is so beyond my max i can't even explain it. i know another blog about how two kids is crazy, but it really really is. its crazy cause when it comes to like going grocery shopping or getting stuff done, i feel like i've got it down... but when it comes to having any sort of patience, or being happy with doing the same things all day every day and having two people who need me NONstop, i feel like i'm spinning out of control. i'm starting to get that depressed feeling that turns physical, its not just my mind anymore, its starting to envelope my heart and make my chest ache. i haven't felt this kind of depression for so long... its the kind that makes you just want to get under the covers and never come out, cry all day long, run away, live in the dark.. that probably sounds weird but maybe people who have been depressed would understand. since i can't do those things i just start to go into my mind and be distant, i feel like its the only way i'm ok. i dont want it to be like this, it was like this for 3 years of my life before and i really really missed out. i dont want to miss out on this time of my life. i feel bad for seth because i'm CONSTANTLY snapping at him and just look sad, and when i'm not snapping at him, i'm not really talking much cause i just dont feel like i have the energy. life's just starting to feel like too much and i'm starting to feel alone. at least at this point in my life i can recognize that this is beginning and hopefully find a way to catch it now and not get worse. is this what postpartum depression is like? or is this just separate? i can't wait till we can move, i know that a fresh start will definitely help my sanity... that was something that was always such a part of my life, moving every year... a couple times a year... when i got to that new place i just felt refreshed and free. i start to feel suffocated when i'm in the same place for a long time and i've been here WAY too long. i've wanted to leave for over 3 years... finally. we'll go.
sometimes i feel silly that i feel any kind of depression thinking about what other people's lives are like, but i understand that this isn't something i can just change, its not just a feeling... something outside of me has to change this. i dont want to get to the point where i have to take medication, i'm sure this is something i will deal with now and again my whole life since i have a long line of people on anti depressants in my family along with suicides and manic depression... scary. i will be different, i wont let it get that bad, i've promised myself that.. but just feeling this way at all is so horrible.
this probably all doesn't even make sense i've just been thinking then writing kind of figuring out whats going on while i write...
i know my life is amazing and i know tons of people look at my life and just dream of having a life like mine and a lot of people even tell me that... its not about my life really depression is weird, anyone can get depressed if they have it in them deep inside, it doesn't matter how good/bad life really is... anything can trigger it if its there. anyway sorry to bum you all out.