just a heads up- i tried to lace this post with as many links as i could.
marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman went on oprah talking about his book The Truth About Cheating and he talked about the reasons men gave as to why they cheated. the majority of men cheated because there was something missing in their relationship... that they didn't feel appreciated etc. he emphasizes that most men aren't cheating for the sex... then he gives examples of things wives can do to prevent they're men from straying....
a lot of women freaked out saying he was 'blaming women' for men cheating and a lot of them said it is just about the sex. .. this really chapped my ass as i like to say, because it just shocks me that women would first of all feel better about putting the opposite sex in a category where they are feeling-less pigs than understanding that they themselves could have had a part in driving their husbands away and learning how to change that and become better partners. i dont think cheating is excusable, but i refuse to accept this idea that the woman that a cheating man is married to has NO responsibility in the relationship getting to the point where a husband would even think about cheating. that's ridiculous. gary talks about the fact that there are definitely men who cheat because they want to and those are the guys who show no remorse.... but that these are not the majority of the men who do cheat... the majority are men who are normal guys, work all day long take care of their family and want to feel appreciated for that.... and any person who is not appreciated or understood long enough could be easily tempted to make a mistake or do something otherwise out of their character.... i think its soooooo good that he's trying to teach women what men need, its not about who's fault the cheating is, because yes in the end its always the one who cheats fault that they actually took action, but its about giving your partner what they need so they dont get alienated over time. ... because in a lot of cases that leads to a terrible mistake. lets fix it before it happens is what he is trying to say and if we want to do that then we have to create healthy marriages where partners feel appreciated by each other.. and he only talked about men that day but he is writing a book about why women cheat too. anyway. it just makes me annoyed that so many women can't focus on the whole point of what he's saying, that our men need our approval and our appreciation just as much as we need theirs and if they dont have it they might look elsewhere for it, because they're human. like us. the thing is too that most the women who are angered by it are women who have been cheated on, but its like.... can they really not see that that is just the heart speaking from bitterness? not wanting to admit that things you did lead him to that place? take the advice and make your next relationship better, healthy...
when you're in a relationship you are never alone, everything they do affects you and everything you do affects them. men are not just mindless pigs who only follow their dicks.... and to make them out to be such only shows weakness on our part ladies... and obviously further proves the point that if we think that way our men will be misunderstood and left to find that understanding and appreciation somewhere else.
and really was it that big of surprise to know that men need that continuous approval and appreciation for the things they do day in and day out like all people do?
----Although Gary discusses how wives of cheaters can factor into affairs, he says he wrote the book to empower women. "It's not about blaming the wife. It can't be. I mean, cheating is ridiculous. It's wrong. And you can't justify it," Gary says. "My book is about one thing. It's really about empowering women. If I can give you knowledge that says that I could have proof that if you do certain things, you can lead your relationship to a better place, that will be much better for you as well because it's not just about stopping tragedy. It's about building a much more mutually beneficial relationship."----- if this doesn't make sense to you and you're in a relationship, the relationship probably isnt as healthy as you think....
its weird that people dont think this way to me, i feel like if seth cheated i would definitely be pissed but i would know i had a part in getting him to that point. his fault in it would be the action he took after feeling the way he did, my fault in it would be the things i did to make him feel the way he did. that doesn't seem crazy or hard to understand to me, it seems like duh... that's what relationships are all about. i'm here to make seth happy and feel the best he can, to make him feel like he has value and worth and that he's going into work every day for a reason, a good reason... and he is here to do the same... thats how people survive and its not just in marriage, people thrive off of feeling important and appreciated, so when they dont it doesn't seem illogical to expect them to do irrational things to feel important and appreciated. that doesnt make those irrational actions right, but its a lot more complicated than just right and wrong.
i certainly think there are guys who cheat cause they are idiots.... but most men aren't just idiots and i feel like women make them out to be a lot and i dont like it.
anyway did any ladies see that show? and what did you think of what he had to say?
for that matter did any guys see that show? or have something to say on this subject?
i pretty much always love what rabbi's have to say... above any other religious leader i've heard from, i respect them. another awesome rabbi with super good advice that i love is rabbi shmuley boteach.
i used to watch him on shalom in the home. awesome.
what these rabbi's have to say is what our society needs because our marriages and our family's have taken a dive of death.
8 comments:
links to: irrational, and idiots.
the best.
I'll comment later on my thoughts about adultery...move here already, I'm bored.
I agree with all of this FOR SURE. And I also love Rabbis.
Question for you: There was a lady who got all harped on awhile ago for writing about how she loved her husband above loving her children. Like, he took first priority in her heart and her children took second. And ohmygod I TOTALLY agreed with her. How do you feel about that?
I think it goes along these same lines.... a healthy marriage starts with honoring your mate... and children need to see that in order to grow to be strong adults who will honor their future mates as well... and on and on.....
em- yes, i heard about that lady... so stupid that people freaked out! hello!??! the rest of your life is to be with your partner... your kids are not your own, they'll grow up and find someone else who is that to them, and they'll love them more than you! haha... no wonder so many people get divorced... mixed up priorities being passed down.
the idiots link is great.
I wonder what percentage of men and women cheat? Like men more, or women more. Cuz I read this and thought, yea it goes both ways. I think women cheat just as much, or are as equally capable of having an because their needs aren't being met, or because they feel unappreciated.
