like the poor boy with the blonde sister...yeah his DAD... i'm an old hag...ha anyway, i know what you mean, but your blessed to have lots of friends who love you equally....and they're all sooo different! how fun!

Sarah Lam said...

ugh i know how you feel. no seriously i do hah. my two "best friends" now are two guys that have been friends with each other since they were in elementary school. Being best friends with boys are awesome, but I totally have those moments when I wish I had a girl best friend that I grew up with, too. Someone to laugh about inside jokes and funny childhood moments...going to their house and just walking in instead of knocking...raiding their fridge without asking, and talking with their parents as if they were my own. i've always wanted that. most of the time i am fine with how things are and i love love love my friends SO flippin much, but you're totally right-there are those times when you feel like you have been missing out on something. =/

ps that's so funny cuz all of my girlfriends up here in the bay area are crazy about health and organic food and working out etc, but we also love love love gossip girl, the hills, etc. oh and we def subscribe to us weekly, star, etc. ;] did you catch the gossip girl premiere??? 3 words...8 letters!! ahhhh chuck + blair!!!

Emery Jo said...

awwww I feel this way too. I went and saw Mama Mia yesterday (AND I HAD NO CLUE IT WAS A MUSICAL BTW) and it was cheesy but there were three girls/women who were best friends and it made me wish I had someone like that.

kristy tolbert said...

ya, i think at my age it is too hard to find a close friend like that. But OH MY GOSH how awesome is Gossip Girl. I try to make Joel watch it so we can gab like girls about it together. Never Happens." People think I'm a jerk for liking Chuck Bass the best. So what if he gets a little "rough" with the ladies. Now i sound like a jerk again.

Samantha said...

I remember way back in elementry school I think I was in the 5th grade at Sunnyside in Los Osos. I had an amazing best friend that came to the school in the middle of the year. We always were together, on the playgroud, jungle gym, cartweels in the grass. I know we must've been about eight or nine. But for a little girl I've remembered your friendship threw all these years. I was so sad when you left but I knew it wasn't your fault. And now that were older I know we don't really know eachother. But I wanted you to know about the little girl who had a best friend Skylana.