last night i missed jesus.
its weird to be in the absence of god, or goodness. this has never happened in my life. i have never felt like i was in the presence of anyone who had the absence of these things.i can see god, i can see life, i can see goodness, i can see hope in EVERYONE. when we say we dont believe in god anymore, if he is real despite our claims, does he move away? does he leave us to ourselves completely? i dont know how involved i believe the higher power is to begin with, but i believe he is near... i believe there is a god, higher power, whatever we must label it... how involved it/he/she is in our lives is what i question. what i do know is that i can see things in people, in my own opinion (which doesn't actually mean anything), that look like life, god, hope, light, goodness... and in the absence of these things is only a desert.
the desert isnt good for my heart. its left me thirsty, hot and far from any sign of life. im like a cactus who's water supply is low, its there in me. there will always be water in me but i need an outside source to fill me again, bring me into bloom. please dont mistake this to mean i feel i need 'god' to do this, i just mean i need people.
all of a sudden i find myself searching, reaching, grasping for life. running after hope wherever i can find it. i want to stand next to the light i see in people and get bright again, i want their warm hearts to defrost my own. i like the people who believe in jesus, their hearts seem the warmest for me right now. i dont know what that means. the least i know it means is that it makes me miss jesus.
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i want to live my life clearly in front of everyone so that someone can benefit from all my mistakes, and all my triumphs. i'm an open book.
- skylana
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9 comments:
i kind of feel like that right now too, just in different ways. obviously i believe in Jesus, but i still feel dried up. not that "spiritual dryness" people talk about. it's not really like that. it's just that, for me, i need relationships and i don't have a lot of that right now... and the people who i know that believe in Jesus are not warm. they are cold... so bitter they hurt. i think that's what gets me. the fact that i've had to pull away from christians because they hurt, shouldn't it be the opposite?
but this post of yours really got to me. i think one because i can relate in a lot of ways, even if it's different, but two... just seeing you write "last night i missed jesus"...that was so honest and real, especially for what you've seemed to have been through lately.
i know what you mean about the people filling up.
for me, God fills me, but it's different, or maybe this is just a flaw in me that i need people to be something He should be... i don't know and i'm too tired to think about it AGAIN, but i do know that regardless of being filled or not, i NEED people. and having moved away from all of my friends and moved on to totally different paths than the friends who do live sorta close... it just makes it hard.
i do feel empty a lot of the time. and alone. and for me... that sucks. and it's not good.
i really, really need that warmth of people you talk about, but i haven't found that yet, at least not in people who actually live near me.
well, i don't believe in jesus anymore, but my heart is still very warm. i love you, and i hope i can help you get bright again :)
This post made me cry, it was beautiful and so "Honest" bless you Skylana.
I've visited your blog from time to time. It's a bright place to visit.
I absolutely love this post. I could give you a million reasons why I love it and I just might do that later. Right now I've got a crew of Jesus-lovin' peeps at my house, helping us clean to prepare for a move. I'm totally slacking and must go. I have every good intention of coming back later though :).....
He never moves away. He never leaves us completely. I wish we could hang out right now. I'm eating a PB&J and drinking a G&T.
That's a lot of ampersands. Delicious ampersands....
i can't believe there aren't more "welcome back to the fold!" comments on this one.
hey skylana, when there was just one set of footprints... i was carrying you.
-god.
jk, it's just me, polly
emery. i really wonder if he does move away... if he was even close to begin with. him being more than a creator is still up for debate in my mind. interesting.
polly. you are the best person in the world. its good that theres no welcome back comments.... cause im NOT back. although i did actually have a weird feeling of really strong arms wrapping around me when i was writing this...
i love this... it is really sweet. don't take that the wrong way.. i just like the sweetness. i lmao'd at polly's footprints comment, that poem is so0o0o0o c cheezay!
Just want to say that I love reading your thoughts on this...I haven't posted on any of the serious ones because I'm dumb right now.
My mind has seriously gone to jello. Either that or I just really need to read a book or something.
But I'll be a lot of fun when we have a girls night. Woo hooooo!
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