This must be commented on because it makes a HUGE assumption that MOST cases of betrayal stem from these so-called problems within the relationship and that the wife in MOST cases has a lot to do with this and can prevent her spouse from his adulterous behavior. While I don't disagree that problems within a marriage undoubtedly contribute to the failing of many relationships, the idea that it DRIVES men to infidelity is a bit foolish. No matter what the wife is "doing wrong," no matter how many things could be better in the relationship, the choice of the man to betrayal is commitment to his wife is an issue of HIS OWN. It is a flaw in his OWN character. When someone cheats, they make a selfish decision to fulfill whatever needs they think will be met by the act of infidelity. Whether or not that works for them does not really matter, and whatever their "reasons" for this decision are, frankly don't really matter either if it overrides the love and trust he owes to his wife.
So a man (and I only use man as the cheater because that's what this speaks to) decides to cheat on his wife...and this says, that in turn, the WIFE...who I am in no way claiming has been the perfect wife, because this doesn't exist...is supposed to then look at herself and what SHE could have done differently. WOW. You honestly believe that? You must not have been cheated on before. Because it most cases, it is the faithful one who has put more effort and work and love into the relationship in the first place. Instead, how about the man...who consciously made a decision to lie, betray, and hurt his wife in inconceivable ways...take a look at why HE thought that decision was worth it. If this were speaking to the decision for a man to divorce his wife or end the relationship or something of that nature...then this might be a rational argument. But to see a cheating man, and first look for the flaws in his WIFE is just backward. A definite HARD, irreversible line is crossed when it becomes an issue of infidelity.
And the saddest part of all, is that many times women fall victim to this. Their spouse cheats, and they become completely consumed with the idea that it was somehow their fault that their husband lied, cheated, and broke up their family because he decided to sleep with some other woman. If she had just told him a few more times that he was appreciated then maybe he would have kept his shit in his pants? RIGHT. And what does he show for appreciating his wife by cheating?? COME ON. Let's have a little more self -worth than that.
anonymous- first of all i always have a hard time with people leaving real strong opinions on something when they're not behind it enough to leave their name.... but i will respond none the less... secondly what you have said sounds exactly like every other woman who was soooo pissed off by this guy, and as you said to me that i obviously have not been cheated on, to me it sounds like you or someone close to you was and you're still bitter, or maybe youre not married. third of all where you say 'it makes a HUGE assumption that MOST cases of betrayal stem from these so-called problems within the relationship and that the wife in MOST cases has a lot to do with this and can prevent her spouse from his adulterous behavior.' that's EXACTLY what he's saying. and i stand by the fact that i believe that is true. its not crazy to say that most men who cheat cheat because they have problems in their relationship and their wives contributed to this. he says a million times like i did (which every woman who disagrees seems to overlook) that this DOES NOT justify the act of cheating, nothing does, but it does show that there are ways to prevent people getting to the point where they make irrational decisions and commit irrational acts ie cheating... and it is MOST of the time that this is why guys do this, the whole point is that he's studied this and talked to thousands and thousands of couples in counseling, he's not just assuming anything. its the opposite of foolish to say that problems in a marriage and things the wife does to contribute to that drives a man -to a place- where he is willing to cheat (which is what i said). its foolish to act like its all the guy who cheats and the wife has no responsibility in getting her marriage to that point. it doesnt matter if a wife thinks shes giving and giving and giving and yet the husband doesn't feel it, then they're not communicating right and its still both of their faults. the point of this isn't to say its all her fault, obviously its not, but its not all his fault that their marriage has become stale for him. it takes two. always in marriage. i believe this is half the reason why yea i haven't been cheated on and i never will, because my husband and i communicate and he gets what he needs and more. the other half is that if he got to that point, he would be a man and talk to me instead of acting on those feelings (and if he didn't, i believe we could communicate through it because our marriage is made of soooooooo much more than one mistake could destroy), but its both our responsibility and vice versa. maybe the reason you, or whoever you know got cheated on is because they're not able to see their side in being responsible in a relationship enough to make it work and to communicate, and their responsibility also to have grace and compassion when people do make irrational choices that lead to acts like cheating... because it could happen to anyone, that's the point to look at men who cheat like they are feeling thinking human beings who made a mistake and that there are deeper reasons for what they did than them being just idiots who wanted to ruin their marriages. there are those kind of guys, who have no remorse... but to categorize all men as that, is disgusting.
and hello!?!? if you're going to disagree, which i DO NOT mind... please just make points that i didn't already address, pay attention before you write cause you say 'But to see a cheating man, and first look for the flaws in his WIFE is just backward' but he doesn't do that and that's not what he's saying... he DEFINITELY looks at the guys first and what they did and why they thought it was worth it and he even says the act of cheating is NEVER JUSTIFIABLE but he realizes that you HAVE to look at both partners and their part in getting a marriage to that point. it would be stupid not to... and you would never be able to see your marriage survive that mistake, which is his goal, to help couples survive infidelity.
megan- yea i would think that women cheat as much as men, i totally think its a myth that men cheat more, obviously we'll never know but there are sooo many women who cheat and i know there are women who cheat with no remorse just like there are some men who do...
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