i dont know whats up with me right now, but inside my head is definitely a place NONE of you would want to be right now. i dont even want to be in it... but alas, i have no choice.
i dont really know how to explain whats inside me.. but i know the shortcomings that where i am lead me to. .. they lead me to be a woman who feels stuck. i love my husband, i love my children... but no matter how much i love them it doesn't make me feel less trapped, because its that love that traps me. maybe its just because i did all there was to do too young. i'm sure that's it. if i had waited a few years, lived my young life i dont know that i would feel trapped. maybe i still would. maybe its because my view of love has been COMPLETELY jacked up my whole life. maybe its because i watched my mother crave love from a man, and the perfect little family it makes me want the opposite.. even though i know in the end this is the life i want.
marriage is really hard to understand. i always feel like our marriage is the best... because we communicate about everything and somehow understand each other, allow each other to be ourselves, have grace for each others shortcomings.... but even with all that foundation laid nothing is perfect and there is still doubt or fear or insecurity etc etc on each side at different points.
i analyze everything WAY too much, i know. but i can't not. so im back in a place i've been before and i just have to live and think and try to love and hope that i get out of here. i thought that getting out of atascadero would change my caged in self... but it didn't. there are things that i think will change it, but how can i know until i try, i tried leaving atascadero and it didn't change. only time will tell.
i wish i would have been the woman having arabella made me before i even got married.
i wish i would have let myself have my own time in my life.
i wish i could change how i feel now.
i wish i could love my family the way i should.
i'm starting to feel like i should stop writing on this blog and start an anonymous one, because i feel like there's starting to always be soooo much more i want to say but i'm having to be less and less honest knowing who reads this. stressful.
this blog is not even a quarter of what has been strangling my brain lately.
and i feel like a sick person. i want to crawl into my bed and curl in a ball and feel black all around me, just so i can have some peace of mind. my heart is aching, like it does so much and i wish i could just let it. i wish i had the time to actually feel what i feel.
to be honest i've felt alone since i realized i'm not a christian. i dont think that means i should be one, but i dont know where to find that peace again.
i just dont want to feel alone all the time.