Wednesday, April 15, 2009

somewhere between laundry and dishes

the harsh reality enters my mind, again. as it does everyday, that this is what i do with my life.

i know a lot of people will say 'raising kids is the most amazing thing you can do' etc etc.

but i think for a person like me, who feels like there is an endless amount of multifaceted sides of me, its not enough. it will never be enough. and i'm pretty sure that as long as i'm home every day, even when i'm enjoying it, i will be missing a part of myself.

i'm sure everyone feels this way, with different things. i get that there is a very small amount of people who get to do what they love with their life. seth feels like he works his life away in an office. i feel like my intelligence is wasted on cleaning floors and wiping butts.

how do i get out of here? this has been my question since it started. like practically, how do i change this situation... i dont want to feel like i'm losing myself and wasting my life because of circumstance. we create our circumstances, certainly we can change them. i'm not actually asking you guys, though i'm sure you'll give me answers. i'm just throwing the question out in the universe....

somehow i need to feel like i'm working towards the goal of being out of the house.

alright... i gotta go finish cleaning my house before its time to nurse a baby.

20 comments:

MEGAN said...

I feel the same way, or a similar way. I'm wasting my precious life, my passion, my heart, in an office, and I don't want to be here, but I don't know how to get out. It's very depressing.

Ben said...

I'm not sure if you've ever heard of the author David Foster Wallace, but this speech that he gave was quite profound!

http://www.marginalia.org/dfw_kenyon_commencement.html

I imagine that motherhood is one of the toughest tests of all! Maybe you could get yourself some podcasts to listen to around the house that stimulate your brain? Maybe learn a new skill? I'm currently learning about World Religions for free. Many universities have whole subjects online to listen to for free. So when you're cleaning your house or wiping a butt, having something on in the background might be helpful :)

Anyway that's my two cents

meg said...

I'm glad wiping butts isn't "it" for you. That would suck.

JessicaToday said...

try some online (or night) classes at a local community college? its refreshing to learn and test yourself and get out of the mundane repetition of home and mommyhood ...even if its just a class for fun.
take a creative writing class or something else that you are passionate about...just a small suggestion for a way to switch gears for a moment.

Elissa Rachael said...

i've bee reading your beautiful writing and skylana... it is beautiful...

i wonder often... how did this happen? i am an intelligent vibrant person... it feels as though i am becoming dumber with every butt i wipe... like i am loosing a sense of who i am... in a way i suppose i am... i am holding on to the idea that someday i will look back at this time and it will be a beautiful memory that a part of me will want back... but now i can't wait for that time... i need something...

i'm trying to discover what that something is... it looks like you have found a piece of yours in your writing...

i'm finding a part of it in kicking someone's butt at karate... whatever it is it just might keep me sane...

ep

Jenn said...

Well, it looks like you're at a loss.. you chose to have two beautiful and healthy children, which many people unfortunately can not have, but you still are somehow unhappy with this "circumstance" that you chose to make. I think you need to stop being selfish and putting yourself before your children who did not choose to come into this world and have a mother who wishes she had different "circumstances" in her life. Your children should be #1 at all times. Their needs, their wants, before yours. Having a child is the very beginning of being multifaceted. Raising a child is, hands down, the most important job in the world. Teaching a child morals, values, the good, and the bad is irreplaceable. Truly, if you want out of your life, you need to talk to you husband and leave him and your children. It seems as though that would be your only happiness, which in turn would enable your husband and girls to build a happiness without you. If you feel like you are wasting your life being a part of their lives, then they surely don't need you in it. I don't believe there is anything worse than a mother not cherishing every waking moment they have with their child. If you aren't happy with the life you have started, then leave it to your husband who seems to be amazing and willing to raise his children in a Christian and loving environment.

matthew said...

i don't think that you should do what the lovely and ever loving jenn says...i'd say elissa rachael is a little close with the whole karate thing.

