Wednesday, February 4, 2009

my head is crazy place to live.

i dont know whats up with me right now, but inside my head is definitely a place NONE of you would want to be right now. i dont even want to be in it... but alas, i have no choice.

i dont really know how to explain whats inside me.. but i know the shortcomings that where i am lead me to. .. they lead me to be a woman who feels stuck. i love my husband, i love my children... but no matter how much i love them it doesn't make me feel less trapped, because its that love that traps me. maybe its just because i did all there was to do too young. i'm sure that's it. if i had waited a few years, lived my young life i dont know that i would feel trapped. maybe i still would. maybe its because my view of love has been COMPLETELY jacked up my whole life. maybe its because i watched my mother crave love from a man, and the perfect little family it makes me want the opposite.. even though i know in the end this is the life i want.

marriage is really hard to understand. i always feel like our marriage is the best... because we communicate about everything and somehow understand each other, allow each other to be ourselves, have grace for each others shortcomings.... but even with all that foundation laid nothing is perfect and there is still doubt or fear or insecurity etc etc on each side at different points.

i analyze everything WAY too much, i know. but i can't not. so im back in a place i've been before and i just have to live and think and try to love and hope that i get out of here. i thought that getting out of atascadero would change my caged in self... but it didn't. there are things that i think will change it, but how can i know until i try, i tried leaving atascadero and it didn't change. only time will tell.


i wish i would have been the woman having arabella made me before i even got married.

i wish i would have let myself have my own time in my life.

i wish i could change how i feel now.

i wish i could love my family the way i should.



i'm starting to feel like i should stop writing on this blog and start an anonymous one, because i feel like there's starting to always be soooo much more i want to say but i'm having to be less and less honest knowing who reads this. stressful.

this blog is not even a quarter of what has been strangling my brain lately.


and i feel like a sick person. i want to crawl into my bed and curl in a ball and feel black all around me, just so i can have some peace of mind. my heart is aching, like it does so much and i wish i could just let it. i wish i had the time to actually feel what i feel.

to be honest i've felt alone since i realized i'm not a christian. i dont think that means i should be one, but i dont know where to find that peace again.

i just dont want to feel alone all the time.

14 comments:

meg said...

this crazy sucks, I so wish I had something awesome to say.
i love you.

Marianne Elixir said...

Skylana,

I might not be the right person to lend you comfort nor advice, BUT here I am doing it anyway.....

First, I think your marriage struggles make perfect sense given your age when you got married. I've even struggled with them myself and I didn't get married until 23, but in our culture people do so much in their 20's....it seems like a sacrifice to decide on marriage and kids. But all the people I know who end their 20's without marriage and kids seem to feel like they were the ones who missed out....anyway, I guess I am just trying to say that your emotions make total sense, and your brain is not crazy.

Second, reading through your process of trying out church and debating the Christian question, and ultimately rejecting it for now (I think), has been painful. I haven't interacted with any of your posts on the subject because, well, it seems that magnitude of conversation should really take place face to face over tea (or Guiness).

However, I can't help feeling like you have rejected "Christians" rather than The Christ. I am also unclear of the reasons behind your disregard for the bible, but it strikes me that if you want a better picture of what it really means to follow Jesus, just plain reading through the bible would be a better place to look, as American Christianity, in my opinion, is a far cry from biblical Christianity. Even if you cannot grant the Bible ultimate authority on spiritual truth, perhaps you could grant that it might have some worthwhile perspectives from other people who pursued God/Truth, and might be worth understanding before rejecting.

I do not want to come off like, "I have the answers for you, and you've made the wrong decision" because I really think we have to make our own authentic decisions about truth, and I think we're all rationally capable of doing so.

However, I feel like I can sense your pain and inner debating in your posts, and your feelings of being alone make me sad when I do believe that you might find some of the "change" you're looking for if you were to give biblical (from reading your own bible) Christianity a chance rather than looking at people who blindly follow some leader and insist they have all the right answers.

I hope I haven't overstepped, and I hope that I have made sense. I intended for this comment to be encouraging....

kimberlea said...

i read your blog. then i read it again. i might not have any right to say the following, but i couldn't get the last lines out of my head.

you aren't a christian. that's a brave statement to make, especially because (from what i gather) you were a christian at some point. you no longer believing in Jesus, that he was murdered to save your life, that he walked on the earth as a man, that his grace is what allows you to breathe...doesn't make it any less true. the way i see it, God is big enough to handle anyone's doubt. doubt, or complete disbelief, doesn't make God any less God.

i hope you find what you're looking for. periods of life that are hopeless, lonely and dark are beyond difficult. i'm sorry you're in that place and i sincerely hope that you have others beside you to hold you up. thanks for writing.

