seth is my very best friend.
but that doesn't change the fact that marriage is hard. some days are wonderful and you want to stay in that place forever, some days are shitty and all you want to do is quit and run far far away and most days you are just going through life trying to make everything work and take care of your children. its not glamorous and its not your average lifestyle for early 20s. .. but it is my life.
i dont want to go through the motions of my life and miss out on whats going on, i dont want to run away from my life because it overwhelms me almost every day, and a lot of times i dont want to stay and fight for the life i have created... but really i do want to stay and fight.
i think i got married too young, i got married too fast, i had children too soon after getting married and while i was too young. now a lot of days i feel trapped, trapped in the life i may have wanted someday, but not the life i wanted now. there are things i never realized about myself before i got married, like how i dont think i'm the marrying type. i think because of what i was surrounded by at the age i got married, i thought that was what i was supposed to do... but honestly marriage is very not me. so seth and i are learning to make the marriage we committed to look like us, not like it is all around us in its varying forms. which can be hard, since we are very opposite people. i did not understand what marriage was when i made this commitment, i dont think many people do... its hard to understand something you know nothing about. i am still trying to understand what i believe marriage is and what that means as far as my life with seth. a lot of times i feel like i dont believe in marriage, but i think i do just not what i have been taught that marriage is by other people.
there may only be a handful of things that i think i understand in the bible and one of them is paul saying 'to those who are unmarried, especially to widows: It is good for them to remain like me' because i think in most cases it is hard to focus on other people and being who you are when you need to put most of your time into the person you live your life with (which i am not even sure is his reasoning). on one hand i understand it being harder to be myself while being married and on the other hand i've always felt like seth made me more myself. seth and i go through times that are easy and free, we go through wild times where we fight like drunk men at a bar (sans broken beer bottles) and we go through times like this where we are friends living side by side trying to work together.
through all the happiness we have experienced and all the pain, i know there will be plenty more of each to come, whether we are in one or the other... whether we feel passionate or beige, whether there is romance or friendship.. or both, whether we're fighting or making up, whether we are full of life or worn completely down...
we are friends. best friends.
and i know that seths own words for his friend ring true in my heart for him.
in the end when its all gone believe me friend you wont be there alone.