lately i've had to think a lot.
normally i over think everything. i mean, everything. my head never stops analyzing all the information that's being fed through my senses, sometimes its so loud i think i'm saying it but i'm not, sometimes its so loud i can't hear other people talking. i know i am very honest and i'm sure it seems like i say everything i think but there is so much more i dont say, i dont think a person could actually have time to express all the things that go through my mind and that's probably good because i pretty much overwhelm every other living being as i am.. but the past week my thoughts have been on steroids.
in life in general i'm sure you all know i am constantly questioning and wondering what matters in my life, what i want to leave behind, what i want to spend my time doing. that question has only become a thousand times more severe in my heart as i have lost any true hope that there is more after this life. my feeling that this is all i have is stronger than ever and so every day i'm left with passion, regret and questions.
i was standing on the edge of a cliff for a long time.
trying to balance.
i have made a mistake and this mistake thrust me farther than i thought i could get into the subject of my short life and what i want it to mean.
i have been consumed.
this mistake has made me realize just how deep my destruction runs.
will life always be such a struggle?
i envy those people who have simple thoughts. simple emotion. simple struggles. simple clothes. simple houses. .. and at the same time im endlessly thankful i am not one of them.
i'm afraid to love because i'm afraid i dont have enough inside me.
i'm afraid to try because i'm afraid i will fail.
i'm afraid to let go because i'm terrified of being out of control.
i lived my whole life with a world spinning out of control all around me, there was nothing i could hold onto. once i found my ground i took over, i have been in control. if i lose it i'm afraid i will die.
but this short life is all i have, and i need it to count.. i need to love.. i need to be free.