Wednesday, April 8, 2009
i was happy because for a while arabella didn't see color.... when it came to peoples skin.
she thought i looked like oprah, she thought kevin looked like kanye west... if you asked what color someone was she said the color of their shirt.
then we were at trader joes and she said to me about the african american man asking for donations for something... 'whats that brown guy doin?'...
but then she confused me when she called someone who is a Caucasian that obviously had been tanning, 'that black lady'.
i asked what color she thought she was... yellow.
and seth green.
nola is black.
so i now realize she still doesn't see the color of peoples skin... was trader joes a fluke? interesting.
i've just loved the fact that when a child comes into this world, they dont see color.. or religion... or sexuality... or judge beauty. they just love, they just accept. it makes me so happy that i can have the power to raise a human in love, to continue teaching them to be accepting of other people the way the are.
i know people think these children are 'inherently evil' because they do bad things... but i can't make myself see that.... all i see is pure love, no condemnation of others, no precepts for love, no discrimination, just acceptance... at every angle.
i believe there is good and bad in all of us, but to say we are by nature 'sinful' or evil... i dont get. mostly i think i never understood this struggle of sin inside people that i would hear expressed because i never felt it.. if i ever felt a struggle it was from what someone else said i shouldn't do. when i search my own heart i feel completely at peace with the desires i have and how much or how little i am willing to act on those desires, i'm at peace with the amount of love that i want to give out freely, i'm at peace with the amount of love i have for myself. i have never felt like i'm evil left to myself... i feel good inside. i have bad spots but i feel they are few and i think the same of others, some have more, some have less.. which i can't rightly judge anyway because i can't see their insides. i believe there is an ability to do bad in arabella, but her heart is big and full of all encompassing love.
the things she has learned that are bad and repeats i believe are from me, or other people around her... but her desire never seems to me to be of ill nature.. when she wants to hit and or do kid things its usually to get attention. which to me isn't bad and though i dont believe in 'sin' i wouldn't categorize that as wrong. at her age and younger which is really, i believe, the only time we can barely even make a judgment about whether we are born sinful, i think you have to look at the reasons behind why children do what they do... if she hits because she felt angry i can see that she has learned to express anger from me, maybe not through hitting but none the less if she has hit before and i was the one who expressed to her that that was bad, then maybe when she felt bad inside it would just make sense to express it with something she now knows as bad... if she hits and smiles like she's funny its probably just because she wants me to laugh at her and think she's funny... which also... doesn't seem wrong to me (the action yes, but not the desire).... anyway i could write about this forever and i'm sure the opposing viewers would never see my angle and i wouldn't accept theirs... but i'm glad that i can see arabella in her purity and that i can see her good little heart.. because nothing has shown me love like she has. i dont mean the love inside me, i mean the love inside her... it blows me away to watch someone love the way she does.