someone has, actually some people have, left a hole in my pocket, now i have to try and patch it.
i have been on the verge, the verge of a question mark, the calm bringing me blindly to an end i've been unsure of. slowly ive wanted to be alone, more and more... all of a sudden my life feels like its purging itself all around me.
purging myself of people, of things.
i want to open every closet door, every cupboard, every drawer and toss everything out. i want to make myself a cup of tea and curl up on the couch, in a room full of nothing.
i dont understand why people come into our lives only to leave. why we have seasons of love. some kinds of love shouldn't be taken away. lately there has been too much taken away. ive hit my absolute limit, all my boundaries have been crossed, all my walls blasted down. i've felt small, naked, and alone in a room full of strangers. i used to feel like a breathtaking anomaly being watched by fascinated well wishers.
i dont let go easily, i dont deal well with feeling abandoned, being hurt does not suit me and i dont like change. my life, everyday is woven through and through by change, by abandonment, by the need to let go.
i dont know anymore how to explain the process that i have been going through, it doesn't make sense anymore, every step was making sense. never in my life have i felt the desire to be separated from people. ever. i can't tell if this is good, or defense. i really can't. maybe its both.
my mood now matches the weather, which is dreadful and not helpful in the least no matter how justified it makes me feel in my bitterness, that even the sun wants to hide.
i always move forward, i always grow. as much as i want to hide, deeply completely, this seems to be the one thing i can't leave. writing into an empty echoing room does not bode well for my soul. it goes against the very nature of who i am. at this point thats what i almost feel like my heart is screaming to do, go against me, become un-me.
my season of peace was short, but i'm working for peace again. this peace will be more, stronger, resilient, because this time i know what peace feels like, i know its character and i will embrace it. when i search it out i will cling to it, when it comes walking into my heart i will capture it, when it is only passing by my door i will swing my doors wide and welcome it in.
i can feel myself becoming different. i hope, and believe as i always do, that i am becoming a better me... i will say this time, it really doesn't feel that way. i trust my heart though, i always trust my heart. whatever end is meant, whatever end will be laced in victory that is the end i will find.
my mood is bittersweet, like these clouds, this rain in june. it is sweet to be reminded of the winter, when my babies were born, the smell of cinnamon and peppermint surrounded me and the warmth of life came from inside the walls of my home. it is bitter to live under the darkness of the cloud cover, to feel biting cold striking your features, to exist without the golden glow of the sun on your skin, trapped indoors.
life doesn't get any more numb when you feel as deeply as i do. i dont feel as often as most but when i do, it cuts straight to the core of my soul. sometimes i beg to be numbed, try to suffocate my own nerves, but this is not who i am. i am a feeler, love, happiness, compassion and alongside all of these their painful counterparts. it is good. it is hard, it is frustrating, it is life, hopeful and good. the one thing i can say to my benefit, in the midst of my tidal waves of emotion, feeling so deep gives me the potential to make great moves and great advances out of the conviction that such deep emotions evoke.
this is my attempt to describe where i am, a better more sober description than what i had to give the other day. written outside of anger and frustration. i hope it makes better sense without my tears pouring out between the lines.