Thursday, December 4, 2008

is it time for gin yet?

oh no? ok....

seriously if the people who are always trying to talk me into having more kids when i tell them i'm done knew what an incredibly small amount of patience i had they would certainly regret their 'encouragement'.

before i did something that would get cps called on me today i decided to leave the house and spend money i shouldn't have on thai food.... but i didnt end up lashing out irrationally at my daughter so, mission accomplished.

i honestly just cant be a stay at home mom. i'm counting down the days til i can spend part of my time out of the home. i love being a mom, but some women are made to be stay at home moms and some are not, i definitely am not. i never thought i would be this way... i always thought i would LOVE staying home, but i really really dont. i enjoy arabella soooo much and its not like this is because my patience is worn (although that helps remind me) but i have this longing in my heart to have a place i can go and put my hands to work on something that has nothing to do with my family, its all mine. where i can interact with people all day long and use my mind to figure things out. i love waking up in the morning with somewhere to go, something to do... i love waking up and needing to take a shower and get dressed because you have a place to go... it doesn't feel great to not even need to get dressed or take a shower... pretty much everyday... cause there's nowhere to go. i dont think it will just be easy to work and take care of my kids... but in a way i know it will be, because if i'm getting what i need and can feel more sane because of it, then life in general will go smoother. plus the house wont be messy while i'm gone... cause they wont be there either! haha.. anyway... i'm just trying to think about all this and look forward to what i want, but at the same time try not to get depressed about being in all the time.... because its really not the worst thing in the world to have to be with your kids all day ;)

but like anything, if there's something in your heart you long for, its hard to ignore it. i know soon i will be able to have time of my own and work of my own and my life back, at least partially... so i will wait.


stina said...

not like you're asking for advice or help, but in my times between working at camp and travelling to jamaica, i'd be home. all the time. sometimes no job or just 10 hours a week. and it really is depressing when you don't even have to get dressed cuz you know you'll just be home all day.
but it helps me and my mom when we both are in stages like that.
could be different for you, but getting dressed like it matters is just one small thing that could help in a tiny way.
although with breastfeeding all the time i prob wouldn't want to bother.
i don't know yet haha

MrsJessicaWoods said...

you dont know me but i read your blog a lot. at first it was because a long time ago there was some kind of crazinness with a childbirth post that i was told i needed to i did...and became acquainted with you (or as least as acquainted as reading someones blog lets you be)...and although i have to say that i see why the controversy exists about your words at times i also think you are an interesting and thoughtful person who is just trying to figure themselves out one day at a time just like the rest of us all are. this post today was very close to my heart. i very well know the feeling of suffocation being a stay at home mom can bring, as does any woman out there doing the same thing. we give up so much for our children. it comes on so quickly and so naturally because being good and decent humans we want to step up to the plate and give it all to our families, that's what our female bodies were made for right? we are the sex who can house this insane miracle that is pregnancy, find the deepest levels of strength within ourselves to take care of our innocent babies who need us every day, day after day and give up most all remnants of our past lives (or past freedoms i should say). we willingly choose to give ourSELVES to another person or people all in the name of doing what is right and good and true. over time the feeling we get back from all of this selflessness...the feeling that shines thru in brief moments where your able to clearly see and feel "ahh ha yes now i remember why i do this" are the moments i have found to bring my momma tank right back up off the E all the way up to F. these paradoxical feelings of misery and utter elation go hand in had and it can be downright fucking confusing. we know we love (wait, adore) our babies and we know what we are doing is right but we also know that we deserve a life of our own too. we deserve to feel fulfilled and independent and happy from things that feed our personal happiness meeter. i have just started to pay actual attention to these needs recently and my son is two years old. it took me two years to realize wait a minute where the hell did i go? who am i? i knew before, but my life and world before was completely different. adjustments must be made! im a momma now but im also a woman and a wife and a person with a personality that has taken a small leave of absence but were on the road to getting that back. for me, i try to look everywhere i can inside to find things that i can put in my life that give me more satisfaction...simple things. making time to look for good conversation even if its via blog. making time to look at my son and feel the beauty of being a mother to this baby turned little man who is leaking out personality of his own every day, and appreciate that. making time to exercise daily and center myself with yoga or meditation. making time to sit quietly and ask myself questions as they arise about how i feel about "things" and why. making time to actively try and turn my sex life back into something of a resemblance to what it was before we had a child. making time to read and write and relate and cry and laugh and just feel more in general. even if i can make time for these moments of introspection and personal happiness just once a week at least its effort in the right direction. there's no sugar coating how difficult it is to be a mother, let alone a stay at home mother but as long as we acknowledge these things and move forward we are on the right track and that small bit of information in itself just might be the single tie that keeps us held together on those days when we slip dangerously close to letting it all come crashing down, sanity and all.
btw ill take this time to congratulate you on nola and inform you that i think she might be the cutest baby i have ever seen. for realz, shes got the face of a supermodel at age, what? 2 weeks? 3? what a beauty.

Sarah Corbett said...

I completely get how you're feeling. After my first son, I took as much time off of work as I could to spend with him. After having my 2nd son, I only took advantage of 6 of the 12 paid weeks off! I called and begged my work to let me come back early. I NEEDED to feel some sense of accomplishment outside of my home. I work from 8-1 mon-fri, and I love it. I need this break, and even though I'm at work, its much more peacful than my "job" at home. I needed adult interaction, and like you said, a reason to get up and get ready in the mornings. This time away from my 2 boys is always rewarding when I come home from work and they are so excited to see me. Luckily for us, my mom comes to our house to watch them while we are at work, which has built such great relationships with her and the boys. I know that I am a better mom, because I'm not with my kids 24 hours a day!!

Anonymous said...

Found your blog through another blog I love (Emery Jo), and I swear when I read your thoughts, it felt like you took the words right out of my mouth. You're not alone in this world. There are people who feel and think just like you. You seem like a great mom and a very cool person. Your daughters are beautiful!