Monica said...

well i can't say i know how you feel because i don't have a family or kids and i sometimes feel trapped enough as it is just being in a relationship, but i guess one thing that is super neat about your situation is that by the time you're 40 your girls will be grown and you can do all the things you ever wanted to do. i'm sure there are a lot of people who have all their freeness and fun when they're young and then once they start having kids at 40 they feel like this sometimes, but then once their kids are grown they're already old. not trying to make kids and family sound like some horrible thing because it's definitely not, but everyone (EVERYONE) craves freedom to be themselves apart from anyone else no matter how much they love those other people. like you've written before about needing freedom to get out of your house... i think once that happens it will make a huge difference. and it's not that far off. hopefully this feeling is just a down on the many ups and downs of life.

skylana said...

kimberlea, brave isnt exactly how it feels to say i'm not a christian, but its just me finally stating what is true. whether i believe it or not is not what defines whether it is true... but you believing also does not make it true. i dont believe that jesus is god, i can't make myself think that is true. i just dont. i could be wrong. the reason i feel alone from losing that is because everyone i know believes he is, even my husband... so its a lonely place to not share that kind of thing. and when you have something you hold onto your whole life and you finally let it go... its hard. anyway, i dont feel doubtful, but i do feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and now i need to find a warm place to stand again. i know i will...

Erin said...

I felt like I should comment on this one. You know me... I don't usually comment.

First off, I don't think you should have an anonymous blog. People read this blog because it's "you". And there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to express exactly what you are thinking and feeling on here. People will judge... but they're always going to, so whatever.

Second, I think you and I are both dealing with "issues" right now. Having two kids, not being able to get out, having a husband who is pretty much non-existent right now is taking a toll on me, on my mind and my heart. I'd fallen into a depression that I felt like I couldn't get out of until about a week ago. On top of all of that, you know about the other things I was and still am dealing with, which are terrifying. Those thoughts were taking over every minute of my life. Skylana, I'll be honest, the one and only thing that has kept me together in all of this is what I believe. I know right now that doesn't mean much to you. Six days out of seven I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. But I found strength in God. I found peace to make it through the day. You said you don't know where you can find that peace again, but you can. It's more then we can comprehend as humans... I'm not even going to go there. I was having trouble believing that God could do anything for me these last few months but I just had to give up on me and let him. I also thought that I was too far gone... and I wasn't.

And also, you do have a really good life. You and I both do... but that doesn't mean that we are going to be happy all the time. I've been crazy lately, so sad and so out of it sometimes, and I constantly think to myself, "Why am I sooo unhappy??? I have everything I could possibly ever want. What is my problem?!?" I think it's okay to feel this way. We can't help it. And it doesn't make us out to be these ungrateful idiots. Even we, with loving husbands and happy healthy children are allowed to feel depressed and unhappy.

Filling your life will new things and new people might make you feel better for a short time, but if there's an emptiness in your heart I guess you need to dig deeper.

I know we aren't on the same page here. But I will pray for you. Pray that will find peace and rest for your soul. I love you and I'm praying for you.

skylana said...

marianne.. you're not overstepping at all. i respect people who are 'christians' like.. my husband... people who follow what they believe is true. i love when anyone follows what they believe to be true and leaves other their room. i didnt like 'decide' not to be a christian i dont feel like, i just happened over time that i realized this wasn't something i truly believed. i love who jesus was, well as i read him to be, in the bible and there are a lot of things in the bible that are super interesting and encouraging.. but i think i would be foolish to follow it for just that. i totally respect true christianity (which i see as believing in jesus and seeking truth, following what you believe the bible says) i just dont believe in it myself. that is, i believe, and entirely different place in me than the struggle i have with american church and legalistic christianity. any culture that has some of the same characteristics as those that i hate i would question also... and do question. this just happens to be the culture i have been surrounded by the past 8 years you know? anyway.. i feel like the only way i could believe something is truth is if somehow inside me, i find that belief, not just because i want to believe it or it seems like a good answer... so i wait on that and search for it, in people, in life, in the bible, in books, in music... that is where i find truth and it all comes together in my heart.

skylana said...

ok there are so many misspellings in that last comment i left i wanna cry... but i dont want to fix it all. sorry guys.

JessicaToday said...