Monica said...

wow, what a horrible judgmental post from "Jenn"

EVERYONE feels these feelings or similar ones. that doesn't make us bad or unloving people. i really appreciate your honesty. it's very obvious that you are a wonderful mother and you love your children like crazy. i'm glad that you're brave enough to be real and honest. there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to do more with your life than solely be a mother. your posts are never judgmental of those who do choose motherhood as their one passion and defining "job," and i think it's horrible that people should judge you for having different desires.

whatever. keep up the writing. you're great at it :)

Ben said...

jenn
sounds like your life is perfect and you never any issues with anything ever.
only problem is that no one else here or anywhere will ever be able to relate to you.
people should be able to express some of the worries they have in their lives without being torn down by someone like yourself.
i'm assuming you're a christian, so as a fellow christian, i'm asking you to change your attitude, from one of contempt and arrogance to one of grace and love.
of course we need to be grateful, but that doesn't mean we become dishonest

Flo Oakes said...

Jenn, I don't know who you are...but it seems from your comment you might have more issues with Skylana than the mothering one, or you would have responded to all the other commenters who have felt the same way.

I can't believe someone would write to her that it would be possible or healthy for her husband to raise her children without her, and that they could "build a happiness" that way.

"I don't believe there is anything worse than a mother not cherishing every waking moment they have with their child."

Can you honestly say every mother is able to do this at all times?

That seems like a dangerous lie and an attitude that would lead to mothers feeling alone, afraid, and guilty for feeling those things.

Skylana is just voicing the very real thoughts many of us have had before..AND she STILL DOES choose to make her children her #1 priority.
I actually think it's pretty selfless of someone who feels this way to continue to serve her family instead of just walking away.
That seems like it would be the easy way out to me.

I realize that many recent posts have the possibility of painting a certain picture, but I think honestly it's because Skylana just writes what she's thinking, and a lot of the time, what none of us want to admit we have thought.

ESPECIALLY in the early months when you are nursing a child and your hormones are raging.

I would consider myself a woman who is passionate about being a mother, and takes the job pretty seriously, and still I have said some pretty outrageous things, out loud to my husband. I have said I wished I wasn't a mom, why did we do this, etc.

After the storm of nursing hormones passed, and things got easier and my children got older (and I got some hobbies OUTSIDE of the house) I have become a happier, more patient mother.

Please don't attack mothers everywhere who have gone through this, who are going through this.

I understand that we can create a lot of our own circumstances, and to some extent we can choose to be happy or not, etc. And that at some point we need to buck up and take responsibility for our lives and our choices and not pity ourselves...
but I think the first step to that is having a loving , supportive community of mothers who aren't afraid to say the things that scare us when we are alone with our kids about to rip our hair out, or worse.

Someone who can say, "You CAN do this, let me help you" instead of "why don't you let your husband take the kids so they can be happy."

Sheesh.

Flo Oakes said...

ps-I really do get that we are in a culture of seeking our own happiness above all else, and I definitely see how that is destructive.

I have felt the same frustration for how society views women and mothers who choose to put their families first, and how we can be stuck in the mode of feeling sorry for ourselves, but at the same time, I think we need to recognize that these feelings are valid.

skylana said...

friends thank you for your sweet comments and the encouragement and defense.

jenn- for real? silly. your comment makes me either assume you dont have kids or you are stepford status. i want to find balance and a place where i am happy when i'm with my children because its not all my whole life is about. i dont want to be a person who has nothing outside of them... if all i am and all i can do is wrapped up in them then what would i even have to offer them? besides that the things i know i can give them that will form their entire lives is not what the problem is, the problem is the monotony that comes with being a stay at home mother.... you'd be surprised how little time i really even get to just enjoy them when there's piles of laundry, dishes and diapers. its funny to me that as a so called christian you would suggest that the happiest option would be me abandoning my family... interesting that this would be your suggestion... says a lot about you to me.

ben- i like your idea. definitely something that is very reasonable to expect me to actually be able to do at this point.

skylana said...

friends thank you for your sweet comments and the encouragement and defense.

jenn- for real? silly. your comment makes me either assume you dont have kids or you are stepford status. i want to find balance and a place where i am happy when i'm with my children because its not all my whole life is about. i dont want to be a person who has nothing outside of them... if all i am and all i can do is wrapped up in them then what would i even have to offer them? besides that the things i know i can give them that will form their entire lives is not what the problem is, the problem is the monotony that comes with being a stay at home mother.... you'd be surprised how little time i really even get to just enjoy them when there's piles of laundry, dishes and diapers. its funny to me that as a so called christian you would suggest that the happiest option would be me abandoning my family... interesting that this would be your suggestion... says a lot about you to me.

ben- i like your idea. definitely something that is very reasonable to expect me to actually be able to do at this point.

