morning.

this morning they are coming to hook up our internet and cable. life without tv has been great, but i have reached my limit. i will certainly not watch as much as i did.. but i think nursing moms need some tv. so do two year olds who dont have yards. that is something to look forward to... also i'm going to hollywood tonight to have coffee with an old friend, then its just one more day til E! thank God. she had a car scare and thought she might not be able to come, i died a little inside when she told me... luckily shes still coming.


seth's job is really great, a lot less stress and we're going to be able to put money aside before taxes for daycare... so... hopefully ara can go a few days a week and i can not die. (you know its bad when your at best buy looking at the computer nerd whose helping you find a cable thinking 'i would kill to have your job') i just want a job SO bad. you all have no idea. I want to be the one who works... and seth be the stay at home mom... we've talked about if someday we can get this whole songwriting thing working then i will work like 4 or 5 days a week and he can be home with them... that is my dream. and honestly, i'm not saying this to be a martyr i just believe its true, in our situation i really think seth would be better as the stay at home parent... he's A LOT better with kids in general than i am. kids are just not my thing. i know i'm good at doing what i need to do, but i'm not good at playing with her and having fun, plus my patience is at about negative 20. everyone can tell me all day long 'its harder to be a mom and work' but i dont think its harder when staying at home makes you feel like your falling into a dark abyss and your numb all over. i'd rather work and have more to clean up when i get home.

anyway, hopefully that will all work out. thank you to all my friends who wrote me, chatted with me, and called me yesterday... i can't even believe how many people cared about how im feeling and related to what i was saying, it meant a lot to me. the good thing about saying the stuff i say... you know the kind of stuff you feel shitty about and dont want to admit to... is that when you do you find that we're all the same... everyone's just hiding it. its so good to have relationships, human contact, understanding.. a common bond in the fact that we are all just trying to learn how to live. like i said to my friend the other day, people need people, and i know i do desperately. its so good to know i have so many good ones around me.

life is weird because the whole point is just to live... but its like we have to learn how to do that and benefit from how we do it. we have to decide where we want to focus our energy and decide what kind of people we want to be, which means we have to think... i've heard that i think too much and sometimes i um.. think.. i do... but then i realize that if i want to be the kind of person who challenges others and themselves, who lives a rich life full of love and meaning... i have to think. its hard, but very good and it teaches me soooo much.