Monday, June 8, 2009

remember that your eyes can be your enemies

someone has, actually some people have, left a hole in my pocket, now i have to try and patch it.

i have been on the verge, the verge of a question mark, the calm bringing me blindly to an end i've been unsure of. slowly ive wanted to be alone, more and more... all of a sudden my life feels like its purging itself all around me.

purging myself of people, of things.

i want to open every closet door, every cupboard, every drawer and toss everything out. i want to make myself a cup of tea and curl up on the couch, in a room full of nothing.

i dont understand why people come into our lives only to leave. why we have seasons of love. some kinds of love shouldn't be taken away. lately there has been too much taken away. ive hit my absolute limit, all my boundaries have been crossed, all my walls blasted down. i've felt small, naked, and alone in a room full of strangers. i used to feel like a breathtaking anomaly being watched by fascinated well wishers.

i dont let go easily, i dont deal well with feeling abandoned, being hurt does not suit me and i dont like change. my life, everyday is woven through and through by change, by abandonment, by the need to let go.

i dont know anymore how to explain the process that i have been going through, it doesn't make sense anymore, every step was making sense. never in my life have i felt the desire to be separated from people. ever. i can't tell if this is good, or defense. i really can't. maybe its both.

my mood now matches the weather, which is dreadful and not helpful in the least no matter how justified it makes me feel in my bitterness, that even the sun wants to hide.

i always move forward, i always grow. as much as i want to hide, deeply completely, this seems to be the one thing i can't leave. writing into an empty echoing room does not bode well for my soul. it goes against the very nature of who i am. at this point thats what i almost feel like my heart is screaming to do, go against me, become un-me.

my season of peace was short, but i'm working for peace again. this peace will be more, stronger, resilient, because this time i know what peace feels like, i know its character and i will embrace it. when i search it out i will cling to it, when it comes walking into my heart i will capture it, when it is only passing by my door i will swing my doors wide and welcome it in.

i can feel myself becoming different. i hope, and believe as i always do, that i am becoming a better me... i will say this time, it really doesn't feel that way. i trust my heart though, i always trust my heart. whatever end is meant, whatever end will be laced in victory that is the end i will find.

my mood is bittersweet, like these clouds, this rain in june. it is sweet to be reminded of the winter, when my babies were born, the smell of cinnamon and peppermint surrounded me and the warmth of life came from inside the walls of my home. it is bitter to live under the darkness of the cloud cover, to feel biting cold striking your features, to exist without the golden glow of the sun on your skin, trapped indoors.

life doesn't get any more numb when you feel as deeply as i do. i dont feel as often as most but when i do, it cuts straight to the core of my soul. sometimes i beg to be numbed, try to suffocate my own nerves, but this is not who i am. i am a feeler, love, happiness, compassion and alongside all of these their painful counterparts. it is good. it is hard, it is frustrating, it is life, hopeful and good. the one thing i can say to my benefit, in the midst of my tidal waves of emotion, feeling so deep gives me the potential to make great moves and great advances out of the conviction that such deep emotions evoke.

this is my attempt to describe where i am, a better more sober description than what i had to give the other day. written outside of anger and frustration. i hope it makes better sense without my tears pouring out between the lines.


Anonymous said...

just happened onto your blog through a google search and i feel like i know you from somewhere...

but anyway, don't stop writing. really. you are so talented and that talented will not be wasted.

you're always gonna piss people off. let em be. that's what passionate, unique people do. they piss people off because they are different and honest and REAL.

we all make mistakes. we're all stupid sometimes. but only some of us are willing to talk about it.

so talk about it and don't let people ruin it for you.

your blog is a blessing... i need to add it to my list of followers. from what i've read we don't have everything in common, but still, your heart is precious because you're willing to put it out there for the world to see.


that's so great and keep it that way. honesty hurts some, but others need it to heal.

i can relate to you in a lot that you talk about. i got married young. i just turned 21 when we got married. then i got pregnant right away and again. now i have 2 kids, one is 26 months and the other is 10 months. i'm 24.

let me tell you... holy crap... i can relate to you so much about this "quarter-life crisis" as i call it in my own life.

i found your blog by searching "hard time being me" or something like that and found your blog about crying in the parking lot when you went out by yourself for the first time in forever.

ugh, i can relate. and i wish i couldn't... i just feel like i've lost me in the crazy, often boring life of being a mom and wife. i mean, i love it, but it just makes me wonder who i am...

i feel like i've lost myself and i've had so many horrible thoughts, like cheating on my husband and all that stuff...

so anyway, keep writing... seriously. your honesty is a blessing to MOST...

JessicaToday said...

um, what she said. exactly.

JessicaToday said...

ok woah.
the girl above that i just agreed with wholeheartedly different than me.
this kind of shocked me cause what she said i thought was so right on.
then i went to see what her profile was like...and i had to re-consider.
jesus is not a part of my life.
never was. never will be, really.
(raised catholic, not christian...god is still subjective to me, as i explore this concept in my adult years)
and we all know your journey with jesus...
the bottom line is...
your honesty is beautiful, more beautiful than your exterior presence or anomalistic qualities.
whatever it is that has upset you so... you should never forget your reasons to press on in spite of disappointing circumstances (whatever they are, as they remain elusive)...and be you, in full effect.
you are full of life and love. you are a spark.
much love my blogging friend,