Thursday, November 20, 2008

set me free.

example one. seth said something while we were driving one day about how it was so sad that his dog that he had had while he was younger died from its heart being too big. i had no response, because to me, that wasn't sad.

example two. seth came home and told me his friend's grandma might die very soon. again, no response, because to me, it wasn't sad.

i dont believe we are born 'sinful' or evil in our hearts. i believe that people are born good and life and things that really are evil corrupt us. so i dont believe that my 'nature' is to be sinful or to have the tendency to be heartless about things. i believe that something made me that way, life, other people, etc etc... as it does for everyone, i believe. so i have many theories as to why i would be so insensitive to other peoples feelings, or to things that are really important to other people... but it could be that i'm wrong too, that we are just born sinful.. who knows... anyways, seth and i got in fights about those two examples when they happened because for him it comes naturally to be very sensitive to all things other people feel.. really. i have compassion, but its either abundantly overflowing or there is none at all. i dont find everyday things worthy of much emotion or compassion. it takes extraordinary situations or tragedy to get a lot out of me. i dont express feelings or sympathy or compassion in these situations like i described above not because i want to be mean, but just literally because i feel NOTHING when i hear about them. like for those examples my thoughts were grandma's are supposed to die, they're old.... its better for them. i understand the person who's grandmas is dying being sad, but why would i be sad? its not my grandma and its just a normal part of life... its good. its not someone dying when they were young or your parent dying, or your child... (i know, a lot of you will hate me after this, but, oh well) and the dog i thought, it wasn't a person... and we all know dogs dont live forever... so why is that sad? these things make me wonder, am i really crazy insensitive? is seth just super sensitive? am i normal? am i super mean? how many other people out there feel like me?

anyway the whole point of this was to say that recently seth showed me his friends band delta spirit and i didn't really like them at first.. we went to see them at calpoly the other day and i really loved it... then i listened to their cd and heard the song streetwalker and i just started crying and saying how i loved God and that it was the first time in a long time that someone was talking about God in a way i could relate to. i would have overflowing compassion for the situations he describes in the song, because they are all stories of tragedy, but it made me think about the little things, that affect the people i love in small ways that i just feel black to... and i can understand saying 'love set me free' set me free to love people around me, even if that means just caring about their small cares... i wanna feel what that is like.

i can feel a wall inside me to having that kind of compassion... and honestly i believe that its hard for me to feel compassionate about things people go through that aren't nearly as sad as the things my childhood was surrounded with... and that same thing is what makes it easy for me to have compassion on people who go through worse things than i ever did, crazy deep, abundantly overflowing compassion. but i want to feel for both.

and i'm not sure that that's really why i am this way, but that's my main theory.

Streetwalker knows how to strut right
She knows the truth
Bad boys walking through the corridor
God knows what they're gonna do.

Darkness paraded across the headlines:
'Little girl stolen from her bedroom,'
Homeless, beat to death, or put out
Hopeless... greedy and cruel.

Oh why can't I feel for you?
My heart is so black to you--

Her head was spinning like a hurricane
Tina was singing her name
Old men like to rape her in the red light
She's too young and numb to complain

Little boy bought at the age of six,
Down the street he's wearing a dress
Look at his face, you won't see no innocence
He's got so much experience

Oh why can't I feel for you?
They lie, what can I do?

Oh Love, set me free!
Set me free!
Come on and set me free!

Oh Lord, set me free!
Set me free!
Come on and set me free!

Underground... the German Casanova
Underground... The Panamanian Queen
He whispers, "Down here, the law will never find you.
Down here I am your God and King"

It's a sin to sit and just do nothing,
There's a special place in hell for me
Oh God I just gotta do something
I swear to God this is happening--

Oh Love, set me free!
Set me free!
Come on and set me free!

Oh Lord, set me free!
Set me free!
Oh, it could have been me.

Oh Lord, set them free!
Set them free!
It could have been me.


Sarah said...

That's a beautiful song.

And I understand what you mean. Sometimes my friends will be really sad, and I'll ask them why, and it'll be something that I feel is totally minor. And here I was expecting this long tragedy. It's a little hard to feel compassionate towards them, but I just try to remind myself that it's a big deal to them, so I just try the best I can to be sympathetic.

You know, I truly feel that God has given us all different gifts and different hearts. I personally believe my gift is discernment, and my heart is called to help people that are hurting and struggling with depression. But there are some people whose hearts are for the elderly or for children, or whathaveyou.

Just because you may not be as sensitive as Seth is doesn't mean you're a hard person. You just have a different calling. But don't get me wrong, I don't think it's a bad thing that you want to feel compassion towards everyone. I'm just saying there's nothing wrong with you as you are.

meg said...

When you were explaining why you didn't feel sad, I thought you were going to say something like, it's sad that the dog's heart was to big, but that's kind of sweet in a way - to die of a big heart is poetic.

And about the grandma, I thought you'd say something about hoping she's in a better place, not in pain anymore, something like that.
I was a little surprised at your reaction, but I don't think this doesn't make you normal.

I think, really, if this is something you see in yourself, a wall you feel, and you don't like it, than that means something. Do something about it.

Straight up, stop comparing other people's pain to the pain you've endured. You know what they're going through now, but you don't know what they've been through in the past, or what they'll endure in the future. Who's to say your experiences are "worse"?

People live long lives. Everyday our lives are changed by our experiences, and there's no real way you can know where someone's been and what's happened to get them where they are today, experiencing the pain that you're not compassionate to.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I hope it doesn't come across that way, I'm just passionate about this subject I guess.

On a personal level I feel like I shouldn't have to tell everyone in the world about things that happened to me in the past to "prove" anyone should feel compassion toward me in my current circumstances.

If you don't feel it, don't fake it. But if this is something you want to change, perhaps caring about people in pain just cause they're people and for no other reason would be a good place to begin.

skylana said...

i did actually say to seth in the conversation about his dog that it was cute that his dog of all people's died from a heart that was too big! of course! ha.... yea i dont compare it in my head ever... like i never consciously think 'oh that's not as bad as stuff i've been through' i just thought it was normal for me to not feel anything when i heard stuff like that until seth and i had those conversations. so after we talked about it, then i started to think about why i was like that and he wasn't. whenever my feelings are the norm or what people expect you to feel its really really hard for me because its not just that i dont want to fake caring, i literally can't pull that kind of thing off. in the end i realized that i can feel for seth if he talks about something sad that happened that i think is silly, just cause i'm thinking of him being sad... even if the actual situation will never seem sad to me....

meg said...

so true. and really the majority of people I think feel that may not make me sad, but I can have compassion for the person going through it cause it's sad or sucks or whatever for them...even if it doesn't for me.
See. You're totally normal.