my heart.

i have never had something that makes my heart feel the blood pump through it, something that i could not live without, something that is a part of the very core of who i am.

at least i never thought i did.

i have loved to sing, sew, create art, dance, run. love means little compared to what i was looking for.

being married to a musician when you feel this way is even harder because melodies & instruments become the other woman, and no amount of talking can make you understand their relationship. seth is more than just music, but music is him. it flows through his veins and it starts from the core of who he is. if there is one thing i can know about seth it is that there will always be music inside of him, its endless. you dont understand a person being intertwined with the 'hobby' they like. until you realize that it is not 'the hobby they like'... its how their soul manifests. i have always wanted something that i was good at that could make my insides feel this way. i got jealous that seth had something he couldn't live without. i had nothing.

this past year it has snuck up on me.

i have never felt more myself or more alive than when i am writing.
i need it. if i dont do it i feel disheveled inside. it has become a part of who i am. it is the way my soul manifests. it heals me. i feel completely myself and completely alive when i am writing. i used to wonder how seth would never run out of songs to write, how could someone always have a new melody? now i understand. i will never run out of words to say, its just woven into who i am, as long as i am who i am and as long as i express myself, i will write.

its funny that this ended up being the love of my life because one of the most beautiful writers i have ever known, was my mother. this is one thing i dont mind having inherited from her.

over the past year seeing how people have been interested in what i have to say i have thought to myself that maybe i should put blogs together or write a book or blah blah blah, but i still hadn't realized what writing meant to me and i had no good reason.

i dont care if anyone ever reads it, i dont care if i ever do anything with it.

but i started a book and i have never felt so much healing run through me just from the little bit i have put down.

i decided that throughout i will post excerpts on here and hopefully one day it will all come together.

until then... i'll leave you with this.

i see a whirlwind of color.

my pink bedspread melts into the light from my window as i spin around and around ... my dress waves like an ocean, full of grace, light as a feather and i fall. my mind is pure and my heart is bursting with joy.

i play hide and seek in the cupboards of our kitchen, she'll never find me here. i climb trees in my delicate skirts, i dream i am a princess. she is there, she pulls me in and i breathe deep. i will always remember her smell, roses and love.

Our walk to the park is full of new things for my senses to understand, as it is everyday. She tells me the names of birds, she makes me smell the leaves of the eucalyptus and teaches me how to taste the nectar of a flower. The santa ana winds make her sneeze as they wrap their arms around us, and I’m warm all over. i walk into our house at the end of the hot day. i feel the cool breeze of the air conditioner filling the room as i lay on the couch and I know I’m home.

As my feet squirm in the depths of my covers, I soak up the feeling of my cool sheets and heavy quilt weighing down on my little chest. She lays beside me and starts to read. I am no longer in my bedroom. Im in the middle of the desert under the stars, im in a busy city looking for the moon, im anywhere her voice takes me. I start to drift and she walks out , I miss her already.

i love the sound of the tv downstairs as i fall asleep, i know i am safe.

can we pinpoint the day our innocence was stolen?

was it the day he called me to his room?

he showed me something i had never seen and i sat by as i watched my four year old best friend lose her innocence.
was that the very moment i lost my own?

my whole life has revolved around the loss of my innocence. my whole life has revolved around pain, as i stand with fists clenched tight trying to fight it. 'the pain doesn't exist' i say, 'i am whole, i am strong'. tell yourself something enough and you will believe it, but no amount of belief creates a truth.....