Sarah Corbett said...

Jenn, you seriously have a lot of nerve...I completely support moms getting out of the house and being thier own person aside from mom/wife. I am a much better mother becuase I get to work out of the house four hours a day. I would literally lose my mind staysing home all day with my 5 yr and 18 mo old boys. I love my children more than life, but I am not a robot programmed to be patient 24/7. I have two very happy and well behaved children and I have worked ever since my first was born. There is not one golden answer that fits every mom out there, so who are you to judge Skylana or any other woman in her position for trying to make good decisions for herself and her family...decisions that will help her grow as a person and in turn allow her continue being a wonderful mother and wife.

Sarah Corbett said...

btw, i know that this new avenue of writing you have begun will really open up your world and give you the freedom and happiness you need. you could be that woman in the corner of CPK gazing out the window, pondering and jotting down her thoughts. i want this for you, and you know your girls always have a place to go :)

Jake said...

Jenn is 100% correct. You have to love and cherish every moment with your kids. How can you be so self[pko[ Dammit Ben stop touching my new laptop!!! . I mean they are sweet little LUCAS put down my BEER!!! . If you cannot love them every second... BEN & LUCAS STOP FIGHTING NOW! I gotta go, my lovely sons are in need of my instruction on how to be proper children of God.

meg said...

oh geez Jake...awesome. Does anyone know who this Jenn person is? This is getting all rough in here.

stina said...

not to give even more attention to someone who will spit out so much negativity towards someone, especially ONLINE...wow cuz THAT makes ya super tough...
but
i just want to say one thing.
flo already touched on how it's unrealistic for a woman to bee 100% IN IT with her children AT ALL TIMES.
so, in addition to that,
i fully believe that it is very wrong and very unhealthy to always put all of your children's needs and ESPECIALLY all of your children's wants before your own.
no matter what we do, whether it's parenting or a desk job or a safari guide (?! just an example?!!)----WE ALL NEED BREAKS AND NEED TO TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES.
and we all have unique things that make us who we are, which obviously means it will take different avenues to provide us with the rest we need from our every day lives----especially something as taxing and often mundane as being at home all day. cuz it takes work to get out of the house with the kids.

whether or not skylana was implying she was actually going to leave her family as suggested by jenn, everything she's saying is legit. in the routine and in all those moments of homekeeping with a baby and toddler as your constant company, it's def hard to feel intelligent.

i'm not even a mom or wife and i know this.
and i'd consider myself a devout christian for the sake of the simplest way to explain it, and while i think 'grace and truth need balance' and all that christianesque lingo...it's still TOTALLY not right to verbally----"online, commenting on blogs"----attack someone. maybe email her next time, see if she actually wants out, and uhh-be encouraging?!?! yeah. people's religion doesn't matter when it comes to the matters of a mom or housewife who feels stuck. or anyone who feels stuck in whatever they're doing. we're human, sometimes we want life changes and sometimes we don't, but yeah, attacking someone and telling them off especially ONLINE...REALLY?!?!...is not cool.
and i don't even KNOW anybody on here and i still think nobody needs to get torn up for what they write on their own blog. yes, it's public, but it's better to get her thoughts out than let them fester in her mind. and lots of other people seem to relate to her thoughts and questions on life. ...blahblahblah...............
sorry this is crazylong.

stina said...

oh, PLUS children don't need overly clingy mothers who depend on them for their sense of identity. even more of a reason why skylana should not take jenn's advice to always one hundred percent no matter what be completely all about them.
if you know what i mean.

ian said...

jenn, come back to this blog when your impending mid-life crisis, stewed in a pot of fresh denial, first wafts under your turned up nose. all she states throughout her entire blog is that she's not perfect. her emotions are very real and common. fortunately, she has the strength to show her true colors. life, as you present it, is a facade that subverts true growth, which calls for us to acknowledge what's on our heart, meditate on it and then find an equilibrium.