last night i missed jesus.
its weird to be in the absence of god, or goodness. this has never happened in my life. i have never felt like i was in the presence of anyone who had the absence of these things.i can see god, i can see life, i can see goodness, i can see hope in EVERYONE. when we say we dont believe in god anymore, if he is real despite our claims, does he move away? does he leave us to ourselves completely? i dont know how involved i believe the higher power is to begin with, but i believe he is near... i believe there is a god, higher power, whatever we must label it... how involved it/he/she is in our lives is what i question. what i do know is that i can see things in people, in my own opinion (which doesn't actually mean anything), that look like life, god, hope, light, goodness... and in the absence of these things is only a desert.
the desert isnt good for my heart. its left me thirsty, hot and far from any sign of life. im like a cactus who's water supply is low, its there in me. there will always be water in me but i need an outside source to fill me again, bring me into bloom. please dont mistake this to mean i feel i need 'god' to do this, i just mean i need people.
all of a sudden i find myself searching, reaching, grasping for life. running after hope wherever i can find it. i want to stand next to the light i see in people and get bright again, i want their warm hearts to defrost my own. i like the people who believe in jesus, their hearts seem the warmest for me right now. i dont know what that means. the least i know it means is that it makes me miss jesus.