Sunday, December 7, 2008


is so beyond my max i can't even explain it. i know another blog about how two kids is crazy, but it really really is. its crazy cause when it comes to like going grocery shopping or getting stuff done, i feel like i've got it down... but when it comes to having any sort of patience, or being happy with doing the same things all day every day and having two people who need me NONstop, i feel like i'm spinning out of control. i'm starting to get that depressed feeling that turns physical, its not just my mind anymore, its starting to envelope my heart and make my chest ache. i haven't felt this kind of depression for so long... its the kind that makes you just want to get under the covers and never come out, cry all day long, run away, live in the dark.. that probably sounds weird but maybe people who have been depressed would understand. since i can't do those things i just start to go into my mind and be distant, i feel like its the only way i'm ok. i dont want it to be like this, it was like this for 3 years of my life before and i really really missed out. i dont want to miss out on this time of my life. i feel bad for seth because i'm CONSTANTLY snapping at him and just look sad, and when i'm not snapping at him, i'm not really talking much cause i just dont feel like i have the energy. life's just starting to feel like too much and i'm starting to feel alone. at least at this point in my life i can recognize that this is beginning and hopefully find a way to catch it now and not get worse. is this what postpartum depression is like? or is this just separate? i can't wait till we can move, i know that a fresh start will definitely help my sanity... that was something that was always such a part of my life, moving every year... a couple times a year... when i got to that new place i just felt refreshed and free. i start to feel suffocated when i'm in the same place for a long time and i've been here WAY too long. i've wanted to leave for over 3 years... finally. we'll go.

sometimes i feel silly that i feel any kind of depression thinking about what other people's lives are like, but i understand that this isn't something i can just change, its not just a feeling... something outside of me has to change this. i dont want to get to the point where i have to take medication, i'm sure this is something i will deal with now and again my whole life since i have a long line of people on anti depressants in my family along with suicides and manic depression... scary. i will be different, i wont let it get that bad, i've promised myself that.. but just feeling this way at all is so horrible.

this probably all doesn't even make sense i've just been thinking then writing kind of figuring out whats going on while i write...

i know my life is amazing and i know tons of people look at my life and just dream of having a life like mine and a lot of people even tell me that... its not about my life really depression is weird, anyone can get depressed if they have it in them deep inside, it doesn't matter how good/bad life really is... anything can trigger it if its there. anyway sorry to bum you all out.


Shan said...

i can relate...i've had depression issues before and i know what it's like to have kids climbing all over you & still feel lonely & how bad you feel when you snap at your husband WAY too much. even though i wouldn't change my life, i do get very tired when everything seems to be the same EVERY day...i think that's what makes me so impatient, i told myself i would never be the parent who yells at their kids all the time (like my dad did quite a bit) & lately i feel like i have SO little patience (especially with my 5 year old), i feel so bad because it seems like i yell more than i talk to her.
i love being a mom...but it's tough, but i've found that it helps when we have things to look forward to. that seems to make the "every day" things that are frustrating not seem so bad.
also, i know what you mean about wanting to move, we just moved into the house we're in about 3 months ago, but we were in a tiny house, i felt like all 4 of us were always in the same room...i don't know how many times i told derek i just want to leave by myself...i just had to have some space. so, i'm sure it will help when you guys can move...hopefully that'll be soon.
anyways, i'm really rambling, sorry. did any of that make sense?

Flo Oakes said...

Ew, I HATE saying this 'cause it sounds sooo cliche and trite, but really really really it DOES get better.

Remember when you first really started to get to know me --more after Amelie was born and I was ALWAYS snapping at Josh and you thought I was so mean to him (I was)-haha-and I would actually call him at work and scream at him because I couldn't find my car keys?

That doesn't even seem real, like I'm not even that same person.

I still struggle with on and off depression, but it's not that crazy, out of control feeling that comes with what I think is Post Partum Depression, and also just the stress of having more people to care for.

I noticed a huge change in myself when Amelie was about 15 months old...probably coinciding with when she started nursing considerably less.

Even having my monthly PMDD has taught me that what has worked for me even better than medicine, supplements, etc., is just acknowledging that what I am feeling is real, is hormonal (NOT me) and that it will pass.
Whether it be in a few days as with the PMDD, or in a year, like after having a baby.

I know a year seems like a long time, so sorry if that seems daunting, but I really believe you will be your "normal self" again, and that it's just like getting your physical body takes time.

But it DOES happen.
Try to tell yourself that, I don't know if it will help, but it's something that helps me.

Even the things you think won't change that depress you now, won't depress you later, if that makes even though you might think "the girls will STILL need me, I'll still have to do the same things in a year" it won't feel the like you've been saying, you WILL get to do things outside of home, and they'll be able to give you more freedom, and all that combined with the hormonal change that comes with weaning will make you feel amazing again.

I love you, I wish I could hug you right now!
And again, as cliche as THIS sounds, I DO really understand.

You're a great mama and a beautiful friend.
Love you.

meg said...

I went through something similar this year, right when everyone was saying how great my life was and how lucky I was, but I was feeling distant and unsatisfied. And as you said, that seemed selfish because of "how great" my life IS.

I started pursuing things that were doing something for someone else, without looking to get anything in return. Just giving. And it was great. It really made such a difference. I wasn't doing it for myself or praise, I just wanted to help somewhere with a talent I have.

I don't know what this would mean for you, but be encouraged that knowing and wanting to do something about being depressed is the healthiest stage of depression to be in.
good luck and stuff

Amanda said...

I went through the same thing after having my daughter. She is almost 3 months old and it has already gotten better. It gets better. Just hang in there. One thing that helped me was my husbands aunt took our son for a couple of days. I don't know how ara would do. Him being away helped me get rest and regain some sanity.

Emery Jo said...

I'm so sad that you are going through this and wish I could whisk myself over to your place and take ara for you for a few hours and then make you some comfort food.

I think all the advice above is great.

The best medicine for me is always to call up a girl friend or two and get myself out of the house.

I love you and miss you and am praying that you'll find your feet again soon... that you'd be filled with peace and rest and strength and that everyday would feel new again.

MrsJessicaWoods said...

it will get better. i promise. we ALL feel this way sometimes.