Thursday, March 19, 2009

hungry

lately i've had to think a lot.


normally i over think everything. i mean, everything. my head never stops analyzing all the information that's being fed through my senses, sometimes its so loud i think i'm saying it but i'm not, sometimes its so loud i can't hear other people talking. i know i am very honest and i'm sure it seems like i say everything i think but there is so much more i dont say, i dont think a person could actually have time to express all the things that go through my mind and that's probably good because i pretty much overwhelm every other living being as i am.. but the past week my thoughts have been on steroids.

in life in general i'm sure you all know i am constantly questioning and wondering what matters in my life, what i want to leave behind, what i want to spend my time doing. that question has only become a thousand times more severe in my heart as i have lost any true hope that there is more after this life. my feeling that this is all i have is stronger than ever and so every day i'm left with passion, regret and questions.

i was standing on the edge of a cliff for a long time.

trying to balance.

i have made a mistake and this mistake thrust me farther than i thought i could get into the subject of my short life and what i want it to mean.

i have been consumed.

this mistake has made me realize just how deep my destruction runs.

will life always be such a struggle?

i envy those people who have simple thoughts. simple emotion. simple struggles. simple clothes. simple houses. .. and at the same time im endlessly thankful i am not one of them.

i'm afraid to love because i'm afraid i dont have enough inside me.

i'm afraid to try because i'm afraid i will fail.

i'm afraid to let go because i'm terrified of being out of control.

i lived my whole life with a world spinning out of control all around me, there was nothing i could hold onto. once i found my ground i took over, i have been in control. if i lose it i'm afraid i will die.

but this short life is all i have, and i need it to count.. i need to love.. i need to be free.

6 comments:

Will McCabe said...

Skylana...I really enjoy the way that you are able to put such strong emotions and fears into words. You and I have different ways of viewing things, but at the same time, I think we are similar in our pursuit of meaning, rationale, love, etc. It's the nature of every created human. The difference is only that you put it out there and many of us do not. I appreciate that about you, and that is why I enjoy reading just about everything that you write.

I pray that God will meet you in your pursuit and reveal Himself to you in a way that will surprise even you. Take Care!

Will

? said...

i have felt this way before, i pray you see something your not seeing now!

mandagirl683 said...

I just have one question...what made you think you were ever in control of anything to begin with?

Im not trying to be a snot but simply put we have the illusion of control, we cannot make decisions for other or our selves and always know exactly which way it will turn out...there are too many variables that are constantly shifting.

You cant lose control of something you were never in control of to being with...God has the ultimate say in all of it. Trust in him and you then can trust in your self and find peace in your situation.

Sending good thoughts your way.

True Honesty said...

I'm not going to tell you I'm praying for you and I'm not going to tell you that God is the answer. No offense to your other commenters but she doesn't believe in that. It would be like if she told you that God isn't the answer if you were struggling through a hard time. I know that may be upsetting because now you think to yourself that she is going to go to hell if she isn't saved. SHE DOESN'T BELEIVE IN HELL. Wrap your head around that one... Anywho. Have you ever thought that you might have postpartum depression? Ive noticed when reading your blog that yes you've always been well...questioning your life and your decisions. That's normal behavior. Since your second daughter has been born you have really been struggling from what I can tell, which isn't so normal. I think that it's really a mental condition. I know you say you've always had racing thoughts and what not but you don't have to live like that. You can control your thoughts with practice and live a less skeptical life. I think that you should seek help. I think you'd be surprised at how you can battle the things that seem to be eating you away on a daily basis. You talk of regret in your past. You are going to regret what you are doing right now also later on in the future. Because everyday you don't figure out why you are depressed you are wasting another day of your life. Then the answer to your question "will life always be such a struggle?" Yes it will it will always be a struggle. If you don't own your behaivor,if you always wish you did things differently,if you don't appreciate this time that you have and if you don't except the decisions YOU'VE made. Then yes life will always be a struggle. You have the choice to live life the way you want to and noone sorry not even God can choose how you do that.

skylana said...

to the one with true honesty... thank you for your comment.. i really really REALLY appreciate when someone gives their opinion and its not 'god will make it better'. as far as how i think i dont mind it.. i thinks its intense, but i wouldn't change it... as far as being depressed, i definitely think it has to do with either postpartum or just having young children and feeling overwhelmed... either way since i started taking iron it has changed DRAMATICALLY... i do try and figure out why i am depressed, and how i can change it, and how i can spend my days being happy and loving my children the way i want to... i still think i will feel regret for times in this part of my life, but when i talk about regret in this post i'm talking HUGE major regrets that i can't change... that's why i am thinking about what i want my life to mean and be and how i work at being a better person and overcoming my issues... so i can live my life in healthy freedom. i dont believe that god will make me better or i can just ask him to whatever... i think i have to make choices to have a better life and to have true happiness... things are headed that way, but i had to get to the point i was just at.. in order to get where i'm going... make sense? i really really truly appreciate someone like you, who can say what you think and realize that as humans we decide our fate... everyday we make choices, we dont have to wonder and pretend we're relying on god to figure life out for us.

skylana said...

i forgot to say that i really do wish you would share your name with us.. because there's nothing i appreciate more than the things you said, than someone who can be proud that they said it.