Friday, June 19, 2009

i need love

the strongest most common feeling i had growing up was loneliness.

lately, for a couple years, i have been on the defense. trying endlessly to explain and convince on behalf of my character. its been more and more lately that i end up in these places where i'm on the defense, trying to explain that i miss spoke etc. maybe everyone feels as misunderstood as i do, maybe its rare. i dont know and i dont really care. i just know that i'm really really at the end of it. the very end. i'm sick of wasting my time trying to explain myself, i dont know how to fix this problem, i barely know how to accurately explain this problem. anyway nothing really makes me feel as lonely as being misunderstood by someone i care to be understood by, i think thats a normal feeling.

two times when i've felt this recently seth has had to leave. this time he's leaving all weekend, over fathers day. now, as its own seperate issue from the defense, i get very lonely on fathers day. given that i do not have a father i have always hated this day. holidays growing up were in general not very great, we were very very very poor and our family was just me, my mom and later my sister and brother. usually my sister was with her dad and it was just my mother and my little brother. he was too young to really be a part of anything and we didn't really do much because it was just us. i always felt lonely. i always felt poor and always ashamed. fathers day was the worst. all my friends were busy with their fathers and i was having that same lonely holiday feeling only this time i didn't actually have reason to celebrate. all i wanted was a big family to surround me, to go out to eat and give gifts, tells stories and laugh.

so this weekend i'm feeling all of these things misundertsood, on the defense and like that lonely little girl without a father. if this sounds ridiculous to you, dont worry, you are not alone. i despise feeling things like this, i hate that my childhood can affect me, i want to be so much stronger than it that i can laugh it off. but i can't. its not funny.

i feel like seth leaving has been so in sync with other situations that have brought me that lonely feeling the last few times it seems almost on purpose. not seth doing it on purpose but the universe, god, satan, doing it. seth suggests that maybe its just entropy....

it all feels very on purpose, such bad timing cant be coincedence can it?

i'm sure it could.

whatever the true cause, its here and i hate it. my heart aches and i feel like a lonely child trying to take care of children.

my feeling of wanting to hide just keeps coming back.

i want to hide but i want love. all at the same time.


Anonymous said...

oh... i love you.

every time i have ever been at my worst... when i really, really needed someone.... george wasn't around. i don't know what that is but i started to think maybe it was because i needed to be strong, but that didn't make sense because in those times i need to be weak. i am independent, i don't like to need people. but i think in those times i needed to need someone to hold me. i needed to let myself NEED.

i wish seth were there. but you are not alone in spirit, even though it probably feels like it.

there's nothing i can say to make you feel better. but i do love you and i hope this weekend ZOOOMS by and you don't have to endure it for long. don't hold back the tears if they are there. let em go.

my life should be titled "misunderstood." like pink. :) you are strong, skylana. be weak tonight.

wish i could be there!

Elissa Rachael Parrish said...

skylana... sometimes i just want to drop everything and drive down there to be with you... i can identify with so many of things you write about... "the lonely child taking care of children"... i have said this numerous times this last month... weird...

i am not capable of powering through this... i would sure like to be but i am not... coming to this place is important because it is real. you are facing it and that will be apart of your mending... it sucks to need mending but we all do...

i think you are very strong...


stephy said...

those are my feelings too, the lonely little girl trying to take care of children. i talk about it in therapy a lot lately.

skylana said...

stephy- my first therapy session is friday. i'm super excited.

stephy said...

oh wow! good for you! i hope it goes well and you like your therapist. for about a year i was mad at mine for not telling me what to do, and then i figured out they're not supposed to tell you what to do but instead ask you questions about why you do things, so you figure it out for yourself. anyway, it's not easy but i think it's totally worthwhile and has greatly improved my mothering and also just me being a whole person. xoxo hugs to you!