You are brave to say how you feel. Really. Its refreshing to hear true words being spoken without fear totally taking over. I understand what you mean about not wanting to put it all out there because there are people to consider. But...I have a feeling that is the same kind of underlying conflict you face in your struggle to really reconcile a peaceful place for your true self to live. You seem like you are a freer person when you are able to share yourself and the raw emotions and thoughts you find yourself a part of. To get it out and breathe a little easier knowing that you were able to verbalize the feelings that happen inside is so beneficial for you. I completely identify.
First of all, your view on love as a child has a LOT to do with how you view it today. Its just not debatable. So, give yourself some slack because those first impressions you received stay with you, unconscious or not, and they are not your fault. We all come to the table in our own marriages with shit to work on. Some have more shit than others, but its all shit. And we all have to work through it.
Your aware that your moms way of showing you what love is has helped to shape you, so really let that sink in because although it might make you angry, at least it will enable you to put your finger on something that is otherwise elusive. And knowing things about ourselves is very empowering. And being empowered does wonders for our psyche. Its the jumping off point for finding peace within, I think.
You are probably right about how you lost a little bit of your youth by marrying and having children at the young age you are. BUT....things happen for a reason. God has nothing to do with this bit of truth. Our paths in life lead us different directions. Some things happen and leave us wondering why.
Its human nature to wonder what could have been or even to think we fucked everything all up.
I think that you evaluating yourself the way you do, does wonders for your own understanding. It might take a long time, or it might take a little time...but its a very healthy method.
You will find peace.
You are not alone in your temporary confusion. :) Its pretty much a requirement for motherhood these days. It makes you real and it believe it or not I think one day you will look back and see how much you have grown.

jenny moon said...

the first natural (and irritating, no matter how well intentioned)reaction of any "christian" person to an "unbeliever's" suffering or problems is ALWAYS "well you would feel better if you just accepted jesus"....but you and i have both HAD a genuine, fervent, years-long faith in christ and, forgive me if i overspeak, but i don't believe that it alleviated the issues either one of has with the unbearable pain that life presents. jesus is not the answer, skylana. there, i came out and said it. i will not presume to tell you what (if anything) will "fix" you, but i DO understand the desperate guilty desire to BE MORE, to be who you feel you COULD have been if others had not directed your life's course. all i can say is that ,as much as a virtual stranger can ever understand where your mind is, i believe i know exactly how you feel. maybe that is some small comfort....maybe you are not as alone as it may seem....

skylana said...

jenny- thank you. i kinda love that you just straight up said it 'jesus is not the answer'... that's how i feel.

jessica- i appreciate EVERYTHING you had to say.

begin and end, again said...

homes,
go for the private blog. not everyone is going to treat your very personal struggles with the care and respect that they/you deserve.

Jason+Shannon said...

This post is like you were reading my mind. I know how you feel-loving your life in so many ways yet feeling like you are/were/could be someone else but have picked a different avenue.

I don't know if it makes a difference but you are definitely not alone. I have been so weighed down by a million emotions the last two weeks, feeling so crazy, then guilty for feeling what I'm feeling. I felt like my heart was literally going to drop. Anyway, I'm glad you share, you've helped me out at least.

Monica said...

okay, this is random, but have you ever listened to any newish pedro the lion/dave bazan? sometimes when i listen to his lyrics or read his interviews it reminds me a lot of things you've said.

for example (from an interview):
"If I listed off what I believed and what I didn't believe, no Christian would say I was a Christian," he said. "It's just a distinction that I just don't care about anymore. Am I a Christian, am I not? - it doesn't matter to me."

David Bazan and [wife] Ann Bazan met 15 years ago, as Christians. Yet David Bazan says his changing faith hasn't put a stress on their marriage.

"We have a really sweet rapport - she knows this isn't some sort of posturing, me saying 'I don't believe in God anymore,' " said the musician. "In regards to Ellanor, our daughter, we've been really careful. I would prefer she wouldn't know any Bible stories or know about Jesus. And yet, that's what's going to happen," because Ann Bazan intends to bring Ellanor to church. "But I'm cool knowing that she'll be, hopefully, in a situation where she's not forced to assume certain things are true and she's given space to make her decisions about stuff like that much later."

David Bazan said that while he may not believe the same as he used to about God's existence, it will always be in his mind.

"The odd thing is that I will always be obsessed with this question, where most people or some people are not," he said. "It's still a huge part of who I am, but I don't necessarily believe the same things about the answers to these questions. I just find myself on the other side of this line that I wasn't on before."

"The body of work of Pedro the Lion is in way a history of me," he said. "You know, my faith slowly being corrupted and slowly sort of disintegrating, which, from my vantage point, is an entirely good thing. It's a very necessary thing to go back and to suspend all your assumptions about the universe that you grew up with."


and lyrics:
And who shall I blame for this sweet and heavy trouble?
For every stupid struggle?
I don't know.
I could buy you a drink.
I could tell you all about it.
I could tell you why I doubt it, and why I still believe.

But I can't say it like I sing it.
And I can't sing it like I think it.
And I can't think it like I feel it.
And I don't feel a thing.
Oh no - I don't feel a thing.