i almost told emery

that i felt a blog coming on, while we talked about those old days... mercy church... the pages.. who i like to call 'those damn pages'.. a thorn in my side.

this is one of my shadows.

the darks spots in my heart.

these people hurt me. more than anyone ever has. i've been abandoned by my father, screwed by my mother, brokenhearted by a lover... but what that family did to me cut my heart into pieces.

imagine you dont have a family. you grow up alone. you survive. you think of ways to put up walls... so you are safe. no one can hurt you. you are a mother from age 3. there is nothing that makes you feel safe, but your own mind. you alone are your comfort. no one can get to you... ever.

then one does. thats all it takes. love bursts from every seem in your body.. head to toe, you are full. your heart has been let out of solitary confinement. a family surrounds you. everything you dreamed of your whole life... a mother, a father, a sister, a lover... holidays, trips... you are a part of this family. they want you to be different than your very core tells you, but its ok, because there is love. real true love. you change. you become silent. you follow.

love fails.

the sun rises and they are gone. backs turned, its over.

was i dreaming?

its been 4 years and 4 months since the day i lost their love... and when it enters my mind it still stings to my very core.

and this is where my shadow is. i dont want to forgive them, because they are not even aware of the pain they inflicted. i dont want to forgive them, because they are so arrogant that they think the God of the universe has called them away from me.

i have to, because if i dont my heart will never be whole. its like that tiny place in my heart is a 3 year old girl, abandoned and in the dark as to why.

when i think of them i want to scream at the top of my lungs how much i hate them.
but the truth is, i dont hate them. i love them. i did love them, more than anyone i have ever loved.

maybe i have enough strength inside me to muster up forgiveness. if i can forgive an alcoholic mother, if i can forgive a drug addict father who thought he couldn't do it, if i can forgive a molester... why can't i forgive them?

maybe i dont have enough strength within myself. maybe all those crazy Christians are right!?!? ;) but... i dont think so. i think its in there.

i am a strong woman, if theres nothing else i am sure about, i am sure of this. by whatever method, by whatever means, i will survive and i will not only survive but i will thrive... i will somehow come through this life full and overflowing with love and victory.

i wont pretend, i have wounds now. there are still wounds... wounds i am ashamed of, wounds that i should have stitched years ago... still open, still bleeding...

i will find a way to suture myself.